Category Archives: love

Letting Go of Old Fears

Posted on by learning to live like water

I wrote the other day about needing to find my own time, still, and not losing myself in a new relationship. God knows I lost myself and gave up so much of myself to my ex, and to S. I vowed it would not happen again. A boundary I set for myself.

The difference this time is that I’ve fallen for a man who encourages me to take that time. I was worried about it, but needlessly, I think. I was alone Monday, and a good part of yesterday. I invited him for dinner, and his first reaction was that I probably should take the night for myself, and see him today.

We talked about it. I asked him not to 2nd guess me, that if I asked him here, I wanted him here. I was able to make him understand in a loving way that I knew his concerns came from love and care, but that I knew myself well, and that he didn’t have to try to figure out what I needed or wanted. There is no game with me.

It was so amazing to have the whole discussion end with us feeling closer, like we knew each other better. He showed up for dinner with a new bouquet of flowers and a bag of Godiva chocolates. The chocolates were amazing, lol. The flowers will brighten my table for at least a week. I got a package from Amazon yesterday. I couldn’t remember ordering anything, though I do occasionally. It was a gift from D, some coffee mugs. He’d noticed that a lot of mine were chipped (and I had been meaning to replace them but just hadn’t) so he bought me new ones, in the style and color I like, and sent them to me as a surprise. Just small things, because he wants to. I laughingly told him he will have to claim me as a dependent on his tax return if he keeps buying me things.

Whereas the other two men who’ve been in my adult life seemed to love to keep me on edge, uncertain, rarely allowing me to feel sure of the relationship, this man, D, only wants me to feel that sureness. Yet, he’s not needy in anyway. You know needy is like the kiss of death with me. Needy men don’t usually make it to even a 2nd date. Same with boring. D is neither boring or needy. He can make me laugh, and feel special. I know I matter to him, for much more than what goes on in the bedroom. (Which is nice too, lol)

I didn’t mean to write so much about him in my blog. I was afraid of it causing problems, but that’s just me, projecting issues from my last relationship onto this one. Because this one is so open, and loving, and all the things that one was not, I can write about this free of fear at all. He may read it, he may not. He lives his life in a way that builds, doesn’t break down. He’s not hiding anything from anyone. My fears are a learned behavior, from relationships that were not balanced, not whole. I am unlearning those fears fast.

It’s an amazing thing. I keep pinching myself….and thanking the Universe. Couldn’t be much happier.

Love and light, all.

SoCS: All or Nothing

Posted on by learning to live like water

socs-2016-badgeThis post is written as part of the Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS) writing prompt by Linda G. Hill.  For complete instructions please visit her page

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS May 20/17

Join the fun, and see what we all have to say, and add your own truth!

All or Nothing

There’s an old jazz song that gets sung at open mic night fairly often, called “All Of Me” by Billie Holliday. The chorus is:

“All of me
Why not take all of me
Can’t you see
I’m no good without you”

The singer laments, take my lips, take my arms, you took the part that was my heart, why not take all of me?

All, or nothing….Take all of me, or none of me. Which is how a relationship should be. You take the whole person. You can’t just take the parts that you like. A lover once told me there were many things he loved about me, but he hated my temper. Now, I can have a temper. It’s slow to rise, but when it does it’s like an explosion. The dust settles pretty quickly, though, and it’s over. I can’t hold a grudge. The point is though, that as a lover, I need all of me to be taken. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. All. Or take nothing, and let me go.

To be completely accepted by someone is rare. I can think of friendships I have with so many people whom I like, except for “blah blah blah”. However, I guess I accept those things, because we are still friends, even though some things make me crazy. Their good qualities always outweigh the ones that bug me. Friendship means a lot to me, so I take all of them.

In love….I also take all of my partner. Until I can’t. I’ll try and try. But I won’t, any longer, keep trying when the behavior I can’t accept begins to hurt me. All of them, or nothing. And they need to take all of me, or nothing. When you can work out the parts that bug you, between the two of you, it’s possible to find a way to take all of someone, even if you don’t quite find yourself on the same page.

All or nothing. It’s a boundary too. It says if you can’t take all of me, then you get none of me. And if I can’t take all of you, then I don’t want any of you. Compromising on that can only lead to heartache. At least in romantic, committed love. In a friendship, it’s easier. If my friend is behaving in ways I can barely tolerate, I can take a few days and stay away from them. The unacceptable behavior then fades, as I remember how important their friendship is to me. But love, romantic love, I believe has to be all or nothing, or it will never last.

Unconditional love is different than romantic love. It says, I love all people and want the best for everyone. Like the Buddhist Metta prayer, May all people be happy. May all people be free from suffering. Unconditional love. I can feel that even for people who have hurt me to the core. They say that if you believe in unconditional love, which for me is who I strive to be, that you don’t get to pick and choose who you love. If you do, it’s not unconditional. All, or nothing. Everyone, or no one.

Romantic love requires that all or nothing love in a very intimate, personal way. Unconditional love of everyone, requires it in a very broad way. One is reaching inside ourselves. One is extending as far out as possible. All or nothing. A thought-provoking writing prompt.

Rumination: What Is Love?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m up long before dawn this morning. I slept like a rock, for about 7 hours, and did nothing yesterday but sleep and write and read and watch TV, because I hadn’t been feeling well, and hadn’t slept well. So, I’m not surprised that I was wide awake at 4:15 this morning, and unable to get back to sleep.

I lay in bed for awhile, just thinking. Thinking about how much I think about, write about, obsess about love. Being in love. Loving unconditionally. How when I really love someone, I always love them, but how that love can change, and transform over time. How sometimes it has been toxic for me, driving me to my knees. And sometimes it has lifted me, higher than I’ve ever been.

But what is it? I can honestly say, I don’t know. I have loved when it hurt me, and loved when it lifted me and why both? I used to say it was a choice to love someone. When I was married, I said that. I was committed. I tried for so long to make that work. I hated breaking that commitment. But I did, and now? I don’t think that if love was a choice, that I was really in love with him. We were together at 18, until we were 56. At 18 I was in love, as much as an 18 year old could be. I think he was too. Over so many years, I know his control issues, and abuse, changed that, but I was committed, and so I kept telling myself we still loved each other, and kept trying to make it work. But did I love him? Well, maybe. Was I IN love with him. No. I was committed to him and our family. Until I realized that the commitment only went one way, and his commitment was only to controlling the rest of us. Thinking abusing us was the way to do that. I told him, after we split up, the only control you ever had over me was how much you loved me. And you didn’t.

With S, I was in love. Crazy, undeniably, continuously in love. And it kept me going back, wanting to see if this time he could love me. Just me. He could not. I finally gave up on it, I finally realized that whatever it was he wanted, in his free-thinking Aquarian way, it was not what I wanted for the rest of my life. The trust was broken, again and again and again, and I just had to stop kidding myself that I’d ever be able to trust. I’ve read that Aquarians are independent enough to think it’s fine if they are unfaithful, as long as they tell their partner about their indescretions. Which I believe is true for him. It’s who he is, I don’t hold it against him. He’s entitled to live how he wants to. It’s just not what I want for the rest of my years on this earth. I don’t share, can’t share, the man I love. I still miss him sometimes, his sense of humor, his quirkiness. And sometimes, his ability to help me to see things differently. But trust…..I can’t get past that, and never will.

D, the man I’ve been seeing for awhile now. I have not allowed myself to say I’m in love with him. We have not said it to each other, yet I feel that he loves me. I like him a lot. I only hope I can love him. I am wary, I think, not because of him, but because of the pain I experienced the last time I gave my heart fully to someone. D is so not like anyone else I’ve been with. He’s had his trials, his challenges, and still…he’s thoughtful and kind, considerate and loving. Yesterday, when I didn’t feel well, he apologized for not taking care of me well enough. I almost didn’t know how to react to that kind of thought from a man. It was not his fault, yet he took it on, because he wanted to think he could have helped me avoid it. He has done absolutely nothing but build my trust. We are compatible in many ways, and he seems willing to try to learn from me, and to teach me about himself. I think there are possibilities for the future. I feel safe with him, among many other things.

Looking at these 3 men….and trying to answer the question “What is love?” and “What makes me feel it?”…..I still have no answers. I looked to Rumi this morning, for answers to those questions. Rumi talks a lot about how love feels, but in my very cursory study of his work, not too often about what it is. I did find this quote:

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.”

Which is deep enough to send me on a long meditation. LOL. This is a Rumi quote that describes, to me, what it feels like to be in love:

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”

I don’t know what love is, and may never know. I know when I feel it though. I know when it’s bud is growing and I know when it’s bud is dying. I hope I’ll know when it’s a love that can last, that can grow like the giant sequoia, and scrape the clouds. Only time will tell.

Love and light.

Secrets in the Stars

Posted on by learning to live like water

lovers

Touch me where the secrets lie
Hold me, and search for them.
They wait in the darkness,
For your light to find them.

Set them free
With the sparkle of your eyes
With the sweetness of your breath,
With the tenderness of your touch.

Secrets, unchained
Fill the spaces between us
Where do you end?
Where do I begin?

Our bodies connect
Relentlessly.
Each secret we release
Sends us closer to the stars.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Google Images

Did I Ever? The Answers

Posted on by learning to live like water

Leonard Cohen asks:

Did I ever love you? Yes.
Did I ever need you? No.
Did I ever fight you? Yes
Did I ever want to? No.

Did I ever leave you? Yes
Was I ever able? No.
Or are we still leaning
Across the old table?  I’m not. It hurts my back. I can’t speak for you.

