Radiance

sunflowers

Come to me
In the darkest night,
Or
In the light of day.
Let me feel your breath
On every breeze
And your heat in every sunrise.
Fill me
With the radiance of the universe.

What was, was
What is, is.
What will be, will be.

In uncertainties lie possibilities
Which can be fearful,
Or beautiful.
I choose to hope
for the amazing
And wonderful outcomes.
Hope makes me strong.

I see now,
It’s been there all along.
Hope, in every sunrise
In every sunset,
Advancing me in the direction of my dreams.

I have been doing a 21 day meditation from Oprah and Deepak, called “Hope in Uncertain Times”. This poem is an outgrowth of that meditation. I am trying not to be attached to specific outcomes anymore. I just hope for good outcomes, and try not to be afraid of uncertainties. Trying to let go of the wheel, and let the Universe drive the train, and trust.

Love and light…..

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Far East Fling via Google Images

Secrets in the Stars

lovers

Touch me where the secrets lie
Hold me, and search for them.
They wait in the darkness,
For your light to find them.

Set them free
With the sparkle of your eyes
With the sweetness of your breath,
With the tenderness of your touch.

Secrets, unchained
Fill the spaces between us
Where do you end?
Where do I begin?

Our bodies connect
Relentlessly.
Each secret we release
Sends us closer to the stars.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Google Images

Working Out Sleeplessness

I see my old friend Pat sleeping on my couch, in deep sleep and I think how nice it would be, to be able to just sleep anywhere. She’s one of those people who can. My mom used to be able to do that. My mother-in-law fell asleep at an NHL hockey game once. You know it was not quiet there, lol.

I went right to sleep last night, and well I should have. 3 hours sleep the night before, 2 rum and cokes at the restaurant, and we had a little smoke when we got home. I slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up, and of course, couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s getting old, this not sleeping thing. I had taken a full Ambien, just to make sure I slept, but there you go. So at 1 AM I took a Benedryl. That’s ridiculous I know. I am aghast at myself for putting so much crap in my body, but I am craving sleep and it is just evading me.

Lately when I’m like this I have to get up and write. Stream of consciousness…just let out whatever it is. Last night I felt very comfortable with my friends sleeping here. I was not overstimulated. When I went to bed I was only looking forward to climbing in between my sheets in that bed I love. But there I was, awake at 1:30 AM.

I picked up my laptop, opened it up and began to write.

What came out was, all the tentative hope I had for this relationship with Tim. He sent me an email this morning. Telling me about his night, and that he can’t wait to see me. Not gushing, just loving. He included a poem, I don’t know if he wrote it. I don’t think so, it was in quotes but the author not id’d.

I also realized that I still miss things about S, which I wish I didn’t. But that is always overridden now with his ability to play games with me and others, and the way I am always the big loser with him, that there is nothing to be gained from him. I guess when you love someone you always love some parts of them. The funny, smart, sexy parts. But they aren’t worth the brokenness, the chaos, the confusion.

I know where I stand with Tim, and it is so reassuring. I also am physically attracted to him, and that too is reassuring to me that we can get to that place eventually. He’s not overbearing, but likes to stay in touch. He’s not demanding, but expresses himself. He is not afraid to put his arm around me, he is not afraid to take my hand and talk to me seriously. He is not overly demonstrative, but is demonstrative. And he’s also smart, and has an artsy side. He loved his wife, who died after a 7 year battle of cancer. He was her caregiver all that time. And happy for the job.

What do I not like about him? Well, he has a drawl, lol, and my mind always clicks to a redneck when I hear a drawl. But he’s so not. He is so much an aging hippie like me, even though he’s an ex-firefighter, and ex-cop.

So, I have hope that this will go somewhere. He’s a really good man. I am cautious, too cautious with him. Like I should have been with S, and wasn’t, jumping in with both feet. I resolved not to do that again. To let things grow, to fill the marble jar, before giving myself over completely. S would always put 5 marbles in the jar, and then dump it over and just watch the marbles roll out. It’s just too hard to retrieve yourself, when someone breaks your heart. Jumping in set me up for heartbreak over and over again. I can’t imagine Tim willfully breaking my heart. Nor me his. I’ve broken a man’s heart before, but not willfully. It was just that I could not match his emotions for me. That man was needy, and I am so not. I love to be in love, but not with just anyone.

So that dichotomy, between the two men, that chaotic jumble of emotions, is what was keeping me up. Tomorrow Tim and I will go manatee watching, sunset watching and really see if we connect. I’m looking forward to the growth of the seed that’s been planted.

Love and light to all.

Self Regained, A Poem

whatyouseek

I was at that place today
You know the one.
You’ve been there too.

Daydreams collide
Fiction and fantasy
What was and what wasn’t
What could be and what can’t.
What is, and what isn’t.

