Benediction for S

I’m tired tonight.  Been working like a dog on stuff at home.  Went to a friends house for the afternoon, and talked and laughed.  At the end of the day, when I’m this tired…these thoughts come into my head.  So….I put them here, to put them out of my heart and into the universe, to atone as it sees fit.  I miss him still, sometimes……til I remember.  And then I have to let go a little more.  So here it is, a benediction, an ending, a wrapping up.  Maybe it will be enough.

Benediction for S

And so, where did you go?
To the chapel, to pray?
The chapel by the water
That was your home for so long?
And mine….I know those waters
Like I knew the way to your house.

Did you think about the heart you crushed,
the hearts?
I wonder which one cried more
Mine or hers?
You never even asked me if I was ok.
You didn’t care.
You cut another little piece of my heart out,
Just like Janis Joplin says.
You never even looked back to see if I got up,
If I lived or died.

Maybe it was your heart that cried the most.

Every once in awhile I wonder
If you’re okay
If you’re drinking too much
Smoking too much
If you stayed quit as you were when you disappeared.
If the full moon made you cry,
If the mimosa tree is blooming.
If you miss nights on the deck talking
Laughing
Loving.
If you miss me, at all.

I just wonder, sometimes.

Then I remember
Your coldness
Your disregard and disrespect
of what we had.
I remember how you belittled and berated
Something that was wonderful between us,
To her,
To quell her jealousy.
To make her feel more important than me.
Even though, she couldn’t.
Or wouldn’t.
And I could. And I did.
The jealousy ran deep with her.
But not the love.
Even if she does now,
Her motivation was jealousy of me
Not love of you.

You thought jealousy was love.
Your mistake.
Not mine.

I remember all of this.
And it makes me sad
And it makes me hurt
All over again.

So I stop.
I just stop
wondering anything about you.
If a thought of you makes it through the firewall
That I’ve built
I just say NO…..You’re not welcome here.
Same reason I can’t talk to you.
Because it always comes back to pain.
It always comes back to choices made
By you
That hurt someone.

Usually me.
I was expendable.

In the end, I think, maybe
You hurt yourself the most.

Maybe she’s forgiven you,
I know I have.
Sadly,
It was the best you can do.
But she can never trust you
Not to hurt her.
Never…
Whether or not
It was the best you could do.

If she’s with you,
she’ll leave you over and over
Because she can’t trust you with her heart.

Like I said, in the end,
No matter how things are at the moment
You hurt yourself the most.

I’m going…..
You could have come with me, once upon a time.
But now
No.
I go alone.
A new start, a place to heal.
A place to forget you.
A place to find someone
I can trust
With my heart.
I know, you know,
I can take care of his heart.

I wish you peace.
I doubt that you will ever find it.

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Dreaming of Avalon (Florida)

avalon

(Note:  Avalon, the mythical place where King Arthur was supposedly buried, known as a place of healing and of new beginnings.  When I think of Florida, I think of these things. I’m going to have my sister or my friend paint me a plaque to put by my door that says “Welcome to Avalon”.  )

Had a nice long FB convo with my friend in Florida this morning. God, I can’t wait to be there. She’s going to brunch at the place we went when I was there. Outdoors, music…good food, all vegetarian. That will be my life.

She was telling me about a good friend of hers, a guy. Who is finalizing his divorce, she thinks he’s perfect for me. She said he’s “good looking, kind, generous, not into game playing, has enough money to take care of himself.” I told her to tell him to wait for me. He will be at her brunch this morning.

We were mostly joking, but she tells me how she meets people all the time, just hangs out. She said there are so many nice, good-looking men….She said some amazing musicians. She said, get your house sold and run down here! LOL. .

I’m trying, I’m trying.

She’s gonna try to deal with my ants too today. She’s such a good friend. We have been friends since we were 12 or 13. It’s so cool to have these old friends in my life. We know who we are, and how we grew up, there is never any pretense. We just fall into the honest old ways that made us friends in the first place.

