Fingers

fingers of fear

Fingers of doubt reach out
Trying to get a grip.
Touching my skin,
I tremble at their old familiar touch
Unwelcome sensations

Fingers of distrust
poke through the landscape
screaming across empty plains
and still forests
Trying to shake my resolve

I stand my ground
Give them nothing to hold onto.
There are no receptacles for their inept warnings.
Safe, because I know who I am
My center is grounded
And aware.

The fingers of doubt and distrust
withdraw and dissolve
When we don’t need the answers
To everything
Now.
Live like water and let life flow through us.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Pinterest

Radiance

sunflowers

Come to me
In the darkest night,
Or
In the light of day.
Let me feel your breath
On every breeze
And your heat in every sunrise.
Fill me
With the radiance of the universe.

What was, was
What is, is.
What will be, will be.

In uncertainties lie possibilities
Which can be fearful,
Or beautiful.
I choose to hope
for the amazing
And wonderful outcomes.
Hope makes me strong.

I see now,
It’s been there all along.
Hope, in every sunrise
In every sunset,
Advancing me in the direction of my dreams.

I have been doing a 21 day meditation from Oprah and Deepak, called “Hope in Uncertain Times”. This poem is an outgrowth of that meditation. I am trying not to be attached to specific outcomes anymore. I just hope for good outcomes, and try not to be afraid of uncertainties. Trying to let go of the wheel, and let the Universe drive the train, and trust.

Love and light…..

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Far East Fling via Google Images

G for Generosity, of Spirit

I woke in the middle of the night last night, which is not unusual. For some reason, Brene Brown’s anagram, “B R A V I N G” trust came into my head, and particularly, the last letter of it, G, for generosity.

If you have not seen Brene’s video, The Anatomy of Trust, which is well worth watching, you might ask what generosity has to do with trust. It refers to generosity of spirit. That when someone does or says something that you could take as hurtful, you don’t. Instead, you extend generosity of spirit to that person, and say something like, “you know, what you just said kind of stung, but I know you didn’t mean to sting me, and we’re ok. I just wanted you to know that’s what I was thinking.”

Be generous. Remember that we are all flawed, and we all say and do things that don’t exactly reflect what we want to reflect, and we all accidentally hurt others, and we don’t mean to. It’s a very human flaw.

It’s good to say something, and include the generosity. Why say something? Because it allows growth for both people, to put it on the table.

I know for a fact that I have not always been generous in my thoughts of what people have said. I still have that hyper-vigilance thing going on, where I want to defend myself from all attacks. But sometimes, I’m tilting at windmills, you know? Sometimes what was said was only in jest, or perhaps without a lot of thought, but was not meant to hurt me. There was no evil intent. I was wasting my time fighting something that was never meant to cause me harm. And in the process, hurting others with my accusations.

I think the thought about generosity came to me in the middle of the night because maybe it was just time for me to learn it, to understand it, to see it, to own it. And to realize that I don’t need to take everything that’s ever said with such seriousness.

And maybe it came to me because there are 4 planets in retrograde, or going into retrograde or coming out of retrograde shortly. Who knows? It came when it was supposed to. Lesson learned.

Love and light, everyone.

Sleep and Trust

sleep and trust

For years I was such a bad sleeper. I guess that’s normal, living with a sociopath whose purpose in life was to create chaos in yours, and your sons. Never knowing what you might wake up to. Wondering if the earth would tilt on its axis by morning. I took over the counter sleep aids for years on end. Never went to bed without some sort of help, and often, they didn’t help. I’ve taken 4 Tylenol PM and not gone to sleep.

I often wonder if I did any damage to my body all those years. I figure not sleeping probably would have done more.

Since I moved out of that house, it’s been rare that I take anything. It took some time to wean myself off of the fear of not sleeping. I wasn’t physically addicted to the sleep aids, but I had a lot of fear of not sleeping at all, and having to go to work and be functional the next day. Now, I know if I don’t sleep one night, I will sleep the next. So I don’t generally take them.

