Tag Archives: trust

Fingers

Posted on by learning to live like water

fingers of fear

Fingers of doubt reach out
Trying to get a grip.
Touching my skin,
I tremble at their old familiar touch
Unwelcome sensations

Fingers of distrust
poke through the landscape
screaming across empty plains
and still forests
Trying to shake my resolve

I stand my ground
Give them nothing to hold onto.
There are no receptacles for their inept warnings.
Safe, because I know who I am
My center is grounded
And aware.

The fingers of doubt and distrust
withdraw and dissolve
When we don’t need the answers
To everything
Now.
Live like water and let life flow through us.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Pinterest

Radiance

Posted on by learning to live like water

sunflowers

Come to me
In the darkest night,
Or
In the light of day.
Let me feel your breath
On every breeze
And your heat in every sunrise.
Fill me
With the radiance of the universe.

What was, was
What is, is.
What will be, will be.

In uncertainties lie possibilities
Which can be fearful,
Or beautiful.
I choose to hope
for the amazing
And wonderful outcomes.
Hope makes me strong.

I see now,
It’s been there all along.
Hope, in every sunrise
In every sunset,
Advancing me in the direction of my dreams.

I have been doing a 21 day meditation from Oprah and Deepak, called “Hope in Uncertain Times”. This poem is an outgrowth of that meditation. I am trying not to be attached to specific outcomes anymore. I just hope for good outcomes, and try not to be afraid of uncertainties. Trying to let go of the wheel, and let the Universe drive the train, and trust.

Love and light…..

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Far East Fling via Google Images

G for Generosity, of Spirit

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke in the middle of the night last night, which is not unusual. For some reason, Brene Brown’s anagram, “B R A V I N G” trust came into my head, and particularly, the last letter of it, G, for generosity.

If you have not seen Brene’s video, The Anatomy of Trust, which is well worth watching, you might ask what generosity has to do with trust. It refers to generosity of spirit. That when someone does or says something that you could take as hurtful, you don’t. Instead, you extend generosity of spirit to that person, and say something like, “you know, what you just said kind of stung, but I know you didn’t mean to sting me, and we’re ok. I just wanted you to know that’s what I was thinking.”

Be generous. Remember that we are all flawed, and we all say and do things that don’t exactly reflect what we want to reflect, and we all accidentally hurt others, and we don’t mean to. It’s a very human flaw.

It’s good to say something, and include the generosity. Why say something? Because it allows growth for both people, to put it on the table.

I know for a fact that I have not always been generous in my thoughts of what people have said. I still have that hyper-vigilance thing going on, where I want to defend myself from all attacks. But sometimes, I’m tilting at windmills, you know? Sometimes what was said was only in jest, or perhaps without a lot of thought, but was not meant to hurt me. There was no evil intent. I was wasting my time fighting something that was never meant to cause me harm. And in the process, hurting others with my accusations.

I think the thought about generosity came to me in the middle of the night because maybe it was just time for me to learn it, to understand it, to see it, to own it. And to realize that I don’t need to take everything that’s ever said with such seriousness.

And maybe it came to me because there are 4 planets in retrograde, or going into retrograde or coming out of retrograde shortly. Who knows? It came when it was supposed to. Lesson learned.

Love and light, everyone.

Sleep and Trust

Posted on by learning to live like water

sleep and trust

For years I was such a bad sleeper. I guess that’s normal, living with a sociopath whose purpose in life was to create chaos in yours, and your sons. Never knowing what you might wake up to. Wondering if the earth would tilt on its axis by morning. I took over the counter sleep aids for years on end. Never went to bed without some sort of help, and often, they didn’t help. I’ve taken 4 Tylenol PM and not gone to sleep.

I often wonder if I did any damage to my body all those years. I figure not sleeping probably would have done more.

Since I moved out of that house, it’s been rare that I take anything. It took some time to wean myself off of the fear of not sleeping. I wasn’t physically addicted to the sleep aids, but I had a lot of fear of not sleeping at all, and having to go to work and be functional the next day. Now, I know if I don’t sleep one night, I will sleep the next. So I don’t generally take them.

Last summer though, when the carpal tunnel was really bad, I got prescription Ambien which helped me to sleep through some of the pain. That particular ailment gives you the most pain when you are sleeping. I’d have to get up multiple times during the night to run my hand under warm water, to relieve the throbbing. The Ambien got it down to just once usually.

