Soothed

My lovely weekend had a little blip last night.  But it didn’t last, it didn’t hurt. It just triggered some anger, some negative emotion.

It was soothed by a long intimate conversation with A, until way past my bedtime.  At times I wish A was here with me that way.  I love him too.  Our relationship is close, deep, intimate, a human connection. Telling secrets, being honest, and non-judgmental.  It is so good for me, right now, to have a man in my life I can trust completely, implicitly.

He asked me to send a pic of S, he wanted to visualize the devil.  I obliged, I only have one picture on my phone still.  The rest are on the computer that crashed.

A tells me a woman invited him to her hot tub.  He tells me he doesn’t trust her. But he’s going to go anyway, lol.  I said, go….but does she know about the one in MI you are going to see?  No….but he said he wasn’t going to get intimate with the hot tub woman.

We watch out for each other, we love each other more than friends, not like lovers, but deeply.  We are a blessing to each other.  He tells me I saved his life.  I tell him, he saved mine when S tried to crush my soul.  A has always been there for me, to pick me up, to make me look in the mirror, and see that I am still a beautiful person, worthy of love and belonging.  Even with the faults that the mirror shines back at me.  He offers his shoulder, he offers his heart.  He gives me a soft place to land. I hope I do that for him too.

Lucky, so lucky to have him in my life.  It’s no coincidence that we met the day after Scott told me about doing the prison whore, when I was so down, so miserable, so broken.  He was and is a gift from the universe.

I told him, I can be such a shit…and he said, yes, and I love that about you too.

It’s a love like the sun has for the earth….he never says I owe him.  I never say he owes me.

Blessed.

 

 

No Illusions Any More

shattered_illusions_of_love_by_rmh7069-d7hi9g6

Thoughts come and go.

Remembering the pain

All through the summer

and into the fall.

Trying to understand

What was happening.

Never getting an answer that made sense.

Til two weeks ago.

Summer wasted

Waiting for you, and you were never going to be there.

You watched my pain

And reveled in it.

Played it,

like the guitar you gave her.

Used my pain,

Used my love,

Used my body

To make yourself feel good.

Anger rushes in

And then it rushes out.

I’m free.

No illusions

About who you were.

Or what you did.

Or what you were trying to do.

No illusions.

No pretty pictures.

No excuses.

Hard cold truth

Set me free.

Someone else can cry over you now

If there’s anyone left.

No illusions

Just hard cold truth.

The hard cold truth is far more beautiful

Than the sloppy, ugly, evil lies that poured out of your mouth.

No illusions.

Just freedom.

The truth has set me free.

Mellowing Out

tree

My tree is all decorated,and the house, except the outside lights. I still have to deal with that white extension cord for the lighted garland on the mantle, but you get the idea.  It was a nice day.  My son “supervised” while he watched football, but he was good company. He listened to me tell him stories about the different ornaments.  Some his cousins made, some from his first Christmas.  Some of them from his grandmother, from when I was a child.  It was enjoyable, close, relaxed, happy.

Just when I finished my cousin called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, which I did. She lives on a lake in the next town, we walked a couple of miles and talked and talked.  That too was nice.  Family.  It was a family day.  I was telling her how sick I have gotten of myself, and all the drama, and how nice it was to spend 4 days just with my son, and talking to old friends.  I realized talking to my bff from high school yesterday that I really don’t want to tell anyone else the story.  I am so sick of it, lol.

A number of people have expressed surprise that Betty has not contacted me.  I know I would have, but she probably got all she needed from the blogs.  And she’s only been aware of what was going on for less than 2 weeks.  S always said she didn’t have much to say anyway, so I’m not surprised.  The whole thing had the feel of some stupid high school drama anyway, and I’m glad really, not to have to discuss it with her, though I would have if she felt the need.

I sent A a picture of the tree.  He won’t have one, living in his RV, working on his house.  I know he wishes he was here today, helping me decorate it.  Then I told him I was about to make a plate of left-overs, lol. His response, “God, woman, you are making my mouth water….”