Last summer though, when the carpal tunnel was really bad, I got prescription Ambien which helped me to sleep through some of the pain. That particular ailment gives you the most pain when you are sleeping. I’d have to get up multiple times during the night to run my hand under warm water, to relieve the throbbing. The Ambien got it down to just once usually.

As soon as I was through the surgery and the carpal tunnel was no longer an issue, I found out about Betty Boop. Which sent me into another tailspin, in which heartbreak combines with trust issues, mostly, not trusting myself. After all, there were myriad flags flying, and I chose to believe the obvious lies I was being told, and not to see the truth that had been slapping me in the face all summer trying to wake me up.

If you follow my blog, you know that relationship did not end there. You know that he tried to keep me in the periphery of his life, that he could not let me go, even though he’d chosen her. He continued to break my heart on a regular basis until really, about 6 weeks ago, when he asked to come see me after leaving me about a dozen voice mails and I finally talked to him and said, no. No, we aren’t going there again.

I reclaimed myself.

I have not talked to him since. I had some short communications with Betty Boop, but then blocked her so I won’t even see another email from her. She made up a lie, for her own benefit, telling him I’d done something I had not done. It wasn’t a big thing, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. She and he are welcome to play all the games they want, and feed each other the lies they need to hear, but leave me out of it. I’m not angry, I just can’t get drawn into that childish adolescent stuff again.

I realized last night that when I called him and left a voice mail just telling him that it was a lie, I’d unblocked him, and had not reblocked him. I reblocked him again last night. Again, not because I’m angry. Not because I have any bad feelings at all for him. But because I am moving on, I don’t want to be part of that little drama any longer. He loves the triangulation. He’ll have to find another 3rd leg to make her jealous with.

The point is….after I did it, I slept a solid 7 hours. I’ve done that a lot lately. Even with all the agita over the hot water heater, and trying to find a mover, and trying to train 2 people at work, I’ve been able to sleep. Because none of it is emotional. None of it makes me question who I am. I’m beginning to trust myself again.

Today I woke refreshed from a good night’s sleep. There is a very gentle rain falling outside, so I can’t sit out there, but I opened the slider to my deck to let the fresh air in, and listen to the peace of it. The stillness.

I am beginning to absorb, assimilate, that my dream of moving to Florida and retiring is manifesting. I guess there is always a ying yang with it, and the yang to that ying is that my son won’t be with me any longer. I know it’s time for him to fly on his own, I know he will love Colorado. I know it’s an adventure for him. I know I’ll still talk to him every day, and that our bond can never be broken.

But God, I will miss his chaotic energy in my life, his youthful exuberance, the plethora of friends and young people constantly running through my house.

I’ll get through it. I’m trying to just look forward to driving cross country with him. That will be a wonderful way to say goodbye to our old life.

I’ll keep the Ambien by my bed, for those few nights when it’s hard.

The rest of the time, I’ll just sleep. I’ll have my life back, completely. There will be no triggers down there to remind me of what I thought I had, and didn’t, nothing to remind me of all the pain I endured. I will just enjoy the fruits of my work to heal, and continue that process in my “Avalon”. My place of healing and new beginnings.

Love and light, all.

The Best is Yet to Come

The sun poured into my bedroom window like spun gold this morning. It was filtered only by the sheer white curtain that hangs like a flouncy skirt onto the floor. It was 6:15. I woke earlier, at 5:30 and thought, no, I don’t want to get up this early, and the next time I looked it was 6:15.

When the sun is like that, pouring through the windows on the south side of the house, I am excited to get up, and watch the day unfold. I am only sorry it isn’t warm enough to sit outside, and listen to the birds, and feel the gentle spring breeze on my cheek.

I did a meditation this morning by Tara Brach on Open Awareness. She does wonderful guided meditations. https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/

At the beginning, as she guides you into physical body relaxation, she asks you “What is it your heart really wants?”

