Just Wondering, WTF Was I Thinking?

wtf

I guess that phantom phone call got me thinking, about WTF I was thinking for so long….

It seems long ago now, suddenly. How much I loved a man, and how much I was betrayed. What strikes me this morning is I am trying to fathom what I was thinking, then. To love someone so much who will never love anyone but themselves. And that, only superficially.

I say superficially because this man doesn’t love himself enough to behave in ways that make him proud. He doesn’t love himself enough to take care of himself. He doesn’t do the things in a relationship that take care of it. He only makes sure he is getting his needs met, which translates to getting his ego fed. If he meets the needs of the other person, it is as part of trying to get his needs met, it’s not out of genuine care and concern. And I think that’s true across the board for him. I think he may use different ploys for different people, but it remains the truth. I’ve watched him.  I’ve also watched him pursue behaviors that result in reinforcing his low self esteem, setting himself up so he can say, “see, it’s all I deserve.  I’m a bad person.”

So anyway, I’m just wondering now, with all this time passed, WTF I was thinking? I’m not angry, I don’t dislike him. I have said over and over I will always love him, and, well, I guess I will. But I love everyone, or try to. Him no more or less than anyone else at the moment. But what I was thinking? IDK, do you think when you’re in love? He had lots of lovable qualities, I guess. The first being that he could make me laugh. He was funny, creative, smart. We had a wonderful physical connection. But he was completely self absorbed. When push came to shove it was always him first. He treated me so badly at times, and I just kept coming back for more, believing that he just needed experience unconditional love.

I guess the distance between us now, the physical distance has given me some perspective. I guess that move has enabled me to meet men who are funny, creative, smart, AND kind, gentle, loving, and generous. Men who try to take care of themselves and their loved ones. Men who squeeze your hand when they’re happy, sitting at a table with you. Men who behave in ways that will keep drama out of their lives, and people in.

Since I believe that our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls, I guess he was another life lesson for me. Now, far enough away from it, the complete lesson is coming into focus. At least part of it is, I think, to know that I can love that passionately, that fiercely, that deeply. That’s a good thing to know. He was practice. I’m sure there’s a man here who can match my ability to love, and celebrate it.

I suppose, based on the phantom phone call dream, that the connection we have had will remain, but will probably remain dormant. It originates on a level I can’t really comprehend, and will most likely always be there, but will not take over my life anymore. Life is for living in the present moment. His journey is his now, and mine is mine, and the paths have diverged far apart. That’s the present moment.

Glad to be moved on from all that. Stomach bug and car accident not withstanding, I’m very happy with the move I’ve made. It was 85 yesterday and I was at the beach. Not dressed in multiple layers and still shivering, lamenting the fact that I was burning up a ton of fuel oil. Yep, life is good, and exactly what I’ve dreamed of.

Love and light, all.

A Day on the Island

I woke this morning feeling better. Not great, but better. I talked to my sister over on the island, and she suggested I come over, and maybe we could go to the beach for awhile, and just hang out. We haven’t spent any time together since she got here, so I happily went, laundry basket in hand.

It was just so nice to hang out. Not to be on vacation, but just to be living our lives and spend the day together. To get to my sisters, I have to drive by the assisted living facility my mother lived in on the Manatee River. Every time I go by there I think how happy she was there, how independent she still was. I smiled today and said, “I know you are happy that my sister and I are going to be together today.”

This is the first year that my sister hasn’t been taking care of my mom down here, and I think that while she’s enjoying the freedom, she also misses my mother so much. She even said if I wasn’t here she wasn’t sure she wanted to come. I am so happy to be here to help her find her way back to her own life. She’s painting again, and I’m so happy about that. She is very talented, but stopped completely for almost 2 years.

I felt better with her than I’ve felt all week.. We went up to the beach (2 blocks away) for a an hour or so. We swam in her pool. We talked and talked…..the way only family can. I stayed for dinner, and ate the first solid dinner I’ve had in days. I hope it settles, but it should. A piece of grilled salmon and some rice. I came home and had a small bowl of chicken broth, just to try to make sure the food settled in.

