Sometimes No Answer is the Answer We Need

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It is so lovely to be off on Monday.  Not only for the extra day off, but because a 4 day work week is so much more palatable than a 5 day.  Sigh…..

I have sent S a text and left a voice mail, asking him about a dr appt he had Friday.  Previously he’d promised to let me know what happened, but I got so angry with him last week for his inability to own his actions, and then to blame me for them, thus denying me once again, that except for one voice mail from him I have not heard from him.  He has not responded to my requests to be informed.

So, I’m just going to have to not know, I guess.  It bothers me somewhat, since I have had such energetic pulls regarding his health in the last few months.  Even when we didn’t speak for two months, I sent him an email saying, please go to the dr.  I have a bad feeling here.  It also bothers me because I told him that whatever it was, I’d be beside him, he wouldn’t be alone.  A promise I’d be hard-pressed to keep at this moment, and perhaps one he doesn’t want me to keep anyway.  IDK.

Besides, I guess I don’t need to know, really.  I need to not be tied to the dysfunction that has commanded front and center in my life for the last month, to let it go, and move away from it.  I removed myself, so the others involved could deal with their issues without my energy.  Even if he had bad news at the dr, I still need to be removed, I guess.

I’ll be in FL in about 3 weeks for a week’s vacation.  My sis and I are going to find a realtor to just begin the search for the neighborhood I want, and research what’s affordable in the places I’m looking at, and who knows maybe come up with some other places. I can get info about the taxes, about the insurance regulations down there, etc.   I’m so looking forward to a clean fresh start, leaving all the old pain and sadness and angers behind me.  It will be so much fun, to actually be moving down the path to this dream, instead of just dreaming.

I am still so excited that my friend may have a buyer for my house.  I have been asking the Universe to let me sell this house quickly and easily….could this be the universe bringing me what I ask for?  Maybe…we’ll see.  It wouldn’t be the first time I have gotten the answer I needed and wanted.

I’d sure like to get off this bumpy road, onto some smoothly paved road with beautiful scenery.  It’s work, but I’ll get there.

Love and light to all.

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You’ll Get What You Need

I went to a friend’s house last night with a bottle of wine.  She is a member of my book club, and gets me and the person I am, and how I need to be consistent with my values.  She helped me to manage the anger I felt over the events of the last week, and other issues around them.  I was exhausted, I hadn’t slept but 3 hours the night before, and worked a full busy day.  I think I was running on adrenaline until about 9:30 last night, when I had the overwhelming desire to just lay down and go to sleep.  So I went home and did that.

I keep going back to my friend the gong player’s words, that the deck is always stacked in our favor.  Even when it seems it’s not.  I can believe that and hold on to it.

It’s going to be an incredibly cold weekend here, low temps below 0°F, and wind chills tonight of -20’s F.  Luckily it’s only a couple of days, and not weeks.  Seems a good weekend to start the serious business of getting the house ready to sell, especially since it’s a 3 day weekend here in the US.  I am really ready to work toward beginning this new chapter of my life, and leaving all this old, ugly stuff behind me.

Life doesn’t always give us what we want, thankfully, but usually gives us what we need.  As usual, may the universe work everything out for everyone’s highest good.  Love and light.

Shine On

It seems I have a slight obsession at the moment with SHINING.

It’s definitely a shining sunglasses day here. White white white everywhere, and bright bright sun. I have to admit that it’s beautiful! Which is some consolation for the fact that I have to figure out what’s wrong with the snow blower, since next week looks like a real winter week, snow, cold…UGH.

Shiny Florida is so calling my name. A couple of my high school friends who live down there, are in touch and maybe we will be able to get together while I’m there! And soon enough, I will get out from under this house and mortgage and get out of here permanently. Except for summers when I will come up here and visit my friends here. 🙂

Feeling a bit shiny today. I slept really well last night. I woke up only once, and then went back to sleep and slept for about 5 hours without waking. Without a sleep aid! God, it’s lovely to know I can actually sleep through the night. Maybe the 2 glasses of wine helped? Hmmm. Often though, I wake up more if I’ve had a drink, so who knows. I think it had something to do with un-fucking myself, lol.

