Off of the Spinning Wheel

Ever evolving life, and relationships.  I am choosing for the time being not to be writing about my relationship with S.  I will only say that I think we perhaps hit a turning point last weekend. And this is about me…not him or us.

I have realized how obsessive I have been about our relationship.  I have been unbalanced about it for quite some time.  I was making S my life, instead of giving him a place in my life.  It is too much burden for anyone to bear, to be your life.  As a result, I want to focus on some of the other things that I’m passionate about, while not giving up my passion for him.

Acceptance of what is has not been an easy thing for me.  I have been trying to make sure I am safe, which is a hold over, baggage, from a terrible long marriage.  Too many years lived where I so rarely felt safe.  Even those times that I thought I was, I found out I wasn’t.  It was all, everything, a manipulation.  My ex might make me feel safe for a day, an hour, a week, maybe even a month or two.  And just when I got relaxed and happy, he would pull the rug out, turn my world upside down, with no warning.  Crazy Making.

I apparently expected S to do this too, and he does not. He does not have a manipulative or controlling bone in his body. I realized I have projected my fears onto him, and he didn’t deserve that treatment. He’s not my ex, nothing about him is like my ex.

I feel like I have been spinning around on the outside of a wheel that was started when I was married.  I took 5 years after that was over, and didn’t consider dating.  I wanted to rediscover myself.  After all those years of wrapping my head around someone else, trying to keep him happy, which was not possible, I needed to find out who I was again.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, until I met someone I was incredibly attracted to.  Old fears began clawing at the back of my mind, and I wanted to have a relationship that I was safe in,skipping over the part where the relationship just grows at it’s own pace, developing….pushing beyond what he was ready for. I wanted to go from Point A to Point B without traveling the distance.

And suddenly, I saw it.  I saw what I was doing.  I see it now.  And what I realize is, I AM SAFE.  Because I am strong, independent, and have a lovely life of which he is now part, an integral part, but not the whole thing.  I think he is happy about this.  I am happy to accept what he feels able to willingly give me.  I don’t feel the need to ask more.  It’s time really, to trust that the universe has brought us together for a reason, and leave it at that to evolve as it will.  Maybe we will grow together, maybe for a short or long time.  Now…right now, I feel good to have a handle on myself, and trust in myself, and my gut to keep my evolving in a more fulfilling balanced way.

I feel like I was holding on to that spinning wheel with one hand, and let go….just let go.  The wheel still spins I’m sure, but I’m not on it. I may be a little dizzy, lol, but I’m getting my groove back.  Life is good.

Conspiracy Theory

God, you know, I can write some very convincing bullshit, really! Thinking I know what’s going on when I only know half the story.

Well…my blog has always been about what I’m feeling or working through at the moment I write it. But dang, I look back and see how skewed I had things in my own mind, and how things just kind of evolve and grow and all the panic I put myself through was so unnecessary. As if I am addicted to the emotional highs and lows and so create them for myself.

Ugh. Gotta stop that. Sometimes I feel so enlightened, I can be kind, thoughtful, mindful. And then sometimes I am so totally in my ego, making myself so afraid, of NOTHING. Geezus. I’m very good at convincing myself the bullshit is real too.

Oh yeah, sometimes there is a little tiny kernal of truth which I then grow into an Iowa cornstalk. Why the hell don’t I do that with the good things that go on.? I keep finding out that what I want is just sitting there waiting for me. When the hell will I learn?

When you decide what you want, all the universe conspires to bring it to you. So says Paulo Coelho, and Ralph Waldo Emerson, Goethe….et al.

I think I will just sit back for awhile and watch it conspire, lol.

Gifts from Destruction

This post was inspired by Curious Evelyn Seeks blog this morning, “Passionately Curious”.  She made me remember how I only found my passions when I was able to be free of an abusIive dysfunctional marriage.  The last five years of that 32 year marriage I began to journal incessantly.  I needed to record the insanity in which I lived, the cruelty, the unhappiness.  I remember thinking “I have to write this down.  No one would ever believe this happened.”  As it turned out, during my three day divorce trial, the judge allowed me to use the journals during my testimony to remember dates and times of events.  I am sure they gave me a lot of credibility with him.

Once I left my marriage, I found I actually had some creativity as I learned to make jewelry.  I sell it online,( http://www.sundogsdesigns.etsy.com)  tho it is only a hobby now, because I still work full time.  I discovered a passion for the journey to recover my soul from the near theft of it, and have been passionate about my spiritual path since, leading me to become a reiki master.  I have always loved the sea, a passion that has only grown since I have been free.

And the writing, begun to simply record my life, has become a passion…with my book that’s underway, with this blog. Writing allows me a way to observe things, and work things out, and keeps me sane.

The point is…there are always blessings buried in the pain.  There is always growth that can come from destruction.  I would not trade the gifts I have been given that grew out of that sad, destructive, and chaotic time in my life.  Like my favorite author, Elizabeth Gilbert, says in “Eat Pray Love”, as she sat below ground in the ruins of Rome, “Ruin is the road to transformation.”  Absolutely true.  The duality is obvious.  There are always blessings in the destruction.

