Letting Go of Old Fears

I wrote the other day about needing to find my own time, still, and not losing myself in a new relationship. God knows I lost myself and gave up so much of myself to my ex, and to S. I vowed it would not happen again. A boundary I set for myself.

The difference this time is that I’ve fallen for a man who encourages me to take that time. I was worried about it, but needlessly, I think. I was alone Monday, and a good part of yesterday. I invited him for dinner, and his first reaction was that I probably should take the night for myself, and see him today.

We talked about it. I asked him not to 2nd guess me, that if I asked him here, I wanted him here. I was able to make him understand in a loving way that I knew his concerns came from love and care, but that I knew myself well, and that he didn’t have to try to figure out what I needed or wanted. There is no game with me.

It was so amazing to have the whole discussion end with us feeling closer, like we knew each other better. He showed up for dinner with a new bouquet of flowers and a bag of Godiva chocolates. The chocolates were amazing, lol. The flowers will brighten my table for at least a week. I got a package from Amazon yesterday. I couldn’t remember ordering anything, though I do occasionally. It was a gift from D, some coffee mugs. He’d noticed that a lot of mine were chipped (and I had been meaning to replace them but just hadn’t) so he bought me new ones, in the style and color I like, and sent them to me as a surprise. Just small things, because he wants to. I laughingly told him he will have to claim me as a dependent on his tax return if he keeps buying me things.

Whereas the other two men who’ve been in my adult life seemed to love to keep me on edge, uncertain, rarely allowing me to feel sure of the relationship, this man, D, only wants me to feel that sureness. Yet, he’s not needy in anyway. You know needy is like the kiss of death with me. Needy men don’t usually make it to even a 2nd date. Same with boring. D is neither boring or needy. He can make me laugh, and feel special. I know I matter to him, for much more than what goes on in the bedroom. (Which is nice too, lol)

I didn’t mean to write so much about him in my blog. I was afraid of it causing problems, but that’s just me, projecting issues from my last relationship onto this one. Because this one is so open, and loving, and all the things that one was not, I can write about this free of fear at all. He may read it, he may not. He lives his life in a way that builds, doesn’t break down. He’s not hiding anything from anyone. My fears are a learned behavior, from relationships that were not balanced, not whole. I am unlearning those fears fast.

It’s an amazing thing. I keep pinching myself….and thanking the Universe. Couldn’t be much happier.

Love and light, all.

Taking a Walk

I took a walk down by the water this morning. It was hot, already 90° at 10:30, and the humidity is high today, about 70%. It’s almost summer in Florida. But there was a nice breeze off the water, slight, but noticeable.

I walked down to the end of the fishing pier and found this gorgeous heron just standing there. I walked toward him slowly, so he wouldn’t fly away. The herons here are not so skittish as the ones that go up north in the summer. He looked at me with a bit of distrustful fear in his eyes, but only took one step out of the way.

heron on pier

There were quite a few fishermen casting nets down there this morning. The tide was very low, helped along by the new moon I would guess. I don’t know what they catch in the nets. A few were casting from the pier, and a couple more were in the water. The other day we saw someone pull in a nice size flounder off the pier. But other than that, I’ve not seen anyone catching too much there.

I took a walk through part of the fresh market after my walk. It’s called a fresh market, and there is a lot of fresh food there, produce, meat, seafood, exotic jerky, homemade cheese, etc, but also a lot of vendors of crafts and other things. I bought a dress but when I got it home and tried it on, I didn’t like the way it looks, so I’ll take it back next week. (There’s nowhere to try it on at the market. There are only canopies for the booths, no dressing rooms.) I get why the gauzy loose dresses are so popular here. You don’t want anything on that touches your skin when it’s 90° and 70% humidity.

Still….I love living here. Love the balmy breezes, not working, heron on the pier. It’s a good life.

Love and light to everyone.

Achieving Balance

Remember in Eat Pray Love when Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life? That’s me….that’s where I’m at.

It’s in a good way. It’s not, like in the past, because I was crazy about someone who isn’t capable of reciprocating it. Not because this man is selfish, or self-centered, or narcissistic or sociopathic. It’s not because red flags are flying that I’m trying to explain away.

It’s because he’s so kind, and sweet, and loving, and considerate to be with. Because our relationship matters to him, as much as it does to me.

