The Story in His Eyes 2

Soneone read this old post this morning, it shows in my stats. It seems odd, it’s only had 10 views since I wrote it.  I wrote it last summer, when Scott was purportedly at his sisters, a story which I don’t believe now. I had carpal tunnel surgery and I think he just made up the story about going to see her so I wouldn’t feel bad he didn’t come to see me because he was with Betty. 

Writing this with one hand in a soft cast.  He had told me the night before that he was a fucking asshole and I should leave him alone. I asked if he had fucked someone to which he answered “NOOOOO”.  

And we all know what a lie that was. 

But I figured he was having a hard time at his sisters because their relationship was strained.  So I wrote this to try to buoy his spirits.  

While he was fucking Betty. 

I am sometimes taken aback at the way I loved him, and what he was doing to me. I was such a fool. It strains me.  

The Story In His Eyes 

I know an old soul. He gazes at me, at the sea, at the night sky, knowing all of us, all these things, in days past. Days long gone, eons before.

He knows that he knows these things. He never speaks of them. He is not even sure why he knows, only that he has loved someone a century or two ago. That he traveled the high seas guided only by the stars. He understands bits of languages he never learned, and finds solace on an empty winter beach.

No one knows how ancient his soul is,

No one, except me.

How do I know?

I know because his soul and mine reached for each other, through the humanness that would deny his soul’s age. We may separate for a few days, even at times a few weeks. Then one of us will reach out, one of us will call the others name. Because we knew each other then, and we found each other now.

Maybe.

I know, because he understands me, without being told who I am. Even though I have an incessant need to tell him.

I used to say to him, “I see you. Underneath it all, I see you.” He said, “did you ever think that maybe you see me because I choose to reveal myself to you?”

Perhaps.

It could be the reason. Perhaps what I arrogantly thought was my ability to perceive who he really is, was only because he allowed me to look in.

In which case, I am grateful, and honored.

He understands the way it works better than I do, I think. Except perhaps the idea of unconditional love. His humanness finds that concept to be pleasant, but rare.

Mostly I know, because when I catch him unaware of my gaze, I can see the depths of the sea, and of life, in his clear, smiling (usually) blue eyes.

When I ask him, “Do you think we knew each other before? Do you think we agreed as souls to meet up in this lifetime?” He answers, “I don’t know. And we won’t know til this lifetime is over, will we?” And he smiles, usually, laughing at me and my insatiable desire to know what happened before, and what happens after.

I still think he knows….His blue eyes tell me the story, when I get the chance to see them, gazing out to sea, or under the night sky. 

Saturday

musings

Whew! I slept 7 hours, feeling better this morning.

Until I realized that my lawn needs mowing, and my son was off yesterday and could have done it but I didn’t even think to tell him. Of course, he doesn’t think of things like that, on his own, ever. He’s working all weekend, so I guess it’s up to me to get it done.

And of course, I’ve been wasting time, sitting here all morning, perusing the dating site for kicks. Wasting time because there’s no one there, lol, and I’m moving so what would be the point? I guess I just wanted to play “imagine that” because I miss male energy in my life. Pretty pathetic.

And then reading, on my WP reader. Which is way more productive and interesting than a bunch of pictures of men I don’t know, probably half of whom are scammers, lol. I have had so little time to read blogs in the last couple of weeks. Work, write, go to bed. Repeat. That’s been my life. And clean the house.

Which I have to do again today.

It’s a little frustrating to be keeping the house “show ready” and have no showings. And scary. I’ve been on the market a week, and no one’s come to see it. I emailed the realtor, asking if I should be concerned. But then again, I don’t want to sell it quickly and be closing in the middle of June, but need some showings, just to keep my spirits up.

I guess I wrote the Scott stuff out of my systems last night. Today I don’t give a shit. LOL. Good. Glad. Not missing the misery he brings with him everywhere he goes. I was just tired last night. It’s easy to revert to old behaviors and feelings when you’re exhausted.

