Meditating Through Ugliness, Arriving at Bliss

I was doing a morning meditation this morning in an attempt to center myself and find something I felt like writing about. I remembered that yesterday someone told me, sincerely, that they hoped I would drop dead. I let that thought glide around my mind for a bit, outside of space and time.

Was it an ill wish? I’m sure if you asked that person, they would have said yes. But how is it received on my end?

I am a spiritual being, having a human experience. We all are. So, the first thing I thought was, that’s a really nasty thing to say. But then, I reconsidered. It was a childish thing to say. It was a reactive, thoughtless thing to say. But it presupposes that I fear death.

I have never feared death, at least, not since I was an adult. I am a firm believer that the hour and manner of my death was chosen by me before I was born. The thought, meant to be ugly, really had no effect on me, except to give me even more clarity on the state of this person’s consciousness. That clarity makes me feel sorry for them, that they spew ugliness into the world, and are incapable of stopping themselves. Of course it reinforces the fact that since I am in the midst of a human experience in space and time, I don’t want any of that limited consciousness to infect my psyche. It does not, but I think it allows for an interesting discussion.

The comment, ill-thought out as it was, brought me around to the man who now makes me smile with every thought. I believe that what we think about expands. That thoughts become things, so even if there is an ugly thought in my head, I try consciously to turn it into something else, usually compassion. Since I left my ugly abusive marriage I have asked the Universe to please let me know the love of a good man before I die. I am now surely in the last quarter of my life, and the Universe has answered. I have had some false starts, but this one seems like it will last. There is something wonderful happening now. Using Brene Brown’s analogy of the marble jar, it is full, and I’ve had to increase the size of it, because deposits keep being made. He tells me that his jar is full too, which makes me just as happy as having a full jar of my own.

May your own marble jar fill up. Love and light.

Purging, and Moving On

Purging this morning, lol. First about our president’s utter disregard for everything that is decent. Then, Scott, who seemed to think that it was a good time to contact me again. Just need to purge all that chaotic energy out of me. I probably will piss Scott off totally with that blog, but I needed to get it out there. I can’t get a message or call from him, so if he’s pissed off he’ll have to take a walk or something. Go live in a monastery, whatever. Just leave me the fuck alone.

(Note:  I have taken the blog titled Contact down, the one about Scott’s trying to reach me.)

I did not hear from L yesterday, but as I said, didn’t expect to. He has a lot going on, and I know I will hear from him while he’s there, when he gets a minute. I look forward to that, he always puts a smile on my face.

It is cold and raining here this morning. Such an anomaly, lol. 53 and rain. But it will be back up to 70 in a couple days, and sunny. We need a day like this every once in a while to remind us how good we have it 95% of the time.

I had plans to make banana bread with the rest of the bananas from the community garden this morning, with my friend. However, she rides a bike, doubtful she will be riding in the rain. I’ll probably go get her, she lives a few blocks away, and we can make the bread this afternoon. It will be a good distraction from all this stuff.

Yesterday I signed up for a 21 day free meditation with Oprah and Deepak. They sent along 3 free meditations from other 21 day programs they’ve had, all of which I have done. I am grateful for the 3 they sent, I need to get myself centered and grounded. This next program is called Hope in Uncertain Times. They send a guided meditation via email to you each morning for 21 days. If you are interested, go to thechopracentermeditation.com to sign up. I’ve done them all, I’m pretty sure. I always get something valuable from these 21 day meditations.

Time to get moving, to get productive with the day. Time to put the chaos behind me, and get back to the rich happy life I have here. Don’t let the bastards get you down. And resist. Continue to resist.

Love and light…..

Overcoming HyperVigilance

In the morning, I generally meditate for 15-20 minutes. I use guided meditations, they just seem to help me keep my mind clear of the noise, or at least, bring me back to mindfulness when I stray. I have noticed that I am often leaning toward the sounds, either from my computer or my phone. I can’t remember the name for this, EET? Electronic Energy Transfer? Maybe.

