May you be safe.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you live in peace.
May you be safe.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you live in peace.
I just got home from a gong meditation. I had no intention going into it. But I was tired, I didn’t sleep well last night. And work this week was beyond crazy. I was so happy to end the week with the gongs.
This week was another week in letting go of old stuff. There was the thing with Addie, there was the strong vibe I had about Scott’s health, and then for a few days I felt no connection to him at all. Which was a relief, because I mostly worry about him when I feel connected. Which is, I know, kind of crazy, considering he’s the one who caused all this heartache and pain. I wish I didn’t see his soul so clearly. But I do, I’m going to have to deal with it somehow.
Tonight at the gong bath, my friends who put it on suggested because it is the Christmas season, that we (there were about 20 or 25 of us there) say the names, or at least put the names out into the universe, of anyone we know who needs healing of any kind. I thought of my 94 year old mother, who had a massive stroke over a year ago, leaving her unable to speak, read, write and partially paralyzed. Yet, she goes on. She laughs on the phone. But we all know she’s ready to go on. Her memory is failing and though she knows who her daughters are, she can barely understand some basic things. Like my sister makes her get out of her wheel chair so she won’t forget how to walk.
I also thought of my ex, of Scott, of Betty, of Addie. And sent healing energy to all of them.
I was soon into a deep meditative state…lying there in the dark, snuggled under my blanket. I wanted to let go of the past, if anything. But I kept remembering one afternoon last summer when Scott and I feel asleep spooning, and he had reached around me and was holding my hand and wouldn’t let go. It was in the summer, so he was seeing Betty then on the weekend unbeknownst to me, although that may have been a Sunday, I don’t remember. I guess it must have been if it was the afternoon. I don’t know why I couldn’t stop that image while I was so deep. I guess it was so symbolic, now, of how he wouldn’t let go of me all that time.
I’m not gonna lie, it made me sad to remember that tender afternoon.
I began to say the Ho’oponopono, to myself. To say I love you, to myself. To try to become strong enough to let go of that memory, and the rest of it.
I think I regained the stillness I had last night and this morning. I hope. It wasn’t a voice in my head, it was just a memory, embedded deep in my heart. I wasn’t holding a conversation about it with myself, I was just remembering it, in living color. Feeling it again. There are a lot more where that came from, and I need to let them all go.
I really do feel for Betty. I don’t know her at all…..but I am pretty sure he convinced her he would never cheat on her again, for her to take him back. And she had to deal with him being with me too, the whole time he was with her. That’s hard.
And Addie…trying to fill holes with every woman he meets. Not letting himself feel what he feels. He tells me I keep breaking his heart, and I know I have a couple times, because I could not love him the way he wanted me to. Then instead of allowing himself to heal from that, if it’s true, he jumps into a relationship with the first woman he dates, and the first woman he meets on line. I know him well….it’s not because I’m on some kind of ego trip about him, I just know how he is. I know how we were, I know how he buries his pain. I do believe that he loved me very much.
My ex…I don’t even know what to think about him. Living in the teeny cottage next door to our old house. Not working, all alone. He probably needs healing the most, and is the least likely to ever crawl out of the depths he’s fallen into.
I recognize now, that it was all another layer of pain that I peeled off the onion tonight. It was not painful, not in the way it has been in the past. It was more wistful, just some sweet tender memories from before it all blew up. Before the explosion of emotions that ended in such destruction. I’m glad to have a few real moments to remember besides all the sadness in the months leading up to to that explosion.
I am grateful to have the gong meditations to work through this stuff. Since I was going through my divorce, it has been my biggest healing tool. To go there, and let whatever is ready to come up, come up, and for me to see it, feel it, honor it, and let it go.
Early morning sunrise is beautiful this morning. I have been up since well before dawn, but I slept well last night.
I did my final day of the Deepak Chopra 21 day free meditation this morning. When it was done I saw this sunrise, like a simple gift from the universe.
Every morning I wake up a little farther from the chaos of the last few weeks, and it usually lessens throughout the day. I am not slipping backward, which is a huge thing. I have no more rogue waves knocking me down. Nothing pushing me backward.
Grateful this morning, I guess. Just grateful. There is so much to be grateful for, even the hard lessons. I can see it all as a gift. Even though at times, I still pick my jaw up off the floor at the depth of deception that one man can create, he deceived himself worst of all. His deception made me smarter, and wiser. I have grown from the experience. As long as we do that, it’s never a waste.
It’s only a 3 day work week this week. Hopefully I will go to the sweat lodge Saturday. I know it would be really good for me. I feel blessed that there are so many healing opportunities around here to bring me back to myself. Every day I remember more who I was, and who I am.
Thanksgiving will be quiet as usual. Just me and my son. I’m grateful he’ll be home all day. It is the first time in a few years he has not had to go into work in the late afternoon to work overnight for Black Friday. In fact he has the day off, his new job is not a hot spot for Christmas shopping.
Been texting with A this morning, since early, which is really early for him. He is telling me about his son’s girlfriend, coming to see him from Maine, to New Mexico, talking about moving out there. I think he is wistful, that I have no interest in doing that. I have always told him I could never live in the desert. I wouldn’t mind visiting, but probably not him for more than a day or two. I love him, but it’s a love that’s better from a distance than up close.
I’m still sure the up close one is headed my way.
Love and light.
I went to a group meditation in town this morning. It is a new group, there were about a dozen of us. It was a guided meditation, and was very nice, lasting about an hour. The woman who guided it said it was her spiritual teacher’s birthday and this was her way of paying tribute.
After it was over, we each shared our feelings about it. Most of the participants were not experienced with group meditation, but really, that’s how I learned to meditate. I used to go to a weekly group. We would lay on mats on the floor, with blankets, in the dark. The facilitators would talk for awhile, we would contribute to the conversation, and then they would play crystal bowls for about an hour. They had about a dozen, it was really lovely.
What I shared this morning, was that I loved the intensity of the meditation. The energy of a dozen people participating is not 12 times the energy of a single person alone. The energy increases exponentially, so that the energy of 12 people becomes more like 1200. There is each person, and whatever they bring to it, and then there are the spirit entities that accompany them. The energy increases exponentially.
It can be pretty amazing. I could feel that spiritual guidance I have called upon so often this week, in more intensity, as everyone called in their own guides.
The girl at whose yoga studio this meditation took place knew my friends who do the gong baths. We began to talk about the sweat lodge that they also put on, and I told her they are having one next Saturday, and I was considering going. I’ve been once before and found it to be the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had. However, you have to be able to give up a whole weekend day to it, because you come home so exhausted, emotionally and physically. Since next weekend is a 4 day weekends, I am really considering going. I think it would do me a lot of good.
The girl I went with works with me. I knew she had an interest in learning to meditate, and I offered to go with her, thinking that after all the drama/trauma of the week, a second group meditation after the gong bath might be good for me. After it was over we chatted in the parking lot, and she said, “I keep wondering if I did it….” Then she said, “I was surprised how fast the time went though. I thought it was about 20 minutes and the hour was up.” I said, “Then you did it! Because you escaped the time space continuum, if an hour turned into 20 minutes.” It was fun to see her register that she may have visited another plane of existence for awhile.
After the meditation, I went to the grocery store with the rest of the town, lol, to do Thanks giving shopping. And of course ran into a couple of my really good friends there, and had to stop and talk. Finally, my son called said, “Are you coming home Mom?” LOL. I have done a lot of bonding in the pasta sauce aisle.
Talked to a good friend on the phone about our love lifes, or lack thereof, lol. My cousin came over, and is starting a blog. I will post a link to her blog when she puts up a post.
It’s a good day. Feeling that I maybe achieved some of the balance I was looking for this morning.
Love and light.
Today I was reminded of an old Buddhist saying, “Meditate every day for 10 minutes, unless you think you don’t need to, then do it for an hour.”
I meditate every morning for 15 minutes. This morning I found myself anxious for it to be over, towards the end. Then i remembered that saying and realized that I was in my ego mind, thinking I had other important thins to do. I went back to the meditation, and finished it peacefully.
This morning I chose “Honoring Your True Self” from the choices on my Deepak Chopra meditation app on my phone. I chose that because I have been beating myself up a lot lately, and needed the reminder that I need to forgive myself for the situation I placed myself in, that I did it from a level of consciousness that I was at at the time, I did it out of love. You know that old “When we know better we do better.”
I’m doing better. Not so angry with him or myself this morning, nor hurt, I see other things in my life gaining importance and that dysfunction moving into the past. It’s not quite there yet. I loved that man so much, I have been trying to come to a place where the love mutates into the unconditional love I have for everyone. Not the painful, I miss you I need you thing. I don’t feel that most of the time, because when I do, I am able now to look at it and see what was real, and know that it was never going to give me what I crave. I hoped it would, but I know now it would not, and that there is someone out there who wants the same thing I want. I will find him. I don’t want to grow old without a loving companion, and because I know the universe hears my request, I will find him.
I suppose a lot of my serenity this morning comes from my meditation. I hope it lasts through the day. I feel like I’ve been running on empty for days, and I’m finally slowing down enough to renew my spirit and my soul. Probably has something to do with taking 2 Ambien last night too, lol. I overused my arm with carpal tunnel yesterday and it was killing me all night, so I took 2 Ambien because 1 Ambien was not letting me sleep through the pain. I am groggy, but I slept at least. I’ll be more careful with it today.
Beautiful day today. Going to try to stay in the moment, Gonna try hard to honor myself. Peace out.
I am a fan of Oprah’s show SuperSoulSunday. She has had a lot of incredible teachers on this show, and I’ve learned so much from them. This morning she had a re-run of the interview with John Mackey, the founder of Whole Foods. At the end of the show she did “Soul to Soul” with him where she asked him a set of questions she asks all her guests.
One of the questions is “What is the lesson that has taken you the longest to learn?” He said,and I am paraphrasing, “The lesson I continue to learn, over and over, is that we have a wake. Our actions ripple out in ways that affect people and our world in ways we will never know, can never imagine. So I keep learning that I have to be kind, that I have a responsibility to make sure that what ripples out from me helps people, is positive, and doesn’t hurt anyone.”
All I could think is, wow, so true. Everything we do ripples out. Sometimes we see the results, or some of the results. Sometimes we have no idea.
I remember when I was introduced to “cord cutting”. It’s a thing you can do, a kind of ceremony, calling in your guides, archangels etc., and cut the energetic cords which connect you to someone. It is done with love, never hate. Never ill feeling. I did it to help free myself from my ex. I went to a group meditation, and imagined cutting the energetic cords which bound us and came from that long dysfunctional relationship. I imagined the two of us flying around saying “Good bye, maybe I’ll see you, maybe I won’t. Have a good life…” And I felt freer from that negativity than I ever had when the meditation was over. Which I thought was the end result.
But a few days later, my ex showed up at the front door of the condo I was renting. I wasn’t home but my son was. He got out of his car, and his father said to him. “I apologize for everything I ever did to you…..” For a few short months it lasted, they had a relationship, until his father slipped back into his old ways, and began to play with his son’s life and emotions again.
I will always believe that it was a ripple out of the cord cutting I did with him. At the time I said to someone, telling the story…”You throw a stone in the water, you never know what will ripple up on the shore.” I like the idea of us leaving a wake behind us…..same idea, but it seems a more powerful representation.
And I love the idea, the truth, that we have a responsibility to not hurt others, to make sure that what washes up on the shores of the rest of humanity lifts them and shines light on them.
I went to a gong bath tonight. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a meditation, which lasts about an hour, which takes place with the vibrations of primarily 8 gongs, with some crystal bowls, drums, bells, and other vibrational equipment. The gongs range in size from about 18” in diameter to maybe 44”. Gongs vibrate at the same rate as the human body, so the sound does not go around you, it goes through you. When they play them loud it’s incredibly loud, and is a perfect time to let go of anything that no longer serves you.
The meditative state I am able to achieve during the gongs is extremely deep. Usually. Generally speaking, the louder the gongs, the deeper I go. That’s because when they are loud, you cannot hold a thought, it’s just not possible.
Tonight, I had no intention when I went to the gong. I know I’ve been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last couple of weeks. Ending it with S, issues with my sister and my mother. Also watching my ex self-destruct, even from a distance, is not pleasant. While I had no set intention, I knew the gongs would take me where I needed to go.
Tonight, I was in a place where S was, energetically. We were not together, or apart, just both there. He was looking at me. I used to say to him that I could “see” him. I could see his center, I could see his soul, his essence. I don’t think he understood. Tonight, he was, in this deep meditative state I was in, looking at me, I think, trying to see me. He could not. He just looked at me with this questioning look on his face. Of course, in time and space I have no idea how long that was for. In that place it seemed like a very long time. He was trying….but he couldn’t.
I believe for a person to see anyone else, they first have to see themselves, they first have to know that their center comes from love, that love, unconditional love, is the beginning and end of every soul. It is there before you have a body, it is to what we return when our bodies give out. I am sure S could not see that in himself, so he couldn’t see it in anyone else.
I had no regret, no sadness, just understanding. I believe that’s why he kept thinking he needed to be alone for awhile, and discover who he was. And that’s also why I supported his doing that. But every time I supported it and encouraged it and said, “just check in with me from time to time, maybe, let me know how you’re doing” he would want to be with me, for a short time. I can’t do the short time. I can’t do the physical without the emotional. I can’t. But I do hope he undertakes this journey on his own, with out the safety net of my bed to fall into his old ways.
If he ever is able to see himself and love himself, so that he can see others the way I could see him, I’d love to hear about it.
A on the other hand, sees himself, and others, and never has a bad word to say, is happy in his life. And is eager to share love. I don’t think anyone can help but love him, he attracts it, as he gives it. S once said to me, “but you don’t love him.” He’s right, I don’t love him in the way that I loved S, in the way I want to love a partner. But I love him.
I saw him briefly during the meditation too. He just made me smile.
My friend who went with me tonight was having problems with her daughter today. I think most of the problems are because she, my friend, cannot let go of her kids, and they are adults now. On the way there I just wanted to tell her “You are too much in their business.” She knows, studied Byron Katie for a long time, and knows what I mean. There are three types of business according to Katie….mine yours and Gods. We only belong in our own. But I didn’t say anything before hand because I wanted to help her, not accuse her of something.
After the bath, on the way home, I told her that sometimes people have to back up, to get some perspective in order to see each other as a whole person. And maybe that’s what her daughter was doing now. I told her what she needs to do for her daughter is just be there, just love her, unconditionally. If her daughter gets mad, or upset, to just say, “Honey, I don’t want to fight with you. I just love you….can I just have a hug?” I told her that her daughter needs to know she will still be standing there no matter what they dish out to her. Because eventually, they will see it, and love her back.
Love attracts love. Anger attracts anger. Hate attracts hate. But love is the strongest….there is nothing stronger than unconditional love.
It was such a good meditation tonight.