A had been very sweet lately, even though he’s trying to find someone who wants a relationship with him.  He asked me for a pic of me in my bathrobe and jammies this morning, my hair only combed slightly, lol.  He said, “please, that’s when you are the most beautiful, when you wake up.”  He’s seen me wake up twice.  Once at his house, once at mine.  I’m so grateful to have  him in my life.  I can love him a lot from a distance.

I wondered idly at some point today if S remembered last Thanksgiving weekend, when he was complaining he didn’t get any leftovers from his ex-wife, and I showed up on Saturday with enough for he and I to have a meal, and for him to have a couple more.  I remember that as a nice weekend, even though I can’t remember what we did.  Maybe went to the beach, I think he took me to a produce stand near one of the beaches. Doesn’t matter.   I didn’t think about it long, it was just a passing thought. Didn’t make me happy or sad, it was just a memory.

It was a happy, calm, relaxing day.  In fact, the last 4 days have been. I didn’t need an Ambien to sleep last night either. Mellowing out.  Life is good.

The Ordinary, The Mundane

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It’s odd, now that I’ve been out of the relationship drama for over a week, how I have to search for something passionate to write about.  I am sick of writing about that drama.  I am sick of living it over and over.

I’m leaving it behind me.  I leave the two of them to deal with what’s left of the drama.  I feel like I did my job, I got the truth on the table, and whatever happens will be a result of people dealing with the truth in a positive or negative way.  But I no longer am part of it.  Thankfully.

My life is becoming mine again.  What do I want?  What do I want to do?  Who do I want to spend time with? What will I give my sisters and my mother and my son for Christmas?  When will my bff and I make Christmas cookies?  What will my son and I have for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas day?

Just the mundane, ordinary, questions of life that involve happiness, family, joy…

A huge sigh of relief.  It was like being in high school again, so immature, so unnecessary, so draining.  It’s over, and life returns.  Back to where I was two years ago, before S ever entered my life.

Happy to live a mundane life for awhile, lol.

 

Feeling Content

 

 

contentment-275x206Putting up Christmas decorations today. All but the tree. I’ll get to that maybe tonight, the lights at least. The rest of it tomorrow.

I didn’t go to the sweat lodge today. The sweat lodge tends to be emotional, a way to release, to reconnect with yourself at the deepest level. It’s good, sometimes. But I have been emotional now for so long. Riding the roller coaster of emotions, I just didn’t want to be emotional today. Or this weekend. I am sick of my emotions, sick of crying, sick of being angry, sick of it all. I just want to move on, and live a normal life, with all that chaos and drama in the past. Where it belongs.

So, in addition to the Christmas decorations I did laundry, cleaned my kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, put stuff away as I took stuff out, lol.  I also managed to get my new computer updated so I could install the printer without freezing the computer.  And I had to work at downloading Open Office too.  But I got it all done, seems to be working ok.  Every time I installed the new printer on this computer it would lock it up and I’d have to reset it to the initial settings.  Grrr.

Then I sat down to take a break. I found a movie I’ve wanted to see on On-Demand, for free. It was A Winter’s Tale, with Colin Firth and Russell Crowe. I had a few mixed emotions about it.

Scott had given me the book last spring, one of the last times I was at his house. It was a nice gesture. He said he just thought I might like it, a blend of fantasy, and fiction, love across the ages. A few weeks later he began to push me away, because she was back, unknown to me. I loved the book, it is one of my favorite books now.

One of the many times I tried to break it off with him, he asked me to give him the book back. He’d also given me another, Jitterbug Perfume. I guess at some point, I got angry with his little offers of a “nice afternoon” or to come over after work, and never stay. I told him not to come at all, if he wouldn’t stay. What he wanted I didn’t. I sent both books back to him after buying my own copies off of ebay for less than $5 each, including shipping. The break-up didn’t last, we reconciled after a few days. I probably gave in to him, but he might have come for the night too, that happened a couple times. I was just so crazy about him. Geezus.