As soon as I was through the surgery and the carpal tunnel was no longer an issue, I found out about Betty Boop. Which sent me into another tailspin, in which heartbreak combines with trust issues, mostly, not trusting myself. After all, there were myriad flags flying, and I chose to believe the obvious lies I was being told, and not to see the truth that had been slapping me in the face all summer trying to wake me up.

If you follow my blog, you know that relationship did not end there. You know that he tried to keep me in the periphery of his life, that he could not let me go, even though he’d chosen her. He continued to break my heart on a regular basis until really, about 6 weeks ago, when he asked to come see me after leaving me about a dozen voice mails and I finally talked to him and said, no. No, we aren’t going there again.

I reclaimed myself.

I have not talked to him since. I had some short communications with Betty Boop, but then blocked her so I won’t even see another email from her. She made up a lie, for her own benefit, telling him I’d done something I had not done. It wasn’t a big thing, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. She and he are welcome to play all the games they want, and feed each other the lies they need to hear, but leave me out of it. I’m not angry, I just can’t get drawn into that childish adolescent stuff again.

I realized last night that when I called him and left a voice mail just telling him that it was a lie, I’d unblocked him, and had not reblocked him. I reblocked him again last night. Again, not because I’m angry. Not because I have any bad feelings at all for him. But because I am moving on, I don’t want to be part of that little drama any longer. He loves the triangulation. He’ll have to find another 3rd leg to make her jealous with.

The point is….after I did it, I slept a solid 7 hours. I’ve done that a lot lately. Even with all the agita over the hot water heater, and trying to find a mover, and trying to train 2 people at work, I’ve been able to sleep. Because none of it is emotional. None of it makes me question who I am. I’m beginning to trust myself again.

Today I woke refreshed from a good night’s sleep. There is a very gentle rain falling outside, so I can’t sit out there, but I opened the slider to my deck to let the fresh air in, and listen to the peace of it. The stillness.

I am beginning to absorb, assimilate, that my dream of moving to Florida and retiring is manifesting. I guess there is always a ying yang with it, and the yang to that ying is that my son won’t be with me any longer. I know it’s time for him to fly on his own, I know he will love Colorado. I know it’s an adventure for him. I know I’ll still talk to him every day, and that our bond can never be broken.

But God, I will miss his chaotic energy in my life, his youthful exuberance, the plethora of friends and young people constantly running through my house.

I’ll get through it. I’m trying to just look forward to driving cross country with him. That will be a wonderful way to say goodbye to our old life.

I’ll keep the Ambien by my bed, for those few nights when it’s hard.

The rest of the time, I’ll just sleep. I’ll have my life back, completely. There will be no triggers down there to remind me of what I thought I had, and didn’t, nothing to remind me of all the pain I endured. I will just enjoy the fruits of my work to heal, and continue that process in my “Avalon”. My place of healing and new beginnings.

Love and light, all.

The Best is Yet to Come

Posted on by learning to live like water

The sun poured into my bedroom window like spun gold this morning. It was filtered only by the sheer white curtain that hangs like a flouncy skirt onto the floor. It was 6:15. I woke earlier, at 5:30 and thought, no, I don’t want to get up this early, and the next time I looked it was 6:15.

When the sun is like that, pouring through the windows on the south side of the house, I am excited to get up, and watch the day unfold. I am only sorry it isn’t warm enough to sit outside, and listen to the birds, and feel the gentle spring breeze on my cheek.

I did a meditation this morning by Tara Brach on Open Awareness. She does wonderful guided meditations. https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/

At the beginning, as she guides you into physical body relaxation, she asks you “What is it your heart really wants?”

My answer was swift, required no thought. “To love and be loved.” That’s all.

The meditation sought to bring us to a place of only awareness, not thought. Using words from the Buddhist monk Tilopa from 1000 or so years ago:

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

It was a nice way to begin the day. Peaceful, no angst today. Or at least, not right now. (she smiles, lol)

My son and I are going out for BBQ today. It’s a delayed birthday dinner. Then we’re stopping at Sam’s club, for a few things. It is a lovely spring day.

I have not buried the St. Joseph statue that my friends Peter and Linda gave me in my front yard yet. I think I’ll do it this morning. I’ve not had a nibble all weekend on the house. Even though I’m not really worried about it, I still think I will give it whatever added boost the statue can give it.