Haven’t decided if I’m going to my friends bonfire tonight. I can’t drink. Even though my stomach thing seems better this morning, I would not take a chance of drinking and killing off all the bacteria in my stomach again. Plus there is this cold kind of feeling hanging around the edges of my health. Not a cold but it wouldn’t take much to become one. I guess I’ll figure it out when I’m done with the lawn. And cleaning the house. And maybe running to the dump. If I go, I’ll have to make some food to take. So will need to add that to my list.

I think I’ll be tired, again….

Might be better off calling my friend in Florida and catching up with her. Or Montana. Or Iowa. Sitting in my jammies and relaxing.

I can’t wait to be sitting on my deck in Florida (or here for that matter) writing, feeling the warm breezes. Smelling the salt air. And be done with all this stress of buying and selling and moving. Back to just living. Creating. Dreaming the good dream.

In proof-reading this blog, I wonder why I feel compelled to chronicle my life here.  I mean really?  It’s not like anyone needs to know how I will spend my Saturday, lol.  I think it’s just a way of organizing my life, and then making myself accountable, because if I write it here, I feel more of an obligation to actually get done what I say I will.

I guess I should go get dressed, get this day underway. Get a little closer to Florida.  The picture at the top is because I am….still…a hippie, (despite someone saying I was not, because I didn’t “live the life” on his terms) and because sunflowers are my favorite flower.

Love and light.

Wrapping Up The Week

This has been a rough week. I’m so so glad it’s Friday night. I wish I could…..

Could what? Geezus, I’m so tired, I forgot what I was wishing for.

For one thing, I haven’t felt well all week, which is so unusual for me. This intestinal thing is wearing me down I think. I think it’s better today, but still there. The cold hasn’t really materialized, but it hasn’t disappeared either.

For another….we were short handed at work, I mean really short handed. All week. It falls on me, I’ve been there for so long, to deal with it. We weren’t just short in my area, which is admin. We were short 2 engineers, a tech guy, a product manager…..so no one was available for calls but one person, who was continually on the phone, since he was the only one. It was triage all week. The balls we were trying to keep in the air continually were falling on the ground, we’d pick them up, start over again.

Too much stress for me. I have nothing to prove at this point in my life, except how quickly I can get out of there. Lol.

I’ve been struggling all week to get the utilities on in my house in Florida all week, while work was crazy. Because I had to have them on. The insurance requires it. My sister wants to go over next week, and the lights and water need to be working. They are, finally. I got an email from the water today saying it was on. Yesterday the electric was transferred to me.

I picked up my diabetes meds on Wed. Thursday morning I realized they didn’t give me one of them. Apparently it was out of refills, and my dr did not respond to their fax to get more refills. They didn’t send another request. So Thursday I had 3 left of that prescription. I called them today, and they can’t get it refilled till Monday. The pharmacist says, “I don’t think it will hurt you that much to miss it for one day.”

Whatever. I can’t fight it. No energy.

I went to lunch at the cove on the Connecticut River for a breather today. I’m trying to finish A Course in Miracles, while I’m at lunch. All I read was two pages. I kept re-reading them. Trying to understand. I still don’t think I do. Finally I closed the book, put on some meditation music and closed my eyes for about 10 minutes. I’m so lucky I’ve never fallen sound asleep doing that. There are always seagulls around there, by the water, and I always park right next to the water. When I opened my eyes, the seagulls were all just hanging by the water as usual, except one. He was standing alone, about 10 feet from my driver’s door, looking at me as if he knew me. Just staring at me.

Probably thinking, “what the hell is this 65 yr old woman doing parked down here by the water so close to us gulls….” I got my hair cut and highlighted last night, maybe I didn’t look quite my age, lol.

I drove back to work, and felt strangely peaceful.