Also, maybe because when I woke, the WP app on my phone had a ton of notices, and quite a few comments for me, funny, or at least, in alignment with un-fucking. And some of the blogs I follow put up some kind of capricious, funny, irreverent, out of the box stuff. Which put a little extra gleam in my shine.

I’m thinking, Mercury is definitely not in retrograde! Communication here, at least, is fast and quick, inspiring, positive. Energy in motion, lifting me. Finding my shine again.

I want to go to Florida with my shine on. Hell, I want to go to work, to bed, to the grocery store, with it on. Yeah, we all shine on.

Whatever Remains, Let It Go

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It was quiet by the ocean yesterday.  There were other people in the park, couples walking their dogs, or walking the walking paths, kids flying kits.  Not many on the beach though. maybe a half dozen.  I was alone, a few people were alone as well.

The park is an old estate, complete with a 40 room mansion, now used mostly for weddings.  I went to one there once, we were walking around the mansion, pretending we were actors in Downtown Abbey.  There are all kinds of formal gardens, and one has a statue of a Buddha in it.  Usually when I go, I offer something from the sea to the Buddha, a pretty stone or shell.  I did so yesterday too, and set it down with the intention of letting go.

I had done something others might feel was foolish before I went.  S used to talk a lot about when a relationship ends wanting closure.  I had been feeling that I wished it didn’t end so ugly, though I don’t know what other outcome there could have been, when there were so many lies and deceptions, all by him.

But I texted him, just saying I would be there, if he’d like to talk, and get some closure.  I didn’t have any expectation that he’d come, I didn’t really care if he came.  I have had a feeling that he’s a wreck, I thought it might be something he needed.  But there was no answer, which is answer enough in itself.  I won’t ask again.  It was for him, not for me.  And really, what closure would there be?  He probably blames me that he’s lost Betty, not himself.  I doubt very much that at this late date, he is ever going to own his story, this story, that he created to fail.

It makes me sad for him, but it’s his journey.  I wash my hands of it.  If he wants to reach me he knows how.  But since he didn’t respond to the text, I’m pretty sure he won’t try, at least not for a long time.

In the meantime, I am loving having a drama-free life.  I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me.  There was constant never ending drama, even before the breakup.  There was him always wanting to see me for a few hours, me fighting it, me wanting him, me trying to understand what was going on.  I was spending so much time and energy on him.  And now, I have a lot of time and energy for myself, my son, my home, my friends, and who knows what else. It’s like breathing again.

A has been in constant communication with me from Santa Fe.  He was dating a woman who a couple weeks ago decided they would just be friends, which he was ok with.  Then asked him to her hot tub.  He was going to go.  Then he sent her by accident a picture of himself, meant for me.  It was just his normal good morning sweet Deb picture, but she took exception to it, though he says she knew about me, and also, that they were just friends.  Then yesterday she told him he wasn’t giving her enough attention or courting her properly….

He said, this is way too confusing.  Too much drama.  I’m afraid this is goodbye.

I kind of felt bad for him, but really…she sounds like she had mixed emotions, and was so inconsistent.  He was fine, but a little frustrated, confused by it.  I think I helped him understand it a little, and I was glad to be there for him.  He has talked me down so many times. He asked if my life was still drama-free, and I was happy to tell him yes.

I do miss S, from time to time.  But I always remember him before last spring, when she came back.  When I remember what transpired between last spring and now….it is easy to walk away from it, and put it all behind me.  I’m still looking, but I have the feeling that the man I’m looking for will be in Florida when I move there.

Just some introspective thoughts today.  Morning meditation:  Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.  Whatever remains, let it go.

Love and light.

PS  The picture at the top I took yesterday.  It is where I own a boat slip.  It reminds me to keep my perspective on what a small part of my journey the last 18 months really is.

 

 

Energy-Laden Random Thoughts

Feeling all over the place this morning.  Trying to put this stuff in some kind of random order, so I know where I am.

I went out with a friend last night.  First time I have been out in ages, maybe since S and I split up.  It was good for me.  We went to a little Italian restaurant and sat at the bar.  It’s in a small town on the Connecticut River. A band began to play at 9, and opened with Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic”, which is one of my favorite songs of all time.  Then they did Van Morrison’s “Caravan”.  Also love that.  Love Van Morrison.  Then they did 2 Neil Young songs, “Old Man” and “Heart of Gold”. Love him too.