And believe. Just believe it will happen. Just trust that the universe will bring the right buyers to my house at the right time.

Feeling peaceful and calm this morning. Trusting my intuition to guide the path of my life to follow my heart’s desire, to find my heart’s desire. I am beginning to trust myself again. It’s a good feeling. I’m not sure if that isn’t the greatest trauma of being betrayed on such a grand scale, the loss of our ability to trust ourselves. A good lesson was learned about love and trust.

I still believe love never dies. I think I’ll always love the people I loved. It’s just that I see them through unfiltered glasses now, in all their imperfection. What’s done is done, what’s over is over. In the words of Van Morrison in Someone Like You:

But just lately I have realized
The best is yet to come.

I hope that’s true until my last breath.

Let It Bubble Up, and Float Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

BubblesFor some reason I am a little unsettled this morning.  Partly because Maggie is not herself, and I shouldn’t expect her to be, but I’m waiting for her to be her old self.

Partly it is from being nervous about my lunch date Saturday.  Nervous-excited, but nervous.  I will have to explain pretty early about selling my house and moving.  I live in the present, and I just feel if I get attached to someone before I go, that it will work itself out.   For example we could have a Florida and a Connecticut house if we don’t want to be apart. So it doesn’t worry me, but it might put someone else off.  I remember Scott even asking what will we do when you move?  I just kept saying, are you going to work forever?  Would you not want to come see me in Florida?  Couldn’t I come see you?  And in between we could have our time alone?  He always seemed to be ok with that thought.  He even brought it up after he was seeing Betty, before I knew.   Why, I don’t know, now, probably just part of the elaborate ruse he was creating.  I do think that the two relationships were separate in his head.  I think he was able to shut one of us out when he was with the other.  So it may have been an honest question at the time.   Whatever.

I think that it can work out, that’s all.  I trust the universe to make happen what needs to happen.

Maybe part of the nervousness is my concern over diving into a relationship like I did with Scott.  Feet first, not checking the depth of the water.  Setting myself up for the kill.   I just have to be true to myself.  I have to be present, and mindful, and not give myself away.  Mostly to remember that trust has to be earned, and to filter my feelings through the BRAVING anagram.  I will say, that this new man, just in conversation, seems to be real, he’s earned a few small marbles for my marble jar already.  Those small, insignificant moments….what else is there when you have only talked and not met even.  The conversation seems to flow, he takes an interest, it’s not all about him.  That’s worth a marble or two, lol.

The gongs will be good for me tonight, just to allow me to center and ground myself.  Let whatever is causing me to be unsettled to come up, and to go.  I’m reading The Untethered Soul by Mark Singer, and he talks a lot about not resisting what comes up.  To let it just pass through.  If it’s pain, it won’t last, and he’s right, it never does.  I knew this before I read the book.  I’ve always known that the way through pain is to allow yourself to feel it, for as long as you need to until you just don’t feel it anymore.  It’s why I could tell Scott, this will hurt but I’ll get over it.  I know what to do, I have the practice as part of my daily life.

Off to another day of work.  And the gongs.  See you on the flip side.

 

 

It Doesn’t Matter

Posted on by learning to live like water

Stock-footage-energy-sphere

I had a romantic notion, I guess, of what a twin flame was.  I was horrified to think that someone who is so wrought with his own emotional problems, deep-seated issues that he can’t figure out himself, that cause him to act in ways that are hurtful to himself and others, could be my twin flame. 

This morning, it doesn’t matter.  It is, what it is.  If he doesn’t mature spiritually, we will not connect in this lifetime.  That journey is his to travel.  I will continue on my path, he on his.  Maybe in some lifetime we will connect.  I don’t think in this one, though I can’t possibly know when we will connect. 

Maybe I’ll find out that he’s really not my twin flame.  Maybe there are coincidences after all, and none of them are signs.

Though, my intuition tells me differently.

The relationship with him is rife with signs, but if he doesn’t read them, and only I do, it doesn’t matter. Or, if he reads them but discredits them, it doesn’t matter.

My intuition tells me that it just doesn’t matter here, in the present moment, what his soulful relationship to me is. 

I’ll let it be.  I’ll trust my intuition to guide me through whatever comes up.  My purpose here is to evolve my soul.  I believe it’s everyone’s, but if it’s not recognized on a human level by someone else, even a twin flame, it doesn’t make any difference to me. 

