Pondering Mindfulness

were-not-held-back

Perusing my FB page this morning, I came across a mindfulness program, which lasts a year, for $27 a month. There were great teachers in the program. If I was rich I might consider it. But I’m not. So I won’t buy it, though I did sign up for a free video.

I will though, try to focus on being more mindful. More present in the moment. More in tune to the world around me. Instead of spending a lot of time focusing on what I want it to be, I will try to accept it the way it is.

Now, acceptance and approval are two different things. I can still work for change, and I think right now it’s important to do that, with a mentally ill president and a bunch of fools around him buying into his power and control thing. But it’s like the riptide, you gotta swim with it, accepting that you are in a riptide, and then swim out of it. Fighting the fact that the riptide is what is, could kill you.  It’s what Brene Brown calls “leaning into the discomfort.”

I have found myself so angry at what’s been going on. Angry enough it made me almost get into arguments with people who even agreed with me, because I felt they weren’t understanding it enough. And they were, they were as angry as me. It is easy to make that step, and it’s only a step, from anger to hate. And hate is never where I want to be.

So, first I must practice extending love. Teach with love, react with compassion. Find joy in the day even though. When I find myself ready to make that step from anger to hate, my foot poised above the step, I know then I have to take some time to myself, to remember who I am, what my purpose here is, and count my blessings. Again.

For instance, I read an article from the NYTimes, or maybe Washington Post, explaining how tRump and his policy wonks are gaslighting us. And I know they are, I have been gaslighted by my own husband and it’s terrifying when you realize someone is trying to make you feel crazy. Then I read another, from one of those two prestigious papers, telling how husbands are far more deadly than terrorists in this country.

And knowing that, I need to still find joy in the day. I sit on my sisters porch, I wave at her neighbors out for their morning walk. I listen to the birds, and smell the salt air, and feel the breeze gently caressing me. I have spent a week with my two sisters, and I know I am so blessed, there is so much to feel blessed about.

All I’m saying is, be mindful of your blessings, as well as of the things that need changing in this world. When it’s time to fight for the common good, fight. When it’s time to sit back and know the world is indeed a beautiful place, sit back and be grateful. Feel the gratitude for everything you can think of. Family, friends, the food in your fridge, the air you breathe. Gratitude.

I truly believe that love is the only power that can cure this world. Hate begets more hate, anger begets more anger, fear begets more fear. And love begets more love.

Like Marianne Williamson said, in The Return to Love, “We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.” I will try to mindfully react to things by extending love. More.

Love and light, all…..

Not Foolish, nor Destined to Repeat the Past :-)

The sun was almost up when I awoke this morning. Daybreak had broken, the eastern sky was alight. I slept the sleep of the dead last night. I didn’t go anywhere, both of my friends who were going to go to the artwalk with me were sick. One with a cold, the other with a migraine. As it turned out I fell asleep on my couch from 5 to 6, and then stayed up late because I wasn’t tired.

I was in quite a mood last night, and yesterday, with those poems I wrote, Foolishness and Destined. Today my waking mind was in a far more indifferent place. It is always therapeutic lean in to that discomfort when it shows up, to write those feelings out, and send them out to the universe.

This morning I’m out on my deck, sipping my coffee under the canopy of the banyan tree in my nightgown, feeling quite content. I am still seeking a love that can last, but have no regrets over the past, nor really any attachment to it. Just moving forward, and expect what will come will come when it’s supposed to, if it’s supposed to. In the meantime I have friends and family here that I love and who love me, and a wonderful life. There is no reason to feel bitterness or angst.

And who knows? I had a short text with C last night. He’s always up, it seems. In a good place. It’s a refreshing change for me. I hope I hear from him again soon.

I always say that the people I loved I will always love. But really, some of those people are out of my life for a reason, and the reason is that they were in it to teach me, part of the lesson my soul needed to learn. They’ve taught me and we’ve both moved on to our own next lessons. Today, I am grateful for the lessons, and for the fact that I have such a wonderful starting point for my next adventure. Love always? Yes, I suppose so. But maybe not desire, not hope that things will be different. Oprah defined forgiveness as giving up hope that the past will ever change. I think that’s where I am. Glean from it what we can, and go on.

Like my horoscope said, I am an Aries and I like to move forward. I can backslide like anyone else, but not for long. I don’t like that place. I hate covering the same real estate twice. A relationship that takes me over and over the same ground without ever moving forward is not compatible with me.

Feeling so much more myself today. I’m going to go down to the water, take a long walk. Go to the grocery store and get the stuff I need for Christmas food. I’m making baked stuffed shrimp for Christmas Eve at my sisters. And for Christmas night, my traditional raspberry angel food cake with Raspberry Amaretto Sauce. And whatever my sister and I decide we want for Christmas Day. We’re invited to a friends in her neigborhood for Christmas night, which will be fun. It will remind me how I always went to my bff’s in CT on Christmas night. I was often the only non-blood family there, but that huge family always treated me like one of their own.