I’ve been struggling with the Scott thing lately. Wondering why I loved that man so much. Wondering what goes on in a mind like his, to be fucking us both, making us both think we were the only ones in his life, knowing how we both felt about him. (When I saw him in January, he said, “I must have been good, to be doing two women and they both believed they were the only ones.” He didn’t say it like he was bragging, more like, he was ashamed of it. Probably just an act for my benefit.  I bet secretly, he thought he was pretty cool, to get away with it for so long.) And then….adding insult to injury, denying me over and over to her, showing her my writing about our intimacy, sharing that with someone. Things about the most intimate part of our relationship. It hurts, then it’s nauseating. Then it hurts again. Then it makes me sick again. Being already sick, it was not a good thing. I remember when he sent me a naked picture of her in his jacuzzi, and I got angry with him. But not her, nope. She had to tell me. She didn’t get mad at him for showing her something that she obviously should not have seen. Something obviously personal and private. That probably bothers me as much as the fact that he was doing us both. Scumbag. And I loved him. I hope someday, it all just goes in and out of my head, and arouses no emotion at all.

I’m so tired. I sat down on my couch tonight, ate some dinner, and fell asleep at about 7:30. Wishing I had someone’s shoulder to lean on. Someone’s arm to pull me in and let me rest. Trouble is, I can’t find one person that interests me. So, I guess I will have to make do with my pillow. Just, sick of being alone. But don’t want to even allow someone in to put their toe in the door, for fear of another asshole.

I still have some work to do. It seems like I get through one layer, and think I’m done, I’m there, I’m ok now. And I am for a while. But then another layer begins to surface, and has to be dealt with. You know, I’ve only known this man for 2 years, 3Fucking% of my life. He occupies way too much of my sentient mind for the amount of time I spent with him. I think the next layer that comes, I should just rip it out and throw it out. Enough is enough. I suppose that most of the angst comes from the fact that I allowed this. That I didn’t insist that he leave me alone a year ago when he began seeing her and pushing me away. I tried, but not hard enough. Betty told me, in reference to her relationship with him, that “It won’t be over until he says it is.” Why she wanted to give up her power like that I don’t know. I do know that that’s what he thinks, that’s a big part of why he would never let me go. When he tried and I agreed, he’d ask me over. When I tried, he’d disagree, and give me a hair more than he had been to hold on to me, to keep me in.

Now, he stopped communicating, after I sent him a vitriolic email in response to him trying to tell me what to write about, after I found out he’d shown her all my private writing. That was about a month or so ago. I was as angry as the night I found out he’d been with her all summer. Put up the Fuck Off blog that night. He called, a couple weeks ago, and hung up, and refused to talk to me when I called back. I didn’t care, really, if I talked to him. I haven’t tried to call him again. He’d called, I was on the phone and couldn’t answer it. He hung up leaving no message, I called back. What is he? In high school? I have said that so much.

Well writing it out helps. Helps me to see how immature, how ridiculous his behavior is. It is/was sick, I will always be angry that he shared our private stuff with anyone. That he can’t keep his word, that he can deny what clearly was true. But I think I just ripped up this layer and threw it out. Cuz that’s what us bloggers do. We write about it and let it go.

Going to bed. Love and light.

Balancing Love and Trust

trust and love

In a comment to my last post, “To Lay Me Down” my good friend Survived Narc brought up a good point about holding back just a little, until you can trust. Which is really another whole blog, so here goes.

How do we give our all once we’re in love, but still, make sure we can trust before we allow ourselves to fall? That’s the question, for me, the big question.

Brene Brown, in her book Rising Strong, and her talk “The Anatomy of Trust” (http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust) breaks down in plain, clear, logical language how trust is created. I’ve learned so much from her, and I think that I now understand how I was so betrayed by Scott. I trusted him for all the wrong reasons, and thus, allowed myself to love him unbelievably intensely and dangerously.

