Just Bringing the Truth


I wrote that blog last night about the hammer, and didn’t think about the fact that S might read it.  I don’t have any idea if he still reads my blogs.  I don’t know why he would, except to reassure himself on some sick level that I still think about him.  I would guess if he reads that one, he’ll get angry, and think it was all about revenge.  (My pendulum still says he does, though not every day.  It just seems illogical to me, that he would.  We have not spoken since I told him he was dead to me.  So why he would want to read it?  Maybe to reassure himself he is really not dead to me?  Who knows?)

Well, of course I think about him.  But I don’t think of him with any pangs of longing, it’s more like a bad habit I’m breaking now.  Kind like when the text alert goes off on my phone, I still first think of him, because we used to text so much.)  He is less and less on my mind.  What he did is more and more just another experience I lived through and learned from.

Neither of the experiences that I wrote about, he or my ex-husband, were about getting even.  Neither of the experiences was about revenge.  My ex was about getting what was mine, and being fair. I only brought the truth to light so I could survive.

S was about bringing the truth to light as well, so that everyone knew exactly what was going on, and so could make their own decision about whether or not they wanted to be part of it.  I feel that I did the right thing for myself, for her, and whether or not he wants to believe or accept it, for him.  A relationship based on a lie is nothing, except an ego boost for the narcissist, that he once again pulled the wool over someone’s eyes and got away with it.  While I normally stay out of other people’s business, I felt that since I was the third leg of his triangle, it was my business. He involved me where I didn’t want to be involved.  And when you pull one leg out of the triangle, it’s going to collapse, it’s a law of physics….

Both men were someone I loved, and men I hope the best for in the new year.  I am so happy to be moving away from all that drama.

I have a nice New Year’s Eve planned with a friend.  We’re going to try to get an early dinner somewhere, (because we have no reservations and probably can’t get any at this late date) and then hang out at my house and talk, drink wine, watch movies, lol.  I’m glad I won’t be alone, but if I was, I’d probably just write and write, lol.

Love and light everyone.  May 2016 be our year!


Dropping the Hammer


Today I went to see the movie “Joy” with some friends. I really liked it, and loved Jennifer Lawrence’s character. So strong and smart. She learned from every bad experience. She called people out when they needed to be called out. She did her homework.

Toward the end of the movie, the narrator said, “She would take anything, until she had to drop the hammer. And then she would drop it hard.” Or something to that effect.

God, that made me laugh!!!! That was ME!!!

My ex…refused to settle with me. Our divorce went on 4 years, he appealed the judge’s fair decision after a 3 day trial, and took it to the Supreme Court. Until then, I couldn’t get a dime of our joint estate, because it was all in his name. But there were times that I felt like I just kept taking and taking abuse from him until I just dropped the hammer. During our trial, I produced journals he knew nothing about. I had pictures he knew nothing about. And I had actual information about his business because I had done the books my whole life. I was not the stupid country girl he thought I was. His testimony was not credible at any point. Mine always was. He spent probably $125K trying to keep me from getting what was rightfully mine from a 32 year marriage. But I won. I dropped the hammer. (And he ended up paying the bulk of my legal fees too…..)

With Scott….well it’s obvious. I took and took and took what he was dishing out. He kept fucking with my head, my life, and I kept taking it. But finally, when he exceeded the limit of what I could take, when I found out he’d been with her all summer, and lied to both of us, bold faced, look-you-in-the-face lies, I dropped the hammer again. I did my research. I was not the naive stupid lovelorn woman he thought I was either. I found out the truth. I made him tell her, or I would. I will never forget calling him and saying, “Are you telling her? Becaue I have her number dialed on my phone pad and I’m going to call her if you don’t tell her.” And then I finished the job that I knew he would not do by sending her a letter which spelled it out for her. She may want him back, though I doubt it. But at least, if she does, she knows what she’s getting.

And I have no regrets about either man. They both made their bed, they both lie down in it tonight. If my ex had settled with me, he’d not be broke right now. If Scott had told me the truth, there would have been nothing to tell her. If either man hadn’t been so hell-bent on satisfying themselves instead of doing the right thing, they would both be where they want to be right now.

I, on the other hand, am. Right where I need to be. Without either one, and with a life rich with family and friends, looking forward to a retirement in a warmer climate, and knowing that somewhere there is a man my age that would be happy to have a smart, independent, fairly attractive, honest, and passionate woman.

