This morning’s “death” set me back. For about an hour. Not bad. I was angry not hurt, but I managed to get through it without adding to the garbage that was out there already.
I’ve been trying to take the old gong stand apart and down for about a week now. I guess it was my adrenalin, but I went at it like a bear an hour after I threw him out of the house and got it into pieces small enough to stash under my bed for the time being. I was then able to put my living room back into the shape it was in before I had to rearrange it to accommodate 2 gongs. Then I set up the table that some of the other instruments sit on when performing. I sat down and began playing, first the bowls, then the gong came in low and I did that for a while. A long while. Then I realized I could play the ocean drum, and the gong flumies. Those are little rubber mallets, really superballs on a stick, that make the most amazing sounds. The smaller the diameter of the ball, the higher pitch sound. Most people think of them as the whale sounds, because they really do sound like whales keening. I have 5 different sized ones, and they sounded amazing with the ocean drum going at the same time. It was so soothing for me. Healing myself while I played.
When I decided I needed to eat, since I’d eaten an apple since coffee in the morning, I put it all down, let the vibrations fade and most of the intense anger was gone. I realized what a sad. solitary and broken life he had lived, and that his attacks were really about himself. Every time I wanted to tell him off, I started writing it out and then deleted it. So, I got it out of me, but didn’t add to the self-loathing than I’m pretty sure he already is deep into. Because in the end he will hear in his head the voices from his youth that told him he was always at fault for everything. Even though he is, lol, in this case.
No, not really. I believe that people do the best they can according to their level of consciousness at the time. I feel sorry for him, in the end, because, well, just because. I don’t need to list the reasons. But the point is, the gongs not only heal those meditating while I play, but they heal me, to play them. It was a lovely thing. I feel blessed to have that gong in my house, and the bowls and the rest of those wonderful instruments.
Because I managed to get through that, I was able to make myself a good dinner. I’ve walked a mile and a half for two days in a row. I’m determined to get back to the way I was when I moved down here. I’ve had a rough go of it for the last many months. Wrecked my back, which seems ok now. Went on the cruise from hell, came back and was sick for 3 weeks. My health finally seems stable. The negative influence, which grew and grew until I was weighed down by has been eliminated. My knees crumbled under it. I’m straightening back up. Making new friends. Really working at reconfiguring my sound healing so I can do it with less. We all know less can be more. Maybe it was all in the grand design. I think it might come off better without him. Not to be mean. Honestly. But he never bought into the healing, and I think without that vibe from someone who is not all in, completely, it just might be more effective.
Yesterday when I was out walking, I stopped into a little shop full of handmade goods. It’s new, and I’d heard good things about it. I was the only customer in the store, and the owner was at the counter with her laptop. I asked her about the jewelry, was it local, handmade. I asked if maybe I could show her some of my work sometime. She said, sure bring it in. Then I asked her if she had ever heard sound healing at the beach. She looked at me for a moment and then said, “OMG! That was YOU!” I smiled and asked if she’d been there. She went on about how amazing it had been, and how it changed her, the experience was so intense. I knew she was speaking from her heart. She asked if she could tell me her story, and when she was done, I asked her if I could hug her.
Because that’s why I do it. To give people a venue to do what she did. To facilitate that kind of healing. I don’t do anything, I want to make that clear. I mean I take no credit for what happens there. I just offer the space, support and the vibrations, and energy so that people can heal themselves. I remembered this woman, because when she was leaving, she put her hands together in a prayer gesture, and thanked me so sincerely. She said I said to her, “welcome back.” I don’t remember saying that, but it’s likely, I say it often when the event is over. She said that when I said that she was thinking, OMG, she knew I was on a journey.
Well of course, I’ve taken that journey probably 300 times. I am so happy to share the experience. So without Dan, it will be different. But I think his absence will allow me to fly on my own, and who knows where that will lead.
Now I’m watching TV and thinking of making some kettle corn. Mmmmm.
Feeling very free tonight. Love and light everyone.