G for Generosity, of Spirit

I woke in the middle of the night last night, which is not unusual. For some reason, Brene Brown’s anagram, “B R A V I N G” trust came into my head, and particularly, the last letter of it, G, for generosity.

If you have not seen Brene’s video, The Anatomy of Trust, which is well worth watching, you might ask what generosity has to do with trust. It refers to generosity of spirit. That when someone does or says something that you could take as hurtful, you don’t. Instead, you extend generosity of spirit to that person, and say something like, “you know, what you just said kind of stung, but I know you didn’t mean to sting me, and we’re ok. I just wanted you to know that’s what I was thinking.”

Be generous. Remember that we are all flawed, and we all say and do things that don’t exactly reflect what we want to reflect, and we all accidentally hurt others, and we don’t mean to. It’s a very human flaw.

It’s good to say something, and include the generosity. Why say something? Because it allows growth for both people, to put it on the table.

I know for a fact that I have not always been generous in my thoughts of what people have said. I still have that hyper-vigilance thing going on, where I want to defend myself from all attacks. But sometimes, I’m tilting at windmills, you know? Sometimes what was said was only in jest, or perhaps without a lot of thought, but was not meant to hurt me. There was no evil intent. I was wasting my time fighting something that was never meant to cause me harm. And in the process, hurting others with my accusations.

I think the thought about generosity came to me in the middle of the night because maybe it was just time for me to learn it, to understand it, to see it, to own it. And to realize that I don’t need to take everything that’s ever said with such seriousness.

And maybe it came to me because there are 4 planets in retrograde, or going into retrograde or coming out of retrograde shortly. Who knows? It came when it was supposed to. Lesson learned.

Love and light, everyone.

Some Fundamental Truths Introspection

This morning my FB feed was, thankfully, not all about the antics of our tweeter-in-chief. I am so sick of reading about him, even though I think it’s important that we know what he’s been doing because it will affect all our lives. It’s just nice to have a reprieve from it, and especially on a quiet Sunday morning, to be able to sit and watch a couple of cool, human interest and/or funny videos and read some good articles.

One of my favorites today was from the Huffington Post, titled “10 Fundamental Truths That Will Change Your Life.” Just a list, with a short discussion of each, of things like “You’re living the life you created. (#4), Fear is the #1 source of regret. (#5), Live your life in the moment. (#7), Your self-worth must come from within. (#8), and Change is inevitable – Embrace it. (#10). Not to say that #’s 1, 2, 3, 6, and 9 weren’t just as important. These just stood out to me at the moment. Another day, another list, lol.

I have always said I dislike regrets, I dislike wishing my past was different than it was. Instead of regrets I say they were mistakes, lessons to be learned. Lessons that were not coincidental, but were part of my life’s journey to evolve my soul. Some were difficult, some were easy. But with all of them, it was, is, important to learn the lesson and then to Let It Go. As they said in the Huffington Post article, “No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.” Learn the lesson that has presented itself. Then…put it in the past. And live in the moment. The present moment.

Am I safe? Do I have food to eat? Do I know if any of the terrible things I might think are really true? And if I don’t, was/is there any reason to obsess over them? Not meaning to preach here, just kind of relate a journey which took me from an abusive marriage to a new life in a place that I love, and a close relationship with my family, and friends. 10 years ago, I left that marriage. It was the beginning of creating a new life for myself. I accept that I also had an equal hand in creating the old, fearful and sad one that I lived in for so many years. But do I regret that life? No. I learned some of my most important lessons ever there. And, of course, without it would not have my son. Sometimes I reget that it took me so long to learn the lesson, but….it is what it is. I took as long as I needed, and now at the age of almost 66, I see the benefits of the lessons.

I’m so grateful that others have gone before me on this journey and have shared their wisdom. So greatful for the great teachers of these essential wisdoms who have been put in my path, holding a candle or a floodlight, or sometimes just taking me by the hand and guiding me….whichever was needed for me to see, and comprehend.

I guess that if I were to add a #11, it would be, “Every day find something to be grateful for. Even if it’s just your breath.” Gratitude is probably one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. Even to the point of being grateful for all our hardships, for the lessons we learned from them. Sometimes when I can’t get to sleep, I just start listing in my head all the things I’m grateful for. My son, my family, my friends. The bed that I sleep in, the food in my fridge, the moonlight outside my window, the air that I breathe. I’ve often fallen asleep making that list. It just brings a sense of calm and order, and peace.

