Singing the Song for 2017

It’s New Year’s Eve. Time to reflect, to look forward, to enjoy the moment.

Reflecting….. Last year was a year of huge change for me. Never before have I had so many big changes in my life. Losing my mother. Retiring from a lifetime of work. Moving to Florida, to a completely different way of life. Moving my son away from me to Colorado. Ending a love affair that stopped bringing me pleasure a long time ago, and only brought me pain. And even so, it was a struggle to let go. But let go I finally have, completely.

All these changes were good. Every one of them. Even though I miss my son so much. I know he’s doing well, and happy, and making his own way. Thank God for cell phones, we talk every day. There are new people in my life, new friends, the budding of new relationships that bring a smile to my face.

I don’t deal with winter any more. That is such a blessing to me. I so hated being cold from the middle of October until the middle of April. Dressing in 4 or 5 layers, and still being cold. I hated dealing with snow, and the last few years we had mega amounts of snow up there, with only a few exceptional years. I hated driving in it, keeping the driveway clear and the walk ways, and being housebound.

Now…..when it gets cold here, it’s in the 50’s. And so far, for not more than 2 days, til the temperature creeps back up to the 70’s or 80’s. I can walk every day along the beach. I can see the ocean every day. The water here on the Gulf coast is warm, and calm, and soothing. Usually I am dressed in one layer, and more often than not, it’s shorts, or skorts (the skirts with shorts under them).

To be able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis is such a blessing. We are becoming so close. It has eased the pain of losing our mother last year. We joke all the time about how we channel her for each other. She and I have not lived close to one another since we moved out of the house around age 20. I’m going back there today, invited to her neighbor’s New Year’s Eve party which promises to be a blast, and it’s right across the street!. No driving with the drunks….

The future is looking bright. There is a possibility of a budding relationship. It is moving slowly, at a speed which, while sometimes frustrating for me, is a good thing really. I’m sitting back and let the universe drive the train. It’s fun to feel that way again, and actually have it reciprocated.

Financially I feel secure. Avalon, my home, my place of new beginnings, is coming along. All the big work is now completed. There are some jobs like tree-trimming, putting up a shed, landscaping that need to be done, but they will be done over the next few months.

Mostly, I have given up worry over things I cannot control. I have come to believe that the Universe has a grand design, which we cannot possibly understand in human terms, and that all will work out for the highest good of all. It’s not so much Pollyanna, it’s just that I agree with Marianne Williamson that the universe is self-organizing and self-correcting. It has been the way it’s worked for me, over and over again. I know that many people won’t agree with me, in fact, maybe most. It’s just the way it is from the perspective of my life. Not asking anyone else to believe it.

This year, I think I will try to do more giving back. There are a few things I’ve discovered here which I can get involved with that might make a difference in someone else’s life. I mean, I have such a happy life here. So free of drama and pain, so full of joy. I want to spread that around as much as I can.

Life is for living, for singing a joyful song. I’ve always known that, even though I’ve had a hard time singing so often. Through an abusive marriage, a failed love affair, a long period of terrible financial insecurity, I still always believed I could one day sing the song again.

I’m singing it now. It’s in my head, lol, I still don’t sing in front of people. But those close to me can hear the song. I guess this is why I trust that the universe is on it, organizing and correcting for the higher benefit of all. Because it’s taken me from terrible darkness, to the sunlight of Florida.

Love and light, everyone. Have a Happy New Year!

Flashback

A blast from the past. I don’t watch much TV. I turn it on in the evening, and often pay no attention to it. It’s just for the noise.

Tonight I’m watching the news, which is something even more rare than watching at all. I hate the news. At least, network news. But tonight there was a story about the CT Supreme Court reversing the decision on Michael Skakel and sending him back to prison for the murder of Martha Moxley. They showed the Supreme Court Room, and boy, did that bring me back to some difficult, yet triumphant memories.

December 2, 2010, exactly 2 years after the first day of our trial in Superior Court. More than 3 1/2 years since I had left my ex.  2 years since my son had come to live with me.  I remember sitting as a spectator, because that’s where the actual parties to the cases sit, in that auspicious room. The pomp and circumstance was palpable. Classrooms of students from local colleges filed in to watch the proceedings. The officer in charge of the courtroom gives all of us instructions. There was not an empty seat. Classrooms have to book it way ahead of time. The Supreme Court hears 2 cases a day. I had been waiting for 2 years to be heard. Two years from the 3 day trial my ex and I had, as he attempted to make sure I got less than 10% of the estate from a 32 year marriage. He lost that first Superior Court decision. He appealed, and then requested to have the appeal raised from the Appellate Court to the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, every asset from our 32 year marriage, every dime, was in his possession.  I had a paycheck.  That was it.  (And just for added stress, my son was in a bad car accident 4 days before, broke his ankle, totaled 2 cars.  Of course the man with all the money did not contribute one cent to the deductible for his health insurance, or on a replacement car.)

7 chairs at the bench in the front. Like 7 thrones. The people who sat there would decide my future. I hoped they were just, I hoped they could see the truth about what had been done to me. Each atty gets a certain amount of time to make their case. My son’s GAL (guardian ad litum) sat with my attorney, to help her if needed. Because, he got it. It took him awhile, but he finally got it, and for the last year, and during our initial trial sat on my side. When my atty made her case, she didn’t even need all the time allotted. The judge in our Superior Court decision could see my ex coming 100 miles away, and did a ton of research for us, since there was no law regarding our issue. He wrote 7 pages, citing cases in other states. It was all in our brief, not much needed to be said. The point was that for him to prevail would have done a grave injustice, I think is what it said.