Since we don’t talk, ever now, which is so weird really after communicating constantly all day every day, except when we were in a push away phase, I have no idea where his head is at.  It’s been since November 19 that I have talked to him.  Since the weight of the lies fell out of his mouth and onto my heart, and as he asked me to lie for him, to become what he was, and I had to tell him he was dead to me. 

He is not dead to me, as a soul.  His current choices, as a human, made him dead to me.  Until he can grow, and change.  I have wondered when I will hear from him again, thinking in months maybe.  Because I have been sure I will at some point.  But now?  Maybe not for years.  Maybe not until we move on from this life. 

It doesn’t matter anyway.  My life moves on, the way it was.  The path was moving forward nicely, and then he showed up and I stumbled and lost myself, spun arouand and around, because there were some lessons I needed to learn, and now my life goes on.

My friend to whom I gave Reiki texted me last night to tell me that the issue she had that brought her to me yesterday, had taken on a whole, different feeling.  The issue has to do with her sister, and is ongoing.  They talked, they both laughed, good healing belly laughs.  The issue remains, but my friend was able to support her sister, and lift her.  I was delighted.

My friend also has issues with her ankle.  It hurts her often and a lot.  She said it was killing her when she got here.  Last night she said she forgot about it, there was no pain from it at all.  I’m sure it’s not gone, the issue with her ankle, but I’m so happy she had some relief.

It is satisfying to be able to help people.  To reach outside my own issues, and leave them be.  To make a deeper connection with people close to me.

I found a great site for guided free meditations.  https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/     I did one this morning that was on “knowing”.  Takes you very deep, to rest in your knowing.  I found some peace there.  My solar plexus was very tight when I got there.  I did self-reiki on it, while I did the meditation.  It feels fine now.

I guess that the tightness was caused by left over emotions from last night’s twin flame revelation.  Right now, it means nothing, because we are apart, as we were before, and it’s not my job to wait for him to catch up, as my medium friend said.  It’s his to catch up. He doesn’t listen to his soul much, he doesn’t think he has one, or doesn’t think it’s connected to the loving energy of the universe. 

People will make any excuse for bad behavior won’t they?  If you can believe you are not connected then I suppose that gives you free rein to do whatever the heck your narcissistic ego tells you to. 

Not my problem.  It doesn’t matter.  I won’t bump into him again, unless he matures. 

 

 

 

Which Will You Be?

Posted on by learning to live like water

strength acourage

Strength

Measured in lies

Measured in pain caused

Measured in lives destroyed

Is weakness.

Is less than zero.

 

Strength

Measured in open hearts

Measured in joy given

Measured in lives connected

Is power.

Is heaven on earth.

 

Courage

Measured in willingness to lie

Measured in willingness to deceive

Measured in willingness to devastate

To crush, to harm

Isn’t courage.

It’s cheap cowardice.

It’s emptiness of a soul.

 

Courage

Measured in Willingness to to be honest

Measured in willingness to trust

Measured in willingness to show oneself

And be seen, truly be seen

Is courage.

It is wealth of spirit,

It is fullness of soul.

 

Which have you been

The weak morally bankrupt coward?

Or the courageous, powerful rich spirit?

 

Which are you?

 

Which will you be?

“BRAVING” Trust

Posted on by learning to live like water

BRAVING-2I am a HUGE Brene Brown fan.  Also  HUGE Elizabeth Gilbert fan. (Not at all surprised they are good friends.)  One or the other of them always pops up saying exactly what I need to hear at the exact time I need to hear it.  It is amazing how the universe puts the people you most need square in your path when you most need them.

The day after S so thoughtlessly and cruelly dumped me, I saw Brene on SuperSoulSunday talking about her new book, Rising Strong, and I had it downloaded onto my kindle before the show was over.  I went on FB yesterday and one of the first posts was Liz Gilbert posting a new Brene talk on “The Anatomy of Trust.”

It is quintessential Brene, full of personal stories, making us laugh, and cry, just being so real, and teaching us what we need to know about trust.  I watched it, it’s only about 10 or 15 minutes, and then watched it again with a pen and paper to make notes.

Naturally, I was filtering my recent break-up as I watched it.

She created an anagram for building trust.  It is B R A V I N G.  Because when we trust someone we are “braving” connection, making ourselves vulnerable.  Here’s the down-low.

