This has been a rough week. I’m so so glad it’s Friday night. I wish I could…..
Could what? Geezus, I’m so tired, I forgot what I was wishing for.
For one thing, I haven’t felt well all week, which is so unusual for me. This intestinal thing is wearing me down I think. I think it’s better today, but still there. The cold hasn’t really materialized, but it hasn’t disappeared either.
For another….we were short handed at work, I mean really short handed. All week. It falls on me, I’ve been there for so long, to deal with it. We weren’t just short in my area, which is admin. We were short 2 engineers, a tech guy, a product manager…..so no one was available for calls but one person, who was continually on the phone, since he was the only one. It was triage all week. The balls we were trying to keep in the air continually were falling on the ground, we’d pick them up, start over again.
Too much stress for me. I have nothing to prove at this point in my life, except how quickly I can get out of there. Lol.
I’ve been struggling all week to get the utilities on in my house in Florida all week, while work was crazy. Because I had to have them on. The insurance requires it. My sister wants to go over next week, and the lights and water need to be working. They are, finally. I got an email from the water today saying it was on. Yesterday the electric was transferred to me.
I picked up my diabetes meds on Wed. Thursday morning I realized they didn’t give me one of them. Apparently it was out of refills, and my dr did not respond to their fax to get more refills. They didn’t send another request. So Thursday I had 3 left of that prescription. I called them today, and they can’t get it refilled till Monday. The pharmacist says, “I don’t think it will hurt you that much to miss it for one day.”
Whatever. I can’t fight it. No energy.
I went to lunch at the cove on the Connecticut River for a breather today. I’m trying to finish A Course in Miracles, while I’m at lunch. All I read was two pages. I kept re-reading them. Trying to understand. I still don’t think I do. Finally I closed the book, put on some meditation music and closed my eyes for about 10 minutes. I’m so lucky I’ve never fallen sound asleep doing that. There are always seagulls around there, by the water, and I always park right next to the water. When I opened my eyes, the seagulls were all just hanging by the water as usual, except one. He was standing alone, about 10 feet from my driver’s door, looking at me as if he knew me. Just staring at me.
Probably thinking, “what the hell is this 65 yr old woman doing parked down here by the water so close to us gulls….” I got my hair cut and highlighted last night, maybe I didn’t look quite my age, lol.
I drove back to work, and felt strangely peaceful.
I’ve been struggling with the Scott thing lately. Wondering why I loved that man so much. Wondering what goes on in a mind like his, to be fucking us both, making us both think we were the only ones in his life, knowing how we both felt about him. (When I saw him in January, he said, “I must have been good, to be doing two women and they both believed they were the only ones.” He didn’t say it like he was bragging, more like, he was ashamed of it. Probably just an act for my benefit. I bet secretly, he thought he was pretty cool, to get away with it for so long.) And then….adding insult to injury, denying me over and over to her, showing her my writing about our intimacy, sharing that with someone. Things about the most intimate part of our relationship. It hurts, then it’s nauseating. Then it hurts again. Then it makes me sick again. Being already sick, it was not a good thing. I remember when he sent me a naked picture of her in his jacuzzi, and I got angry with him. But not her, nope. She had to tell me. She didn’t get mad at him for showing her something that she obviously should not have seen. Something obviously personal and private. That probably bothers me as much as the fact that he was doing us both. Scumbag. And I loved him. I hope someday, it all just goes in and out of my head, and arouses no emotion at all.
I’m so tired. I sat down on my couch tonight, ate some dinner, and fell asleep at about 7:30. Wishing I had someone’s shoulder to lean on. Someone’s arm to pull me in and let me rest. Trouble is, I can’t find one person that interests me. So, I guess I will have to make do with my pillow. Just, sick of being alone. But don’t want to even allow someone in to put their toe in the door, for fear of another asshole.
I still have some work to do. It seems like I get through one layer, and think I’m done, I’m there, I’m ok now. And I am for a while. But then another layer begins to surface, and has to be dealt with. You know, I’ve only known this man for 2 years, 3Fucking% of my life. He occupies way too much of my sentient mind for the amount of time I spent with him. I think the next layer that comes, I should just rip it out and throw it out. Enough is enough. I suppose that most of the angst comes from the fact that I allowed this. That I didn’t insist that he leave me alone a year ago when he began seeing her and pushing me away. I tried, but not hard enough. Betty told me, in reference to her relationship with him, that “It won’t be over until he says it is.” Why she wanted to give up her power like that I don’t know. I do know that that’s what he thinks, that’s a big part of why he would never let me go. When he tried and I agreed, he’d ask me over. When I tried, he’d disagree, and give me a hair more than he had been to hold on to me, to keep me in.
Now, he stopped communicating, after I sent him a vitriolic email in response to him trying to tell me what to write about, after I found out he’d shown her all my private writing. That was about a month or so ago. I was as angry as the night I found out he’d been with her all summer. Put up the Fuck Off blog that night. He called, a couple weeks ago, and hung up, and refused to talk to me when I called back. I didn’t care, really, if I talked to him. I haven’t tried to call him again. He’d called, I was on the phone and couldn’t answer it. He hung up leaving no message, I called back. What is he? In high school? I have said that so much.
Well writing it out helps. Helps me to see how immature, how ridiculous his behavior is. It is/was sick, I will always be angry that he shared our private stuff with anyone. That he can’t keep his word, that he can deny what clearly was true. But I think I just ripped up this layer and threw it out. Cuz that’s what us bloggers do. We write about it and let it go.
Going to bed. Love and light.