Letting go has not been easy, but I knew I could do it. I know I can do it, I’ll keep it in the present tense.

And like Joy, if you fuck with me, you will get hammered. Period.

Let It Be

let it be

This morning I chose a guided meditation on acceptance. It seemed quite clear to me after my last blog, Still Waiting, that I was not doing a good job of accepting what is. I have been holding on, waiting for some resolution, some miracle of understanding to happen.

The guided part of the meditation asks, “What would your life be like if you could accept someone else’s point of view all the time?” I remember thinking, “I can’t…accept lies and deception of another person as a way to achieve personal satisfaction….I can’t.” As the guided part ended and I slipped into the gap, I thought, but why not just accept what happened, as just what happened? Why not, just allow it to be, since it is, it was, what happened? Why fight this forever?

And, at least, for that 20 minutes, I accepted it. I accepted the pain, and the heartache, and that I loved him, and who he was, and who I was, and the lessons I learned, and the place to which it has brought me. Without judgment. Without tears, without any emotion about it. I just observed it, as an experience of my life.

Which is exactly how I view my long relationship with my ex-husband. I can see the good, the bad, the ending, the beginning, the differences, the pain, the joy….

And for that time while I was in that deep gap of silence, and maybe longer, I can see the same with Scott. It was good, it was bad, it was thwarted because of his inability to be accountable for his actions. His actions before me, his actions with me. His actions with her. I don’t judge, I actually have a good idea what burdens he carries. And that he carries even more now, somewhere deep inside that damaged psyche. For that I can have compassion.

I accept it is the way it is. At least for now. It may not last. But it may. It seemed to resonate on a deeper level than before. I can only hope. I can only be mindful, as I move through the next days, weeks, months, and let it be.

Which is ironic, it’s what he always wanted me to do, lol. Let it be. Don’t tell her, let it be. Don’t ask that question, let it be. Don’t look for answers, let it be.

Suddenly, I think I can let it be, but only because I have answered my questions, I know what happened, I see quite clearly. I stood in my own truth, I did what I needed to do. The story is written, the truth came out, the whole truth. The rest of the story unfolded as it should have, and my story continues to unfold, as does his, as does hers, but those are none of my business.

So I’ll let it be. Right now, I stop asking questions, I stop holding on to the trauma and the pain and the love….. Just let it be. It was an experience. Like taking a trip, like taking a drive, like any other experience. I may have learned more from it, and so I will be grateful for it. I don’t wish it never happened, because then I would not have known that I can still love passionately, unconditionally. I would not know that trust needs to be earned. I would not know that unconditional love has to extend to ourselves first. Always.

Acceptance. I hope I can continue to let it be. I know that the waves may still wash over me, I hope I can go back to this place, and let the waves come in, and go. Let the tide rise and fall again. I hope I can find the man I’m looking for somewhere along the tideline. Where all the treasure washes up.

Still Waiting…..


Maybe I’m just tired tonight. It’s getting late for me, because I’m up so early. Maybe it’s because I was alone all day.

But I’m sad. Just, sad. I miss him, and I don’t. I remember how I loved him and I don’t anymore, but I miss loving him. I used to be able to call his name in my head, and I’d hear from him. I don’t now. I think about calling him that way, and then every version of the conversation that could possibly take place runs through my head and it’s never good, it never serves any purpose except to re-open old wounds.

I wish I could just let go. I wish I had no connection to him except the 18 months that I knew him. I wish I never knew what he felt, and I wish I had never called his name and had him answer. I wish he’d never said to me, “if something happened to you, I’d know. I’d just know.” Because if that’s true, he knows right now how my heart aches. And I believe it’s true, that he knows. Because I know when his does.

Right now, I know he doesn’t blame me, he doesn’t hate me. But he never wants to talk to me again, because it reminds him of how utterly stupid and self-absorbed and self-centered he is. And what he lost because of it. He knows he cannot hide from me, because he knows that my soul and his recognize each other over the lifetimes, even if he says, “We can’t know that…” Instead of me reminding him of the light that shines somewhere under all those layers of darkness that he hides under, I remind him of how he put his own interests ahead of everyone, and ended up with nothing and no one. A barren landscape that once held so much promise.  I never wanted to bring him shame. 

