On the Waterfront

It was quiet on the waterfront today. There were a few fishermen on the pier, but almost no one on the beaches. A few other walkers. I love the view of the town, when I’m walking back down the pier, with the colorful bars and restaurants, and the tropical flora.

Down the pier 05-11-17

I walked to the other end and took this picture of the deserted town beach. It’s a beautiful day, mid to high 80’s with low humidity.

the beach 05-11-17

While I walked still trying to sort out the jumble of thoughts in my head. I don’t think I made much headway, but I’m settling out. Surrendering. Realizing some stuff will just be a low undercurrent for awhile. Hopefully fade away. Maybe not. Whatever. What will happen is what’s supposed to happen.

This song came on my phone as I ended my walk. I think it speaks to my emotional and mental state this morning. Love and light.

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Horoscopes and Real World Living

Every morning I read my horoscope on http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com. I used to occasionally read different sites, but this one seems to actually align with what’s going on in my life somewhat. Most of the ones I read, including the one that sends me an email each morning, from the Daily Om, say stuff that really don’t resonate all that much.

I was never really into astrology. I found it interesting, but anecdotal. When I began working with energy in a real way several years ago, I realized that there just might be something to this, to the alignment of the planets and the sun and the moon, and our birth date and time. Also, given my late in life understanding that everything, every single thing, in this world is energy, which can’t be created or destroyed, as well as an understanding that the Universe does not work in a random way, has caused me to at least sit and read and consider what my horoscope is telling me. Plus, I had a relationship with someone who was kind of into astrology, so I paid more attention to it then.

An aside here….every time I type horoscope, I start typing horrorscope. Seems discordant, lol. Maybe I’ll find out why….

Today’s horoscope told me to take care of my finances, because the real world is waiting for debts to be repaid. My debts at this point in my life are small, and I always take care of them. But I think there might be something to the “world waiting for debts to be repaid” thing, on other than a financial level. I think I’ll give it some thought, and see to whom I have a debt of gratitude that has gone unpaid, perhaps even unacknowledged. I try not to let those things slide, but I think it’s worth a 2nd look.

The same site gives me a weekly horoscope. This week it says I may not have the energy levels to deal with all that is happening in my life. Since my basic, everyday life in space and time is relatively stress free, I am thinking it must be talking about a much larger perspective, about what is going on in this world, and no, I don’t have the energy to deal with it, and rationalize it in my own head.

I am on social media less and less, because I feel like it is constantly more of the same. We have a crazy president, who has suddenly found himself in charge of mega-toys and is playing with them dangerously. While he disregards the people of this country, so that he can focus on himself and his own ego building. I can’t stand to keep reading more and more about him. Even though there are things he is trying to do that could adversely affect me in a huge way. I stay in touch, but I can’t focus on it. I read articles from reliable sources, but don’t react with a whole lot of emotion. I don’t have the energy for him.

And lately when I am on FB, I’ve been trying to put stuff up on my Living Like Water page, more than my own.  I’ve neglected that page, which is really just an outgrowth of my own spiritual, emotional journey.  Trying to take care of that now.

Besides, I’m in the “golden years”, right? I shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not I’ve prepared well enough to live through a psychopathic presidency. I’m certainly not going to go out and re-prepare. I’m going to trust that the universe will take me down a path that will bring me where I need to be each day. The psychopath will come and go, and eventually I think, things will return to normal.

As for me, I may try to make sunrise this morning. I’m up very early. I haven’t made sunrise in a long time, but it seems it might be a good thing this morning, to go to the fishing pier, and sit on one of the benches at the end, and just watch the sun come up. It’s another beautiful day here, another chance, another gift. The weekly horoscope that said I didn’t have high energy levels this week suggest that I make “I rest” my mantra. Going to sunrise is maybe a way to rest without laying down. We’ll see if I make it or not. Gotta finish my coffee first, and not stress over it.

I’m seriously rambling this morning. Kind of feeling like all the thoughts in my head have been juggled for a couple of weeks now, and they are falling gently into their place one at a time. I find more and more, that as I let go of trying to direct my life where I want it to go, that the things come to me that bring me happiness. It’s a pretty cool thing.

Love and light to all.

A Friend Request

Scott now wants to be friends on FB. We have never been friends on FB. It has certainly been his demise. It’s how I found out who Betty was, where she worked, that he was with her too when I thought he was only with me.  (And she thought he was only with her.)

