Not Foolish, nor Destined to Repeat the Past :-)

The sun was almost up when I awoke this morning. Daybreak had broken, the eastern sky was alight. I slept the sleep of the dead last night. I didn’t go anywhere, both of my friends who were going to go to the artwalk with me were sick. One with a cold, the other with a migraine. As it turned out I fell asleep on my couch from 5 to 6, and then stayed up late because I wasn’t tired.

I was in quite a mood last night, and yesterday, with those poems I wrote, Foolishness and Destined. Today my waking mind was in a far more indifferent place. It is always therapeutic lean in to that discomfort when it shows up, to write those feelings out, and send them out to the universe.

This morning I’m out on my deck, sipping my coffee under the canopy of the banyan tree in my nightgown, feeling quite content. I am still seeking a love that can last, but have no regrets over the past, nor really any attachment to it. Just moving forward, and expect what will come will come when it’s supposed to, if it’s supposed to. In the meantime I have friends and family here that I love and who love me, and a wonderful life. There is no reason to feel bitterness or angst.

And who knows? I had a short text with C last night. He’s always up, it seems. In a good place. It’s a refreshing change for me. I hope I hear from him again soon.

I always say that the people I loved I will always love. But really, some of those people are out of my life for a reason, and the reason is that they were in it to teach me, part of the lesson my soul needed to learn. They’ve taught me and we’ve both moved on to our own next lessons. Today, I am grateful for the lessons, and for the fact that I have such a wonderful starting point for my next adventure. Love always? Yes, I suppose so. But maybe not desire, not hope that things will be different. Oprah defined forgiveness as giving up hope that the past will ever change. I think that’s where I am. Glean from it what we can, and go on.

Like my horoscope said, I am an Aries and I like to move forward. I can backslide like anyone else, but not for long. I don’t like that place. I hate covering the same real estate twice. A relationship that takes me over and over the same ground without ever moving forward is not compatible with me.

Feeling so much more myself today. I’m going to go down to the water, take a long walk. Go to the grocery store and get the stuff I need for Christmas food. I’m making baked stuffed shrimp for Christmas Eve at my sisters. And for Christmas night, my traditional raspberry angel food cake with Raspberry Amaretto Sauce. And whatever my sister and I decide we want for Christmas Day. We’re invited to a friends in her neigborhood for Christmas night, which will be fun. It will remind me how I always went to my bff’s in CT on Christmas night. I was often the only non-blood family there, but that huge family always treated me like one of their own.

I have been really blessed, haven’t I?

Love and light, all.

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Imagining Possibilities

possibilites

Maggie is home, and a little freaked out, but seems ok.  She had a bandage over where her IV was on her front leg, and luckily my cousin came by and helped me get it off of her.  I have to give her some pain medication with some food now, before I go to bed. Just so grateful that they were able to fix her problem, and I didn’t have to face that hard decision.

I have a lunch date for Saturday, with that nice man I was talking to last night.  Tonight we’re texting.  So far, I really like him.  He seems interested, you know….asks questions, seems sweet natured, very masculine though.  Is good looking too, from his pictures.  And tall, I like tall men, because I’m 5’7″.  I like men who are taller than me by a good amount.  My ex was 6’1″ or2″. Scott was 6′ I think.   We’re going to a new Mexican restaurant.  He grew up in the town I work in, but doesn’t live there now.

It’s cool, I feel like there could be a connection with this man, I sense the possibility.  Like we might like each other….maybe a lot, who knows?  It’s nice to be looking forward, for sure, not backward.

It lets me pause, to feel like a desirable woman again.  Not someone’s second choice, not rejection, not pain, not anger.  To see a path in front of me of possibilities.  Even if it’s not with this man, I am lifted into the possibilities again.  It’s nice to have someone excited to have lunch with me.  And I’m excited to have it with him.  And that’s all I need to know right now.

I don’t mean to be gushing, because I haven’t even met him yet.  It’s been 4 months since Scott and I broke up, it’s been almost 2 since I found out she’d been in his life 6 months.  I need to move on, and I’m just happy to have this chance, this little crack that might allow the light to come in, and make me glow again.

I have a gong bath tomorrow.  I love that I am going with no huge issues to deal with.  I had the twin flame thing for a few days, it was really upsetting me, but now, it’s just a part of that relationship, which is past, over….  I’m not going to try to guess when we will meet again.  It doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter.  He’s still got his journey, he’s always had it.  He and I are no where near the same place, and I don’t see us being in the same place in this lifetime.  My head and my heart are open to whatever happens, but I think there is a better possibility with the new guy than Scott that we will connect in this lifetime.  I wish him well, I hope he can rise, I hope all good things for him.

Happy tonight.  Think I’ll go float to bed, and see if I can dream a sweet dream for a change.