Why do I even care? I am strong, independent. I have created my life so that I can live it out the way I want to, and don’t need anyone. But I wanted him, I think that has gone on for a very long time. I knew this when we met, I knew that I already knew him.

I read a couple of old blogs from the 3 days over which the truth became known in November. I don’t know why I read them, maybe I was just trying to keep the memory of my disgust, my amazement at the depth of what he did, alive so I wouldn’t miss him, so I’d see how utterly without conscience he was.

I remembered all of that, but then I also remembered when I loved him. I also remembered when the end started, and I also remembered how I kept asking him to just let me go. I remembered how it unraveled slowly all summer and then he let it build back up, he pretended we were going to be together in the way I’d dreamed of for months. He let my emotions crescendo, maybe because he wanted to feel how much I loved him just one last time, just before he destroyed me.  It’s hard for me to imagine that he didn’t purposefully cause me all that pain.

I found this poem I wrote one week after I last talked to him, the day that she got my letter and I told him he was dead to me.  I’m going to put it here again, because I think it’s pertinent to the way I feel tonight. It’s called “Awaiting Transformation”

Day dawns,

First light glows the horizon

Soft pink

Where heaven meets earth.

The sky still indigo directly above,

With one solitary star still visible

On this cold clear November morning.

The trees are bare,

The earth in New England settles down

For a long winter nap.

All of the the past year’s leaves and flowers

Lay on the ground

Ready to begin their transformation.

We mourn their passing,


At the same time

We know at the first breath of spring

They will arise to become

something once again beautiful.

I will rest with them

Let my heart

Heal in the warm unconditional love

of the universe

All the pieces I have so carefully put back together,

And the ones I have not found yet,

Will meld together again,

Become whole once more.

I will leave the old hurts in the ground with the leaves

Covered in the blankets of snow

Knowing that the spring will come.

Awaiting transformation.


Snapshots in Time


I have been pretty ambivalent lately in how I feel about him. I obviously missed him resulting in the blog about why we can’t be friends. I am also obviously a little distraught over my kitty. And I also fight a battle to be true to the person I want to be, which fights what I think is justice, resulting in the blog about compassion.

And I read a blog by a self-described narcissist who thought he was powerful, and made no apologies for being a user of people, which pissed me off, but moreso disgusted me.

Lots of conflicting emotions.

Scott used to complain so much about what I wrote in my blog. If he was acting like an asshole, I’ve always said so. And when he wasn’t I would say that too. I told him every blog is a snapshot in time, it’s what I feel at that moment, and it’s how I work through it.

I rue the day I EVER gave him the link to it. Worst decision ever…..

But he has it. And I feel he still reads them. Maybe not every day. I think sometimes, when he has curiosity or needs some attention, he still reads him. I have no way to verify that, it’s just something I “feel”. Which has often been a valid indicator. I do have my pendulums, but I still can’t be sure I’m getting real answers from them. They can also be a snapshot of the emotions that are being felt at the time.

So, I think I’ve figured it out at the moment. I don’t think there will be one definitive emotion. I don’t think I will ever say “I’m so done with him, I’ll never mention him again.” Or, “I will never miss him, look at what a jerk he was to me.” Or “I wish I’d hear from him” and leave it at that.

I think the emotions will come and go. I can see the pattern, but I can also see that the general trend is to keep him in the past, and let it go. It seems most days I’m doing that. It’s easier when I’m with other people, who remind me who I am and what I deserve from a man. And also remind me what a complete fuck-up fucktard he was, not only to me but to Betty.

It took years for my emotions to settle out to a consistent level after I left my ex.  Hopefully, it won’t take so long this time.

So…the blog continues to be a snap-shot in time. Like snap-chat except the blogs stay, they last. And good thing. It never hurts to have a whole lot of repetitive emotions on the printed page to remind you when you are frigging dying to reach out. And you know it would come to no good end, it would not do anything but re-open wounds that you’ve been working night and day at healing. And, anyway, the couple of times I”ve reached out, unable to quell the desire to talk to him, he has not responded. As if I’ve not been rejected enough.