I find my personal schedule disrupted. Like staying up late, way late. Sleeping late, way late. Not taking my morning walk. Not doing my meditation. Somehow, I have to get back to a schedule that allows me this practice. I’m not even writing nearly as much. Yet….that schedule didn’t include time for love, because it wasn’t in my life.

Now that it is…I need to figure out a way to fit it all in, to modify where I can, and hold onto myself, the thing about me that make me, me. The woman D loves. And make sufficient time for he and I, because we enjoy it so much.

It’s not at a critical place yet. It’s only been a month. But I see my stuff slipping and I know in the end I need these things to be in my life for this to work. I know this is also true for him, in reverse.

It’s kind of a wonderful, lovely dilemma. But a dilemma, nonetheless. I’m sure he and I will solve it between us. Which is an amazing, wonderful place for me to find myself.

Love and light everyone.

Beautiful Day, Except for the Traffic

We went to the island to meet my sis and brother-in-law yesterday. It’s 35 miles to the restaurant. It normally takes about 45 min. to get there. It took 2 hours. The traffic was absolutely unreal. Took us about an hour to go 20 blocks on one of the main roads to the beaches. I had no idea it could be that bad. It’s off-season, so I thought even if it’s busy, there aren’t that many people around. We decided that for the people who live here year-round, Memorial Day must me kind of like, “Ok, this is OUR holiday, no snowbirds around.” I’ve never seen the beach so crowded. People were parking in the grass on the side of the road, and I felt bad because a cop was ticketing them. There were no “no parking signs”. Apparently there is some ordinance that no one knows of, but these cars were not in the way, or blocking any driveways or streets. Not to mention, they’d all just sat through tons of horrible traffic to get there. I’ve never even seen that beach half full of cars.

When we came home, it was the same in reverse. We waited til after sunset to leave. We’d gone down to the beach to see it, and figured traffic would be thinned out by 9. It didn’t thin out til almost 10. So got home very late. It was crazy.

But the day was wonderful, once we got there. Had a great lunch with my sister and brother-in-law. We started to take a walk around the neighborhood, but it was so hot, 93°, that we went back to their house and put on our bathing suits and hung out at the pool for a few hours. They really liked D, and he really liked them. He got over the nerves pretty fast. I joked to my sister that her husband was probably afraid I’d bring some weird kind of dude over to meet them, since, even though I know my brother-in-law loves me, he thinks I am a little “out there”. But he and D got along famously. I’m really glad about that, cuz I think D will be sticking around.

Today is pretty cloudy, and t-storms predicted so I’m really glad we made the trip yesterday, despite the traffic. Now I know. Do NOT go over to the island on Memorial Day weekend. LOL. Just, don’t.

Love and light.

Beautiful Things

We are having some beautiful weather here in the Tampa Bay area. Yesterday the high was around 90, but the humidity was only 42%, which is amazing for here. Today looks like a carbon copy. Such a treat.

It’s a perfect beach day, except that it’s Sunday of a holiday weekend. My sis texted me yesterday, as she drove along Gulf Drive on Anna Maria Island (near her home on Longboat Key) and said she’d never ever seen so many people at the beach there. The parking lot, which is generally less than half full, was packed. People parked on the grass, police blocking entrances because there was no parking left. Crazy. We’d planned on going over there today, eat lunch woth my sis and brother-in-law at my favorite restaurant, and then go to the Beach Market. But with that report, we may have to modify that plan a little.

My friend the sculptress finished my statue of Guan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion. (Picture below.) She is so beautiful! She is two parts, the statue itself and the lotus blosson in which she sits. She is also an incense burner. One stick can go through the top of her head, one through the bottle in her hand. I’ve never been much of an incense burner, but I may become one. My altar is just started, and I’m sure over time I’ll add more things to it.

Guan Yin

In Buddhism, she has arrived at a level of enlightenment which would allow her to become a Buddha and enter Nirvana, but refuses to leave the world of suffering until all people are free from suffering and vows to assist in achieving that goal. She’s a pretty cool goddess!

I am off to a day on the island with this amazing man I’ve met, and with my family on this beautiful day. It doesn’t get any better than that! Oh…and remember today is the New Moon. Set your positive intentions for the next lunar month today and tonight!

Love and light to all.