Anyway, there was a lot of his energy around the movie. I was pretty sure I could deal with the triggers. As it turned out, there were not really any triggers, but the movie was well acted but terrible if you’ve read the book. I didn’t see how they could make a movie of it that would run less than say, 5 hours. Well they did, because they changed the story, and left out huge important parts of it. So….read the book, don’t watch the movie, lol.

The other book, Jitterbug Perfume, is in my desk at work. I started it before we broke up, I read the first few chapters and liked it too. But I’ve picked it up since and it just made me angry and hurt, and I can’t even look at it. Now that I have the facts, I just get disgusted looking at it, so it will stay in my desk drawer at work, where I will hardly ever see it.

Last night I slept without Ambien for the first time in months. I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel, it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain. Then I kept taking it when Scott dumped me, so I could get 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I’ve been afraid to not take it, afraid I wouldn’t sleep. But last night I did ok. I woke up a couple times but got back to sleep.

I got a couple messages from men on a dating site, (NOT OKCupid where I met S!). I’ve messaged with one of them before, and he said he’s looking forward to talking this week. That would be nice. The other guy wrote a very funny message, he made me laugh. Very outside the box, interesting writing style. He’s not my type physically, but his message made me laugh so hard, I answered it anyway. You never know. I love to laugh.

Talked to A this morning for a long while. He has met a woman in Michigan on-line….I was like, A, it’s so far!!! He wants so badly to be in love, he still loves me so much, I know. He told me so twice this morning. But he’s respectful of my wishes, of the fact that I don’t want a long distance relationship, that our chemistry isn’t like that for me. He says he’s going to go to MI to meet this woman, that’s almost as far as here. I’m afraid for him but it’s his deal. He said he will talk to me about it. I told him to trust his gut, that he doesn’t need my energy in the mix. (He said it already is.) I really want him to be happy. He is such a good loving soul. We have never lied to each other, never led each other on. I know I have broken his heart, a couple times, but I did it honestly, I let him know what was going on, and how I felt; He was never blindsided. I owned it, and I stayed with him while he dealt with it. We have had some very tender moments, moments which were real.

It’s nice to have had a few tender moments that were real with a man.

Last night he said he probably needs to live alone for awhile. Because he never has. He lost his wife to cancer in July of 2014. His son lives with him. He said, he is trying to learn how to “uncouple”. I told him I’ve been uncoupled for a long long while (9 years). I don’t include having been with Scott as having been a couple. I was crazy in love with him, but he never let us be a couple. I look back and have to just let it all go, I don’t think it meant anything to him at all.

My son is having “Friendsgiving” tonight at our house.  That should be interesting.  They will stay in his space, he said they’re all bringing food.  I love that energy.

It’s been a nice day, just getting stuff done, no exhausting emotions around anything. Feeling content, looking forward with a smile.

“BRAVING” Trust

BRAVING-2I am a HUGE Brene Brown fan.  Also  HUGE Elizabeth Gilbert fan. (Not at all surprised they are good friends.)  One or the other of them always pops up saying exactly what I need to hear at the exact time I need to hear it.  It is amazing how the universe puts the people you most need square in your path when you most need them.

The day after S so thoughtlessly and cruelly dumped me, I saw Brene on SuperSoulSunday talking about her new book, Rising Strong, and I had it downloaded onto my kindle before the show was over.  I went on FB yesterday and one of the first posts was Liz Gilbert posting a new Brene talk on “The Anatomy of Trust.”

It is quintessential Brene, full of personal stories, making us laugh, and cry, just being so real, and teaching us what we need to know about trust.  I watched it, it’s only about 10 or 15 minutes, and then watched it again with a pen and paper to make notes.

Naturally, I was filtering my recent break-up as I watched it.

She created an anagram for building trust.  It is B R A V I N G.  Because when we trust someone we are “braving” connection, making ourselves vulnerable.  Here’s the down-low.

B – Boundaries.  For trust to develop between people, boundaries have to be set and kept by both parties.  With S, I had one.  Don’t have sex with anyone else if you’re having it with me.  Pretty clear.  He had a lot….and they weren’t clear, they were subjective.  Don’t ask too much, don’t make plans too far ahead, don’t expect anything, don’t demand anything.  You get the idea.