My answer was swift, required no thought. “To love and be loved.” That’s all.

The meditation sought to bring us to a place of only awareness, not thought. Using words from the Buddhist monk Tilopa from 1000 or so years ago:

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

It was a nice way to begin the day. Peaceful, no angst today. Or at least, not right now. (she smiles, lol)

My son and I are going out for BBQ today. It’s a delayed birthday dinner. Then we’re stopping at Sam’s club, for a few things. It is a lovely spring day.

I have not buried the St. Joseph statue that my friends Peter and Linda gave me in my front yard yet. I think I’ll do it this morning. I’ve not had a nibble all weekend on the house. Even though I’m not really worried about it, I still think I will give it whatever added boost the statue can give it.

And believe. Just believe it will happen. Just trust that the universe will bring the right buyers to my house at the right time.

Feeling peaceful and calm this morning. Trusting my intuition to guide the path of my life to follow my heart’s desire, to find my heart’s desire. I am beginning to trust myself again. It’s a good feeling. I’m not sure if that isn’t the greatest trauma of being betrayed on such a grand scale, the loss of our ability to trust ourselves. A good lesson was learned about love and trust.

I still believe love never dies. I think I’ll always love the people I loved. It’s just that I see them through unfiltered glasses now, in all their imperfection. What’s done is done, what’s over is over. In the words of Van Morrison in Someone Like You:

But just lately I have realized
The best is yet to come.

I hope that’s true until my last breath.

Let It Bubble Up, and Float Away

 

BubblesFor some reason I am a little unsettled this morning.  Partly because Maggie is not herself, and I shouldn’t expect her to be, but I’m waiting for her to be her old self.

Partly it is from being nervous about my lunch date Saturday.  Nervous-excited, but nervous.  I will have to explain pretty early about selling my house and moving.  I live in the present, and I just feel if I get attached to someone before I go, that it will work itself out.   For example we could have a Florida and a Connecticut house if we don’t want to be apart. So it doesn’t worry me, but it might put someone else off.  I remember Scott even asking what will we do when you move?  I just kept saying, are you going to work forever?  Would you not want to come see me in Florida?  Couldn’t I come see you?  And in between we could have our time alone?  He always seemed to be ok with that thought.  He even brought it up after he was seeing Betty, before I knew.   Why, I don’t know, now, probably just part of the elaborate ruse he was creating.  I do think that the two relationships were separate in his head.  I think he was able to shut one of us out when he was with the other.  So it may have been an honest question at the time.   Whatever.

I think that it can work out, that’s all.  I trust the universe to make happen what needs to happen.

Maybe part of the nervousness is my concern over diving into a relationship like I did with Scott.  Feet first, not checking the depth of the water.  Setting myself up for the kill.   I just have to be true to myself.  I have to be present, and mindful, and not give myself away.  Mostly to remember that trust has to be earned, and to filter my feelings through the BRAVING anagram.  I will say, that this new man, just in conversation, seems to be real, he’s earned a few small marbles for my marble jar already.  Those small, insignificant moments….what else is there when you have only talked and not met even.  The conversation seems to flow, he takes an interest, it’s not all about him.  That’s worth a marble or two, lol.

The gongs will be good for me tonight, just to allow me to center and ground myself.  Let whatever is causing me to be unsettled to come up, and to go.  I’m reading The Untethered Soul by Mark Singer, and he talks a lot about not resisting what comes up.  To let it just pass through.  If it’s pain, it won’t last, and he’s right, it never does.  I knew this before I read the book.  I’ve always known that the way through pain is to allow yourself to feel it, for as long as you need to until you just don’t feel it anymore.  It’s why I could tell Scott, this will hurt but I’ll get over it.  I know what to do, I have the practice as part of my daily life.

Off to another day of work.  And the gongs.  See you on the flip side.