I remember when I was attuned for my level 3 Reiki. The teacher had me sitting in a chair and was playing a crystal bowl in front of me, and another in back of me. This is possible, because the circular sound continues, even after your stop playing the bowl, so she’d move from one to the other. I was in a pretty deep meditative state, and I remember finding myself leaning forward and then back, kind of in a circle with the sound, as she moved from one to the other, and each became dominant in turn. My eyes were closed, I was not paying attention to her movements. But I remember leaning into the energy.

Same thing with my meditation out of an electronic source. However….the crystal bowl is simply vibration, created from a human effort on pure crystal. The electronic energy is a man-made phenomena, and I wonder if it is good for me, actually.  Whenever I went to a gong bath, they asked us to shut our phones off, so that the phones would not be searching for an electronic vibration.

I guess it’s ok because I always feel more centered and grounded after it. But certainly not as I did back in the days when I used to get to the gong baths regularly, or a meditation group, where a person led us. I think I need to find that again.

It’s always a better, deeper meditation if I can sit outside. I haven’t been able to ngo outside in the early morning lately, because it’s been cold in Florida the last few days. Hopefully I’ll be able to get outside again by the end of the week. Nature always allows me to get to a deep space that calms and frees me.

I am beginning to let go of the hypervigilance that has been a part of my life for so long. I had to be hypervigilant in my marriage, to stay safe, and keep my son safe. I needed to stay a step ahead of his father, if I could. And with S, I was also hypervigilant, constantly trying to discern what was truth and what was a lie.

None of it matters now. I met a man who I don’t think is capable of a lie, any more than I am. And I have no need to be hypervigilant of those who are in my past any more. It’s a very peaceful, wonderful feeling. Not to be searching for that which can hurt you, because none of it can.

Still, I find it interesting how the energy vibrations can physically move me. I have found myself at times in the last few weeks, moved to hypervigilance unconsciously. Not realizing it until I was there. And then having to make my way back to my happy place. It became a habit.

I do trust my gut. I do think that if I find myself somehow becoming hypervigilant that there is probably an energy extending toward me, causing it. But I believe now, I can just send it back. It’s a vibration, temporary, and will dissipate, once I recognize it. Because I’m a reiki practitioner, I am very aware of the ability of energy to cover miles, 1000’s of miles, instantaneously. Because with some people I’m an empath, that energy can get amplified. But I’m beginning to understand. I don’t need to get caught up in it, or stressed out over it. Just recognize it, honor it, and let it go.

Life continues to be rich and full here. I am excited to spend time with Tim again, next weekend. I’m very excited to see my girlfriends from high school. I am so happy that my life has turned out this way. The lessons learned have not been in vain.

Love and light, all.

Uncomplicated Love

“Think of someone you love who is uncomplicated to love,” the meditation guide instructed. I thought, of course, of my son. And as thoughts are liable to do, immediately after my son, I thought of my mother. And then of my father. And then of my two sisters.

All of them, uncomplicated to love, and to be loved by.

I have never known different with my family. Even when we had our disagreements, our rough patches, I never doubted that we loved each other, and that if pressed, we would be there for each other. Ever.

How friggin’ blessed I am, is something I’ve come to know as an adult. Really not until I was well past the half-way mark of my life did I realize the depth of that blessing.

I remember back when I just assumed all families were like mine. It seemed incongruous that my best friend’s father (at age 12) could put belt marks on her legs, but he did. She didn’t make a big deal of it, so no one else did. I can’t imagine what it was like, to be a 12 year old, going through puberty, and have your father take a belt to you. I remember my own father, at times in his frustration with my misbehavior as a child, raising his hand. That, the raised hand, was enough to make me know I better stop what I was doing, or saying. He never brought it down on me. I think it would have killed him to hit me.

I was SO naive.