Guess I’m doing some introspection this morning, caused by that article. If you want to read the article, here’s the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-fundamental-truths-that-will-change-your-life_us_58dc0459e4b07f61a2bb8ae0?

Love and light, everyone.

Making Sense of My 3 Days of Booming Stats

The other day I mentioned that I had a lot of views on my blog. It went on for 3 days. Sunday 174, Monday 187, today 179. A total of 540 in 3 days, about double my average. It stopped last night late. I went to bed and had about 130 hits, and this morning 140 when I woke up. The rest of the day, the number per hour was normal, so I think whoever it was was done when they went to bed late last night.

People who read my blog regularly know who I think it was. One of two people. Maybe not. I could be wrong.  However, if it’s a new reader who is reading all those blogs, they would normally at least “like” some of them, to let you know that’s why they were reading so many. My “likes” did not increase with the number of views, they were normal.  The views per visitor went from a normal of about 2.5 to 3, up to 11 at one point.

So, I was a little creeped out at first. Wondering why suddenly there was such an interest in what I wrote. Felt like I was being stalked. But as it went on, I realized that someone, anyone, wanting to read my blogs need not creep me out. Someone was searching for answers. I was just recording my life, and my feelings.  After all, it’s a public blog for public consumption.  I mean, we’d all like to have our stats suddenly doubled every day, right?  That’s why we publish our words, and don’t write them out and stick them in a drawer or file them in an anonymous folder on our computers.

I think we all read blogs to share others lives, to learn from others experiences. I know I do. Why would this be any different? Sometimes we all get stuck, can’t figure out what’s happening. We search, wherever we can, to find the answers.  Someone had questions they thought perhaps my blogs could answer.

So, who knows, maybe the answers were given, maybe they were not. I’ll never know. It’s not important to me on a personal level. I write for myself. For no one else. I know sometimes it seems I did, do, but it has always been for me, a way to express myself, to release my concerns, my pain, or my joy to the universe. If a side effect was that my blogs affect others, it’s collateral effect. But never a main one.  And generally, if  a blog helps someone move in a positive direction, then I am happy to have played that role.  When someone comments that they could relate, or learned something, or found a new way to look at a problem, through my words, it is a satisfying collateral effect.

I hope whoever read these many blogs got the answers they wanted, and can go on with their life. Or lives. I hope, if the answers they needed were contained in my blogs, that these answers got where they were needed, and that the end of an era is at hand in my life. And maybe theirs, if I’m right about who the reader(s) were.

My life has been full of drama for almost 2 years. I am so sick of the drama. I’m sick to death of the games that have been played to keep the drama going. It’s addicting, really, that adrenaline rush of drama. Many of you know that. But then at some point, when you are free of it, life becomes so beautiful, without the stress of drama, and the games people play with others lives. That’s where I’m at. I have a rich, full, beautiful life. I have put an end to any drama, and the games, in my life.

Maybe my words in those 540 blogs that were read helped someone else to do that, to end the drama in their lives. I hope that is the result. Even if I’m totally wrong about who read them, I hope that whoever did read them found what they needed to find.

I hope this blog is an end to all of this. I’m moving on, I’ve tried to make that clear. I have no ill will toward anyone, and I really hope that my stats doubling for 3 days gave someone some information, some answers that they needed.  And I want to thank them, for making my blog look good statistically, lol.

Peace out, love and light.

Singing the Song for 2017

It’s New Year’s Eve. Time to reflect, to look forward, to enjoy the moment.

Reflecting….. Last year was a year of huge change for me. Never before have I had so many big changes in my life. Losing my mother. Retiring from a lifetime of work. Moving to Florida, to a completely different way of life. Moving my son away from me to Colorado. Ending a love affair that stopped bringing me pleasure a long time ago, and only brought me pain. And even so, it was a struggle to let go. But let go I finally have, completely.

All these changes were good. Every one of them. Even though I miss my son so much. I know he’s doing well, and happy, and making his own way. Thank God for cell phones, we talk every day. There are new people in my life, new friends, the budding of new relationships that bring a smile to my face.

I don’t deal with winter any more. That is such a blessing to me. I so hated being cold from the middle of October until the middle of April. Dressing in 4 or 5 layers, and still being cold. I hated dealing with snow, and the last few years we had mega amounts of snow up there, with only a few exceptional years. I hated driving in it, keeping the driveway clear and the walk ways, and being housebound.

Now…..when it gets cold here, it’s in the 50’s. And so far, for not more than 2 days, til the temperature creeps back up to the 70’s or 80’s. I can walk every day along the beach. I can see the ocean every day. The water here on the Gulf coast is warm, and calm, and soothing. Usually I am dressed in one layer, and more often than not, it’s shorts, or skorts (the skirts with shorts under them).

To be able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis is such a blessing. We are becoming so close. It has eased the pain of losing our mother last year. We joke all the time about how we channel her for each other. She and I have not lived close to one another since we moved out of the house around age 20. I’m going back there today, invited to her neighbor’s New Year’s Eve party which promises to be a blast, and it’s right across the street!. No driving with the drunks….

The future is looking bright. There is a possibility of a budding relationship. It is moving slowly, at a speed which, while sometimes frustrating for me, is a good thing really. I’m sitting back and let the universe drive the train. It’s fun to feel that way again, and actually have it reciprocated.

Financially I feel secure. Avalon, my home, my place of new beginnings, is coming along. All the big work is now completed. There are some jobs like tree-trimming, putting up a shed, landscaping that need to be done, but they will be done over the next few months.

Mostly, I have given up worry over things I cannot control. I have come to believe that the Universe has a grand design, which we cannot possibly understand in human terms, and that all will work out for the highest good of all. It’s not so much Pollyanna, it’s just that I agree with Marianne Williamson that the universe is self-organizing and self-correcting. It has been the way it’s worked for me, over and over again. I know that many people won’t agree with me, in fact, maybe most. It’s just the way it is from the perspective of my life. Not asking anyone else to believe it.

This year, I think I will try to do more giving back. There are a few things I’ve discovered here which I can get involved with that might make a difference in someone else’s life. I mean, I have such a happy life here. So free of drama and pain, so full of joy. I want to spread that around as much as I can.

Life is for living, for singing a joyful song. I’ve always known that, even though I’ve had a hard time singing so often. Through an abusive marriage, a failed love affair, a long period of terrible financial insecurity, I still always believed I could one day sing the song again.

I’m singing it now. It’s in my head, lol, I still don’t sing in front of people. But those close to me can hear the song. I guess this is why I trust that the universe is on it, organizing and correcting for the higher benefit of all. Because it’s taken me from terrible darkness, to the sunlight of Florida.

Love and light, everyone. Have a Happy New Year!

Flashback

A blast from the past. I don’t watch much TV. I turn it on in the evening, and often pay no attention to it. It’s just for the noise.

Tonight I’m watching the news, which is something even more rare than watching at all. I hate the news. At least, network news. But tonight there was a story about the CT Supreme Court reversing the decision on Michael Skakel and sending him back to prison for the murder of Martha Moxley. They showed the Supreme Court Room, and boy, did that bring me back to some difficult, yet triumphant memories.

December 2, 2010, exactly 2 years after the first day of our trial in Superior Court. More than 3 1/2 years since I had left my ex.  2 years since my son had come to live with me.  I remember sitting as a spectator, because that’s where the actual parties to the cases sit, in that auspicious room. The pomp and circumstance was palpable. Classrooms of students from local colleges filed in to watch the proceedings. The officer in charge of the courtroom gives all of us instructions. There was not an empty seat. Classrooms have to book it way ahead of time. The Supreme Court hears 2 cases a day. I had been waiting for 2 years to be heard. Two years from the 3 day trial my ex and I had, as he attempted to make sure I got less than 10% of the estate from a 32 year marriage. He lost that first Superior Court decision. He appealed, and then requested to have the appeal raised from the Appellate Court to the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, every asset from our 32 year marriage, every dime, was in his possession.  I had a paycheck.  That was it.  (And just for added stress, my son was in a bad car accident 4 days before, broke his ankle, totaled 2 cars.  Of course the man with all the money did not contribute one cent to the deductible for his health insurance, or on a replacement car.)

7 chairs at the bench in the front. Like 7 thrones. The people who sat there would decide my future. I hoped they were just, I hoped they could see the truth about what had been done to me. Each atty gets a certain amount of time to make their case. My son’s GAL (guardian ad litum) sat with my attorney, to help her if needed. Because, he got it. It took him awhile, but he finally got it, and for the last year, and during our initial trial sat on my side. When my atty made her case, she didn’t even need all the time allotted. The judge in our Superior Court decision could see my ex coming 100 miles away, and did a ton of research for us, since there was no law regarding our issue. He wrote 7 pages, citing cases in other states. It was all in our brief, not much needed to be said. The point was that for him to prevail would have done a grave injustice, I think is what it said.

The justices argued with my ex’s atty. Not mine at all. They had some questions, but not many. They had a lot of questions of my ex’s and some actually argued with him, telling him that what the judge did, he was supposed to do.

In the end, I won. The decision was released April 18, 1 day before my 60th birthday. I had been secretly asking the Universe to give me the decision for a birthday present. Really.

They called my ex “unconscionable” 9 times in their lengthy decision. Unanimously.

And, my case made case law in CT. No one will ever be able to do to their spouse what he tried to do to me again. That makes me proud, really. And really, eases some of the pain of waiting 4 years to finally be free of that man.

A couple of years later, a Yale 1st year law student contacted my atty. His first assignment of the year in contract law had been to write a brief on my case, and could he come and see her for about an hour, and see some of the files. Imagine that. My case, my 4 year struggle ended up being a case which Yale University used to teach contract law.

I could go on, about how my life changed that 60th birthday. How I went house hunting, and bought my dream house, and later segued that house into this lovely life I now have in Florida. How I didn’t even consider having a date until I was moved into my new house. I hadn’t wanted to embroil anyone else in that mess. I learned that avoidance of something doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. I fell in love with someone who devastated me emotionally as badly, if not worse, than my ex did as he tried to separate my son from me, and hurt me financially. What my ex never did to me, my first love after divorce did. No need to expound on that. It’s all in the pages of this blog. I’m pretty cautious now.

Funny what just a flash of one picture can bring back.

Love and light everyone.

Just Wondering, WTF Was I Thinking?

wtf

I guess that phantom phone call got me thinking, about WTF I was thinking for so long….

It seems long ago now, suddenly. How much I loved a man, and how much I was betrayed. What strikes me this morning is I am trying to fathom what I was thinking, then. To love someone so much who will never love anyone but themselves. And that, only superficially.

I say superficially because this man doesn’t love himself enough to behave in ways that make him proud. He doesn’t love himself enough to take care of himself. He doesn’t do the things in a relationship that take care of it. He only makes sure he is getting his needs met, which translates to getting his ego fed. If he meets the needs of the other person, it is as part of trying to get his needs met, it’s not out of genuine care and concern. And I think that’s true across the board for him. I think he may use different ploys for different people, but it remains the truth. I’ve watched him.  I’ve also watched him pursue behaviors that result in reinforcing his low self esteem, setting himself up so he can say, “see, it’s all I deserve.  I’m a bad person.”

So anyway, I’m just wondering now, with all this time passed, WTF I was thinking? I’m not angry, I don’t dislike him. I have said over and over I will always love him, and, well, I guess I will. But I love everyone, or try to. Him no more or less than anyone else at the moment. But what I was thinking? IDK, do you think when you’re in love? He had lots of lovable qualities, I guess. The first being that he could make me laugh. He was funny, creative, smart. We had a wonderful physical connection. But he was completely self absorbed. When push came to shove it was always him first. He treated me so badly at times, and I just kept coming back for more, believing that he just needed experience unconditional love.

I guess the distance between us now, the physical distance has given me some perspective. I guess that move has enabled me to meet men who are funny, creative, smart, AND kind, gentle, loving, and generous. Men who try to take care of themselves and their loved ones. Men who squeeze your hand when they’re happy, sitting at a table with you. Men who behave in ways that will keep drama out of their lives, and people in.

Since I believe that our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls, I guess he was another life lesson for me. Now, far enough away from it, the complete lesson is coming into focus. At least part of it is, I think, to know that I can love that passionately, that fiercely, that deeply. That’s a good thing to know. He was practice. I’m sure there’s a man here who can match my ability to love, and celebrate it.

I suppose, based on the phantom phone call dream, that the connection we have had will remain, but will probably remain dormant. It originates on a level I can’t really comprehend, and will most likely always be there, but will not take over my life anymore. Life is for living in the present moment. His journey is his now, and mine is mine, and the paths have diverged far apart. That’s the present moment.

Glad to be moved on from all that. Stomach bug and car accident not withstanding, I’m very happy with the move I’ve made. It was 85 yesterday and I was at the beach. Not dressed in multiple layers and still shivering, lamenting the fact that I was burning up a ton of fuel oil. Yep, life is good, and exactly what I’ve dreamed of.

Love and light, all.