Gaining Understanding

I went to a gong bath tonight. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a meditation, which lasts about an hour, which takes place with the vibrations of primarily 8 gongs, with some crystal bowls, drums, bells, and other vibrational equipment. The gongs range in size from about 18” in diameter to maybe 44”. Gongs vibrate at the same rate as the human body, so the sound does not go around you, it goes through you. When they play them loud it’s incredibly loud, and is a perfect time to let go of anything that no longer serves you.

The meditative state I am able to achieve during the gongs is extremely deep. Usually. Generally speaking, the louder the gongs, the deeper I go. That’s because when they are loud, you cannot hold a thought, it’s just not possible.

Tonight, I had no intention when I went to the gong. I know I’ve been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last couple of weeks. Ending it with S, issues with my sister and my mother. Also watching my ex self-destruct, even from a distance, is not pleasant.  While I had no set intention, I knew the gongs would take me where I needed to go.

Tonight, I was in a place where S was, energetically. We were not together, or apart, just both there. He was looking at me. I used to say to him that I could “see” him. I could see his center, I could see his soul, his essence. I don’t think he understood. Tonight, he was, in this deep meditative state I was in, looking at me, I think, trying to see me. He could not. He just looked at me with this questioning look on his face. Of course, in time and space I have no idea how long that was for. In that place it seemed like a very long time. He was trying….but he couldn’t.

I believe for a person to see anyone else, they first have to see themselves, they first have to know that their center comes from love, that love, unconditional love, is the beginning and end of every soul. It is there before you have a body, it is to what we return when our bodies give out. I am sure S could not see that in himself, so he couldn’t see it in anyone else.

I had no regret, no sadness, just understanding. I believe that’s why he kept thinking he needed to be alone for awhile, and discover who he was. And that’s also why I supported his doing that. But every time I supported it and encouraged it and said, “just check in with me from time to time, maybe, let me know how you’re doing” he would want to be with me, for a short time. I can’t do the short time. I can’t do the physical without the emotional. I can’t. But I do hope he undertakes this journey on his own, with out the safety net of my bed to fall into his old ways.

If he ever is able to see himself and love himself, so that he can see others the way I could see him, I’d love to hear about it.

A on the other hand, sees himself, and others, and never has a bad word to say, is happy in his life. And is eager to share love. I don’t think anyone can help but love him, he attracts it, as he gives it. S once said to me, “but you don’t love him.” He’s right, I don’t love him in the way that I loved S, in the way I want to love a partner. But I love him.

I saw him briefly during the meditation too. He just made me smile.

My friend who went with me tonight was having problems with her daughter today. I think most of the problems are because she, my friend, cannot let go of her kids, and they are adults now. On the way there I just wanted to tell her “You are too much in their business.” She knows, studied Byron Katie for a long time, and knows what I mean. There are three types of business according to Katie….mine yours and Gods. We only belong in our own. But I didn’t say anything before hand because I wanted to help her, not accuse her of something.

After the bath, on the way home, I told her that sometimes people have to back up, to get some perspective in order to see each other as a whole person. And maybe that’s what her daughter was doing now. I told her what she needs to do for her daughter is just be there, just love her, unconditionally. If her daughter gets mad, or upset, to just say, “Honey, I don’t want to fight with you. I just love you….can I just have a hug?” I told her that her daughter needs to know she will still be standing there no matter what they dish out to her. Because eventually, they will see it, and love her back.

Love attracts love. Anger attracts anger. Hate attracts hate. But love is the strongest….there is nothing stronger than unconditional love.

It was such a good meditation tonight.

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