I don’t know how to balance the two. Trust and love. Him….I felt like I knew him, felt like I loved him before we even met. I assumed he was trustworthy, I assumed it because of all the wrong reasons. Because he told me “secrets” which he swore he’d never told anyone else, but turns out he had. He lied, so much that it boggles my mind, but I believed him. Mostly, because so many of the lies were unnecessary. He didn’t need to tell me that his ex girlfriend was married. It would have made no difference to me why they broke up, or how, or what she did. He just lied. Of course, if he told me that he was waiting for her to come to her senses, and come back to him, it might have stopped me. But after months, neither he nor I thought she was coming back. I foolishly thought he and I had something too, because of the lies he told me. Things like “I said I didn’t want to be in love with you, Deb, but I didn’t say I wasn’t.” “You scare me, because I have a lot of feelings for you, and I don’t want to be in love….” “in my own way, I love you too.”

Well, needless to say, I learned my lesson.

I think that while love and trust are two separate things, they go hand in hand if you want to have a strong healthy relationship. So while I stand by my belief that not holding back in a relationship, if I love someone, maybe I would temper that statement by saying, I would let that love grow much more slowly, in tandem with my trust for the person. Just, not jump in with both feet until, as Brene says, they have filled my marble jar. Filled it without periodically dumping all the marbles out of it.

Loving without trust is walking the edge. My heart is not strong enough for that any more. I want solid ground, which means, I will give my all, but give it appropriately for where the relationship is at the moment. I won’t jump in believing it’s more than it is. But I won’t hold back either. I’ll just stay in the moment, and let both love and trust grow simultaneously.

I guess my thoughts that I am willing to be vulnerable is still valid, because I am. I am willing to say “I love you” first. But if it’s never said back to me, ever, or always qualified, or quantified, then the relationship will stall, not for lack of love but for lack of trust.

I used to say love was a choice, to fall in love was a choice. I never felt like loving Scott was a choice. It just was, it was from the first time we met. I don’t know what that was, why it was. I still believe we have past history, in another life. He used to believe that too, though I’m sure he denies it now. But he used to read me, just like I read him. Even with the limited contact of the last 6 months, I have known every time I have heard from him, that I would hear from him before I did. Even if it’s just to have him call and hang up, leaving no message. Or to leave me a voice mail. But I do know that if I ever feel that love at first sight thing again, a big “Slow Zone” sign will pop up in my head. A big question mark, following the question, “Can you trust him??? I know now that I can love unconditionally, but not let that person in my life unless and until I can trust them.

It’s a balance….to love, to be vulnerable, to trust, to build trust. It’s all a balancing act. Complicated and simple. A conundrum, of the human condition, lol.

To Lay Me Down

I loved a man once,
Without guile,
Without pretense,
With purity, honesty.
Without limit.
I gave everything I had
Free, for the having.
I asked nothing.

I got nothing.
Should I then, have asked?

I guess this is what it’s about, making yourself vulnerable. I never believed in holding back. Once I make up my mind about what I want, I see no purpose in holding back. That seems like a game, to hold back and dole it out a little at a time Making sure that each bit you give is matched. Word for word. Gift for gift. Lustful desire for lustful desire.

I never believed in asking either.  At least, not for love.  If it’s not given freely, I’m not sure it has much value.

Maybe it’s smarter to go tit for tat. Maybe then it’s easier to get back up when you get knocked down. Maybe the blow isn’t quite so hard. Maybe there is a cushion made by the things you didn’t say, or do, or give.

But then, might you not say, for the rest of your life, “What if?” What if you’d wanted to tell him you loved him but didn’t, and it was what he needed to hear, because he didn’t think he was lovable. What if you didn’t give him that sailboat sculpture you knew he’d like, because he didn’t have something equal to give to you? You would have missed the smile on his face, the twinkle in his eyes, the way he explained all about the boat and what each part of it was, and how it was true to scale, and what kind of boat it was. You would have missed all that, because he didn’t have a gift of equal value to give to you. What if, you didn’t tell him you wanted to see him, because you didn’t want to say it first, and found out he needed to be wanted, at that moment, just to go on.

