Category Archives: personal musings

Stream of Consciousness: Men. LOL.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Stream of consciousness……da duh da duh da duh…..

Men.

My ex.

I had to talk to him this week, in the midst of all the chaos of the grand opening and the drama of Scott. He never signed a quitclaim for the deed to our slip, which I got in the divorce. I have sold it, but can’t complete the transaction until he does this. So I called him to ask him to please do it, and he said he would, but that means nothing. He is a worse game player than Scott, I think. I will probably have to threaten him with contempt of court to get him to actually execute the quitclaim. I have a court order from a few years ago that if he is back in court for not following the judge’s orders following our divorce trial, he will go to jail, because he messed with it so much. But that’s who he is. A pathologic liar and sick sociopath. I don’t know if he’s still drinking or not. He said he needs to call me back because he has some issues to discuss. I said, what issues…we’ve been divorced 8 years. I have always said that he still thinks I’m his wife, somehow…..I don’t want to have another conversation with him. But I also know he’ll probably never call me back, lol. It’s not my first go ’round with him either. However, the 10 minute conversation I had with him was exhausting, as it always is. Circular, difficult, can’t be heard, can’t be acknowledged, and he lies, about everything, just to be lying.

Scott.

So wonderful to have freedom from the chaos of Scott. I am not gonna say anything else because I’ve already spent too much time and thought and emotion on this relationship in the last week, and it’s over.

Lou, L.

God, I like him so much. I think I could easily fall in love with him. I feel like the above drama with S though, spent my emotional energy away from focusing on a relationship with Lou, toward ending one with Scott. It just feels that the connection with Lou has weakened. I hope that I have not energetically sabotaged it. I hope that now that I have closed the door on Scott, that it will reopen the energetic door with Lou. There’s no concrete reason I feel this way, but intuitively, I’m just feeling that we’ve backed away from each other. I’m not pushing it. If I hear from him, I’ll be happy. If I don’t, I’ll still be happy and know that the Universe is still working in my behalf and has not yet brought the exact right guy to me. There are some things that put me off a bit, actually. He’s way more conservative than me. I don’t think he likes to think about things deeply, which right now is a godsend. I am sick of having to go so deep to figure a situation out, and then still feeling confused and chaotic about it. Lou is much more “what you see is what you get.” And, what I saw when I made him dinner, I liked. It was light and breezy, and easy. But at some point, it may frustrate me, to be with someone who shys away from the hard conversations. He goes home a lot to Ohio, which might be a problem at some point, but I also admire his commitment to his kids to help them start this business and make sure it gets off the ground on the exact right footing. That’s just cool. Just saying….I don’t know if that adds up to having a real relationship. But I’m just gonna go with the flow on this one. However the universe takes it, is ok with me. Surrender is becoming easier.

Chuck.

Chuck is an artist I met Friday when he brought in his incredible artwork for the gallery opening. I did not talk to him much at all then, I was just way too busy. Yesterday he came into the gallery I spent the day in, and we began a conversation as he looked at the three original panels used for the granite wall Vietnam Memorial in Tampa. He is a Viet Nam vet. And and incredible artist. And tall, and good looking and kind. One of those people who just is not afraid to be vulnerable. (It’s hard to be a good artist if you’re afrid to be vulnerable, but that’s another blog. Maybe though, that’s why I like artist types so much.) We talked for 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. About my friend the curator, and her physical ailments and how she just pushes through them. How she and I grew up together on the banks of the Mississippi. About movies, and the art therapy mission of the Veterans Art Center, about Gulfport, and CT. Finally, the gallery began to get busy again, and I had to focus my attention on other people’s questions, etc. He said he was going to go check out the other galleries, but we exchanged names, and both said we’d enjoyed talking, and he held my arm for a moment, and said, “ talk to you again….” Not that there were big sparks, or anything. But I did realize that if it doesn’t work with Lou, it could work with someone else. That I don’t need to be feeling bad if the universe directs me and Lou apart. Just gave me a lift. I have a feeling that I may see him again, at the gallery, or at something to do with it.

My horoscope for yesterday (I didn’t read it til this morning, lol) said I might meet the love of my life yesterday, unless I already had. I don’t know if that statement, or either of them is true, but I do believe I will meet that person. My medium said by October, she feels I’ll be in a relationship. I hope she’s right. I think I’m ready to really have that happen.

Love and light, again.

When Is An Apology Real?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just got home from a long day trying to prepare the art center for the grand opening tomorrow. Hanging more art, and cataloging all of it, organizing the spreadsheets so that the we can know which gallery each piece of art hangs in. I am just amazed at the scope of this project, how much participation they have received, the volumes of art that is on display. I felt guilty leaving tonight, but my feet and ankles were just done after 8 or 9 hours of continuously being on them. So I went home, and hopefully will be of more use to them tomorrow than I could be if I stayed later tonight.

Most of the work I did today was fairly mindless, really, though. So I had a lot of time to think. I heard from the nameless one again….I know, I know. Ridiculous. I just kept thinking about how he keeps behaving in ways for which he has to apologize.  Why he can’t change his behavior, but he can’t. An apology which says, “I agree with everything you said” doesn’t mean a whole lot when you’ve heard it so many times. The behavior stays the same….I’ve begged him to leave me alone, and maybe he will now. I also actually feel genuine compassion for B. My anger with him had nothing to do with her, because I knew what he was up to.  He just managed to piss me off royally just by his arrogance, and his narcissism, and I just am so sick of it.  I was sick of it in December.  Didn’t talk to him for a couple months, but then the damn smoke alarm thing, geezus.   However, B didn’t know, apparently (even though I’d mentioned it before in my blog)…and he was telling her something else, from what I gather. I don’t know exactly what he was telling her, and I don’t want to know=. I was told he was not with her, but I guess she believed he was trying to turn over a new leaf. While he was not, while he was continuing with the same behavior he did 18 months ago, and it’s been pretty much on-going since I moved.  The only saving grace was that I am now 1500 miles away, and none of our conversations could be acted on.

Oh, I’m running on, just trying to think my way through the tangled web of lies, that somehow caught my leg and pulled me in. I just feel for her, to be blindsided yet again. But I’m so happy to be out of that triangle, and game that he plays. I feel bad for him, to not be able to change such self destructive behavior.

And I’m so happy to be having such a cool guy as L make me dinner next week. Such a big difference.

So tomorrow will be busy, and fun. Gonna get some dinner and rest. Love and light, everyone.

Feeling a Shift

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m feeling a shift, internally, lately. I can’t say from what to what, I don’t know. But I’m having a hard time sleeping. And writing, which is weird for me. I have been so used to just writing…whatever was in my head. I’m concerned now, with only writing something that means something. The internal workings of the mind are fraught with things that may or may not be true. I’m trying to decipher mine.

It suddenly seems ridiculously self-serving to talk about my love life, or actually, lack of one. Whichever it happens to be at the moment. To talk about how I ran errands, how nice the weather is here. As if it’s even interesting.

I suppose that it helped me, through a huge transition in my life. But it’s one of those things that I’ve now finishsed with. I’d like to write more poetry, less essays. The poetry has to come from my heart though. At my age, I have plenty to draw on to write about. Accessing it….that’s a different story. Well, a lot of us write poetry, and I’m sure we all have our methods. I still have a page and a half of a fictional story I started, but I am still blocked on where it’s going.

I feel like I think Liz Gilbert did, when she posted on FB one day saying, “Why is writing so exhausting?” She went on to say how hard it is sometimes, so emotionally draining. Especially her first book. Right now I’m exhausted. Not really from writing, but from attempting to. It’s ridiculous when you HAVE to write, and find a stop sign down every road your mind takes. I suppose it will change.

So back to the shift…..I have to sit with it until it is complete I guess.

A friend called me last night (see here I go again, the minutiae of my life) but she reminded me we have a big fund-raiser for the Veterans Art Center, some kind of networking event, tomorrow night. I’m glad she remnded me, it’s nice to have something to look forward to. She also told me she has the free Silver Sneakers program so can go to the Y for free, and is excited to go with me. She said she signed up but never wanted to go alone. I’d like to drop another 10 lbs, so hopefully with that, I’ll be able to.

And my bestie from home is coming Friday evening. I just found out, from this blog, lol, that there’s a big block party at a bar called O’Maddy’s, down on the waterfront for St. Patrick’s Day. So we’ll have something fun to do when she gets here. It will probably give me a real lift to see her.

Well, gradual change I guess, is how shift happens. Life is good, especially when I can go take a nap in the middle of the day, lol.

Love and light, all.

Ruminations on Reclusiveness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Am I becoming reclusive? I spend a lot of time alone. And I don’t mind. I consider calling a friend to come over or go do something, and so often I stop myself. Not wanting someone intruding on me. At least lately. I don’t understand this sudden change in me.

I’ve always been extroverted. Love having people around. Love deep conversation. Love my friends. It’s why I was not afraid to move somewhere far away where I knew only 2 people, an old friend and my sister. I knew that I had always made friends easily, and I have. But lately, I find myself keeping to myself.

Perhaps I have given too much of myself, maybe I feel spread thin. I don’t know. I miss my son. At times I really miss my old life. But I love my new life. It’s just that lately, I don’t want to take a walk with someone else. I want to walk by myself, along the waterfront, sorting out my thoughts and emotions. Trying to figure out what it is that I really want, that brings me joy, and passion.

Writing is the first answer. Not the only one, but the first one. It brings me so much peace, to put my thoughts in a form where I can see them. I cannot seem to work them out without putting them on the page. I was up again, last night in the middle of the night, writing away. Because thoughts were there that were screaming at me for release. Compelling thoughts. And things I don’t want to publish, I don’t want them to be public knowledge. I need to keep and honor some things only in my heart. We all do.

This morning I have to get some groceries. Coffee, cream, toilet paper, some salad makings. I had to force myself to be kind enough to ask my friend who has no car of her own if she wants to go with me. I’m glad I did. I have wished someone was here to just talk with, someone I knew well. I want to rest in the arms of a close friend. This friend I called, well, she is a good friend. She can become argumentative though, and I hope that doesn’t happen today because I am way too tired to deal with it.

What I really want is someone who could take a nap with me, just lay down and make me feel safe….a man, no doubt, but just to rest my weary head against someone who I knew would not hurt me. It has been decades since I had that peace. And even when I had it, it was temporary.

When I lived with my son, I was content enough, to have him around. He was there. He would listen to me if he realized I really needed to be heard. He could see and understand me without a whole lot of communication. He read my body language. It wasn’t like having a significant other, but it eased the fact that I didn’t have one, or that the man I’d chosen had let me down, again.

I don’t want to be a recluse. I want to be involved in life, with passion, with love. I don’t want to become isolated, yet that’s what I’ve been doing lately to some degree. I’ll show up where I’m expected, but I just want to be alone most of the time.

I guess, when I look at it from the more objective perspective of reading it on the page, that I am sitting with some things. I don’t really know what they are, or why they are affecting me this way. But like a teacher who used to facilitate my meditation group each week said, “You don’t have to excavate. You don’t have to dig up your past. You just have to honor that you feel the way you feel.”

I guess I’m honoring myself, by allowing myself to feel things that are uncomfortable right now, but are evasive in origin. I guess that I want to do this in private, until I don’t need to anymore. So, if my blogging is more sparse, that’s why. I’m not saying it will be, but it was yesterday. And then the things that came out were direct from my soul. Today, this comes from the same place. I am confused, but willing. Reticent, but full of words. I suppose at some point it will spill back out and the clouds will dissipate.

Love and light.

Late Sunday Afternoon

Posted on by learning to live like water

This morning, I got dressed, changed the sheets on my bed, vacuumed, and intended to go for a walk. On the spur of the moment, I called a woman, an acquaintance, I’d met a few times and asked her if she’d like to go with me. We are both single, I know she dates once in a while. We are both new here, she moved from Maine, me from CT. We are similar in that we both have made the move by ourselves, on our own. She answered sure, she’d love to. Why didn’t I come to her house, and park there and we could walk past the marinas to Clam Bayou, which is a nature preserve not far from the center of town.

So, I did! We walked about 2 ½ miles to and through the Bayou. It’s a beautiful day, temps around 77°. There’s a stiff wind blowing out of the East, and we were grateful for it, because it really was keeping the temperature down. It was nice to get to know her better. Nice to expand my friend base. After we got done walking we walked a few more short blocks to the center of town, and got breakfast, well, brunch, at an outdoor cafe, and listened to my friend Gary play the keyboard. He came over to our table to say hi. Told us that a man sitting on a bench listening to him identified himself as a piano teacher. Gary is self-taught, and doesn’t even read music. The guy was quizzing him, lol. Gary was a little um, taken aback. He just plays for tips, they don’t even pay him. So he certainly doesn’t expect to get tested!

It is so nice to sit outside, eat, and listen to music. I had a mango mimosa too! Mmmmm.

I came home, determined to start work on my taxes. Which I did. I got most everything together that the accountant needs. I have a mess of documents I brought down here now, that need to be sorted through, filed, and put away in some semblance of order. That’s a job for tomorrow. LOL.

In the middle of it, my son called. First he told me his father has called him like 5 times in a row. I said, “He hasn’t called me, did you listen to his voice mail?” (I knew if it was really important his father would have called me.) Son replied, “I just got my new iPhone 7 yesterday and I haven’t set up voice mail yet.” I said, “That’s probably why he called so many times….he wanted to leave a voice mail.” Son said he’d set it up this afternoon. Then he said he wants to make himself a good dinner tonight, because he has time to. And that suddenly hit me, I don’t know why, how much I missed him. I used to always try to make a decent meal on Sunday night, because we were both usually home. Something that would give us leftovers for the upcoming week. I really miss those routines we had, all those years together. Unspoken. We didn’t even think about them….but we had them. Now our routine is phone calls.

I know I’m really blessed that he stays in such close touch with me. It’s just, he’s alone, I’m alone, on a Sunday afternoon, a Sunday night….I miss him. He’s making his own good dinner tonight, and I’m glad he is, but I wish I was making it for him. There are some things about my old life that I just really miss.

However…..then reality hits me…. Going through my tax docs, from the sale of my old house, the purchase of my new house, I paid $5723 in property taxes on my old house last year. Is that ridiculous or what? My tax bill down here was about $1400, and next year with my Homestead exemption probably about half of that. So…here I am, dealing with my son having a new life, me having a new life, because there’s no way to pay those kind of taxes, even if I’d had no mortgage, which I had, and retire. And I didn’t even pay them for a full year! That was just through September! Crazy….. Even if I’d not minded winter….I couldn’t have done it.

I did make some baked egg custard this afternoon. I have some good fruit, including another fresh papaya from the community garden, and fresh strawberries to have with it. And some whipped cream, lol. It will be a good dessert.

I haven’t heard from L today, but he told me he was going to be with his kids, creating loan docs and corporate by-laws, so I know he’s really busy today. And the day’s not over yet, lol.  Like I said, I don’t need to hear from him every day, just regularly. Sometimes I contact him first, if it’s been a couple days, just to stay in touch. Trying in a low key way to just let him know I’m still keeping dinner warm, lol.

So, all seems to be well, this Sunday afternoon. I had a nice productive day. Even though I miss my son, I’m happy. Love and light, all.

Considering the Possibilities

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I went to bed exhausted at about 10:20. I was a little sad, because Tom did not call yesterday. He had only said this weekend, but I thought I had detected some urgency in his message and thought I’d hear from him yesterday. Instead, I saw him online, but he didn’t call or even message me. My sadness was exacerbated by my exhaustion.

As I went to bed, I thought…..here I am setting myself up for more drama. More games. More stuff I don’t want in my life. I’m feeling the old push / pull thing that was part of my last relationship. There’s no need. I thought about the other guy Tim, who was excited to get my number, and committed to calling me tonight. How honest, and forthright he is, how he also makes me feel important, without any game. How he doesn’t have the need to tug at my heartstrings. And also how attracted I am to him, as well. Then there is a local guy I met at the artwalk, named Larry. My sister and my friend both told me he was obviously interested in me. I was oblivious. He’s a park ranger of some of the coastal parks nearby and also a photographer. We met at a gallery which shows his photography. My friend knows him from a charitable project she’s working on, which he’s involved in. She’s been trying to get me involved, and I think I may do that now. It’s a great project, and the added benefit of maybe working with or getting to know Larry makes it very appealing.

I thought, why have I kind of started to tie myself to a man who when he’s there, is really there, but when he’s not, he’s really not. Do I love the game on some level? No. I don’t think I do. But I think I’m a little gullible. Too much Pollyanna.

I slept solidly for 6 hours. I wish I’d slept for 10. My sleep has really become disrupted this week.

This morning during my meditation, I performed self reiki. I think I’m out of balance. Really out of balance. I worked this morning on restoring that balance. In Eat Pray Love, Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life. I agree. But, I’m not in love, yet. I’m only in possibilities.

There is no need to be so intense about any of this. There is no need to feel I can’t meet both Tim and Tom, and maybe get to know Larry. I’ve never been a player, and I don’t think I am now either. Until there’s some kind of connection with commitment I will continue to meet people and enjoy meeting them, getting to know them. When the next level occurs, then I’ll make that step.

I am surprised at myself, when I stand back, how much I want to have a significant other. I don’t want a husband, but yes, I’d be so happy just to feel my energy balanced out with male energy. I love to be in love, but I see this morning I’m pushing it with Tom, and that he’s probably not right for me. I think he likes the game. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t have had to push to get him to call me, and meet me, if he’s being honest in his messages. I’m sick of pushing. I’m sick of things not flowing. They flow with Tim, just a nice flow. And I am quite physically attracted to him. I love that he takes his grandson out manatee watching. He has a creative outlet. I also really like the way he tells me about himself, is willing to be vulnerable. We are a good match. Tom writes sweeter messages, but doesn’t follow through. I love words so much, I want to believe him. But his actions are telling me no, don’t. Not yet.

It’s all good, because I am confident that all the old stuff is behind me. I’ve really been alone a long time now, 10 years….. Even when I was with S, I wasn’t really with him. I was really alone. So I don’t really count that as being with somebody. I loved him, yes. But was I ever with him, no. And now, in hindsight that’s definitely 20/20, I know there’s no going back to that place where I spent the last at least 2 ½ years. I came down here for a fresh start…new beginning….to leave all that was in my old life in the past. My ex, my contentious divorce, my aloneness for 6 or 7 years, the roller-coaster and crash and burn that was my relationship with S. Every day, it’s farther behind me, and the future looks brighter.

But I have felt some of that old stress in trying to build a relationship with Tom. And stress is not what I want. Starting last night, I am backed off. I’ll talk to him, if and when he calls. I’ll meet him if and when he wants to. But I will also talk to Tim, I will also get to know Larry, and anyone else who crosses my path and whose company I find I enjoy. Until, that next level arises at the direction of the universe, not at the desire of my mind.

Here I am obsessing about this again, and I’m sorry. It’s boring I’m sure. But it’s really how I work these things out. Seeing much more clearly this morning. And hopeful that I’ll be able to get a nap in today, and alleviate this exhaustion I’m feeling.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Love and light to everyone.

Singing the Song for 2017

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s New Year’s Eve. Time to reflect, to look forward, to enjoy the moment.

Reflecting….. Last year was a year of huge change for me. Never before have I had so many big changes in my life. Losing my mother. Retiring from a lifetime of work. Moving to Florida, to a completely different way of life. Moving my son away from me to Colorado. Ending a love affair that stopped bringing me pleasure a long time ago, and only brought me pain. And even so, it was a struggle to let go. But let go I finally have, completely.

All these changes were good. Every one of them. Even though I miss my son so much. I know he’s doing well, and happy, and making his own way. Thank God for cell phones, we talk every day. There are new people in my life, new friends, the budding of new relationships that bring a smile to my face.

I don’t deal with winter any more. That is such a blessing to me. I so hated being cold from the middle of October until the middle of April. Dressing in 4 or 5 layers, and still being cold. I hated dealing with snow, and the last few years we had mega amounts of snow up there, with only a few exceptional years. I hated driving in it, keeping the driveway clear and the walk ways, and being housebound.

Now…..when it gets cold here, it’s in the 50’s. And so far, for not more than 2 days, til the temperature creeps back up to the 70’s or 80’s. I can walk every day along the beach. I can see the ocean every day. The water here on the Gulf coast is warm, and calm, and soothing. Usually I am dressed in one layer, and more often than not, it’s shorts, or skorts (the skirts with shorts under them).

To be able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis is such a blessing. We are becoming so close. It has eased the pain of losing our mother last year. We joke all the time about how we channel her for each other. She and I have not lived close to one another since we moved out of the house around age 20. I’m going back there today, invited to her neighbor’s New Year’s Eve party which promises to be a blast, and it’s right across the street!. No driving with the drunks….

The future is looking bright. There is a possibility of a budding relationship. It is moving slowly, at a speed which, while sometimes frustrating for me, is a good thing really. I’m sitting back and let the universe drive the train. It’s fun to feel that way again, and actually have it reciprocated.

Financially I feel secure. Avalon, my home, my place of new beginnings, is coming along. All the big work is now completed. There are some jobs like tree-trimming, putting up a shed, landscaping that need to be done, but they will be done over the next few months.

Mostly, I have given up worry over things I cannot control. I have come to believe that the Universe has a grand design, which we cannot possibly understand in human terms, and that all will work out for the highest good of all. It’s not so much Pollyanna, it’s just that I agree with Marianne Williamson that the universe is self-organizing and self-correcting. It has been the way it’s worked for me, over and over again. I know that many people won’t agree with me, in fact, maybe most. It’s just the way it is from the perspective of my life. Not asking anyone else to believe it.

This year, I think I will try to do more giving back. There are a few things I’ve discovered here which I can get involved with that might make a difference in someone else’s life. I mean, I have such a happy life here. So free of drama and pain, so full of joy. I want to spread that around as much as I can.

Life is for living, for singing a joyful song. I’ve always known that, even though I’ve had a hard time singing so often. Through an abusive marriage, a failed love affair, a long period of terrible financial insecurity, I still always believed I could one day sing the song again.

I’m singing it now. It’s in my head, lol, I still don’t sing in front of people. But those close to me can hear the song. I guess this is why I trust that the universe is on it, organizing and correcting for the higher benefit of all. Because it’s taken me from terrible darkness, to the sunlight of Florida.

Love and light, everyone. Have a Happy New Year!

Not Foolish, nor Destined to Repeat the Past :-)

Posted on by learning to live like water

The sun was almost up when I awoke this morning. Daybreak had broken, the eastern sky was alight. I slept the sleep of the dead last night. I didn’t go anywhere, both of my friends who were going to go to the artwalk with me were sick. One with a cold, the other with a migraine. As it turned out I fell asleep on my couch from 5 to 6, and then stayed up late because I wasn’t tired.

I was in quite a mood last night, and yesterday, with those poems I wrote, Foolishness and Destined. Today my waking mind was in a far more indifferent place. It is always therapeutic lean in to that discomfort when it shows up, to write those feelings out, and send them out to the universe.

This morning I’m out on my deck, sipping my coffee under the canopy of the banyan tree in my nightgown, feeling quite content. I am still seeking a love that can last, but have no regrets over the past, nor really any attachment to it. Just moving forward, and expect what will come will come when it’s supposed to, if it’s supposed to. In the meantime I have friends and family here that I love and who love me, and a wonderful life. There is no reason to feel bitterness or angst.

And who knows? I had a short text with C last night. He’s always up, it seems. In a good place. It’s a refreshing change for me. I hope I hear from him again soon.

I always say that the people I loved I will always love. But really, some of those people are out of my life for a reason, and the reason is that they were in it to teach me, part of the lesson my soul needed to learn. They’ve taught me and we’ve both moved on to our own next lessons. Today, I am grateful for the lessons, and for the fact that I have such a wonderful starting point for my next adventure. Love always? Yes, I suppose so. But maybe not desire, not hope that things will be different. Oprah defined forgiveness as giving up hope that the past will ever change. I think that’s where I am. Glean from it what we can, and go on.

Like my horoscope said, I am an Aries and I like to move forward. I can backslide like anyone else, but not for long. I don’t like that place. I hate covering the same real estate twice. A relationship that takes me over and over the same ground without ever moving forward is not compatible with me.

Feeling so much more myself today. I’m going to go down to the water, take a long walk. Go to the grocery store and get the stuff I need for Christmas food. I’m making baked stuffed shrimp for Christmas Eve at my sisters. And for Christmas night, my traditional raspberry angel food cake with Raspberry Amaretto Sauce. And whatever my sister and I decide we want for Christmas Day. We’re invited to a friends in her neigborhood for Christmas night, which will be fun. It will remind me how I always went to my bff’s in CT on Christmas night. I was often the only non-blood family there, but that huge family always treated me like one of their own.

I have been really blessed, haven’t I?

Love and light, all.

(Very) Early Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

Just Some Memories

Posted on by learning to live like water

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The post below is not what this weekend is about memorializing, so first things first. My father was a Lt. Col in the air force reserves.  He was active during WWII. This weekend is about remembering those who sacrificed their lives so that we could all continue to enjoy the freedom we are so blessed to have. I know this, and don’t in any way mean to ignore them. Laurel’s post “Tony” (https://myjourneyintodarkness.wordpress.com/) reminded me what it’s about. In fact, she reminded me that I had a long ago friend whose name is engraved on the Viet Nam Memorial in Washington DC. I once found his name there. I didn’t etch it. It was hard enough just to see it. His name was Tony too.

I need readers to know that first, I remember all the fallen heroes. Always.

Memorial Day weekend, though, kind of a bracket for me. It’s when I first understood that my relationship with S had changed, though I didn’t understand why. A 3-day weekend, of which he offered me a “nice afternoon.” And I said, no. I wanted a nice weekend, not an afternoon. He was beginning the process of ripping my heart out and cutting it into pieces. Hard to believe how much I loved him. And how callous and uncaring he was of that gift. It’s been a year of pain, and heartache, and growth.

I also said goodbye to Addie the same weekend. He left on his great adventure with his son, traveling all the way to the other coast, through the northern states, up into Canada, and finally settling in New Mexico. I went to see him before he left, I saw him actually a few times. S had no interest in me then, he was busy with B, though I didn’t know it. Oh S was stringing me along, texting me, talking to me. I was, after all, a good source of supply since I loved him so much.  But his interest was focused elsewhere.

Addie was tender and loving and sweet. I wished so much that I could love him. But I can’t do what S did. I’m a one-man woman. Always have been, always will be. And back then….S was the one I loved. We were sitting on Addie’s deck, he turned me to look at him. He said, “I have to tell you this now, because I won’t have another chance. I love you SO much. You have changed my life forever.”

I heard the words from Addie that I wanted to hear from S. Addie asked if we could just lie down together. He just wanted to hold me, once more, he said. I said yes. I needed that closeness. That safety of lying in someone’s arms that wouldn’t hurt me. I was wounded, Addie was a soothing salve on that wound. He reminded me that I had value, that I was lovable, when I most needed to hear it. I let him love me, and I reciprocated as best I could, and be true to myself.

He was there for me every dark day after too. When I finally found out about Betty, Addie spent the day on the phone with me, talking me down. Actually he did this more than once, because the full story of what S had done came to me in pieces. He was my rock. The rock S could never be for anyone, because he’s incapable of loving anyone. Not me, not Betty. Mostly, not himself.

I have not talked to Addie for a long while. He has moved on, found a new love. But last time I talked to him, a couple months ago, he told me he still loves me, will always love me. It’s not in the same way he loves his new woman, but he loves me. I know if I needed to lean on him, I could. But I won’t impose…I have broken his heart enough over S. I will just love Addie.

It made me laugh after, that S complained that I had been cuddling with Addie. While he was bedding down Betty, unknown to me. Seeing her, and lying to me about why he wouldn’t spend the weekend with me. God, he was such a convincing liar.

Yet, still at times, I miss that mischievous grin, and his tall tales, the way he could make me laugh. I just know the price for these things is too high, that it requires a piece of my soul. There is nothing lasting about what comes from him. So…I just learn how to turn it off. To walk away from it.  Even though I am much better at it than I used to be, it’s still a work in progress.

Moving to Florida, which has been my plan since before I met him, has turned out to be exactly what I need to do. To get far far away from the memories, the proximity. I know that some of it will remain, but it will be easier to heal from when I have focus of a new life. I’m so grateful that the Universe put this plan in my head and has moved me along with it. I’m so glad that S was unable to change it. Not that he tried. Fact is, he always knew it was my plan. He always knew that I was independent, and relied on myself. There was nothing extraneous in how I loved him. I just loved him. I didn’t need him to live my life, I just wanted him in it. I think a lot of the problem was that he couldn’t believe that, or accept it. That someone could just purely love him with no other need or intent.

I don’t know if he’ll ever understand that. Which is sad.

I guess this is why I wrote the “Benediction for S”. It’s a year later. I’ve grown, I’ve moved along the path I intended. My life is falling into place. I still “know” that in Florida there will be someone for me, who can believe and accept and want….a woman like me, who is capable of loving fully, who is genuinely happy, who wants only the pure, raw, emotion of love.

Someone who will make me forget about loving him, completely.

Today, I’ll move along a little farther on that path. I have to get more paint for my deck. Not a lot. Maybe a quart or two. The deck will be finished today if it stops raining. I’m hopeful that a painted deck will help get an offer on the house.

I’m going to Virginia next weekend, for 5 days. The whole family will be there, both sisters and their families. We’re going to bury my mother’s remains with my father. We will put a little of her ashes in the lake my niece and sis have homes on, because Mom loved it there so much. We will memorialize her, and we will mostly take the love she lavished on all of us, and lavish it on each other.

Feeling blessed this Memorial Day weekend. Blessed by the sacrifices people have made so that I can live a safe, secure life. Blessed that there is love in my life….which never leaves me. It wraps around me like a blanket on a cold winter’s night. I know there are people who have never known that.

Love and light, all….

Note:  Picture above is one I took.  I think it’s Barn Island, somewhere S took me. Memories…..