We made some tentative plans for the coming week. She also has plans of her own, and so do I. I told her about the place I go to for open mic, and group of people I’ve started hanging out with. She’s so funny, she told me I can’t have a boyfriend til she gives him approval, lol. Probably not a bad idea…..

Was just a perfect day. Exactly what I needed. Feeling gratitude to have the family I have.

Love and light

Phantom Phone Call

I’ve had a few dreams over the last couple years, always about the same person, that seemed so real that when I woke, I was sure it wasn’t a dream.  I’ve been trying to find a name for that on Google, the best I can do is Astral Travel.  Who knows?  Maybe.  Astral travel is about souls traveling, I’ve always been sure there was some old soul connection between us.

Last night at 3 AM, I was awakened out of a deep, sound sleep by his ringer on my phone. WTF. I haven’t talked to him in ages, and have no desire to. I was so dead asleep, I didn’t even wake up til the phone was in my hand, with of course, no call, no missed call, no nothing, which was good. But I could still hear the echo of the damn phone ringing.

The last time I had one of those dreams, I heard him come into my house through the slider on the deck, and come up the stairs.  I remember waking up, thinking he was there because I could still smell him in the room. I can still hear that sound, just like I can still hear my phone ringing.

Phantom calls in the middle of the night. Sheesh. I went back to sleep, thankfully.

I think I need to ask the powers that be to please keep him out of my dreams. He’s not welcome. I have such a nice life here, so relaxed and laid back, who needs that kind of drama, even in their sleep?

Weather is once again beautiful. Every day the same. 85 and sunny. I can take it, lol. I’m tough.

Love and light.

In and Out

I’ve been in and out of so many things in my life. How do I pick one to write about? Oh, it’s stream of consciousness, I don’t have to pick!

Court….I was in and out of family court so many times I couldn’t even hazard a guess how many times. Enough that the bailiff knew me. Enough that another attorney asked me my attorney’s schedule that week. When I said I didn’t know, he (or she, can’t remember now) asked me “Aren’t you her assistant?” No….I’m just a client. Probably paid her assistants salary that year. Well, I didn’t, not exactly. My ex did, as in the end, the judge disliked him enough not to take the money he advanced my attorney out of my settlement.

Enough so that when I ran into close friends who were getting divorced without an attorney, I was able to enlighten them as to the way the family court worked, and send them to get help with the paperwork.

That’s being wayyyyy too familiar with the court for a lay person.

Before that, I was in and out of my marriage. I say that because I tried to leave him twice before I was actually successful. I have actually read that the average number of times it takes to leave an abusive marriage is 7. So I was ok with 3. Each time was a learning experience. Emotions, mine and his, that I had not anticipated, showed up each time. Each time I was unsuccessful, I was more prepared the next time.

And a love relationship. In and out. One man. In and out. I called it push/pull, because it more aptly describes the roller coaster he set me on, even long after we were officially over. There were times my arms felt almost out of their sockets with the amount of push pull. I would say maybe he was in and out, in and out. It was intensely amazing, or intensely horrible. I don’t think we should have to balance every happy moment in a relationship, with crappy ones. Happily I am out now, so is he. He’s free to make some one else miserable half the time. I am free to find some one who doesn’t need to do that to make himself feel good. Fuck the push pull. Fuck the roller coaster. Fuck in and out in a relationship.

Next time, I’ll find someone who wants to jump in. And stay there. Happily I’m in a place now where there are certainly possibilities.

Doctors offices. Geez. I have been in and out of the doctors office more in the 5 weeks I’ve been here than I am normally in 5 years. Hopefully that will all smooth itself out and return to normal soon.

I am in and out of my house here a lot. Looking for things for the house. Going out with friends. Usually getting in and out of the house includes getting in and out of my new car. Which surprises everyone with it’s amazing head and legroom, since it is such a tiny car. I’m not in and out of gas stations as much, partly because I am retired now. But also 40 mpg helps. And when I did fill it, the only time I have filled it, it had about 1/8 of a tank left, and took 8 ½ gallons. Nice.