Apparently it’s over with her if he is willing for me to be seen in his friends list. Wow, lucky me.  That has always been a temporary situation anyway.

All I can say is, NO. He is offering up sloppy seconds to me, again. I don’t want them. He apparently does not realize that if he were my FB friend, my son and all my friends would see it. All the people who had to watch as he reduced me to a pile of mush, and played with me, and used me. The same people who told me over and over who he was and to leave him alone. The last time I told my son that I thought he might come to our house in CT, uninvited, my son said, “Just saying Mom, if he shows up in our driveway, I will walk over to his car and punch him in the face.” He was not kidding. I told him, “no, I’ll deal with it.” He said, “Just saying Mom. That’s what I’m gonna do.”

My son is the one who had to see me reduced to a slobbering pile of sobbing mess after he did the prison whore. He also had to watch me then again, 9 months later, when I got the text that instead of us being together for the weekend, he was going to be with “someone else” (Betty) and that he was “busy and didn’t want to talk about it.”

When I saw Scott a year ago, after Betty had found out about me, my son said, “What the FUCK is the matter with you Mom? This guy made you cry more than my dad did.”

And still I talked to Scott through the move down here, on the phone, even though he was still officially with Betty, though I haven’t seen him in over a year. Until a couple months ago, when I just got so sick of the games he plays. The disappearing act he pulls, and then comes back as if it never happened. I just got so tired of being messed with.

And now he wants to be FB friends.

He had never been a friend. He has been my lover and my adversary. He has been my teacher of hard lessons, he has been a soulful connection. But he was never a friend to me. I was one to him. Every dark day that I knew about, I tried to help him. When she found out about me, and left him, (temporarily…but that’s another story) I was there for him. I loved him so dearly, more than I ever thought possible. And he used that love to bolster his own ego. To take what he could from me. And give back nothing, nothing permanent, nothing that lasts. We could easily have stayed friends. But he chose not to.

And so we are not. Not on FB, not in life. Not in any way. When I hear from him now, I feel dread, I feel a foreboding. Feel like the darkness is knocking on my door again. Do I love him, yes….always. Can I have any semblance of him in my life? Absolutely not, at least, not the way he is.

We can all change. It is hard hard work, to change and grow. If at some point he was able to convince me, look me in the eye, and tell me what he’s done, what inner work he’s done to change from being an egocentric, selfish man to someone who actually can be a friend, I might listen. I might then open the door. If he could actually apologize to me, and to my son, for his shoddy treatment of me, I might listen. But it would have to be heartfelt, sincere. I am good with words. I am intuitive. I would know the difference. He will say he has apologized to me enough. But what good is an apology when the behavior continues, unabated?

When I went through my divorce, I didn’t date for 5 or 6 years. I went inside, I learned to go deep, I learned to look at myself and forgive myself, but that also implies that I changed. And I did. I’m not angry with Scott (or my ex for that matter). I am just saying that I can’t have in my life what he has brought to it for 2 years now. (The first year, up until he did the prison whore was good with him, even after that, it was good. Then came Betty.) I have joked that he should go to the monastery for 6 months, like he often said he was going to. It’s a journey he has to take by himself. Even if I was inclined to help him, I would not. There is never real growth without real pain. There is help…but you have to seek it out. And not seek it from me. Not look to have the gaping wounds once again soothed by me so life can go on the way it has for decades.

So, I write this knowing he will read it. I don’t want to open the doors of communication with him, because it’s not safe for me. I know that somewhere inside there, I still love him as I always did, and that I would just be hurt again. I need to heal, I need distance, emotional distance to match the now physical distance I have purposefully put between us. He needs to heal too, and see himself. And acknowledge his soul and his spirit and stop feeding his ego, which is doing a good job of killing him, and hurting everyone who loves him. When he does that, when he can realize that he too is a child of God, as deserving as all of us, he’ll be able to love himself, and forgive himself, and then he’ll have something to offer the people he wants in his life.

I wish him Godspeed on that journey should he choose to undertake it.

Love and light, everyone.

