In the Beginning, and In the End

I write, that’s what I do, it’s how I work things out.  So when I am in a relationship I write about it.  I wrote this first poem in the beginning, about S.  But the end, so far, does not seem poetic to me.  It has not inspired me to write poetry to get through it.  I am through it and happy about it, but it doesn’t seem to deserve poetry to me. It was an ugly betrayal.  It shook me to the very core to find out who he really was.

Still, I thought, I would publish these two poems.  The second is not about the ending but was about another moment in the relationship when I thought it was over.   Just a beginning and an ending.

I Would Be Happier

For the first time in many many years
Decades maybe.
Decades definitely.
I think,
I would be happier if he were here.

That scares me.
It scares him.
But it’s true, all the same.
Scared or not.
I would be happier if he were here.

In the morning having my coffee.
I sit outside
I listen as the world wakes up.
I am happy.
I feel the connection to all the earth.
I close my eyes.
I breathe in the scent of the early morning.
I contemplate.
I clear my mind.
I am happy.

Yet,
I would be happier if he were here.

I go through my day.
He calls.
I am happy.
That he called
That I am having a good, easy day.
That he is thinking of me.
Because I cannot stop thinking of him.
We talk, we both flirt a little.
I am happy.

Yet,
I would be happier if he were here.

I get home.
I clean up my kitchen.
I idly check my phone
To see if I missed a message.
I did not.
I go outside.
I sip a glass of wine.
A cool breeze blows through my hair.
I am happy.
My life is wonderful.
Yet,
I would be happier if he were here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

And then, an ending.  Not THE ending, just an ending. In hindsight, I wish I had let it be the ending. Would have saved me a lot of heartache.  But the result is the same….Surrender.

Surrender

It’s fascinating, really,
how happiness can come
and go,
so silently, so fleetingly.
One minute you can be happy, sure of your life
and the next minute
some new piece of truth comes your way
and completely undoes the happiness you were so sure of
only seconds before..

It feels obscene, it feels like a violation.
Of my person. Of my psyche.

I asked the question.
I hoped beyond hope
for a different outcome.
Knowing I might not get it,
hoping I would.

I did not.

Now, I can’t change the answer.
I can’t change our hearts.
I can’t go back
to the moment before I knew the answer.
The moment, the time, the place
where I could bury it
and ignore what I knew.
What the voices kept repeating.

The question kept rearing it’s head.
“What about this???” the voices called.
Are you happy?? Despite this??
Enough times they called to me as I slept
As I woke
As I showered
As I dressed
As I drove
As I made love.

They wouldn’t be ignored.

I surrendered.
I asked the dreaded question.
I got the dreaded answer.

Now…my task is to accept.
To surrender yet again, to what is.
And to place my hope outward
Forward.
To a time and place as yet unknown
Where I can dream the dream again
And laugh in it’s fulfillment.

Right now
in this time and this space
I sit with my sadness.
Knowing that it will pass.
That all things are possible.

2 responses to “In the Beginning, and In the End

  1. For some there are endings.
    For others there are dreams.
    Dreams never end
    Keep dreaming, without reality, talking without thought and you can have back your happy times.
    Be happier than you have been in decades.
    Don’t let go of those wonderful days.

  2. Just wondering, was this the first ending or should there have been others before it.
    If the whore was not the first or last, could this have been the first or second or this? After all, you did say “this was another ending”
    And when did you meet this prince of a boy?

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.