The lemon tree blossoms. Yes it does, here.
The almond tree withers. Maybe…..
And is it still raining
Back in November?  Not here, but in my old life, yes. Same thing goes on and on. Over and over. It’s lovely in here, back in November.
Those are my answers to Leonard Cohen’s questions, from one of my favorite of his songs, Did I Ever Love You. Good questions, trying to understand. What are your answers?  I’ve put this video up before, but in case you missed it….I’ll do it again. Enjoy.

 

The Wall

Posted on by learning to live like water

stone-retaining-wall-contractor

The love is so intense it consumes you
You breathe it, you bathe in it.
Sometimes it’s excruciating, you stay with it anyway.

Until, with out warning, something changes, in you.
One day, there’s one word, or one phrase
A wall appears between you.

You didn’t build it.
You didn’t even particularly want it there.
But it’s there.

You can’t take it down.
Something just stops you,
From taking out that first brick.

You know if you take out one brick
The entire weight of the wall
Will come down on you and crush you.

The weight of a wall built in secret
One row of bricks at a time, under your nose
You’ve been peering over it.

You didn’t even know.
Until it obscures your vision.
Suddenly you can’t see over it anymore

Or through it. Or around it.
You know what’s on the other side
And all you can do is walk away.

By Deborah E. Dayen

 

Oblivion

Posted on by learning to live like water

oblivion

Day rises, night falls
Love grows from nothing
Then disappears into oblivion.

So some think.

Love is all there ever is
Oblivion is where it waits for you.

Forget yourself
Into the deep dark recesses of oblivion.
There you will find love

When you find yourself.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Working Out Sleeplessness

Posted on by learning to live like water

I see my old friend Pat sleeping on my couch, in deep sleep and I think how nice it would be, to be able to just sleep anywhere. She’s one of those people who can. My mom used to be able to do that. My mother-in-law fell asleep at an NHL hockey game once. You know it was not quiet there, lol.

I went right to sleep last night, and well I should have. 3 hours sleep the night before, 2 rum and cokes at the restaurant, and we had a little smoke when we got home. I slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up, and of course, couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s getting old, this not sleeping thing. I had taken a full Ambien, just to make sure I slept, but there you go. So at 1 AM I took a Benedryl. That’s ridiculous I know. I am aghast at myself for putting so much crap in my body, but I am craving sleep and it is just evading me.

Lately when I’m like this I have to get up and write. Stream of consciousness…just let out whatever it is. Last night I felt very comfortable with my friends sleeping here. I was not overstimulated. When I went to bed I was only looking forward to climbing in between my sheets in that bed I love. But there I was, awake at 1:30 AM.

I picked up my laptop, opened it up and began to write.

What came out was, all the tentative hope I had for this relationship with Tim. He sent me an email this morning. Telling me about his night, and that he can’t wait to see me. Not gushing, just loving. He included a poem, I don’t know if he wrote it. I don’t think so, it was in quotes but the author not id’d.

I also realized that I still miss things about S, which I wish I didn’t. But that is always overridden now with his ability to play games with me and others, and the way I am always the big loser with him, that there is nothing to be gained from him. I guess when you love someone you always love some parts of them. The funny, smart, sexy parts. But they aren’t worth the brokenness, the chaos, the confusion.

I know where I stand with Tim, and it is so reassuring. I also am physically attracted to him, and that too is reassuring to me that we can get to that place eventually. He’s not overbearing, but likes to stay in touch. He’s not demanding, but expresses himself. He is not afraid to put his arm around me, he is not afraid to take my hand and talk to me seriously. He is not overly demonstrative, but is demonstrative. And he’s also smart, and has an artsy side. He loved his wife, who died after a 7 year battle of cancer. He was her caregiver all that time. And happy for the job.

What do I not like about him? Well, he has a drawl, lol, and my mind always clicks to a redneck when I hear a drawl. But he’s so not. He is so much an aging hippie like me, even though he’s an ex-firefighter, and ex-cop.

So, I have hope that this will go somewhere. He’s a really good man. I am cautious, too cautious with him. Like I should have been with S, and wasn’t, jumping in with both feet. I resolved not to do that again. To let things grow, to fill the marble jar, before giving myself over completely. S would always put 5 marbles in the jar, and then dump it over and just watch the marbles roll out. It’s just too hard to retrieve yourself, when someone breaks your heart. Jumping in set me up for heartbreak over and over again. I can’t imagine Tim willfully breaking my heart. Nor me his. I’ve broken a man’s heart before, but not willfully. It was just that I could not match his emotions for me. That man was needy, and I am so not. I love to be in love, but not with just anyone.

So that dichotomy, between the two men, that chaotic jumble of emotions, is what was keeping me up. Tomorrow Tim and I will go manatee watching, sunset watching and really see if we connect. I’m looking forward to the growth of the seed that’s been planted.

Love and light to all.