Today, out running errands, by myself…(dangerous, to be driving around alone with your thoughts sometimes) I thought about how I was pretty sure they had plans for retirement, which my discovery of his lying cheating ass most likely put an end to. Suddenly it was important for him to get his house all cleaned up, and rooms painted, and fixed up. I think so he could sell it, or she could sell hers, and they could move in together. All of a sudden he was looking into Social Security, and getting the facts. Meeting with them. Telling me all about what you had to do and didn’t. And oddly getting mad at me when I already knew a lot of what he was telling me, but I’m close to that age, and I plan to start collecting it this spring.

So now…since I have a copy of the note she left him with the key to his house, saying it was all over, for him not to try to contact her, (and that was before she got my letter telling her the extent of his deception as well as a link to this blog), I would guess those plans are off for both of them. Wondering what he’ll do. Keep working? Since he had no plan before her, and probably doesn’t have one now. I have a feeling she can’t afford to retire unless she is with someone. That’s not something I know, but he told me a few times that she had terrible credit, had gotten into credit card debt, etc…..

And I know he wants to blame me for disrupting all of this. But I know at the end of the day he knows it was his own stupidity. He could have told me the truth for starters, back last spring. He could have kept his FB page hidden. He could have let me go any of the times I tried to break up with him because I wasn’t seeing him. Or the couple of times he told me he needs to be alone, and figure himself out. Usually followed within minutes or a day or two, with an offer to get together. I never took it seriously. But I did always tell him go ahead, I support that. I also told him do it, but that doesn’t mean I’m waiting in the corner for you when you decide you want to see me. If you want to be alone, be it…. And of course, he didn’t, because he made it up. He wanted to be with her, and with me. So he couldn’t go off an be alone.

Or he could have been honest with himself, and admitted that he only wanted to fuck two women, and didn’t really give a shit about either of them. I want to think he was more sincere about caring about her, but really….he denied us both to each other in exactly the same way. I just found out the truth. I don’t think she was looking for him to be lying so didn’t look for it But his choice to lead me on and build me up to a frenzy right up to the moment he told me about her, caused me to keep looking for answers. He knows I don’t “let things be” no matter how many times he asked me to.

So, I have a bunch of snapshots in the last 48 hours. Missing him, seeing him with compassion, being angry with him. And thinking about the bigger picture and how it affected him and her.

I don’t regret for a second that I made sure she knows. If he’d gotten a pass on it, it would have been a get out of jail free card, he would have done it again and again to her. (Which his history proves, his history with her and with me.) She might have gotten married to the SOB, to find her sheets soiled by another woman at any time. I wonder, often, if he had other women besides us two. If he went to see Samantha the prison whore after work some days. Or someone else. He has an insatiable need to prove himself sexually. And he can’t let anyone go, whose willing to give it to him. No matter what it will cost him if he’s found out.

He has neuropathy from being diabetic. After chemo, he wasn’t for a full year because of the weight he lost. But this summer his numbers went really bad, a fact I knew before he went to the dr and found out, because of that energetic connection we have. When all the real shit came down, I told him, it won’t matter soon, because your dick won’t be working all that much longer. I can be cruel too…..

At his age, it’s really disgusting. Honest to God. He’s gonna be 67 next month.

So today, I’m back to disgusted by the whole episode, and anxious to have it relegated to a corner of my past. Yes, I loved him. I loved him so friggin much it is ridiculous. Ridiculous considering who the man turned out to be. More ridiculous that I can say I still love him, but not in that needy, lustful way.

Snapshots…that’s all these are. Just snapshots of my emotions as I continue to work my way through this so I can have a free heart for the right guy.

Thoughts on Compassion

thich nhat hanh compassion quotes

It seems that winter has hit the northeast USA today.  It is cold, but not unseasonably so.  It’s just hovering around freezing.  But that’s the problem, it’s precipitating, and it’s sleet, not snow.  Frozen pellets falling from the sky.

Thankfully, I don’t have to work.  Thankfully it’s supposed to change to rain by late morning.  However, I had a dental appointment at 8 AM for a crown, which I just canceled.  To get there I have to drive over a huge hill, in some places it would be called a small mountain.  And there are accidents galore on the highways this morning.  I’m guessing that getting out of my driveway would be challenging.  So, now I have to wait to get this crown done.  I hope the tooth does not fall apart in the meantime.