I guess we are all in and out of things our whole lives. I’d like to learn to choose the door I want to go in and just proceed. Not go in and out of it 100 times. At least, not on my overall life’s journey. I can’t stand indecision. I push myself, and those I’m involved with to be definite, to figure out what they want and let me know. I’ve been known to ask the question no one wants to hear, just to get unstuck. Like they say, you don’t always hear what you want to, but you do usually hear what you need. There’s a lot of freedom in the truth. I’m an Aries, known for our independence, and for moving things along. Anything from a trip to the store, to a love affair, to ending one.

To a blog ending. Love and light, all.

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This post is part of the Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS) writing prompt from Linda G. Hill.  If you are interested and would like more details, please visit her site at https://lindaghill.com/2016/10/28/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-2916/

Halloween Dog Treats? Really?

Call me a Halloween grinch. I am watching the Today show. I don’t normally watch TV in the morning or daytime, at all, but I’m still nursing this bug….

Anyway, they were having what I thought was a segment on making Special Halloween treats for your Halloween party this weekend. I missed most of the segment, because I wasn’t paying attention. I was walking around the house, and also trying to get comfortable on the couch because not going to therapy all week for my back and neck, combined with this bug has given me some uncomfortable issues this morning, that while not disabling, are irritating me. (The good news was that I slept through the night, first time all week, so things are on an upswing.)

I started watching and they had this tray full of little cannolis, that they were decorating for Halloween. Cute, I thought, but a lot of work for even an adult Halloween Party. But you know, some people get into that. Maybe they have a short cut to the pastry? They also had a tray of what looked to be small Halloween colored moon pies. I thought, ok, those are nice for your party. After all, a lot of Halloween parties will be tonight, the Saturday before Halloween.

But what they were making was DOG TREATS that looked like cannolis, and colorful moon pies. And decorated them all up for Halloween. In case “you want to spoil your dog a little bit.”

Please tell me. PLEASE. Would a dog know or fucking care if you took his dog treat, cut it like a canoli, painted it with frosting, and said, Oh look what I did for you?  Would that really be a way to spoil your dog?  Do you think they’d get the message?   I mean, even a 2 year old might appreciate the effort slightly, and even if they didn’t you’d have a good picture to torture them with in 15 years.  BUT A DOG?

If you hand a dog a dog treat that took you 5 or 10 minutes to make cute and Halloweenie stop first and say, “OH WAIT! (RUFF RUFF). I WANT TO SHOW MAX NEXT DOOR WHAT YOU DID FOR ME!!” Will the dog exclaim,  “(RUFF!!) OH MOM! THIS (RUFF) IS MY FAVORITE DOG TREAT EVER!” Is the dog going to savor it, panting and drooling on the floor, lick the frosting off first, put it in his bowl and roll it around with his tongue so he can admire your work in detail, exclaiming his joy that you thought to do this for him?

NO NO NO!!!! He’s going to do the requisite number of barks to say please, and then he’s going to snarf that sucker into his mouth and swallow it in 3 seconds flat.

And then lick all the crumbs off the floor.  Along with anything else that’s on the floor.

Will he then thank you for you effort? Will he say, Oh give me an orange one next? Will he want another? YES, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT DOGS DO. If the dog treat looked like a turd, he would eat it just as quickly, with just as much excitement, and with just as much gratitude.

Honest to God, I’m all for cute things for our kids, or even other people’s kids. Or my friends.  But to spend an hour decorating dog treats to show them how much I love them? THEY WON’T GET THE MESSAGE FROM A CANNOLI-SHAPED AN DECORATED DOG TREAT. And if you think that they might, I think that you have some issues.

Ok, Rant over. I apologize if I offended anyone.

 

Note:  I searched their website but the segment is too new to be up there yet.  If I can find a picture there later, I will post it, and you can decide for yourself