The justices argued with my ex’s atty. Not mine at all. They had some questions, but not many. They had a lot of questions of my ex’s and some actually argued with him, telling him that what the judge did, he was supposed to do.

In the end, I won. The decision was released April 18, 1 day before my 60th birthday. I had been secretly asking the Universe to give me the decision for a birthday present. Really.

They called my ex “unconscionable” 9 times in their lengthy decision. Unanimously.

And, my case made case law in CT. No one will ever be able to do to their spouse what he tried to do to me again. That makes me proud, really. And really, eases some of the pain of waiting 4 years to finally be free of that man.

A couple of years later, a Yale 1st year law student contacted my atty. His first assignment of the year in contract law had been to write a brief on my case, and could he come and see her for about an hour, and see some of the files. Imagine that. My case, my 4 year struggle ended up being a case which Yale University used to teach contract law.

I could go on, about how my life changed that 60th birthday. How I went house hunting, and bought my dream house, and later segued that house into this lovely life I now have in Florida. How I didn’t even consider having a date until I was moved into my new house. I hadn’t wanted to embroil anyone else in that mess. I learned that avoidance of something doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. I fell in love with someone who devastated me emotionally as badly, if not worse, than my ex did as he tried to separate my son from me, and hurt me financially. What my ex never did to me, my first love after divorce did. No need to expound on that. It’s all in the pages of this blog. I’m pretty cautious now.

Funny what just a flash of one picture can bring back.

Love and light everyone.

Sleepless in Florida

I ended my 4 or 5 night streak of good sleep last night. My son began texting me at 11:30 last night that his car’s valve cover gasket is leaking. His service engine light had just come on. It will cost $500 to fix.

11:30 is way past my bedtime, I was in bed, and falling asleep. I was up kinda late, because I went to open mic, and then came home and wrote for awhile to unwind. After texting back and forth for awhile, I told him to call me this morning and we’ll talk about it. I went back to sleep for 2 more hours, and then woke up and was wide awake. So, I do what many of us do, I got up, got on the computer and wrote some more, to empty my head. Then at 3:30 went back to bed, took a half an Ambien and fell asleep til 8. Or so.

Now my sleep schedule will be messed up. But really, does it matter, LOL. I’m retired. I don’t have to be anywhere at any time, except at the doctor today at 1:30 for a therapy treatment. Which is a back massage……

Had a good time last night at open mic, as always. Both of my good friends who go with me were sick, so I went alone, but knew I could hang out with my other friends. My friend P welcomed me with a hug, and walked me to my car at the end of the night. What a good guy.

A man I’ve been messaging with has expressed a wish to go to open mic with me. He plays guitar and sings and also is a boater/sport fisherman. He said he could play a Buffett song. That crowd would love Buffett. So who knows, maybe. I like him a lot. He’s a sweet man, so far.

I splurged and bought myself a leaf blower that also vacuums leaves to deal with the leaves from the banyan tree, which perpetually are falling off. Much easier to blow them than to try to rake them. I also bought a push broom and a rake. Push broom is to allow me to scrub my deck.

I guess it’s time to take the Christmas tree down. I am usually anxious by about this time, to get the house back to normal. Even though, my house has not been “normal” really. I wish I had everything in it’s place but I still don’t. I need to though. My friends from high school will be here in 2 weeks, and I need it better organized than what it is now, since they are all staying here one night as we try to recreate our high school days. But, it will be the night of open mic, so we won’t be hanging here all night, which is something I’m glad about.

It’s cool here this morning, 51 when I woke up. The house was cool. But the sun is out brightly though the high will only be 61. I love living in a place where “cold” is 60. LOL. It’s been snowing up north in my old home. Not missing it at all.

Love and light everyone.

Life Is An Amazing Adventure

I wrote a blog, and when I pasted it from word and looked at it, I thought, who cares?  Who cares that you went to open mic again, and had a wonderful evening, and that it’s getting cooler and may not go above 60 tomorrow?  It’s all so mundane.

I mean, I’m happy.  I’ve never been so consistently happy in my life.  I’m content.  I’ve left the drama behind me, I have the foundation laid for a lovely life here.  My friend who took the walk with me the other day walked me to my car tonight, we remarked what a small world it is, both of us kind of running into people we knew long ago.  The boyfriend of my bff in Iowa texted me that he was coming tonight, and he sat with us, though he left early, he has a longer drive because he doesn’t live in Gulfport.  I think he feels safe with me, knowing my bff won’t get jealous of him hanging with me because she knows I have no designs on him, nor would I even if they weren’t together.  Totally not my type.   Then someone my walking friend, I’ll call him P, ran into someone who got him started singing karaoke.  I also told him about meeting my jr. high school home ec teacher….

Really, what a small world.  This man, P, is so dear to me.  When he hugs me hello or goodbye he pulls me into him, and hugs tight.  He used to do just the one armed hug, but we are pretty close now.  So happy to have his friendship, I treasure it.

So, that, friendship with him, is not mundane.  The people I love are not mundane.  Going through the motions of living are.  My bff’s boyfriend said to me tonight, “We’re in paradise here….”  Yes.  Yes we are.  Laid back, loving, friendly, no stress.  Perfect weather almost every day.  And the days that aren’t are a welcome change.  Every day I try to express my gratitude for this.  Life is an amazing adventure.

Love and light, all.

Delight

stars-and-moon

What does she say
When the night rolls in
And the light fades?

She watches quietly
She smooths her dress
And bows her head
And says “Thank you”.

The moon rises
The stars twinkle.
Planets shine their brilliant light
Gratitude delighting the universe.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images