I have known and loved men who were beaten by their fathers, whose mothers stood by and watched, thus enabling the brutality of a child. I think I made it my quest to prove to them that they were lovable, that they were in reality, as deserving of unconditional love as much as anyone. I wanted to convince them that it is possible for someone to love them purely, with no conditions. I cannot imagine a more painful thing to live with than the belief that you innately do not deserve love and belonging. Would it not instill false shame, to think you weren’t worthy of your parents love? And shame is such a destructive emotion.

I was unable to achieve this. It took me a long time to actively give up the quest. And that in itself, is not a good basis for a relationship anyway. There is no common ground. But, I love them, still. And wish they could see themselves the way I saw them. I wish they knew that all the love they think they missed is inside them now, given to them as a divine right. No one can take it from anyone else.

My childhood friend, has somehow managed to retrieve a relationship with her siblings now. They are very close. She has held onto the friendships of her youth. She’s coming to see me, and our other friend who lives in Daytona across the state, in January. This group of girls is like my family. They reconnected with me after about 40 years, and we picked up where we left off.

I think though, that it is part of my soul’s journey to love others the way that I’ve been loved. Am loved. It’s always the underlying emotion, the baseline. If I’ve loved you, I will always love you. If I never see you again, I will always love you, always wish the best for you, always feel the pain I know you feel and always send out whatever I can to assuage it. I may not like your behavior, I may choose to withdraw from it, but the love I felt, only came through me. I did not create it, I just channeled it. And will continue to do so, actively or passively.

So this was my post-meditation blog. Kind of a deep, heavy meditation, and it seems I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and introspection around this broader subject lately. I hope I’m not boring….not bringing the kiss of death on myself, lol.

Love and light, all.

Reconnecting

I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night. I was up at midnight, writing. I have heard wakefulness is a curse of many writers. It seems to be mine lately, for sure. I wrote, some things that I won’t ever publish, just trying to express whatever it was that was stuck inside and trying to get out.  Leaning in, as Brene Brown advises, to the discomfort. Often that helps, just to write out whatever comes to mind, without a whole lot of worry about the mechanics. But still, as I sat on the couch, I was wide awake.

Saved on my computer is a short meditation, “The Great Bell Chant (The End to Suffering)”. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1ZwaEzMtJw ) . It has always given me some peace to watch this video, or simply to listen to it. I put it on, and after the first minute, closed my eyes. It isn’t too long, about 7 or 8 minutes. It is the first thing that helped me to begin to relax, and center myself.

When it ended I clicked on another suggestion on Youtube, for an Om Chant. It said it was 3 hours, but I thought, just let me listen for a few minutes, maybe it will clear my mind, remembering years ago a meditation group in which we listened to chanting for at least an hour, in the dark, and how I was always able to somehow shut down the monkey mind in my head. This video was simply a recording of Buddhist monks chanting OM, over and over again. Deep resonant voices. Listening to them, focusing in on them, my eyes finally began to close, and restfulness finally came to me. I found the same video on my phone, went to bed, and put it on. It was supposed to play for 3 hours. I don’t know if it did, lol, because finally I fell asleep, and slept until about 6:30. Only about 5 hours of sleep, but enough, especially for someone who’s retired, lol.

A few times in the last couple of days I’ve seen the term “metta” associated with Buddhism. Not because I was in particular reading or looking for information on Buddhism. The word just showed up, on FB, in my email newsletters. So this morning I googled it, and found a fascinating (to me) article on what it is, and how it’s practiced. ( http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/facets_of_metta.php ) It’s one of the 4 sublime states of Buddhism that leads to enlightenment. It kind of goes along with my post about unconditional love, but extends that love to oneself equally with extending it to others. You have to make yourself happy first, basically. And in serving others, you will find you make yourself happy. But, you can’t defer to others wishes if doing so makes you unhappy.

