The last 12 hours have been the hardest yet. I guess it’s just waves that wash over you. I am always blindsided by the sorrow, the pain, when it comes back. I think I am ok, better, healing, and suddenly all I want is to hear his voice, to have his arms wrapped around me. Like an idiot, it is stupid, my head knows this. I wish my heart would tag along. It is all I can do not to call him, not to have direct contact.
I know that sending that text was wrong. I know in the end, it does not facilitate healing but keeps the energetic cords between us. I know all this. I believe it, I am a Reiki Master, for God’s sake, but I cannot shake this. I can perform self-Reiki, I have done this, almost every day, it is only effective enough to get me to sleep. Or make me stop crying. But the physical ache for him won’t go away. To send that text, when he is determined to be with her, is just self defeating. Stupid, to be trying to get answers. If I get them, will I feel safer? Will I feel less pain and anger? No. There is nothing to be said for the cruel way he left me for her, for the heartache he didn’t care about, for behaving like a teen-age boy, sending me a text. A cowardly, juvenile text. It is still unfathomable to me, that he could do that.
So, I know I have to get through this, without contact. I will never heal if I have contact.
My girlfriend and I power-washed my deck this morning. It’s a beautiful fall day, and we talked and drank coffee. She asked how I was, I said, you know, it comes and goes. She said, You’re mourning. I said, yes it’s almost like someone died. Today is hard. Weekends are hard…and told her why. It’s only been a week. She hugged me. I guess I’m doing ok for only a week. I’d so rather be angry at him. It’s so much easier than just loving someone who doesn’t want you. Geezus. so much easier to walk through.
I’m grateful my son is home today. We planned a good dinner tonight. I’m going to make brownies too. I am beat from doing the deck. I need to vacuum my bedroom, to change out my closets for the winter. I need to stay busy, so I can get through this day. I need to be so tired I pass out tonight. Maybe some wine would help, usually a drink and an Ambien at least gives me enough rest to get through the next day.
I keep writing about it, hoping I will release the pain through my words. Maybe it makes it worse, I don’t know. At times I feel like I am OCD with writing. But usually, it seems to give me the only relief I can find, so I’ll keep doing it. I’ve always had to put my emotions out on the table, so that even I can see them. And whatever happens happens. I made myself vulnerable the first time I told him I loved him. Sometimes it works, sometimes you get knocked down. But at least I know I gave all I could to the possibility of him. I know I held nothing back. I have no regrets about my actions. I have learned a few lessons. Lessons I think I could have done without, but who knows what my soul’s journey is. I must have wanted to learn what this feels like or it wouldn’t have happened.
Next lifetime I think I’d like to know what a healthy loving relationship is. Please…..
Shrouded by the fog
Tears stuck in my throat,
Unwilling to make themselves known to the world.
Embarrassed to be seen
Because the reasons lay behind them, not in front of them.
Sleep is such a welcome guest
But even sleep asks,
Who are you?
Should I be here?
making me look inward
and see what others see.
Like the head of Methusala
With a thousand tendrils pointing in different directions
Each one squirming to be heard, to be seen,
Which is real, which is not?
The fog narrows the world
To my small circle of vision.
I lean back, and dream
The path appears,
there, in the corner of my eye.
But I have to walk it alone, I fear.
Paying the price.
Loss comes to me with the fog.
Suddenly all the tendrils lay together,
Ho’oponopono is a practice I learned about during my Reiki training. It is much like Reiki, in that it’s energy is healing and can work at long distances, or short ones. I have said it for people I hadn’t heard from who I knew were ailing, and the result was that I heard from them. It changed the dynamic, and some type of healing takes place.
Healing can come from unexpected places. Anytime you want to connect with someone and you and they are suffering, in anyway, say this, thinking of them. It can heal you both, and heal all kinds of things.
So dawns a new day. I still have not heard a peep from him. I left another voicemail, I have texted him. It is unlike him to hold a grudge with me, especially when I am so obviously trying to find my way back to him. But this morning, acceptance is setting in.
I had a nightmare about him last night. And now I’m trying to see if I can logically understand why he is silent. So far these are my choices.
1. He’s still angry with me for being so hurt the other night. He cannot stand being the bad guy. All it required was an “I’m sorry”. We all make mistakes, he made one in not telling me he was not going to come. He made one in underestimating how much it meant to me. But a heartfelt “I’m sorry” would have gone a long way. A phone call would have been nice.
2. He read the blogs I wrote after, “Crash and Burn” and “Sifting through the smoldering ruins” and was furious. He dislikes i when I write about him, us. When we are published on the internet. No one knows me, or him. He says, “yes, but when your book is published they will know who you are, and then who I am….” That’s still such a long shot. But I have to write about me. I have told him any blog I write is a snapshot in time of how I am feeling at that moment. So why don’t I just journal it, why publish? Because when I am in pain, confused, fearful I long for feedback from my peers. The community helps me through it, helps me not to feel so alone. I am quite able, obviously, when my feelings change, or circumstances change, to own it, and correct it here. I rue the day I ever gave him the link to this blog. It puts a bracket on my freedom to write what I feel here.