I still am waiting to hear from the vet for an appointment for Maggie.  I called them late last evening, so I’m guessing they will call back this morning.

So, I’m home for the morning anyway.  I think I may make some jewelry.  I have so many lovely stones I can wire-wrap.  I need to use that part of my brain for awhile.  It will refresh my outlook on things.  Give me some perspective. 

Tomorrow I’m going to see Joy  with Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, and Robert DeNiro with a few of my friends, and get a bite to eat.  Looking forward to it.  Although, I may have to take Maggie to the vet tomorrow also.  If I don’t get an appointment tomorrow, I’ll have to wait til next week, I doubt that it would get done New Year’s Eve. 

I did a guided meditation on Forgiveness this morning.  I chose that one, because I felt I was slipping backwards a bit.  I know from the experience with my ex-husband that the only way I can move forward and truly let go of the past is to forgive.  I see my ex now as the flawed damaged person he is, who is still seeking the unconditional love, though he doesn’t believe in it, and in his damaged psyche, doesn’t believe he deserves it.  Which is how, in my heart, I see Scott too. 

I know too much about both men, I know what their lives were like as children, I know the struggles they went through.  I know my ex’s from experience, from almost 40 years of living with his extended family and seeing the dysfunction in action.  I know Scott’s experience from what he told me.  I believe it to be true, because his actions, and his relationships with his sister and his mother bear the stories out. 

When I know this, and see this, I have to feel compassion.  I don’t have to feel love in the way that I did, I don’t have to want to be with them, but I have to feel compassion.  I am just more comfortable that way. 

I believed with Scott that if I loved him unconditionally, as he had never been, it would eventually bring him around.  That was my Pollyanna side, because one person’s unconditional love for that time was not going to be enough to undo years of conditioning.  It was my naivete.  I was coming off of the power it had to give my son strength, but my son had my unconditional love for his whole life, and had a frame of reference.  Scott had none, and so, had no reason to believe that it was real, that I was not just naive and stupid.  In hindsight, he had affection for me, but it was very mixed with his own self-centered self-absorbed desires, and needs.  He is a typical child of an abusive dysfunctional household. 

My ex’s childhood was similar, with different twists.  I know first hand how verbally and emotionally abusive his father could be, because I worked for him for 20 years, before we bought the business, and he visited it upon me a few times. I also know how his mother passively endorsed the abuse, while professing love for her children. It was not until I left that marriage that I learned about abuse, that I even realized there was a name for what I lived through.  I found an online community of over 8000 members, and I remember reading their posts, thinking “Oh My God!  There are OTHER people who have lived with this!  There’s  NAME for what he did to me!”  I remained very active in that community for at least 5 years.  I went in naive, I came out with an education.  The friends I made there are still some of my closest friends.  We still call on each other as our children deal with the repercussions of abuse.

Combine this education, with embarking on a spiritual path, to regain my sense of self, to rediscover who I was when I left my marriage.  Because when you live with abuse, you end up spending 24/7 just trying to keep the peace.  Just trying to stay a step ahead of the abuser, to protect yourself and your kids.  You try to become what they want, so they will be happy.  Of course, they always change what they want, the minute you achieve it, so that you never know what’s going to come at you.  A true honest mind-fuck of the first degree.

I began to recognize the same pattern with Scott, with his push pull game.  The same thing, in a different form. Which is why I kept trying to break up with him, but was unable to let go.  Until, it’s all I could do to save myself.

I cleansed my pendulums this morning with white sage and asked some very pointed questions.  I got what I believe are real answers, and I’m going to try to follow the path that they put me on. They were questions and answers about dealing with these issues with compassion.  Both men and the issues still come into my head way too much, and I don’t want to fear them, I don’t want to hate them, I don’t want to feel angry. 

There was something for me to learn in both situations, and I think, something for me to teach.  If the student refuses the lesson, that’s not my problem.  I think I’ve learned mine.  I’m open to them, and to any that are still hanging out there for me to learn.

I sense that my ex has been humbled.  Not completely, but he is sounding more like he’s reaching out, that he misses having some communication with someone who knows him.  That’s a good thing.  I won’t get caught in his web again, but it’s possible that now that he’s lost everything, and I mean everything….he can be a little vulnerable, because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I’m not jumping in, but neither will I be afraid to communicate with him.