R – Reliability. Do what you say you’re going to.  I don’t think I ever broke this one with him.  I generally try to do this with everyone.  S did what he said he would, if he felt like doing it when the time came.  Thus the blurred boundaries….  If he talked about going somewhere, it didn’t mean he would.  If he said he’d call, it didn’t mean he would.  If he said he was open to a relationship, it didn’t mean that he’d feel like that next week.

A – Accountability.  Owning your story.  If you make a mistake, which we all do….owning it, apologizing for it, and making it right.  I have no problem with this, I apologized often and fully, usually for misunderstanding him or his actions. (And in hindsight, I was often right, and apologizing for it.)  S….apologized after the prison whore.  He came to me, he looked me in the eye, he told me the whole story, he felt bad, it was over.  It went a long way toward building trust.  Then, a few months later, began the HUGE voluminous deception of me, and Betty….and he still has not owned that to me, he still has not apologized for months of deception when all the while I was asking him to let me go.  Not accountable.  At all.

V – The vault.  What you tell me in confidence I keep in confidence.  And what others tell me I also keep in confidence.  I think I did that, still do that.  I have never told anyone the things he told me in confidence.  I don’t think he has either, told anyone anything I told him.  (However, my life is much more an open book, and no one knew me in his life, so there was nothing to tell and no one to tell it to.)  However, he was quite willing to falsely trash his girlfriend to me, to send me a naked picture of her to make me jealous.  So…I think that picture should have been in his vault.  But he didn’t keep it there.

I- Integrity.  I don’t think this needs any discussion.  Screwing two women, for months on end, who love you without them knowing you are doing it is a total lack of integrity.  Making up lies about his girlfriend, when she was his ex, is a total lack of integrity.  I know he wants to say I was with A when I was with him….but I was never with A physically when I was with S.  Never.  I met A after the prison whore, right after.  I went out with him, he was like a salve on a gaping open wound, but I wasn’t with him sexually during that time.   S can pretend I did what he did, but I didn’t.

N – Non-judgement.  I know I did not judge him for anything he told me in confidence.  I did, in the end, judge him for his lies and deception of me, and of Betty.  He also was fairly non-judgmental, although he at times disparaged me for some of the spiritual teachers I liked.  Ram Dass in particular.  His reasoning was that Ram Dass came from a privileged family in Boston, and S felt he was in it for the money.  I didn’t come across Ram Dass until a few years ago, when he was about 80 or so, and I felt he had a lot of valuable insight at that stage of his life.

G – Generosity.  When someone does or doesn’t do something you thought they would, having a generous thought about them, like, “I was hoping you’d do this, but I know you love me, and we’re ok.  I just want you to know I was thinking of it.”  I do this to a fault, and did it with him way way too much.  Gave him a lot of credit he hadn’t earned.   I don’t know if he ever did it, he seemed to love to find something to complain about.  He had the nerve to say, not long ago, after he dumped me but before I found out he’d been with her all summer,  that he was upset that I said in my blog that I “cuddled” with A before A left on his big adventure.  S and I were not not even speaking then.  He had refused to make plans with me Memorial Day weekend. Refused to go to Florida with me after getting me all excited that he would likely go.   Now I know why…because he made them with Betty.  It’s almost humorous that  he had the nerve to bitch at me for cuddling with A, while he was screwing Betty.  It was just a manipulation.  But it wasn’t generous.

Looking at this anagram, and filtering this relationship through it, I see and am filled with the knowledge that I gave away my trust to someone who didn’t earn it.  Period.  And I’m lucky to be out of it, without more scars.  It’s a lesson learned, learned well.

Trust is made up of seemingly small insignificant moments, Brene teaches, that build trust over time.  Not a few big events.   S shouldn’t have earned my trust simply because he apologized and owned his story about the prison whore.  There were so many small moments that I wrote off, because they were insignificant.  And really, those were the things that were telling.

This lesson is included in her book, Rising Strong.  This is the link to the video:

http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust/