Tag Archives: Lessons

Flashback

Posted on by learning to live like water

A blast from the past. I don’t watch much TV. I turn it on in the evening, and often pay no attention to it. It’s just for the noise.

Tonight I’m watching the news, which is something even more rare than watching at all. I hate the news. At least, network news. But tonight there was a story about the CT Supreme Court reversing the decision on Michael Skakel and sending him back to prison for the murder of Martha Moxley. They showed the Supreme Court Room, and boy, did that bring me back to some difficult, yet triumphant memories.

December 2, 2010, exactly 2 years after the first day of our trial in Superior Court. More than 3 1/2 years since I had left my ex.  2 years since my son had come to live with me.  I remember sitting as a spectator, because that’s where the actual parties to the cases sit, in that auspicious room. The pomp and circumstance was palpable. Classrooms of students from local colleges filed in to watch the proceedings. The officer in charge of the courtroom gives all of us instructions. There was not an empty seat. Classrooms have to book it way ahead of time. The Supreme Court hears 2 cases a day. I had been waiting for 2 years to be heard. Two years from the 3 day trial my ex and I had, as he attempted to make sure I got less than 10% of the estate from a 32 year marriage. He lost that first Superior Court decision. He appealed, and then requested to have the appeal raised from the Appellate Court to the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, every asset from our 32 year marriage, every dime, was in his possession.  I had a paycheck.  That was it.  (And just for added stress, my son was in a bad car accident 4 days before, broke his ankle, totaled 2 cars.  Of course the man with all the money did not contribute one cent to the deductible for his health insurance, or on a replacement car.)

7 chairs at the bench in the front. Like 7 thrones. The people who sat there would decide my future. I hoped they were just, I hoped they could see the truth about what had been done to me. Each atty gets a certain amount of time to make their case. My son’s GAL (guardian ad litum) sat with my attorney, to help her if needed. Because, he got it. It took him awhile, but he finally got it, and for the last year, and during our initial trial sat on my side. When my atty made her case, she didn’t even need all the time allotted. The judge in our Superior Court decision could see my ex coming 100 miles away, and did a ton of research for us, since there was no law regarding our issue. He wrote 7 pages, citing cases in other states. It was all in our brief, not much needed to be said. The point was that for him to prevail would have done a grave injustice, I think is what it said.

The justices argued with my ex’s atty. Not mine at all. They had some questions, but not many. They had a lot of questions of my ex’s and some actually argued with him, telling him that what the judge did, he was supposed to do.

In the end, I won. The decision was released April 18, 1 day before my 60th birthday. I had been secretly asking the Universe to give me the decision for a birthday present. Really.

They called my ex “unconscionable” 9 times in their lengthy decision. Unanimously.

And, my case made case law in CT. No one will ever be able to do to their spouse what he tried to do to me again. That makes me proud, really. And really, eases some of the pain of waiting 4 years to finally be free of that man.

A couple of years later, a Yale 1st year law student contacted my atty. His first assignment of the year in contract law had been to write a brief on my case, and could he come and see her for about an hour, and see some of the files. Imagine that. My case, my 4 year struggle ended up being a case which Yale University used to teach contract law.

I could go on, about how my life changed that 60th birthday. How I went house hunting, and bought my dream house, and later segued that house into this lovely life I now have in Florida. How I didn’t even consider having a date until I was moved into my new house. I hadn’t wanted to embroil anyone else in that mess. I learned that avoidance of something doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. I fell in love with someone who devastated me emotionally as badly, if not worse, than my ex did as he tried to separate my son from me, and hurt me financially. What my ex never did to me, my first love after divorce did. No need to expound on that. It’s all in the pages of this blog. I’m pretty cautious now.

Funny what just a flash of one picture can bring back.

Love and light everyone.

Leaving

Posted on by learning to live like water

leaving

Asking for strength
To get through the next days.
Friends buoy me,
Mark my channel.
Keep me centered
Grounded,
In the flow.

Looking back at my life
Here
for so many years.
Easy to have regrets
But I balk at regrets.
Lessons, not regrets.
Things I needed to learn
To grow my soul.

In the end,
I have loved,
much more than
I have hated.
I have laughed
More than I’ve cried.
Joy has filled
What pain tried to take away.

So young when I came here
Just legal age.
I leave 44 years later
The largest part of my life behind me.
At least, of this life.
Time for change,
For the next great adventure.

Love and light.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Better Things Await

Posted on by learning to live like water

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

Thoughts on Compassion

Posted on by learning to live like water

thich nhat hanh compassion quotes

It seems that winter has hit the northeast USA today.  It is cold, but not unseasonably so.  It’s just hovering around freezing.  But that’s the problem, it’s precipitating, and it’s sleet, not snow.  Frozen pellets falling from the sky.

Thankfully, I don’t have to work.  Thankfully it’s supposed to change to rain by late morning.  However, I had a dental appointment at 8 AM for a crown, which I just canceled.  To get there I have to drive over a huge hill, in some places it would be called a small mountain.  And there are accidents galore on the highways this morning.  I’m guessing that getting out of my driveway would be challenging.  So, now I have to wait to get this crown done.  I hope the tooth does not fall apart in the meantime.

I still am waiting to hear from the vet for an appointment for Maggie.  I called them late last evening, so I’m guessing they will call back this morning.

So, I’m home for the morning anyway.  I think I may make some jewelry.  I have so many lovely stones I can wire-wrap.  I need to use that part of my brain for awhile.  It will refresh my outlook on things.  Give me some perspective. 

Tomorrow I’m going to see Joy  with Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, and Robert DeNiro with a few of my friends, and get a bite to eat.  Looking forward to it.  Although, I may have to take Maggie to the vet tomorrow also.  If I don’t get an appointment tomorrow, I’ll have to wait til next week, I doubt that it would get done New Year’s Eve. 

I did a guided meditation on Forgiveness this morning.  I chose that one, because I felt I was slipping backwards a bit.  I know from the experience with my ex-husband that the only way I can move forward and truly let go of the past is to forgive.  I see my ex now as the flawed damaged person he is, who is still seeking the unconditional love, though he doesn’t believe in it, and in his damaged psyche, doesn’t believe he deserves it.  Which is how, in my heart, I see Scott too. 

I know too much about both men, I know what their lives were like as children, I know the struggles they went through.  I know my ex’s from experience, from almost 40 years of living with his extended family and seeing the dysfunction in action.  I know Scott’s experience from what he told me.  I believe it to be true, because his actions, and his relationships with his sister and his mother bear the stories out. 

When I know this, and see this, I have to feel compassion.  I don’t have to feel love in the way that I did, I don’t have to want to be with them, but I have to feel compassion.  I am just more comfortable that way. 

I believed with Scott that if I loved him unconditionally, as he had never been, it would eventually bring him around.  That was my Pollyanna side, because one person’s unconditional love for that time was not going to be enough to undo years of conditioning.  It was my naivete.  I was coming off of the power it had to give my son strength, but my son had my unconditional love for his whole life, and had a frame of reference.  Scott had none, and so, had no reason to believe that it was real, that I was not just naive and stupid.  In hindsight, he had affection for me, but it was very mixed with his own self-centered self-absorbed desires, and needs.  He is a typical child of an abusive dysfunctional household. 

My ex’s childhood was similar, with different twists.  I know first hand how verbally and emotionally abusive his father could be, because I worked for him for 20 years, before we bought the business, and he visited it upon me a few times. I also know how his mother passively endorsed the abuse, while professing love for her children. It was not until I left that marriage that I learned about abuse, that I even realized there was a name for what I lived through.  I found an online community of over 8000 members, and I remember reading their posts, thinking “Oh My God!  There are OTHER people who have lived with this!  There’s  NAME for what he did to me!”  I remained very active in that community for at least 5 years.  I went in naive, I came out with an education.  The friends I made there are still some of my closest friends.  We still call on each other as our children deal with the repercussions of abuse.

Combine this education, with embarking on a spiritual path, to regain my sense of self, to rediscover who I was when I left my marriage.  Because when you live with abuse, you end up spending 24/7 just trying to keep the peace.  Just trying to stay a step ahead of the abuser, to protect yourself and your kids.  You try to become what they want, so they will be happy.  Of course, they always change what they want, the minute you achieve it, so that you never know what’s going to come at you.  A true honest mind-fuck of the first degree.

I began to recognize the same pattern with Scott, with his push pull game.  The same thing, in a different form. Which is why I kept trying to break up with him, but was unable to let go.  Until, it’s all I could do to save myself.

I cleansed my pendulums this morning with white sage and asked some very pointed questions.  I got what I believe are real answers, and I’m going to try to follow the path that they put me on. They were questions and answers about dealing with these issues with compassion.  Both men and the issues still come into my head way too much, and I don’t want to fear them, I don’t want to hate them, I don’t want to feel angry. 

There was something for me to learn in both situations, and I think, something for me to teach.  If the student refuses the lesson, that’s not my problem.  I think I’ve learned mine.  I’m open to them, and to any that are still hanging out there for me to learn.

I sense that my ex has been humbled.  Not completely, but he is sounding more like he’s reaching out, that he misses having some communication with someone who knows him.  That’s a good thing.  I won’t get caught in his web again, but it’s possible that now that he’s lost everything, and I mean everything….he can be a little vulnerable, because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I’m not jumping in, but neither will I be afraid to communicate with him.

Scott, I don’t sense much from.  I think he’s closed whatever small opening he had in his heart that would have allowed love to enter and to extend from him.  I do sense though, that perhaps he’s doing what I suggested, and taking some time to re-evaluate the way he lives.  He’s not doing this because I suggested it, he’s doing it because in his mind he’s lost everything too.  He’s heading into his final years, when he should be retiring, and enjoying life with people he loves, but he’s all alone.  His ploy to keep people in his life based on deception didn’t work.  So I hope he’s going to go within, and try to find his own light.  I still can see that soul, I still can see his light. I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my feelings for him:  love, hate, anger, compassion, longing, repulsion….. 

At the end of the day, I have to go with compassion, because it’s my comfort zone.  It’s what I believe in my heart to be the only way to move forward.  My pendulums seem to concur with that. 

One thing I learned in the abuse community was that hurt people hurt people.  I am no exception.  When each of these men hurt me, I hurt them back.  My words with Scott, while true….were scathing. My actions with my ex, while necessary for my survival and my son’s, blindsided him.  I make no apologies, really, because Scott devastated me, I had to release that pain.  My ex was on a quest to steal my soul…my son…my breath.  If I didn’t leave him we both would have died, literally…because the dysfunction was truly affecting our health.  My son would have never seen that there is a different way to live, he would have been doomed to repeat what he did not understand.

Lord, I did not expect this blog to go here.  But it did, and that’s the reason I write mostly.  To work things out, to express things that I am trying to understand, and in the expression to find the understanding.  If you made it this far, thank you. 

Love and light.

 

 

 

Stardust Connection

Posted on by learning to live like water

We-Are-Stardust

It’s another weird late December morning.  It will reach 60° again today, though it looks like the last warm day.  The world is shrouded in fog, and my head too is a little foggy from the late night last night and the wine.  It’s a peaceful kind of foggy though.

No pressure today, no ghosts of the past filling me with longing this morning.  Nor the demons of shame, or guilt, for my part in what happened.  I loved, that’s all.  I loved deeply, intensely, without limit, beyond reason.  I don’t now, I will again. And today, I will let it go at that.

It’s easy to see our flaws when we look backward.  It’s easy to chastise ourselves.  But why?  We are all the same thing, the universe manifesting itself through us.  We are here to evolve, to grow, to learn.  Bitterness will take away the beauty of the lessons we learn.  I choose to hold them dear to my heart, so that as the future unfolds, greater joy will come into it because I didn’t waste the lessons.  I didn’t waste the time.

Like my current favorite teacher Brene Brown says, (and I am paraphrasing), we are hard-wired for struggle, we come into this life that way.  But we are also, from the moment of our conception and for no reason other than we exist, worthy of love and belonging.

I have read  a few blogs this morning about shame, our personal shame, and how excruciating it is.  Let me say, that verbalizing the shame, and not burying it, is the only way through it.  Allow others to feel empathy for us, because empathy is the death of shame.  Iyanla Van Zant says those things that we bury do not die.  They rot and they fester and they will make us sick.

I believe in putting our shameful experiences out there.  I believe in sending the energy to the universe, and that the universe, as a loving parent of us all, will atone, and make right what we did.  I believe that in owning our stories, we gain strength, and perspective, and understanding and compassion.  More importantly, we also make connection possible.

Shame isolates us.  Owning our stories, and letting go of the shame connects us.  To feel isolated, is to feel separate from others.  How can we be separate, when we are all created from the same stardust?   Shame, and isolation is us not believing we are worthy.

We are.  Each and everyone of us.

 

 

Settling Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sunrise 11-07-15

Sunrise from my deck

Feeling peaceful this morning.  It was week full of turmoil, but has ended ahead of where it started, emotionally.  It started with me missing S last Sunday, and making the mistake of telling him.  It opened the door to him telling me to come see him then, the minute she walked out his door. Which led to raw emotions, again, and to ugliness between us.  It led to me having to cut him off completely in order to move forward.  Which led to the dream (I don’t know what else to call it, but it was way more than a dream)….which freaked me out, but then made me realize that I had let him go, energetically, that I could do it at my most vulnerable.  Not saying it wasn’t hard, and didn’t hurt, but I did it, for me.

I was so concerned with the lesson.  I think it was the balance of the Unconditional Love lesson, that we have to extend that love to ourselves, first.  We have to be strong enough to let go of those things that hurt us, that no longer serve us, even if we love them.

So, now I follow my own advice for the moment and will go where the love is.  Which leads me to some peace this morning, starting with the beautiful sunrise. Peaceful in the sense that I can think things through, without angst.

A and I will talk this weekend about Christmas break this weekend.  He wanted to last night but it was too late for me, I was too tired.  It deserves more attention than that.  I am conflicted, to say the least.  I would rather he came here, he might be open to it, because his house is getting gutted, and there’s a good chance it won’t be done by then anyway.  I’m still uncertain about the long term implications, but I think that I need to just let what happens happen.  I love him enough to spend 5 days with him.  I know he won’t make me sorry.  My only issue is guilt that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me, but I’m not that far off.  I think it’s the distance that keeps me from engaging my heart more.  But I’m not even sure about that.

Am I just being lazy, accepting what is here, in front of me, offering me unconditional love, but without the passion that I crave?  Am I just being impatient?  Is it just that my defenses are down?  I love the relationship I have with him at the moment, would I ruin that with expectation on his part if I do this? Because I don’t want to commit to a long distance relationship… And I don’t want the perception of friends with benefits, because we are way more than friends, we have been lovers in the past…

God I don’t know. Sometimes I think I should just be celibate until I find the passion I crave.

I hope the psychic calls me back today.

The weekends have been so hard for me since S dumped me so easily.  Last weekend I made it til Sunday morning. I hope I can get through Sunday this week, without being hit by a rogue wave.  Even if I get knocked down, I won’t reach out…I’m sure of that.  He is growing fainter in my psyche.  I ignore his messages, the ones I feel, (there aren’t any others) more easily now, they are always the same. And only lead to more pain.

I am beginning to feel that he stopped reading my blog, I’m hoping. But I’ve thought that before, and was surprised to find out he still read them.  It doesn’t really matter, I don’t have to deal with his emotions over them, unless he visits me in a dream again.

Just thoughts, emotions settling out.  Time to get the day underway.

Love and light.

Turning the Love Inward

Posted on by learning to live like water

Letting go?  Have I really done it?  For the last month, I have thought I had many times, then a wave would wash over me, I would remember his cruelty in the way he dumped me, I would be so jealous that he was with her.  The pain would try once again to drown me. I don’t know, this is different.

I just don’t care.

And I can still say, as in the poster I have on my last blog, that I love the 100 things about him still, and always will.  I feel affection for the memories and the man, I just don’t feel the pain.  I am ready, and moving, on.

Whatever that dream was….I am sure it allowed me to energetically let go, which is what I HAD to do. Our connection has always been so energetic, more than any other way.  I don’t feel the pull.  I don’t feel wrapped up in his energetic energy cords.  My body, my heart, my soul, once again are free to shine.

I still have him blocked, for the time being I will leave it that way.  This is our last text.  You will see how juvenile it is…

last text

When I blocked him, I wasn’t even mad. I was just sick of it.  Sick of the juvenile conversation.  Sick of the bullshit, of listening (or reading) him say whatever was convenient, whatever he thought would change my mind.  Or, having to deal with his anger when I didn’t change my mind, and put the truth in front of him. This conversation had gone on for the entire month since he let Betty Boop back into his life.  I didn’t tell  him I’d call the police because I was afraid, but because I didn’t want to give him any way to access me. I needed it to stop, fully and finally.  It was over.  He pretended to end it, the day he chose her, but he couldn’t really let go.  So I finished it off.

Four days later, as if because there was no other way, he came into my dream, trying to still convince me, continuing the conversation.  Telling him then, in the midst of love-making, to leave….and standing my ground, surprises and now, delights me.  Delights me, because I took my life back, when I was the most vulnerable, I was still strong.  I let go.

I want it to remain finished, so I will leave him blocked.

And I will become stronger and stronger. My light will get brighter and brighter, until it dazzles the man I’m looking for.

Feeling my happy self this morning, the way I was 2 years ago, before he showed up in my life, to teach me this lesson.

The lesson, that I am worthy of love and belonging, that no one can make me feel otherwise.  That people all have free will, to learn their lessons or not.  To set themselves up to repeat them over and over, til they choose to learn them, or to learn them quickly, and move forward.  In the grand scope of things, I am not unsatisfied with the length of time it took me to get this lesson.  It was important.  Unconditional love is not just for others.  It’s for ourselves too.  First.  I loved myself enough to let go.

Rogue Waves

Posted on by learning to live like water

i have been trying to explain to A for over an hour why I have backed away.  Not because I don’t love him, but because I am healing.  Because I need to sort out my emotions, because I need answers as to why I set myself up for such a fall.  He doesn’t get it.  He’s one of those, snap-out-of-it kind of guys.  Oh man, if only it was so easy.  If only I didn’t have deep dark questions about myself.

I don’t know if I want to engage in a long distance relationship with him.  At all.  Let alone when my heart is still in pieces, my trust in myself is shot.  My understanding of what is has been flipped over, and upside down, and is still righting itself.

I told A I have a blog, all this time he didn’t know.  But I told him no one has the link to it, because it would cause me to censor what I write.  That was not true, S has the link.  I regret every day that he has it.  It caused so many problems in our relationship, and it prevented me, at times, from writing what I felt.  Now, I try to write imagining that he doesn’t read it, because I need this outlet for myself.  If he can’t contact me, then I won’t ever know if he read it or not.  I don’t care, as long as I don’t have to deal with his emotions over it. But I vowed no one else would ever get the link that knew me.  So I could keep the purity of what I write as coming from my heart.

Last I talked to S, on Monday, he was still reading them.  I shake my head….why would he?  Maybe he’s afraid I’ll tell some of his deep dark secrets.  I won’t.  Geezus.  I won’t.  I also know he misses me, and wants to know what I’m up to.  I hope that will go away if we never communicate.  I hope I will stop missing him too.

I feel bad that A is unsettled by me again.  I may lose him….that would be awful. I didn’t shut him out, I just don’t want to be intimate at the moment.  I have to heal, I have to get the connection with S out of my psyche.  I tried to explain about learning lessons from the hard things we go through. A said, “he has nothing to teach you.”  He doesn’t get it, what it is I need to do.  It was frustrating, to me, to have him try to get me to change how I feel.  Because he loves me.  He doesn’t want to lose me.  Again. He wants me to come see him, to stay with him.  To make love to him.  I’m not ready to do that with anyone.

I feel what I feel.  Geezus.  I’ve been on this journey for a long time.  I will honor what I feel, I will have the hard conversations.  But I won’t be deterred.

It was a hard day anyway.  My job is ridiculous, totally get stressed out there.  For the next 10 days I’m covering 2 desks, and my own desk is keeping me there at least 9 hrs every day.  Then I am dealing with the roller coaster of emotions still, from S.  They are like a stormy sea, they are calming.  I have been boating in some seas where when you look up, all you see around you is water, and a small patch of sky.  That’s where it was.  The patch of sky is bigger now, but the seas are still rough.  Every once in a while a 50 ft wave knocks me down and dismasts me.  Rogue waves. From a rogue.

From  Merriam-Webster:  Rogue.  A vagrant, a tramp . a dishonest or worthless person.  A scoundrel.

Rogue waves. Still riding them.

Tuesday Night Rumble with the Chaos

Posted on by learning to live like water

This morning I was laying in bed at 4:45 AM.  Awake.  I realized, laying there, that while I was awake, I could not identify the exact moment I woke up.  Like when you gradually turn on the lights that have a dimmer, not knowing or recognizing when they are fully on.  It was kind of odd…..To find myself awake and not know when I had achieved the state of wakefulness.

When I finally looked at the time and saw it was so early, I tried to go back to sleep.  No go.  I finally got up at 5:10.

So, that’s kind of what happens when you fall in love, well sometimes.  I mean, I’m sure there are times people know the exact moment they fell in love.  But I think more often, it’s a gradual process.  Holding back less and less, through time, until you’re not holding back at all.  It’s not always a conscious thought or decision.

I wish it was, because I would not have chosen to love someone who couldn’t love me back.  I will be more conscious in the future.  I am being more conscious.

A wants me to come visit him when I am off between Christmas and New Years.  I would like to see him, at times I’d love to see him.  But I don’t want to rush into it, I am still healing.  Not grieving anymore, but healing.  And I don’t want to hurt A again, I did that once because S drew me in, away from A, I think just to prove he could.  Once, I just disappeared, again for S, but not at his request, so I could focus on that relationship with no distraction.

I promised A I would not disappear again.  I would love to snuggle up with him.  I would love to feel his love, his warmth,  He treats me like gold.  He loves me…..I love him but he’s always way ahead of me.  I love him, as a man, as a person. He has stood by me, and never let me down.  But I want passion….maybe it’s possible, but I don’t feel it now.

Still healing. Still walking that thin line.  But strong in my conviction not to talk, or contact, or allow contact.  That’s just a waste of time.  I need to focus on what makes me attracted to men like S and my ex. Totally afraid to put themselves out there.  Just full of fear, so they close the door, they hide themselves so they can’t be seen.  Why men like this, when I am so willing to get into the arena, and be seen?  Why not A, who is available, sweet, loving, kind, so willing to put himself out there, and let me see him.  He tells me every day he loves me, and shows me….  I need to lean into the discomfort, and “rumble” with what’s going on with me, as Brene Brown says.

I am reading a book by Rebecca Rosen for book club, “Awaken the Spirit Within.”  She is a medium, well known.  Two books.  She said that 1000’s of spirits, in her work as a medium, have told her the same thing.  That we contract with the universe for the lessons we are coming here to learn for our soul’s spiritual evolution.  She says that the people who give us the hardest emotional time, are our teachers.  She says if we contract to learn these lessons, but instead of doing the work to learn them, and understand them, choose the easy way out, and don’t learn them, we will have to, at some point come back and have another go at it.

This idea floored me, but I can see it’s validity.  I learned so much through the experience with my ex.  The one with S, I am still rumbling with…I still have a load of pain from the hurt he delivered to work through.  It’s not that I want him anymore, far from it.  I would have to be stupid to want to go back there.  But the hurt of the betrayal, the dismissal, being thrown out like the trash….will take some time to heal over. I think I’m looking or exterior validation that I didn’t deserve it.   I’m guessing therein is at least part of my lesson, once I can work through that.  Many questions surrounding that hurt…and all of them point to me, for allowing it to happen, for opening the door to it.  And also, the  healing has to come from within.  S was my teacher for this lesson, because he’s the one who was in the relationship with me that caused so much pain.  His soul is the one teaching me to love myself, because not everyone else can or will.  He’s learning his own lessons, whatever they are.  (This also tied in to my belief that we knew each other before we were born. I felt like I knew him before we even met, strongly.)  He told me every woman in his life has screwed him over.  I don’t think, when all is said and done, he can include me in that equation.  I gave him more than he wanted, but I didn’t screw him over.  Though he may see it differently, I don’t know, and don’t really care.  Just sayin’, I try not to do that to people.  But..the two men I have loved the most in my life, have screwed me over.

Rebecca Rosen says if we don’t learn the lesson, it will just keep repeating itself until we do.  So…I didn’t fully learn it from my ex, so enter S….  I am determined to discover, uncover, and deal with the lesson this time.  Truth be told, with my ex, I rumbled with it.  I didn’t take the easy way, I rumbled with him and won my freedom and my son’s, and my life.  I saw it through to the end.

Then again, maybe there are 2 different, but related lessons.  I have always thought that with my ex, the lesson was the power of unconditional love.  I still believe that.  I believed it so much, that I was fearless about loving S that way.  I just believed in the end, that it was irresistible.  Apparently it’s not, lol.

I haven’t been able to rumble with the discomfort from S for more than a few days at a time.  I feel different now, I’m sure I can, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.  It means I’m determined to value myself, and my life, enough not to slip back into something that would only bring me more pain, and cause me to dislike myself, and disrespect myself.

Poor S, doesn’t understand how I can love him and miss him but not want to ever see him again. Because he compartmentalized his relationships, my relationship with him should be unaffected by his relationship with another woman. That’s his journey, his lesson to to figure out. Maybe.  Not my problem, I have enough of my own. I digress anyway.  The passion I had for him is dying, in relation to him.  Because I love the passion and the love, though, I’m going to find out the answers, and open the door to the real thing.  A loving passionate relationship for the 3rd act of my life.

Rambling.  Tuesday night rambling, looking for answers, and lessons.