Feeling “mellow” tonight.  I am feeling free of S.  I  have no emotion at all, no anger, no pain, but no romantic love, no longing either.  I wish him well…I just wish him to leave me alone.  It got worse before it was done completely, which is not what I wanted, but it wasn’t my choice.  The unconditional love remains, that love which I try to have for everyone.  But as for sharing a life, having a relationship, that’s done.  I realize because of the “Lucky 7” things, I had hoped for more than was ever possible.  I accept reality, and realize we are way more different than similar.  It was never going to go anywhere, and was bound to end as it did.

I think he “unfollowed” me today, or someone did, anyway, because i lost a follower.  i assume it was him.  And that’s a good thing.  I hope he loses the address for this blog too.  I dislike constantly worrying if what I write is going to be taken wrong, and piss him off.  I wasn’t willing to give up the right to write what I felt to keep him happy.  I don’t think I could have kept him happy anyway, no matter what I wrote or didn’t write.

I heard from A tonight.  He’s leaving Seattle where he’s been staying at his brother’s lake home for  a few days, and heading for the Cascades and Canadian Rockies.  We talked on Facetime, it’s kind of cool to be talking face to face.  I have never used it before.  He’s such a nice, happy, sweet man.  He always makes me feel good about myself. Always smiling.  But there are 1000’s of miles between us, which will always remain.  All I know is it’s nice to have a friend like him right now.

I often wonder what my relationship with A would have been like, if I had not been involved with S already when I met A.  I keep thinking that a relationship, deeper than the one we have, would have developed, and then I would have been so morose when he left.  So, I think it worked out for the best for us both, because neither of us got so attached that his leaving was painful.  I know he loves me, and I love him in a different way.  More than a friend, but not the way I used to love S, with longing that ached.  Which is a good thing because there will always be a big distance between us, and neither of us will ever entertain the idea that we could be together.

Well, pensive tonight I guess, on the end of my relationship with S.  On whatever my relationship with A is.  I don’t feel like dating, I don’t really want the complication of a man in my life right now.  I have a lot going on to get ready to put my house on the market.  I’m gonna hang out with my girlfriends, go to the beach, do a Paint Nite, and just generally put myself back together. It will be nice to have some time with out chaos.