I have been really blessed, haven’t I?

Love and light, all.

First Monday of Not Working

My son asked me Saturday how my first day of retirement was. I said, “Well, it’s Saturday and I wouldn’t have been at work anyway, so it feels the same.” This morning is Monday, and I woke up early as usual. I tried to go back to sleep, but no such luck. Lists and plans and things that need doing kept stirring around my mind and finally I stopped fighting it and got up.

Now, sitting here in the early dawn, with my coffee, in the quiet, it does occur to me that, no, I don’t have to go to work today. I do wish I could sit on my deck in the cool morning air, but I don’t have a chair I can put out there. So, I opened the slider to let the cool air in, and listen to the birds.

My friend made me a spectacular Maine lobster dinner last night, 2 lobsters each. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten two, but I did these. Also salad, backed potatoes, green beans. I was shocked. Just feel so blessed that they wanted to do that for me. God I will miss this family. But they said they will come to visit, and will also give me a room next summer. Really lucky to have such close friends.

Feeling a little nostalgic, a little sad this morning, I suppose because I saw last night how much I will miss my people here. It’s certainly an emotional roller coaster. I think I’ll be fine when I get on the road to Florida, but this morning, the distance between now and then seems so great. So many people I want to see before I leave here.

I’ll get through it, as I always do.

When I got home my son informed me that the front door lock was broken. The deadbolt has been unable to be locked from the inside for awhile. There’s another lock in the door handle, which we really never use. But apparently, unknown to me, my son has been and now it doesn’t work either. It feels stuck, so I’m going to go buy a can of WD40 and spray it this morning. I sure hate to call a locksmith when I’ll only be here two more weeks. Seems ridiculous. But I can’t leave it unlocked for the week I’ll be gone.

My son also told me he thinks there’s a skunk living under my deck. I said, “OMG, I better get some repellent or something.” He said, “No….leave it for the new people.” LOL. He’s mad at the $5k they took from me too, lol. I will have to get my friend Peter’s big extension ladder out from underneath the deck though. I hope the skunk is not in residence when we try to do that!

Feeling pretty good this morning. A little tentative, but ok. I’m usually better as the day wears on and I get things accomplished. Moving along…

Love and light everyone.

Flaming Sunrise, A Poem

sunrise

The sunrise flames reds this morning
Reminding us
Of the beautiful world we live in.

Even those things that have been hard
Really hard
Are easier when the world is painted
Red,and pink and blue and gray.

It reminds me
Of the vibrancy of being in love.
Of the peacefulness
Of knowing who I am.

New sunrises await
In a new place.
Equally as beautiful.
Memories will make me smile.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture taken by me, this morning, from my deck.

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.

 

Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

Accepting What Is, and Moving Forward

I talked to my friend whose daughter was so banged up in the car accident last week. She had a really hard run. She’s moving too, only about 15 miles away, but moving. And packing up. And her daughter was so injured. I can’t imagine what she was going through. But the daughter is recovering well, is getting around ok, dealing with the pain she has but not letting it hold her down. My friend and I made plans to go to a place down at the shore this weekend and take a breather. We will both be packing and sorting all weekend. And ready for a break by Sunday afternoon.

She offered to pick me up at the airport when I fly home from Denver, which means I won’t have to pay parking for the week I’m gone.

She also said I will have a room at her house next summer, and she’s coming to FL in March, I’m pretty sure. Good times. Close friends. Love it.

I am pretty sure tomorrow I will just order a replacement tank, maybe to be delivered on Monday on Tuesday. My realtor is asking if I can get a regular hot water heater but not thinking they are gonna say yes. So it is what it is. My friend had to spend so much to get out of her house. Home ownership is not all it’s cracked up to be, let me tell you. Even if you are staying there for a long time. She and I both are of like minds, “I just want to get out of here.” A lot like when you get to the airport to go home. Just beam me up, Scotty. I don’t need the trip, I just want to be there. Overdue, you know?

Work seems hard to me lately, because I so don’t want to be there. I so just want to be in my new house, in my new life. The job keeps me tied to the past, and I’m letting go of the past. I have been focused on how hard it will be to say goodbye to my son when I get on the plane in Denver. And I should be focusing on how much fun it will be to drive across the country with him. He’s not seen any of our country, except Florida, Virginia, and the few days he spend in Colorado last February. We will have so much fun doing that, just hanging out together for those 6 days. I am looking forward to that!

I have decided to focus on the good, not the pain I will feel. This will be good for him, for me. We will always have each other. How many people even have the opportunity to drive across country with their son? I’m going to start to map it out when I’m too tired to do anything else.

I am blessed, no matter what. Fuck the hot water heater. I still have enough.

Love and light.