It’s been AGES since I listened to live music. They were pretty good too, and funny between songs.  They could have used a sax on the Van Morrison stuff but it was still great.  I was sitting in my bar stool, singing along, kind of seat dancing to it.  I laughed when they played Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down” because the first time I saw a psychic, I was battling with S over his offers of a “nice afternoon”, aka a physical relationship.  And the spirits and guides that showed up, the psychic said, came in singing that song.  She, the psychic, had never met me before, and only knew my first name.  She said, “they’re singing Stand your ground, don’t back down.”  My friends kept looking at me while she was telling me this, we had just discussed this on the way to the psychic in the car.

So here I was listening to this music, first “Into the Mystic” which S always said was his favorite Van Morrison song, and Neil Young.  One night S and I watched a 2 hour special on Neil Young.  I remember laying in his bed one afternoon listening to a Neil Young CD, such a pleasant afternoon.  And then “I Won’t Back Down” which made me laugh.  Lots of his energy hanging around me.

It was around all day yesterday, I was feeling his energy.  Strongly in the morning, not so much in the afternoon.  Then last night at about 1:30 I was wide awake and had some very strong feelings from him.  I fought with myself not to do what I would have done 2 or 3 months ago and sent him a text asking if he was ok, or wanted to talk.  It felt panicky.  But I didn’t.  I knew that doing that would end up in the wrong place, would be taken wrong.  And just because I feel it, doesn’t mean he wanted to talk to me.  If he did, or does, want to talk to me,  he knows how to reach me.  I let him deal with it himself, and finally got to sleep by sending him reiki to calm him down energetically.  Of course, he didn’t ask, but if he doesn’t want the reiki energy he won’t get it.  It will just hang outside his aura.  It can never hurt….  I felt everything calming finally, maybe it just calmed me.  But anyway, I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep finally.

Thinking  of going to the shore this weekend.  We are having exceptional weather for December.  Sunny, not too cold. I need to put up a notice at the yacht club to try to sell my boat slip, and I haven’t been to the water for a long long time.  It would do me a lot of good.  Maybe take a sandwich over to the park where S and I had our first date.  It’s a beautiful place.  I don’t think it would trigger anything bad, but would bring some peace.  Maybe tomorrow, it’s going to be close to 60°, which is crazy here in December.

So it’s all good.  I’ll get a lot of stuff done around the house today, make a nice dinner for my son and I.  Maybe catch up with some friends.  Just a nice quiet life.

 

Random Memories Wreaking Havoc

Warning:  This is pretty raw……

Today was difficult.  I had that random rogue wave memory hit me today, while I was working.  (See last blog)  I had to go to the ladies room to keep from crying at my desk.  I just don’t understand the mentality.

When he did the prison whore, he called me two days later and couldn’t wait to tell me.  He didn’t want the weight of it on him.  He said “I did something and it’s gonna hurt.”  But he still had to tell me.  He had to do the right thing.  That was February.

In May, he had me over to his house on a Sunday.  Not of course, Saturday night.  I had been there in April, a couple weeks before, the night his friend died. (I had been sitting at home, and was overcome with a feeling from him…I called and asked if he was ok.  He said “funny you should ask.   Gus died last night.”  I was there in a few hours.  He was sad….really sad. But Ok.)  I didn’t think anything of the fact that I hadn’t been with him the night before, now two weeks or so later.  He’d had the memorial service for his friend the day/night before. I got there late morning, I think.  We made love, we were sitting naked, he on his couch and me in one of his recliners, and he told me he was thinking maybe we didn’t need to see each other every weekend.  I remember saying, “I think I want to get dressed.”

He was most likely in her bed the night before, or maybe she had been there and left.  More likely he was at her house…which is why I was not at his house the night before.  I think Saturday that weekend he might have gone to the memorial get together for his friend who died.  I bet she went with him.  She knew the friend too.  I think they first connected when she commented on his picture on FB.  Maybe he even called her to tell her. Since she wasn’t really married……  Maybe he spent the night with her.  Maybe their first night together again.  Maybe not.  Maybe he came home and texted me about it. I can’t remember, it was 7 months ago.  But I’m sure he started seeing her then.  And then he had me over Sunday.