Gonna finish the deck today if I can, because it’s gonna rain tomorrow. And also going to my bff’s for awhile. Hope I get it all done.

Dreaming of Florida today. I guess that’s good, that’s how we manifest, to dream of it exactly the way we want it.

Love and light, all.

Saturday

PHEW. I made it through the day….

No, S did not show up here unannounced, just thought I’d clarify that at the beginning, lol. In fact, tonight I have my doubts that he even reads this blog any longer. The gongs, the gongs always set me straight. I don’t know anything for a fact, and I, at least for tonight, don’t give a shit.

After I stopped writing like an obsessed madwoman this morning, I did a couple things around the house, and then headed out to paint the deck. It was about 11. It was about 90°. I painted for an hour. Beads of sweat pouring into my eyes. The deck is on the backside of my house, southern exposure, no protection from the sun. I got a huge glass of water, and sat at the table on the deck, with the umbrella opened up, and drank it. I could feel my heart just pounding.

I went inside, where I had the air conditioning on, reluctantly, because it’s so expensive to run, but it was a lovely 75° in there. I sat down, I could still feel my heart pounding, so I checked my heartrate on that app that’s on the phone. It was 91. Seemed a little high, but I’d been working and only stopped for about 10 minutes. I checked it a couple more times, it was still high. It was slightly worrisome to me, because when I went to the dr yesterday my blood pressure was pretty high for me. Normally, my bp is low.

Anyway, I decided that it would be too hot to paint until the sun went to the other side of the house, around 3. So I showered, and then checked my heartrate again, and it was still 91. Then I decided to do a nice long meditation. Still 91. I went to the store.

At the store I ran into my old next door neighbor and talked for about a half hour in front of the paper towels. I don’t know how the women in this town would keep up with each other if we didn’t have the grocery store! LOL.

Anyway, when I got home I felt relaxed. Checked it again, it was down to 78. Finally. It’s normally 72 when I’m at rest.

So by then it was 3:30, time to start painting again. Which I did, .in the shade now. I got the railings all painted by 6 pm. That was enough for today!.

When I came in I was starving, so made myself nice dinner. A kale salad from my mini-garden on the deck, with strawberries and goat cheese. A bratwurst and a piece of quiche. It was really the only meal I had all day. It really tasted good. I had washed my hands for about 20 minutes to get all the paint off, but as I was eating I realized how much paint I had on my arms and legs, lol. Back to the shower after dinner.

Then I went to my spare bedroom, to get a summer nightgown because I haven’t switched my clothes around. Last week I was still in fleece jammies, and this week summer nightgowns. I had closed the door to the spare bedroom, to keep from having to air condition it. So I go to open the door and it was locked!!!! Yikes!!! I had no idea how to unlock it. Who the hell would have locked it? One of the people looking at the house? Maybe my friend locked it last weekend when she stayed in that room.

Anyway there was a little tiny hole in the doorknob. I went and got a nail, thank God I had one, and stuck it in the hole, and eventually managed to get it unlocked.

Enough for today, lol. I sat down here and started writing, and watching my favorite show Outlander. Such a great show.

My friend texted me from Florida, she’s going to go check on my house tomorrow. And take care of the ants.

Blessed, just blessed. Overall, life is unfolding as it should. Ants, locked bedroom doors and all.

Love and light, all

Haiku No. 26 (a story): Strands

cobwebs

Cobweb strands connect
The furniture on my deck.
Reminding my heart

There are ancient cords
Tying me to places past
And people I loved.

Cobweb strands can break
With the slightest sweep of hand.
The cords are stronger.

Some can’t be broken
I’ve come to learn the hard way,
Only ease their grip.

All is energy
A blade of grass to heartbeats
All the cosmic dance.

So dance to the music
Of the cosmos, listen close
Find joy in the song.