Ever evolving life, and relationships. I am choosing for the time being not to be writing about my relationship with S. I will only say that I think we perhaps hit a turning point last weekend. And this is about me…not him or us.
I have realized how obsessive I have been about our relationship. I have been unbalanced about it for quite some time. I was making S my life, instead of giving him a place in my life. It is too much burden for anyone to bear, to be your life. As a result, I want to focus on some of the other things that I’m passionate about, while not giving up my passion for him.
Acceptance of what is has not been an easy thing for me. I have been trying to make sure I am safe, which is a hold over, baggage, from a terrible long marriage. Too many years lived where I so rarely felt safe. Even those times that I thought I was, I found out I wasn’t. It was all, everything, a manipulation. My ex might make me feel safe for a day, an hour, a week, maybe even a month or two. And just when I got relaxed and happy, he would pull the rug out, turn my world upside down, with no warning. Crazy Making.
I apparently expected S to do this too, and he does not. He does not have a manipulative or controlling bone in his body. I realized I have projected my fears onto him, and he didn’t deserve that treatment. He’s not my ex, nothing about him is like my ex.
I feel like I have been spinning around on the outside of a wheel that was started when I was married. I took 5 years after that was over, and didn’t consider dating. I wanted to rediscover myself. After all those years of wrapping my head around someone else, trying to keep him happy, which was not possible, I needed to find out who I was again.
I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, until I met someone I was incredibly attracted to. Old fears began clawing at the back of my mind, and I wanted to have a relationship that I was safe in,skipping over the part where the relationship just grows at it’s own pace, developing….pushing beyond what he was ready for. I wanted to go from Point A to Point B without traveling the distance.
And suddenly, I saw it. I saw what I was doing. I see it now. And what I realize is, I AM SAFE. Because I am strong, independent, and have a lovely life of which he is now part, an integral part, but not the whole thing. I think he is happy about this. I am happy to accept what he feels able to willingly give me. I don’t feel the need to ask more. It’s time really, to trust that the universe has brought us together for a reason, and leave it at that to evolve as it will. Maybe we will grow together, maybe for a short or long time. Now…right now, I feel good to have a handle on myself, and trust in myself, and my gut to keep my evolving in a more fulfilling balanced way.
I feel like I was holding on to that spinning wheel with one hand, and let go….just let go. The wheel still spins I’m sure, but I’m not on it. I may be a little dizzy, lol, but I’m getting my groove back. Life is good.