At Least I Can

Had an odd kind of day.

On the way to work, I thought once again about the things that I wrote for him, that he and she say she never saw, but she knew a lot about them. She said he talked about them, all the time. Enough so she felt like she’d seen them. I felt that ball in the pit of my stomach. The lump in my throat. My eyes moist as I held back tears.

He had asked me, when we talked 10 days ago, why he would show them to her. To make her jealous, I said. He, and later she, said he didn’t show her=. But he told her. What’s the difference? He told her what I wrote, that was personal, written in different times, just for him, for no one but him.  Things that came from the deep, intimate place in my soul that he owned at that time.  He told her enough that she knew details. She said she was sorry she told me that she’d seen them. I’m sorry that he told her they existed. I’m sorry that he treated them so callously. That he treated me, and what we had, so callously.

I’m sorry that he has so little to offer, or believes he has so little, that he has to use what I gave him from my heart and soul to try to draw her to him, probably trying to make her believe that if she didn’t want him, I would.

In the next breath he was asking to come here, and spend the night. Just to prove it to her, I suppose.

I said no. Then I told her he asked. Because I wanted her to know who he was. That what he tells her is a lie. It’s the best he can do, but it’s a lie.

He breaks my heart. Then I watch. He breaks hers. And in the end, his is broken most of all as he sits alone. At least, then, 10 days ago, he sat alone

I’ve not heard from him, not since I said, “I do love you. I do forgive you. A LONG time ago. Even she doesn’t understand how I can. But no, you are not welcome here. No I don’t want to see you. It’s easier to miss you than to see you. You came here last time she left you. I got burned. The scars are still healing. That won’t happen again.”

Maybe she’s forgiven him, again. Maybe she’s trying to forget what he did to her. I can’t, forget what he did to me. I can forgive him. I can’t forget. I can’t forget, because he keeps repeating it. Over and over again. I’m tired of it. Tired of saying no.. no.. no. You cannot hurt me again. I don’t invite you into my life again..

I wish he’d believe in himself, instead of sucking his self-esteem from the people who adored him.

I got over it, today. I had this moment, and got through it. It didn’t last long. About as long as it took to write this.

I talked to my son. I had a showing on my house. It wasn’t the right buyer but it was a good showing. Good feedback. Then I had my hair done tonight. I’m really happy with it. I turned off my AC and opened the windows. There’s a nice breeze blowing in through the windows. My flowers on the deck, and the grass, got some rain today. I had a good day at work. I had an email from a good friend.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot to be happy about. I believe he did the best he could. I also know I want some one who can do better.

And, at least I can. At least I CAN love that much. At least I can. I’m happy about that.

Love and light.

Showing the House

I have a showing on my house tomorrow. I worked til 7, then came home and went over my floors again. I took down my family pictures this morning. Everyone said, yes you have to do that. People can’t visualize their families in the house with your family pictures up. Then, I got my white sage smudge stick, and smudged the whole house, asking all the spirits that might be with me, to help the people who see the house tomorrow to envision happy times, babies in cribs, and children playing, making love in the bedroom, happy holidays. Then I put on my diffuser, and put two essential oils in it, Highest Potential by Young Living, and Uplift which my son got for me where he works. I have it running in my kitchen/eating area which runs into my family room. Tomorrow I’ll run it upstairs.

Not sure I can do anything else energetically to create the energetic atmosphere I want when people view the house.

I want to sell this house so bad. No matter how I try, there are so many things that linger, that I just don’t want to be reminded of.

Like my deck. I think of it as my sacred space. But there is so much of him out there with me. I let him into it, we spent hours there, I thought together, I thought just us. Talking quietly, intimately. Star gazing. He showed me my first moon dogs. We saw shooting stars in the August meteor shower. Maybe it was just us for awhile, but maybe it was just a game he played with me. When it goes bad, it all goes bad. I don’t know what was real and what was him fucking with my head, my heart. I need a new space. Where he never was. Where no one will join me who would do that to me.

I don’t want him there, I’m not saying I do. Just saying, that there are reminders all over the place of how I loved someone who could do what he did to me. And I need to forget, not be reminded.

The deck is only one space. There are many. And that’s only here.

Every day I drive by the lake in the center of town. The lake that was my backyard for 30 years. The lake that I first took my son swimming in. Where I used to shovel hockey rinks for my son, where he really learned to skate. I can look across it and see the house, that should have been the beautiful home of my exquisite family, but instead became a house of misery.

I need a new view, I need a new space. I love this house, my son and I have been happy here. Really happy. But it’s time to go. Just time.

I had this plan, to move, in place before I met him. I never deviated. I never said, Maybe I won’t go. Did I know? Did I, deep in my soul, know what our outcome would be? I can’t answer. But I know there is happiness there, waiting. I know that I will breathe in that warm sultry tropical air and I’ll find peace. I know there are good things waiting there. My house is an 11. I closed on it on my birthday. My 65th birthday, which also makes it an 11. New beginnings. Energy portals. Time to heal. Time to be fully myself. Time to find someone who wants to be part of that life, large or small. Time will tell.

So, if you pray….say a prayer for me to sell this house soon. If you don’t….then think positive thoughts for me.

Thank you…all of you.

Love and light, all….