Scott, I don’t sense much from.  I think he’s closed whatever small opening he had in his heart that would have allowed love to enter and to extend from him.  I do sense though, that perhaps he’s doing what I suggested, and taking some time to re-evaluate the way he lives.  He’s not doing this because I suggested it, he’s doing it because in his mind he’s lost everything too.  He’s heading into his final years, when he should be retiring, and enjoying life with people he loves, but he’s all alone.  His ploy to keep people in his life based on deception didn’t work.  So I hope he’s going to go within, and try to find his own light.  I still can see that soul, I still can see his light. I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my feelings for him:  love, hate, anger, compassion, longing, repulsion….. 

At the end of the day, I have to go with compassion, because it’s my comfort zone.  It’s what I believe in my heart to be the only way to move forward.  My pendulums seem to concur with that. 

One thing I learned in the abuse community was that hurt people hurt people.  I am no exception.  When each of these men hurt me, I hurt them back.  My words with Scott, while true….were scathing. My actions with my ex, while necessary for my survival and my son’s, blindsided him.  I make no apologies, really, because Scott devastated me, I had to release that pain.  My ex was on a quest to steal my soul…my son…my breath.  If I didn’t leave him we both would have died, literally…because the dysfunction was truly affecting our health.  My son would have never seen that there is a different way to live, he would have been doomed to repeat what he did not understand.

Lord, I did not expect this blog to go here.  But it did, and that’s the reason I write mostly.  To work things out, to express things that I am trying to understand, and in the expression to find the understanding.  If you made it this far, thank you. 

Love and light.




Why We Can Never Be Friends

Friends and enemies

It seems crazy, I mean really mind-bending crazy, to say I miss him at all. Because every thing I think about that I miss about him, is now tainted with the deception and the lies.

I miss sitting outside, on my deck, and talking till the wee hours or in the wee hours of the morning. About anything….and just talking, and laughing. And flirting. Flirting until we wanted to go back upstairs to my room…..

I miss that.

But now I know that a lot of those nights last summer, he had come to me from her, or was going from me to her. So it’s tainted, and now it hurts to remember. Or makes me angry. Or some of both. And I’d just rather not feel any of that, so I just shut the door.

I miss our intimate sexual conversations. But they too are tainted. When Betty found out, he tried to say we were just kidding around, that he wasn’t serious.

But he was. Then. But now he denies it. He dishonors it. He makes me feel dirty, and stupid. He says it meant nothing to him.

But it did. Then.

I remember quickly, that he denied her to me. Just exactly as he denied me to her. So it’s just who he is. The narcissist who plays women for all he can personally get from them.

He used to say, in general, why can’t people remain friends when they break up? So they had some bad stuff, they couldn’t make it together. Does that have to negate all the good times they had.

I think, that in this case…. Yes. It does mean that. Because when lies and deception undercut a relationship enough to destroy it, it also undercuts everything about that relationship. All the things you valued, all the things that made you excited to see each other, that made you want each other, that made you enjoy each others company, that made you laugh til you couldn’t breathe, and then make love the same way, are all undercut by the lies, by the deceit. None of it seems real anymore. It seems like it was all a lie. It was all just a deception on someone’s part.

Not mine.

So, we have to let it all go. We can’t just let go the actual incidents that caused the break-up, we can’t just let go of the pain that caused our hearts to stop beating, at least for the seconds around the moment when we realized the truth.

We can’t keep the parts we wanted to remember forever. I can’t remember being on the beach in Matunuck or driving around in the car, or Watch Hill, or East Beach, not my deck or his or my bed or his, or any of it, not one second, without a question mark at the end of my memory. Was he playing me then? I wonder. Then? What about then?  Why did he take me there, and tell me it was his special place….and make me feel so honored he took me there. Why did he share so much of himself?  Was it even true, or just a ploy to make an empathetic loving soul have one more reason to love him?  So that now, I have a beautiful, tainted memory that I have to let go of. That I’m not sure of.

I’m letting it all go, I’m almost done. Really. It doesn’t hurt much anymore, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t keep any of it, and think it’s real. It all is pretty meaningless now. I didn’t want it that way, but he did. Or he wouldn’t have…..done what he did.

So I’ll live like water, I’ll go with the flow, and I’ll let it all go. Because that’s the way it has to be, to move on.