Confusion and conflict wove
My head and my heart
Into a chaotic tapestry
Of love and pain, regret and hope.

Things I’d forgotten,
Or, tried to,
Danced rings around my psyche
Spiraling around me
Squeezing the breath out of me.

Days yet to come
Jousted for position
Among the dancers
Painting the pictures with the wind
On the surface of my soul.

I stayed there til it settled.
The spinning stopped,
The dancers grew tired,
The jousting painters dipped their brushes
Tentatively, beginning their work.

And I, in the center,
Of all that commotion
Regained myself.

Christmas Eve Morning Musings

love and belonging

Before I went to bed last night I used my very unscientific method of confirming my feelings about knowing him from a past life, I asked my pendulum, both of them.  LOL.  They both said, yes, we have known each other in past lives.  They both said yes, I was supposed to remind him of who he was.  But no, I was not supposed to bring him back from the darkness.

Which is a relief…..Because I did my best, while we were together, to tell him that he had a beautiful soul, and that I could see it.  The darkness, the things that have happened to him in his life, have obscured it, in his own mind.  I always saw it, and even now, I know that it was his insatiable need to be loved that made him deceive.  I know his holes are so deep that he just couldn’t let go.  Such erroneous thinking.

Ruin is a gift, S.  It is the only way to begin transformation. I know he’s saying “bullshit” to that, lol.  But it’s true.  The trip back from the darkness is his to undertake, when he’s sick of having his life go wrong.

I saw him, I still see him…I forgive his inability to believe enough in himself to tell the truth.  I do know that the person the most hurt by all he did was himself.  So, the fact that I made sure she knew the truth is secondary.  If there had been nothing to tell, he wouldn’t be there.

The fact that I’m sure he blames me for the misery he’s in now….well, honestly, what he thinks of me is none of my business.

My ex has the same issues, of not believing anyone could love him based on his own merit.  And blaming me. He never was with another woman, but he lied about finances, about what he was doing, about his life, about his successes and failures, and blamed everyone else for everything.  In the end, everything was my fault, and still is, I know.  I really want to take him some Christmas food today.  I will try, but honestly, I don’t even know if he’s even living in the same place.  I’ll try, as long as I can do it without running into him.  I haven’t seen him in about 2 years, though I’ve talked to him during that time.  But I just don’t want to come face to face and have to talk to him.  It would be uncomfortable for us both.

I have considered inviting him over for the holiday.  But first, my son and he have no relationship.  My son is content that way, even though I know he’s avoiding feeling all the stuff that he had to deal with with his father.  I could not do that to my son. He’s made a lot of progress, and is a great kid, but he’s not ready to deal with his father’s abuse.

I also know that my ex believes everything we had together, all of the money and possessions, were his, not ours….so the fact that I have a lovely home while he lost everything he had because he borrowed so much money and thought he’d never have to pay it back, would just anger him.  He really thought he could lie his way out of of having to pay the money back.  He would look at me and think this house is really his, that it was bought with his money.  The fact that I worked side by side with him for 25 years, and then for 10 more ran his business while he descended into severe alcoholism, means nothing to him. I was there to serve him, not to partner with him.  I’m just so grateful that I got out before he threw it all away and was able to salvage enough to have a nice life for my son and myself.

So I have to leave him alone.  But I’d still like to bring him something, so he’d know we were thinking of him.  He can use that information however he wants, to build his ego or to regret his actions that caused him to lose us.

I got a message from a guy on a dating site this morning.  His profile just made me laugh, it was so obviously a spoof on profiles.  It’s too bad he lives a little too far outside my geographic area, about an hour and a half or so from me.  But God, I hope I actually find someone who has a sense of humor like that.  It would be so much fun.

It seems I mostly get messages from men who live in California, Arizona, Texas….lol.  One this morning from Manitoba Canada, lol.  I live on the east coast, it’s pretty densely populated here.  But most of the profiles I come across are so boring!  Where are all the funny, alive men?  That was the attraction with S, he made me laugh and he was never boring.  If he just could have been honest, geez….

Well time to wrap gifts.  Make cakes. Clean up the kitchen, the house.  My son is working all day, so won’t be home til this evening.  It will be a nice low-key evening and I’m looking forward to it.

Happy Christmas Eve to all.

 

Change Is In The Morning Breeze

I’m running late today.  I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work.  I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.

Thinking about change this morning, starting anew.  Change is the only constant in life.  I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore.  The picture seems pretty complete.  I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached.  Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did.  I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did.  I hope  now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively.  I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him.  It’s still there.  Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.

I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive.  I am hopeful.  I am not needy.  I have a life, a good life.  Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with.  I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something.  Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house.  Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.

The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here.  We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground.  We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure.  We can only hope it lasts til March.

Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea.  Just accept and embrace it.  The universe knows what it’s doing.