He just said he wanted to focus on himself, on his house, his yardwork, he’d been in a relationship for all his life, he wanted to see what it was like alone…..He still wanted to see me, just not as often for awhile.

Because he had her now.

(This is only a rough timeline.  I didn’t always write about it when I was with him, apparently.  I know I was the weekend of March 30.  I know that was not the last time I was at his house, so I think this is approximately right.)

But he didn’t respect me or his relationship with her enough to tell me the truth.  He could tell me the truth about Samantha the prison whore, but not Betty.  He couldn’t tell me the truth about her until I was ready to come down there and find her there. He disregarded everything either of us ever said to him about not wanting any part of a relationship like that.

All summer he tried to get me to be part of an intense physical relationship, but nothing else.  Because we had a great physical relationship.  When I began to realize that’s what he wanted, I told him to let me go.  Not to come see me if he didn’t want to stay.  A couple of times he spent the night, I don’t know how that worked with her, that I got him on a Saturday night.  Maybe they were fighting.  Maybe she went away.  Maybe he lied to her.  Who the hell knows?  But he gave me just enough to hold on.

Now I get why in early May he was excited to go to Florida with me in early June and suddenly did a 180° turn.  I knew something was up then, but I couldn’t figure it out.  I was angry about it though.  He’d found cheap tickets for us, we’d talked about what we’d do…etc. He was going to rent a car so we could fly into Tampa and then he’d have a car while I visited my mom.  And suddenly he wouldn’t go.  Broke my heart then.  And I got over it, because I fucking loved him.

Sometimes I’d agree, “if that’s the only way I can see you then ok….”  More and more often the answer became “…..Let me go if that’s what you want.  It’s not what I want.”  He wouldn’t do that either.   I’d say, “You wanting to find yourself and be alone is fine, but it doesn’t mean I’m sitting in the wings waiting for you whenever you get the urge.  If you want to be alone, then be alone.”

Of course, he wasn’t, alone. He had her.  But he wouldn’t say so.  He wanted us both, hanging around.  I could see him anytime from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning.  He could easily, apparently, go from her bed to mine, or mine to hers.

I remember the day of the eclipse, end of September, Sunday night of the weekend before he dropped his bomb.  We were texting…I was telling him that the reason our sex life was so good was because I loved him so much.  That I couldn’t even participate if I didn’t love him.  He suddenly seemed to hear me….he was going to come here and watch the eclipse.  He was getting ready to leave and fell down his stairs and couldn’t move.  He was laying on the floor on his back.  He had been half-thinking of spending the night because I can go into work late on Monday.

And then he couldn’t come.  I think that was true…He had been planning to leave when he called me me from the floor.  She wouldn’t have been around on a Sunday night, and never would have known if he came over and spent the night.

So we sat on our own decks and watched it, texting occasionally.  We both saw the same shooting star.  We texted all week from early in the morning til we went to bed.  During work. During lunch.   Close, intimate, sweet, sexy.

Right up til we went to bed Friday night.  I felt he heard and understood me for the first time in ages.  I felt close…he said he did too.  He texted me at 4 AM when he woke up “for no reason”.   Turns out for plenty of reason. At 10:30 he texted me that he was going to be with her.

Set up.  So set up.  So set up all summer for him to devastate me.  At the moment I loved him the most, he brought me down, he crushed me.

I’ve been pretty good lately.  It doesn’t hurt much anymore.  Angers me more than hurts.   But today, all these random memories from last spring have been just barging into my mind, not knocking at the door, not ringing the doorbell, not asking if they could come in. Slapping my face, ripping open scars, spitting in my face.

All that time.  He could tell me about the prison whore, who meant nothing to him.  But he couldn’t tell me about Betty, who he claims now, he loved.  He couldn’t even honor her by telling me the truth.  He couldn’t respect her wishes.   He couldn’t honor me or respect me and my wishes.  What did I do to deserve that?  I loved him so much, I was always there for him.  I asked very little of him.  Whatever he wanted.  We had fun together, we played, we flirted, but for me…it was always within the confines of just us.  It was just two people who cared for each other being intimate.

I want to get back to forgiveness.  I’m happier there, but tonight I’m hurting.  It won’t take so long, it won’t hurt as deep this time but it hurts.  He’ll read this, and he’ll hide away from me.  What does he care, he didn’t care for those 6 months.  He’s probably hiding from Betty too.  Why should he wonder if the women whose lives he ripped up for his own pleasure are ok?  He can’t do anything about it, but if it was me, I’d still want to know that they were not still laying on the ground bleeding.

I know he’s a sick man.  I mean, mentally ill, to do this to anyone.  I also know he’s not going to do anything about it.  He’s not going to face his demons, he’s going to let them have free rein.  He’s going to go to his grave believing that he was hurt by all this.  All this that he created, and he set up, and he caused with his lies and deception to feed his own ego.  Eventually, I’ll feel sorry for him. Eventually.

Not tonight.  Tonight, I’d like to know that he feels the depth of my pain.  Tonight I’d like to know he has even a modicum of remorse for the way he shattered me, and left me lying there in pieces.  Tonight I’d like to know that it all meant something to him, something more than great sex.  I wonder if he knows how much audacity he had to ask me to help him with Betty, after he ripped my heart out and chewed it up and spit it out in a bloody mess.  He wanted me to help him deal with the lies and deception of another woman, without any consideration as to what those lies and deception did to me.  As if I should just understand, because he didn’t love me, he loved her.  As if that somehow made my pain less intense.  You’d be hard pressed to make me believe he loved anyone but himself.  Playing two women all summer, lying to them both, deceiving them both.  That’s not love S.  That’s self gratification, like jerking off.  One was an old fuck, one was a new one.  But we were both just a fuck for you.  We both know it.

I know I’ll never get what I wish I’d gotten even a little of.  I’m left to dry my own tears, and put my own self back together, and start walking again, away from him, toward a new life.

 

 

 

Real Communication

I love intimate communication.  The kind of conversations you have where you learn about the other persons soul, where there is no judgement, only give and take, and connections are made.

I have these conversations with my friends, often.  It requires the willingness to be vulnerable, to put yourself out there, to show up and be seen, but it also creates connection that is unbreakable.  I think when a relationship ends, for me, it is the loss of communication that I miss the most.  When a friend moves away, I miss the late night conversations the most.  The talks on the deck late into the night over a glass of wine, or a cigarette.  (I don’t smoke, but some of my friends do, or did.)

I do a lot of texting during the day, because at work, my office is a big open space, and most everyone can hear a phone conversation.  Texting is quiet, and something you can do when you have a minute, a conversation can go on for a long time, it doesn’t require that you stop an important task at work to continue the conversation.

I just don’t like when texting takes over for real conversation all the time.  It is nice to hear the other person’s voice, to add the additional information that audio gives you.  The way you can tell if the person on the other end of the line is pensive, or happy, or sad.  If they are being glib or earnest.  I like that I text with Jim but it doesn’t take over, we still talk by phone.  Even A, when we get into a sweet intimate conversation talking about our relationship, past and present, will call me.  I have had what I thought were real, truthful, intimate conversations via text, but found out later, they were just a diversion.  So, I don’t trust texting now, for any personal, intimate conversation.

Communication, real, intimate, truthful, sweet conversation is just such a blessing.

Writing…is also a great way to communicate.  I am generally more eloquent with the written word, lol.  I can look at what I write, and review it, and see if it’s exactly what I meant.  I have been known to send huge long texts…..the kind that are received on the other end as 10 texts, lol. Just because it’s my comfort zone at times, and at times when what I have to say I can’t say, verbally, to the other party, for whatever reason.  Because I’m not somewhere where I can talk, but it needs to be said. Because I’m too emotional to be able to spit it all out verbally.

Tonight when I go to dinner with Jim, I’m going to work at building an open and easy communication, because while he so far has been willing to show up and put himself out there, I can see he’s still not comfortable with it.  And me, I suppose I am more willing, but it’s my nature, first of all, to say, “This is me, I will be this person today, tonight and tomorrow….”  But also, I have been working for years now, to connect with myself and know who I am.

And still, I learn more every day. Close, intimate conversations with others where you listen, speak, and exchange ideas is how we learn about ourselves.  We see what is reflected back to us, we see where we want to go, and where we don’t.

Communication, really, is how we connect, if we are real and honest and willing.