Some Things Need to End, So Others Can Begin

It’s been a quiet day for me on this blog. I had a bunch of stuff that was unresolved, didn’t want to really blog about it. Stuff that’s been rolling around for a few days, maybe even 2 weeks. Anyway, I’ve been bombarded by some energetic stuff lately, and it was making me a little crazy. So I talked to my good friend who is a medium, and a psychic, and Karuna II Reiki master, Tarot card reader. It’s how she makes a living. I have known her about 8 or 9 years, we are close. This morning, instead of writing, I asked her for a reading on some of the issues I was having. We talked for over an hour, and she refused to charge me.

The rest of the day, I spent sorting out the information I got. It’s very personal, I can’t go into it here, but I’ll just say that I felt relieved and melancholy when we were done. What she said made perfect sense to me. And the overall message was, stay the course. Stay it with my personal life, with my creativity, with the way I am creating my life down here. And also acceptance of what is, and nurturing myself.

She also talked about how it’s the new moon Thursday. I knew it was soon, had lost track of the fact that it is Thursday. Time to set new intentions. Especially this month. January is of course a 1, the first month. The year, 2017, also reduces to a 1. 1’s are new beginnings, time to start new projects, new relationships. So a good part of my day has been spend creating a list of intentions. I told her I was going to write them down.

Speaking of relationships, last night I sent a text to the man I had lunch with yesterday, thanking him for the lunch and the laughs, telling him I had a lot of fun and look forward to doing it again. This morning I got a text from him with his correct phone number. He’d told me he would do that, since the phone he’d been using was not his, his had been being repaired. Then when I got to my sisters, he called me, after asking in a text if he could. So sweet, well mannnered. But funny!!! OMG, we laughed the whole time. We seem to get each other’s sense of humor. Anyway, it was a nice surprise, to have him call.

I got to my sisters about 3:45. We went in the pool which was at 90. It was not real warm today, probably in the low 70’s. But the pool was nice. And we spent a long time in her hot tub with a glass of red wine! LOL. It’s a rough life, lol. I made a pot roast in the crock pot yesterday and brought it with me, so we didn’t have to cook dinner, we just heated it up. It was delicious!!!

So, life is still good. I’m enjoying my sister and brother-in-law, it’s been about 3 weeks maybe since I’ve seen them. Feeling my mother’s presence so much today. Interesting day, and a good one. Many things I need to put to rest, so I can move forward with the new moon. I think I can do it now.

Love and light, all.

Not Foolish, nor Destined to Repeat the Past :-)

The sun was almost up when I awoke this morning. Daybreak had broken, the eastern sky was alight. I slept the sleep of the dead last night. I didn’t go anywhere, both of my friends who were going to go to the artwalk with me were sick. One with a cold, the other with a migraine. As it turned out I fell asleep on my couch from 5 to 6, and then stayed up late because I wasn’t tired.

I was in quite a mood last night, and yesterday, with those poems I wrote, Foolishness and Destined. Today my waking mind was in a far more indifferent place. It is always therapeutic lean in to that discomfort when it shows up, to write those feelings out, and send them out to the universe.

This morning I’m out on my deck, sipping my coffee under the canopy of the banyan tree in my nightgown, feeling quite content. I am still seeking a love that can last, but have no regrets over the past, nor really any attachment to it. Just moving forward, and expect what will come will come when it’s supposed to, if it’s supposed to. In the meantime I have friends and family here that I love and who love me, and a wonderful life. There is no reason to feel bitterness or angst.

And who knows? I had a short text with C last night. He’s always up, it seems. In a good place. It’s a refreshing change for me. I hope I hear from him again soon.

I always say that the people I loved I will always love. But really, some of those people are out of my life for a reason, and the reason is that they were in it to teach me, part of the lesson my soul needed to learn. They’ve taught me and we’ve both moved on to our own next lessons. Today, I am grateful for the lessons, and for the fact that I have such a wonderful starting point for my next adventure. Love always? Yes, I suppose so. But maybe not desire, not hope that things will be different. Oprah defined forgiveness as giving up hope that the past will ever change. I think that’s where I am. Glean from it what we can, and go on.

Like my horoscope said, I am an Aries and I like to move forward. I can backslide like anyone else, but not for long. I don’t like that place. I hate covering the same real estate twice. A relationship that takes me over and over the same ground without ever moving forward is not compatible with me.

