Through the Open Doors

  

I guess it was bound to go there. 

I hoped so much it wouldn’t.

But, it did. 

In the early morning hours

Anger, misunderstanding, refusal, pain. 

Why can’t I get over it? 

Because it never ends. 

Because I don’t want to balance out every bit of happiness 

With misery. 

Too much misery in my life. 

Done with it. 

Done with those who bring it to me. 

Maybe I bring it to them, I don’t know. 

But there are people with whom I only share happiness. 

That’s where I need to go, 

It’s what I want to find. 

Stand my ground the guides said. 

Doors will open for you if you do. 

I’m ready. 

For the open doors, 

Ready to walk joyfully through them

And leave the misery, 

Hidden in its lair

Waiting to jump up 

And bruise my heart again. 

Let it suffocate 

In its own breathless anger and pain. 

I can almost see the joy, 

Almost touch it, 

Almost feel it, 

Smell it, 

Taste it. 

Going, going….

Gone. 

Time for Change

Change is coming.

I can feel it in the waves

That ebb and flow through my heart.

In my unsettledness.

in my happiness.

In my unhappiness.

Need a change of scene.

A change of lifestyle.

Need to stop settling

And go for the big dream.

Scary, yet necessary.

Some people I will miss.

Some people I won’t.

Some people will join me.

But time to move in a new direction.

It won’t be perfect, nothing is.

It will bring me closer to where I want to be.

At least, that’s the plan.

I’ll start tonight.

Tomorrow.

This minute.

I might look back

For a second.

It won’t deter me

From where I want to go.

Peace out……

Getting Grounded in Reality

I finally talked to S.  Well, that’s stretching it. We texted.  And I think in the end, we came to an amicable understanding that we needed to stop seeing each other.  That’s how I hoped it would be.  I have no anger, I have no regrets.  I understand him, and I think that while he may not completely understand me, he at least respects my feelings now.  I didn’t want this to end in a blaze of anger and ego, and I think that’s what we managed to do.

Last night I had a strange dream.  I had been thinking how S was now free (he always was, but there will be nothing pulling him back now) to go discover who he is, on his own, discover his passions, decide how he wants to spend his retirement.  That thought converted to a dream as I fell asleep, I guess.  I dreamed he came to just “check in”, just visit.  I was sitting outside, on the side of a hill, next to a border garden, backed up by a fence..  There was another man sitting with me, who I didn’t recognize. I never saw S in this dream but I know he was sitting with us.  I said to him something about my sister…and then “my sister knows everything.”  (LOL, I know I was talking about my older sis, even though I have a younger as well.) When I said it, suddenly a human form began to break out of the garden, sitting up, forming before my eyes from the dirt and grass and flowers in the garden.

I guess that kind of freaked me out, I wasn’t scared,  but it was just weird….and it woke me up.  I don’t know  what it had to do with S, or me.  I don’t think I can look up “human form created from garden” on dreammoods.com, lol.  I would guess it had something to do with being grounded, a spirit, connection to the earth.  As for how my sister ties into it, I really don’t know.  She went through such a hard time this winter, trying to care for my mother after her stroke, and has spent the couple of months regrounding herself, in much the same way I do when I get lost.

That’s two strange dreams I’ve had in a couple of days.  The other one upset me, this one didn’t, but I thought about it a lot, had a hard time getting back to sleep, and ended up texting S, further explaining to him that I still can see him, I still know there is something in his soul worth loving, and that someday I hope he is able to believe it and open it up to someone.  And I felt quite grounded, loving and detached when I said it.  So maybe that was the point of the dream, to help me to become grounded in the reality that it is over with S.

On to a new day, a new week.  I hope there are some new and exciting things coming my way.   And yours.

Love and light.

I Believe in Love

Sun rises, sun sets.

Days stretch out in between.

Changes happen,

Nothing stays the same.

Love comes,

love goes.

Like the seasons

it passes.

Sometimes the journey isn’t meant to be forever.

Sometimes it’s just two souls reconnecting for awhile,

And then going on their separate ways.

Who knows what the purpose was?

Who knows what a soul’s journey is about?

Who knows if two souls don’t agree

To meet in this lifetime,

Just to remind them each of a lesson they came to learn?

Or of who they are, in their essence.

Who knows?

When the obligation is met

They move on to complete their own journey.

I still believe in love.

I still believe it never dies.

All those who I once professed to love,

I still love.

The love changes

It transforms.

Its energy

It can’t be destroyed.

It never dies.

I believe in love.

In the end,

It’s all there. is.

Contentment

I’m working on contentment.  I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different.  Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.

There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon.  It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time.  If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow.  One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t.  Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.

Content.  Actually, I am feeling pretty content today.  I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell.  I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing.  If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content!  But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.

I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me.  It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.

I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends.  It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the  phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.

I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season.  That will be nice.  The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later.  It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air.  Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it.  For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean.  Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters.  I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again.  We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip.  He has since sold the boat, which made me sad.  It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.

So, contentment, is where I am today.  Accepting what is, happily.  Hopefully with grace.  I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.