B – Boundaries.  For trust to develop between people, boundaries have to be set and kept by both parties.  With S, I had one.  Don’t have sex with anyone else if you’re having it with me.  Pretty clear.  He had a lot….and they weren’t clear, they were subjective.  Don’t ask too much, don’t make plans too far ahead, don’t expect anything, don’t demand anything.  You get the idea.

R – Reliability. Do what you say you’re going to.  I don’t think I ever broke this one with him.  I generally try to do this with everyone.  S did what he said he would, if he felt like doing it when the time came.  Thus the blurred boundaries….  If he talked about going somewhere, it didn’t mean he would.  If he said he’d call, it didn’t mean he would.  If he said he was open to a relationship, it didn’t mean that he’d feel like that next week.

A – Accountability.  Owning your story.  If you make a mistake, which we all do….owning it, apologizing for it, and making it right.  I have no problem with this, I apologized often and fully, usually for misunderstanding him or his actions. (And in hindsight, I was often right, and apologizing for it.)  S….apologized after the prison whore.  He came to me, he looked me in the eye, he told me the whole story, he felt bad, it was over.  It went a long way toward building trust.  Then, a few months later, began the HUGE voluminous deception of me, and Betty….and he still has not owned that to me, he still has not apologized for months of deception when all the while I was asking him to let me go.  Not accountable.  At all.

V – The vault.  What you tell me in confidence I keep in confidence.  And what others tell me I also keep in confidence.  I think I did that, still do that.  I have never told anyone the things he told me in confidence.  I don’t think he has either, told anyone anything I told him.  (However, my life is much more an open book, and no one knew me in his life, so there was nothing to tell and no one to tell it to.)  However, he was quite willing to falsely trash his girlfriend to me, to send me a naked picture of her to make me jealous.  So…I think that picture should have been in his vault.  But he didn’t keep it there.

I- Integrity.  I don’t think this needs any discussion.  Screwing two women, for months on end, who love you without them knowing you are doing it is a total lack of integrity.  Making up lies about his girlfriend, when she was his ex, is a total lack of integrity.  I know he wants to say I was with A when I was with him….but I was never with A physically when I was with S.  Never.  I met A after the prison whore, right after.  I went out with him, he was like a salve on a gaping open wound, but I wasn’t with him sexually during that time.   S can pretend I did what he did, but I didn’t.

N – Non-judgement.  I know I did not judge him for anything he told me in confidence.  I did, in the end, judge him for his lies and deception of me, and of Betty.  He also was fairly non-judgmental, although he at times disparaged me for some of the spiritual teachers I liked.  Ram Dass in particular.  His reasoning was that Ram Dass came from a privileged family in Boston, and S felt he was in it for the money.  I didn’t come across Ram Dass until a few years ago, when he was about 80 or so, and I felt he had a lot of valuable insight at that stage of his life.

G – Generosity.  When someone does or doesn’t do something you thought they would, having a generous thought about them, like, “I was hoping you’d do this, but I know you love me, and we’re ok.  I just want you to know I was thinking of it.”  I do this to a fault, and did it with him way way too much.  Gave him a lot of credit he hadn’t earned.   I don’t know if he ever did it, he seemed to love to find something to complain about.  He had the nerve to say, not long ago, after he dumped me but before I found out he’d been with her all summer,  that he was upset that I said in my blog that I “cuddled” with A before A left on his big adventure.  S and I were not not even speaking then.  He had refused to make plans with me Memorial Day weekend. Refused to go to Florida with me after getting me all excited that he would likely go.   Now I know why…because he made them with Betty.  It’s almost humorous that  he had the nerve to bitch at me for cuddling with A, while he was screwing Betty.  It was just a manipulation.  But it wasn’t generous.

Looking at this anagram, and filtering this relationship through it, I see and am filled with the knowledge that I gave away my trust to someone who didn’t earn it.  Period.  And I’m lucky to be out of it, without more scars.  It’s a lesson learned, learned well.

Trust is made up of seemingly small insignificant moments, Brene teaches, that build trust over time.  Not a few big events.   S shouldn’t have earned my trust simply because he apologized and owned his story about the prison whore.  There were so many small moments that I wrote off, because they were insignificant.  And really, those were the things that were telling.

This lesson is included in her book, Rising Strong.  This is the link to the video:

http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust/