The Benefits of Detachment

Sometimes the love just comes back around.
The passion rises high
And spins my head
And my heart.
Puts a smile on my face,
To remember how it was
How it felt.

Happiness for what was
In my life.
And for what is, now.
Embracing the moment
With my whole heart.

Detachment
At first a scary idea.
Now, a peaceful one.
Life is happier
With no attachment
To outcomes
No expectations.
Joy in each moment.

Let people,
Relationships
Fly on their own.
No need to force anything
Anymore.
No need to pull to me
What resists.
No need to hunt down
That which I don’t have.
If it’s meant to be
It will be.

Everything that happens to us
Brings us to where we are.
Do you like where you are?
It’s yours to keep,
Or change.

No expectations
No attachment.
Only love for myself
And those in my life.
Love always, and all ways.

By Deborah E. Dayen

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Better Things Await

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

Unwelcome Solitude

 

feelings

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  I was tired, I did my normal things, I shut my light out and expected to go off.  But an hour later I lay there, wide awake.

Maybe part of it was that Addie had a date last night.  I am not, was not jealous.  In fact, I am happy for him, because he deserves to find someone who can fall in love with him and I know it’s not me.  But I missed our nightly conversation, I missed him saying goodnight….

But the thing was that I just felt alone.  Really, bone chilling, heart wrenching alone. Sometimes I am happy that way, in fact, most of the time, I’m just fine with it.  But last night, I was just sick of it. Sick of walking through this life alone, sick of being so responsible for everything.  Like the house….it is sometimes overwhelming to think about getting it in shape to sell, and even moreso to think about packing up and moving a long way away.  But I’m going to do it.  Just wish I didn’t have to do everything, every single thing alone.

I even got mad at Scott again, I wrote a poem that started out, “Why did you have to turn out to be such a shit?”  LOL. Actually, writing that helped me finally get to sleep, lol.  But I don’t think I’ll publish it.  I was allowing myself to feel way too sorry for myself, and blaming him for my solitude.  Well, yeah, he is culpable, but not completely.  I chose to love him despite every red flag, even many out of his own mouth.  My mother used to say, “No one can tell you anything…..”. LOL.  Yes, I’m way too independent for my own good at times.

Last night was one of those times.  My independence had me alone, and I wasn’t happy about it.  This morning…I am fine with it, lol.  I have a lot to do today.  Have to get to the store, I have to make cookies to take to a cookie swap, and will be with people I love and who love me tonight.

Feelings pass.  We have to learn to honor them, to let ourselves feel them, and sooner or later, we move on to a different place.  I finally slept, maybe about 5 or 6 hours which is about average anyway.  I have to consciously change my course and open my heart to all the possibilities.  Again.

Just some introspective musings this Saturday morning. Love and light to all.