A Lesson from a Zen Master

I get an email regularly, maybe daily, from a site called the “Wild Divine”.  Today there was a link to a Zen meditation, which I clicked on to use for my daily meditation.  It was a guided meditation, by a zen master.  I was soothed by his voice, and found myself in a pliable state, non-resistant to his suggestion that our most important task is to enjoy life.

Here’s the link for anyone who’s interested:

That’s something I’ve forgotten, in all my angst over unrequited love lately.  I think that this weekend, without S, I will just endeavor to enjoy my life.  And why should I not?  I’ll take care of my house, which should be a labor of love, since I love my home.  Gonna do things I’ve been putting off for no good reason.  I thought about going to the gym, but instead might go walking with a friend, on an old train track in town.  I might write, I think I might actually work on the book, which I have ignored now for way too long.  I have the fixings to make so much jewelry that lays unused.

I’ll channel the passion I have had for S into my life, and have a passion for it instead.  I won’t not love S, I will just find things to do so I am not spending my time wishing for what I can’t have.  That’s a waste of time isn’t it?  Once you know, you know.  So I have spent some time grieving it, and I’m not saying I won’t spend more, but I won’t lose myself in the grief.

You gotta honor your feelings.  So…I can honor the grief, the loss, the sorrow. But I can’t move in and pay rent to stay there.  It’s good to know that I’ll be ok.  I’m glad that I have done the work that has given me the resources to find a way through this.

Accepting Reality

I heard from him, not long after I put up the blog yesterday.  He thinks I’m attacking him, in my communication with him.   Since what I said in answer to his “Are you pissed off” questions was to tell  him how I felt, and nothing more, I have to assume that my being unhappy is perceived as an attack on him.   He said he didn’t talk to me for the whole day because he was “annoyed that you played the same broken record again.”

So….It’s an annoyance to him if I am unhappy, if something is bothering me, wearing on me.  If I am struggling.  It’s an attack on him.

Not struggling to understand this morning.  Struggling only to accept.

Reality, standing in front of me, hands on it’s hips, saying, what are you gonna do now?  Now that  you know????

Going with the Flow Today

The other night S and I were having a conversation via text.  It was kind of light hearted, flirtatious, easy.  I was getting sleepy and said goodnight, he continued texting, so after about 10 or 15 more minutes, I said I was going to sleep (because I couldn’t keep my eyes open).  When I woke in the morning there was a text from him much later, during the night asking if I was pissed off.

The question itself confused me….I didn’t think I’d said anything to indicate that I was angry or upset over anything.  I was however, feeling the struggle that I wrote about yesterday.  Had been feeling it the night before, though I hadn’t thought it came through in my texts because it was only a feeling then, not yet developed into a thought.  His question, wondering if I was pissed off, kind of propelled it into a thought though.  Thus the blog about “Struggle”.

I didn’t want him to think I was angry,but thought he deserved to know what was on my mind, so I told him.

I have not heard from him since I told him.

Which is, in and of itself, confusing.  If he was going to ask the question, did he not want an answer?  A truthful answer?  I told him of the struggle, I have told  him of it before.  It is not news.  It is a struggle that at times presents itself, I have to deal with it or not.  He also can deal with me and it or not.  I asked for no answers from him, or changes.  Just said that I was longing for something that wasn’t there.  Truth.  He knows it.  I know it.

So, not to hear from him in 24 hours is more than just confusing, considering we normally have an ongoing text conversation all day, and usually a phone call.  What does it say?  That he doesn’t want to deal with it.  That he doesn’t want to know if and when I have issues with the one-sidedness of our relationship.  I don’t know.

And then, I’m concerned that it was bad timing for me, that perhaps his friend who is so sick took a turn for the worst, and that, and me and my issues, and the fact that he had a bunch of family birthdays to deal with yesterday, were too much for him.

And there I am making excuses for him.  Life happens.  I asked for nothing from him when I briefly explained my struggle.  If he was overwhelmed at the moment, I would have expected a “Can we talk about it later?”  If his friend took a turn, he knows he could tell me and I would be there, and shelve whatever I was dealing with until later.

Reminiscent of him blocking me for what seemed to be no reason last week.

Feels like rejection, feels like I am very much more on the periphery of his life.

Feels like I should perhaps take the love I feel for him and redirect it into the rest of the world for the time being.  Once again, it feels like he’s just not that into me.  And really, it accentuates the struggle I have, and it confirms what I feel.

So, in my best Byron Katie voice I will say, “I wish you well S, if that’s what you want. I am a lover of reality, and the reality is that you want something that doesn’t include me.”

My life is rich and full, of friends and family and things I am passionate about.  If S should choose to communicate with me I will be open to it, but I won’t obsess over it, or the lack of it.

It’s all about letting go I guess. Seems I’m being forced into letting go, and I will go with that flow, until the flow changes. Maybe the flow will take me somewhere better, or unexpected.  Who knows.  Just living like water.