I slept well at my sisters, because I was helping her, and her friends, and it made me very happy to be there. I came home, to my little house that I love, but it was empty, devoid of that human connection, or so I thought. But connections remain, there is no space or time in regards to a connection. In focusing in on the OM meditation, I reconnected to myself, which reconnected me to all in a loving way. And I went to sleep.

And so the journey continues. Love and light.

A Grateful Start to the Day

I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in days, slept 8 hours and that’s a real feat for me. I suppose the 3 glasses of wine I had while sitting outside with my sister and one of her friends in the evening really helped me to relax. It’s so awesome, to be celebrating TG here. I know, that’s very redundant. I’ve been talking about it for weeks, I think. But each day, I am grateful again as the feeling washes over me.

I made it to the town dock for sunrise this morning. It did not disappoint. Oddly, no one else was there. Perhaps because it’s a holiday, everyone is busy with cooking and planning and getting things ready. It’s slightly warmer here than where I live. And I only life about 30 miles north as the crow flies. But the temps this morning were in the low 60’s instead of high 50’s and it’s supposed to get to the low 80’s. These are some pictures.

I was kind of grateful that no one else was there this morning. It allowed me to do a bit of meditation. To kind of slide into the spirit of the day, the spirit of gratitude. I read these words by Anne Lamott a few days ago on her FB page, and I so loved them. This is a copy and paste of the short post. I think it’s fitting for today. My heart is full of gratitude that my life has turned out the way it has, so far.

” We pray to be mindful of the needs of others. We savor these moments out of time, when we are conscious of love’s presence, of Someone’s great abiding generosity to our dear and motley family, these holy moments of gratitude. And that is grace.”

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, with family and friends. Love and light to all.

Renewing a Meditation Practice

I didn’t sleep well last night, and so didn’t wake up in time to see sunrise this morning. It was one of those mind chatter nights. I fell asleep fine, despite having listened to an hour or so of that ridiculous debate. But I woke up, a couple hours later and just had such a hard time shutting it down again.

Thoughts… of what I had to do today. Go to the dr. Meet the guy from the insurance company to get the payment for my car. Go look at another car. Tonight go to the open mic and hear my poems read, which makes me really nervous and self-conscious. Then, I thought about my friends back home, the ones who have been part of my life, and I missed them. I was so glad to hear from the friend yesterday, and another that I messaged with later.

I finally fell back to sleep with my meditation music, and a conscious effort at remembering all the things I have to be grateful for.

This morning I realized that my meditation practice has really slid since I’ve been here. New routines, new surroundings. I did a good 20 minutes this morning, trying to focus on Sat, Chit, Ananda. Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. It took about half the time to shut down the chatter again. When I finally did, a lump rose in my throat. I don’t know why, except, I was just grateful for the people who are in my life, and for the universe bringing to me, or maybe actually bringing me to, the kind of life I have dreamed of.

So, I need to get this car thing finished. A car needs to be something I take for granted that I have, not something I have to spend a great deal of time thinking about. Then I can get back to the business of continuing to make this house the way I need it to be.

I want to make jewelry again. Really have a hankering to do that. The other night I was wearing a rose quartz wire wrapped pendant which I wear often, and people have asked me if I have a studio when they find out I made it. I always want to laugh, and think….Geez, I just do this as a hobby. But maybe I could get my stuff displayed at some of the stores around here. I asked my friends if they think my work is good enough to show in places like that and they were like, “OMG, Deb it is totally good enough!” Well, I need the money. I guess I’ll try and see what happens.

Anyway, I can’t make jewelry until I have a place in my house to do it, and so, I have to get back to the business at hand of getting the house set up as I need it to be. And first, I need to have a car.

Sometimes this is harder than I thought it would be. And then I have to say, but aren’t you lucky you can do it at all?

Yes, I’m blessed. Totally. I can do this. One thing at a time. Even though I haven’t really got a time table, I need to press on, I need it done, so I can live the way that works for me. So, onward, as Liz Gilbert says. Onward.

Love and light, all