I’m working on contentment. I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different. Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.
There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon. It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time. If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow. One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t. Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.
Content. Actually, I am feeling pretty content today. I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell. I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing. If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content! But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.
I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me. It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.
I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends. It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.
I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season. That will be nice. The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later. It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air. Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it. For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean. Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters. I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again. We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip. He has since sold the boat, which made me sad. It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.
So, contentment, is where I am today. Accepting what is, happily. Hopefully with grace. I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.