At the end of the day, I need to know I gave it my all, my everything. That there was no stone left unturned, that he had all the facts on the table, and said, no, it’s not what I want. I can deal with that. I can say, I love you, I’ll always love you. But good bye.

Of course…..what I can’t, couldn’t, deal with was all the betrayal. There was no need for it, and it just grates against my nature. To take what was given honestly, purely, unconditionally, and treat it like it was nothing, nothing but a toy to be played with. We could have parted respectfully, and remained friends. But betrayal, after betrayal, continuing for months after we stopped seeing each other. Every word spoken, every act, another betrayal.

But that’s a blog I’ve written about plenty and now wish to let it go. I can’t undo it, and it belies a sickness in him, not in me.

I’m glad, satisfied, happy, and confident that I did the right thing, in making myself fully vulnerable. I will do it again. I will not play a game. If I love someone, I will love him fully, unconditionally, in every way I can. I will not hold back. Ever. The key is….to find someone you can trust with your love. That will be my intention next time. Not to give it away, until I know I can lay me down in the circle of his arms and be safe.

Dang. Stress Can Make You Sick

 

sickI guess the stress has caught up to me. Buying a house, selling a house, getting a house ready to sell. Covering two other desks at work. Worrying about my son moving to CO by himself. Just stressed. This morning, I still have this lower intestinal tract bug, though it’s better, and now I have a sore throat and a headache. My son has had a head cold, I probably got it from him. UGH.

In addition, I keep thinking I need to tell my boss what is going on with me, which is a big stressor.  He hired someone to replace my friend who retired a couple months ago, but this person is too irresponsible for this job.  She is a really nice person, but she misses way too much work. For legitimate reasons usually, but if you miss a day or two of work every couple weeks, it’s just not a good fit. Her desk needs someone there. When she’s not I have to cover it, I get behind. Anyway, if he’s going to replace her, which I’m pretty sure he is, he needs to do it soon, so I can train the replacement, before I have to train my own replacement. No one else knows how to do the job, so it would be up to me to do the training on both that job and my job. I don’t want to be trying to do them both at the same time if my house sells.

More stress.

So, I took my probiotics for my stomach. I took a bunch of immune things he got from his job for the headache sore throat, and I took some zinc, which usually seems to work for me.

I have an appointment for my hair tonight after work. That should make me feel better. 🙂

I don’t want to get really sick. My bff is having a bonfire at her house Saturday night, and lots of my best friends, and I want to go, I don’t want to be sick. She is known for throwing great parties, and this is kind of spur of the moment. She sent out a group text inviting people, there were 22 responses in about 20 minutes. So my goal today is to head this cold off at the pass.

I always read before I go to sleep. It calms my mind. I read until I can’t keep my eyes open. I usually have at least two books going, one fiction, one non-fiction. Last night I was reading the fiction book, which I bought off of Bookbub for 99 cents. It looked pretty good, but it seems a little dark for where I am lately. So I scanned through my kindle and I have a book I just bought, by Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change. I bought it a while ago, and forgot I’d bought it. I started it last night, and it was perfect. Continuing lessons from A Course in Miracles. She is brilliant. With all the change happening in my life, it is the perfect book. I know it will help me to make the changes I am making more easily, and remain true to myself. She, and Brene Brown, and Elizabeth Gilbert are my favorite authors, speakers, thinkers. They just totally get it.

Need to get ready for work. And raise my vibration a little, to manifest my health back into shape.

Love and light all.

Seeing and Knowing

seeing the darkness

In light of my last post, I thought this meme was appropriate.  If you read even just a few of my blogs, you know I believe in forgiveness and the power of unconditional love.  So…I had a little revelation today, just an outgrowth of one I’d already had.  It was not a big deal. I’ve seen his darkness, not just this time but so many times.  He will tell you he loves the darkness.  Well, I have to move on.  So I have to forgive, say a prayer, let the alchemy happen.  I gotta really feel sorry for anyone who consciously chooses the darkness.