Feeling so much more myself today. I’m going to go down to the water, take a long walk. Go to the grocery store and get the stuff I need for Christmas food. I’m making baked stuffed shrimp for Christmas Eve at my sisters. And for Christmas night, my traditional raspberry angel food cake with Raspberry Amaretto Sauce. And whatever my sister and I decide we want for Christmas Day. We’re invited to a friends in her neigborhood for Christmas night, which will be fun. It will remind me how I always went to my bff’s in CT on Christmas night. I was often the only non-blood family there, but that huge family always treated me like one of their own.

I have been really blessed, haven’t I?

Love and light, all.

Mercury Retrograde, Again

Mercury is retrograde starting December 19. The last time Mercury went retrograde, I was worried because my son and I were both moving starting new lives, and it is generally not a good time to start new things, especially big new things. Well as it turned out, it was all ok. Both moves went off without a hitch, both cars ran well. Although, my car was totaled 2 weeks after retrograde ended, lol. I did a little backsliding emotionally just before the move, at the middle of the retrograde, but that was to be expected I guess. Big changes.

This time it’s the day of the electoral college vote.

I’m looking at my last two posts, I think I’ve already started backsliding because of the retrograde effects. They can start a couple weeks before. I’m backsliding like crazy tonight, to a place I know is not good for me. It gives me strength to recognize it. I found an article from the Farmer’s Almanac that describes how it affects different signs. I’m an Aries, it says “Expect to be frustrated and frazzled. Assertive,
 impulsive Aries wants to move
 ahead, and all of the energy is going backward. Watch what you say and how you say it. Pay attention to what people say to you; you might be pleasantly surprised. If you want to look up your own sign, here’s the link: http://www.almanac.com/content/mercury-retrograde-and-zodiac-signs

I used to have a friend who worked for an airline, in their call center, making reservations for people. She worked there fore 30 years. Whenever Mercury went retrograde, or there was a full moon, they sent a notice out to the people at the call center warning them. Because communication gets all screwed up in Mercury retrograde. And people get crazy under the full moon.

But the point I wanted to make is, maybe Mercury retrograde will influence the electoral college to do something it’s never done. To save us from ourselves. Maybe they will slide in a way different than all the other electoral colleges. Considering the enormous amount of energy directed at them begging them to do so.

A Course in Miracles defines a miracle as a change in perception from fear to love. If enough electors do this, it will be a miracle, as defined this way.

If I can backslide the way I am, into feelings and emotions I have let go of under most circumstances, then maybe the electors cognizance of what is about to happen to this country will be altered. Maybe their perception of fear of not voting the way they were originally promising can be change to a perception of doing something loving for this country.

It’s a long shot, isn’t it. But it’s a hope. Not one I put much store in, but it would be a miracle.

Or this could all be a crazy dream I am having. You know, Pollyanna syndrome. I want everything to end up happy ever after, and with a clean ending.

I’m usually disappointed. But not always.

Love and light.

Thriving in Harmony

So here I sit, under the banyan tree, and the palm. Killing some time and having a bit of lunch, listening to music. I told a friend I’d give her a ride around 2. Then I’ll go straight to my sisters. I seem to be talking a lot about this tree, but it really is a cool tree, with its multiple trunks and roots arrayed on the ground.

I love the way plants kind of live in harmony here. The banyan tree is host to a flowering vine, I think it’s bouganvillea but I’m not sure. As you walk down a street, or drive, you see many trees with other plants growing on them, or in them. Not just killer choke weeds like up north.

I have a companion on the deck for lunch. This cute little gecko, sunning himself on my deck rail. He’s a pretty large one, to be honest. Most of them are half his size. I guess it could be a she, I don’t know how to tell the difference, lol.

gecko

So peaceful and quiet out here. This town is not necessarily a retirement community. It’s a real old style Florida neighborhood, full of small single family homes, some kids. I never wanted to live in one of those homogeneous 55+ communities. I like the diversity in this neighborhood.

At the town dock at my sisters, there’s a mangrove tree. It’s such a cool tree. If I remember when I’m there I’ll get a pic of it. If I can get inspired, maybe write something for it, lol.

My sister gave me an Amarylis flower/plant. I finally planted it, and it’s actually growing! I was hoping I wouldn’t kill it, lol. They are so pretty. I have an orange hibiscus outside my front door, which I love. It goes with my orange door, and trim. It’s bloomed continuously since I got here. I have a few other flowering plants, but have no idea what they are. I’ll have to ask my sis, she loves gardening, and knows almost all the plants.

Well, time to go pack up my car. I’m taking my laptop, so I can blog. Love and light everyone.