Sorry…I Couldn’t Help Myself

You know, everyone has to learn their lessons in their own time, in their own way.  You don’t have to teach them, in fact, you can’t.  You’re not the jackass whisperer.  Go on about your life, and be happy.  But remember if you have the choice to right or be kind, always choose kind.  Then you’ll always be right.  (So says the Dalai Lama….and I think he’s very close to the source….)

The Party’s Over, It’s Back to Work Tomorrow

This was me for 4 days.  NOT!!

I had the bandage removed from my hand this morning.  I still am amazed at how little pain I have had. Much less than the carpal tunnel gave me.  I still have a bandage, that has to stay clean and dry for a couple weeks, has to be wrapped up when I shower.  But I have much more use of my hand, limited only by the amount it hurts when I use it.  I have a little bit of physical therapy in store, to regain full use of my fingers.  But the difference was noticeable immediately.

Funny, I have noticed a flare-up of joint pain in other joints, I’m sure caused by my crazy emotional state last week. So, now I need to focus on my overall health, and on manifesting what I want in my life.  I know what I want, and I intend to focus on gratitude for all I have, for all my experiences, for all the lessons I have been blessed to learn.  And to believe….just to believe, that the universe conspires in my behalf.

These 4 days at home have been so good for me.  This is because I really couldn’t DO anything much.  You know, usually when you are home, you are working working. Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry….etc, etc, etc.    But with my dominant hand in a soft cast, even cooking was a chore, I can’t still use a knife well, I am pretty gimpy with my left hand.  Not being able to get the bandage wet pretty much ruled out heavy cleaning.  Thank God, I figured out how to type, I apparently had a lot to say.  I am so blessed by my family of friends, coming to see me, calling me, checking on me, texting me, putting up funny stuff on FB, taking me to the beach, bringing me freshly picked blueberries.  Re-enforcing my sense of worthiness, of love and belonging.

I go back to work tomorrow.  I will need some help with parts of my job, for a couple of weeks.  I’m feeling kind of a renewed sense of focus.  A clarity, if you will, of where I want to go, how I want to get there, who will be happy to accompany me, and who has chosen a different path.  It’s part of learning to live like water.  Sometimes, the only way back to source is to carve out a new path and let the water (or your spirit) flow.  I wish only love and light to everyone, and a happy life no matter what path anyone chooses.

On that note….love and light.

Time to Close the Book

If you are reading a book, and every two chapters the same miserable thing happens, is it likely you will keep reading?  After maybe 9 chapters, and the 3rd, 6th and 9th ones are all the same, the characters running around the same block, going nowhere…do you keep reading?  Is there any point?

If a story can’t evolve, if the characters can’t develop, and when you know that no matter what happens in chapters 10 and 11 that chapter 12 will boot them right back to where they were, why continue with the book?

Books, and life, needs to evolve.  Being stuck in in that cycle is boring, and useless, and a waste of time.

Time for a new book, time to close the one I’ve been reading for so long, expecting and hoping for a different outcome.  Thinking that the writer, and creator, was smart enough to evolve the characters,  Well, I know there’s someone out there who can write a story I will love.

How Quickly Things Change

The day was dripping with sunshine.

Like a hot butterscotch sauce,

it made everything glow,

and shimmer,

Ripples of heat were visible on the surface of the ocean,

Creating a layer of ghostly white mist between the sea and the sky,

Islands in the distance rose from that mist.

Even the waves had melted down into a smooth undulating dance,

reflecting the golden blue sky above.

She sat, reading a book about winter,

Reveling in the summer heat.

It was glorious…..

She fell asleep to the caress of the last of the summer breeze

and the song of the waves as they lapped the shore.

Suddenly, she woke up.

Where was she?

The brilliant day was gone,

the butterscotch sky had given way to charcoal clouds.

The breeze had stiffened, enough to create real waves

crashing on the shore.

Umbrellas were blowing around on the beach,

Anxious mothers packing up bags,

calling children from the water.

Sunburned bathers running for their cars.

She got up, folded her beach chair

She picked up her book, her bag,

Headed for her car,

She turned once more to glance

back at the sea.

A zig-zag bolt of lightning announced the time.

Time to run.

An enormous clap of thunder echoed down the sound.

A hard stiff wind picked up everything not held down.

People yelling over the noise for their children

For their loved ones.

“Run run……”

She got to her car, facing the water.

She sat there, watching,

as the world turned on the once happy beach lovers.

In a moment, the joy of a perfect summer day

Gone.

As if it were a dream.

Sheets of rain, a cacophony of thunder, and wind, and angry waves

Causing chaos now.

How quickly things can change, she thought.

Nothing lasts forever.

You Are Enough

enough

Thinking about connection this morning.  Brene Brown, in her TED talk on vulnerability says that after  you’ve been a social worker for 10 years, you know that the reason we are here is for connection.  It’s the basic premise of her work.  She goes on to say how her research (6 years of it) proves how so many negative emotions are outgrowths of the fear that something about us, or something we have done, will cause us to be not worthy of love and connection.

I think it starts with our family of origin.  I was blessed to be born into a family who never ever made me doubt for a minute or even a second, whether I was worthy of love and connection.  I took it for granted, that all children got this from their parents. It took a long marriage to someone whose parents were incapable of unconditional love, to understand the ramifications of that one seemingly small, but actually enormous and boundless thing, having or not having unconditional love. The shame that my ex experienced crept into every corner and facet of his life.  I truly believe that because he felt so unworthy of love and connection, that he believed that anyone who professed to love  him, like myself or our son, either wanted something from him or was just stupid.  And in the end, this is how he lived.  He treated me like I was stupid and sought to protect himself from me by excluding me from all things financial.  He was sure one day i would leave him….

A self fulfilling prophecy, I would say.  Of course I would eventually realize I was not part of any equation involving the two of us.  That apparently I was there to serve him, yet only to reap the benefits which he chose to give me,  which in the end were none, because I was, in his fearful mind, stupid and/or (alternatingly) out to take him.

Although, it was the abuse of my son that really moved me to get out of the marriage.  I realized at some point that if I didn’t get out, and offer my son a clear choice of love vs. fear, that I would lose him forever, and quite possibly condemn him to a very unhappy life.  I realized it when he was 9.  It took me until he was 14 to actually put together an exit plan.

All of that pain, though, every bit of it originated in my ex’s belief that since his parents could not unconditionally love him (Love for them had to be earned, and could quickly be taken away.  They thought it was motivation.) that he simply was not worthy of it.  When I realized this, my anger at him turned to sorrow for him.  I can’t imagine living a whole life, not ever believing you were worthy of love and connection.  Is there a more painful way to live?

Some people can  figure it out.  Some people can find a pathway to a creator that unconditionally loves us, or realize that we are all connected.  That there is a vast ocean of love, that we can all dip into.  Some people manage to figure out that the lessons they were taught were just wrong, and that the people that taught them  were flawed people doing the best they knew how.

Since I have been out of the marriage, I tried once or twice, when my ex opened the door, to show him a different way to see the world, and a way to rebuild a relationship with our son.  He has so far been unable to hear it, or see it.  I think some progress may have been made, that maybe he no longer believes me to be the cause of all his problems, although I don’t know this for a fact, and I do know that he doesn’t have any good answers to why he is in the dire straits he is in.

I have a friend, who had a similar childhood, who has tried to reconnect with a sibling now that their parents have both passed.  I wish this person much luck with this endeavor.  I hope it happens.  I also am real, and know it’s chances are slim. And my job, if I have one at all, is to make sure this person knows, no matter what the outcome that they are worthy of love and belonging.  That they are enough.  Just because they are, because they exist, and for no other reason.

You are enough.

A Refresher Course

 

I had a bad week this past week.  Stress over surgery, stress over work, stress over missing more work, over the insurance paying for the surgery…

Man, I did an absolutely awesome job of attracting negative energy to myself. Geezus.

Since I got home yesterday, I have watched TED talks, and documentaries, all of a spiritual nature.  Although all different, they all end up with the same message….all we really need is love.  To love ourselves, especially.  And to be grateful.  To believe that the universe conspires to make our thoughts become things.

Which is where I have fallen down, of late.

When I was going through that long, contentious divorce, and I was broke, and  I had an 18  yr old son with a broken ankle from a bad car accident (2 cars, totaled), lots of hospital bills, no longer got child support, no assistance from his father with the broken ankle bills, and every asset my ex and I had accumulated in our 32  year marriage was in his name, every single one, and he wasn’t sharing….Every day I would write a list of what I was grateful for.  And I would state unequivocally that I knew that my abundance would come to me, that the universe was working on getting it to me in the most efficient way possible, and that I knew  beyond a shadow of a doubt that it just had not manifested yet.

And every time I was really dead broke, some money came from somewhere, from unexpected places, at times utterly blowing my mind.

Tonight, I watched “The Secret”.  I have the book, I get the newsletter but never watched the movie.  It was such a good refresher course.  Thoughts do become things, and I know it, for God’s sake I am living proof.  I own my home, and my son is with me and has turned out to be a great young man, because simply I dreamed about it, and believed it would happen.  I would add, that I never wished ill upon my ex either, because the universe only hears the ill will that you are thinking about, and that would attract it to me.  He, on the other hand, obsessed about ruining me, ruining my relationship with my son.  It was all he thought about for 4 years.  And now…he has ruined himself, he has no relationship with our son.  What he thought about was what he got.

But this last week….I was worry worry worry.  I was sure everything bad that could happen would happen. And it did.  Going to the surgery center yesterday, I was terrified.  My blood pressure, normally about 115/65 was 144/85 or something.  They left me alone for about 10 or 15 minutes as they prepped the OR.  I closed my eyes and forced myself into a deep meditation.  As I calmed, I reassured myself it would all go fine.  I did a little self-reiki.

When they came in to get me, the ball of emotion in my solar plexus was gone, and since then, I have been doing the work, reminding myself over and over again, about love and gratitude, and energy work, and how thoughts become things.

Starting to feel myself again, thankfully.   Remembering to read and think and type the things about which I have passion, which bring me joy.  If you feel good, you will attract good to you. I don’t think the universe can do anything but that.  The law of attraction is a physical law of the universe, applying to everything in it.  Thoughts too.

In the words of Mike Dooley, (www.tut.com, daily Notes from the Universe) “Thoughts become things.  So think the good ones.”

The Story in His Eyes

I know an old soul. He gazes at me, at the sea, at the night sky, knowing all of us, all these things, in days past. Days long gone, eons before.

He knows that he knows these things. He never speaks of them. He is not even sure why he knows, only that he has loved someone a century or two ago. That he traveled the high seas guided only by the stars. He understands bits of languages he never learned, and finds solace on an empty winter beach.

No one knows how ancient his soul is,

No one, except me.

How do I know?

I know because his soul and mine reached for each other, through the humanness that would deny his soul’s age. We may separate for a few days, even at times a few weeks. Then one of us will reach out, one of us will call the others name. Because we knew each other then, and we found each other now.

Maybe.

I know, because he understands me, without being told who I am. Even though I have an incessant need to tell him.

I used to say to him, “I see you. Underneath it all, I see you.” He said, “did you ever think that maybe you see me because I choose to reveal myself to you?”

Perhaps.

It could be the reason. Perhaps what I arrogantly thought was my ability to perceive who he really is, was only because he allowed me to look in.

In which case, I am grateful, and honored.

He understands the way it works better than I do, I think. Except perhaps the idea of unconditional love. His humanness finds that concept to be pleasant, but rare.

Mostly I know, because when I catch him unaware of my gaze, I can see the depths of the sea, and of life, in his clear, smiling (usually) blue eyes.

When I ask him, “Do you think we knew each other before? Do you think we agreed as souls to meet up in this lifetime?” He answers, “I don’t know. And we won’t know til this lifetime is over, will we?” And he smiles, usually, laughing at me and my insatiable desire to know what happened before, and what happens after.

I still think he knows….His blue eyes tell me the story, when I get the chance to see them, gazing out to sea, or under the night sky.