3. Maybe he is too sick to communicate with me. I can’t know that he actually went to work yesterday. I do know that he wasn’t in the hospital. I do know that he didn’t die, because I checked the obits this morning. Sounds morbid, I know, but if he had an aneurism, which could kill him instantly, I would never know, I would never be told by anyone because no one knows of me. So it was some kind of black comfort not to see his name there. Maybe he is just in too much pain to add the stress of talking to me to it. But…he doesn’t have to talk with me. Just to tell me how he is, in a text or an email, and then ask me to continue to leave him alone, and I will. Just to ease my mind.
4. I have occasionally, thought, what if his ex girlfriend leaves her new husband (that she found within 4 months of breaking up with him after 12 years) and wants him back? He told me many times he was not over her, that he thought she was the one. I asked him not that long ago, maybe a couple months, what he would do if that happened. He said he didn’t know. Which didn’t help me feel secure with him at all, obviously. There is no making sense of who we choose to love, he says he loved her, and she took him for so much….. I just don’t know. But it is what it is. I mean, I still love him after all the ups and downs we have had, when it is quite obvious to me that this is not a healthy relationship. This #4 reason leads me to the nightmare.
I dreamed he finally called me. We were, in the dream, on the phone, but I could see him at his house as well. He told me he was in love. His voice was odd, kind of a falsetto. He has in reality a deep, sexy voice. I kept asking with who? And he just kept telling me it was real, he was finally in love. (He constantly told me he didn’t want to be in love.) Then I could see his ex girlfriend in his jacuzzi. And I said, “tell me who it is or I’m hanging up.” He got mad at that threat and started yelling back at me on the phone. I hung up, I woke up.
This morning I can’t help but wonder if the universe was telling me something. I don’t even know what to look up on dreammoods.com. It is so unusual for me to dream about him, about anyone I know, and to remember it, though I am sure I remember it because it woke me.
So where am I at this morning? Still numb, thankfully, from the wine and an Ambien. It’s nice how the two combine to knock you out on a night when you’d not have slept otherwise. Especially after the dream. I am accepting that I can’t do anything about his refusal to communicate. I can call the hospitals again, and make sure he’s not there. I considered calling his ex-wife, who doesn’t know me, and asking her to check on him. Because I am pretty sure, that unless he goes in the hospital, he has not told his family about his health issues either. By family I mean ex-wife and kids. But then I think, in my best Byron Katie mind, no don’t do that. Then you are in HIS business. (you know, there are three kinds of business: Mine, other peoples, and God’s)
So to try to stay in my business, only mine today, I won’t try to reach him but just let it be, as he used to tell me all the time. Maybe he’ll be in touch when he feels up to it. Maybe he never will be again. My business is to go on with my life. So, I’m going to go get my hair done, go to the grocery store, go get 2 new tires for my car and maybe talk to my ex husband about our son while they put the tires on, since his business is right next door to the tire place. But his business is weather related and we are supposed to have a huge storm this afternoon (of course, it’s Saturday) so he might not be there. That should keep me clear of him until tonight.
Acceptance of what you truly don’t want to have to accept is such a mind-fuck But again, it’s reality. He is not communicating with me, and I need to respect that is how he wants it, for whatever reason. I can’t put too much energy into that thought, the lump in my throat begins to grow again.
Slowly taking steps to move beyond this pain.
My heart feels a little heavy this morning. Maybe too much red wine last night. Maybe not. I feel guilty that my friend is going through this health issue alone. That I am not with him. But then again, he’s made it clear that that’s how he wants it, and I need to quit projecting onto him how I would feel about it. I think he knows, or should know, anyway, that energetically I am there.
And then again….while I am with him energetically, the actual not being there, physically, emotionally….I don’t feel bad about. Because I was broken, once more, and the pieces are not put back together. I don’t know if they can be. I think too many times I’ve been broken. Broken when he fucked the prison whore, broken when he would come have sex and leave, or tell me after that we needed not to see each other so much. Broken when he would ignore my needs. And broken, now, by a week of not knowing what was wrong wit him, meanwhile trying to do as he asked while I waited until he could or would tell me, broken by him not showing up and not even telling me he wasn’t coming. He was capable. He has been going to work, if he can work, he is certainly capable of realizing he should have let me know, and at least, the very least, texting me to say he wasn’t coming. The blatant disregard was just more than I could deal with on top of his refusal to tell me what is wrong with his health. I was teetering on the edge of the abyss, that was all that I needed to push me in.
It just occurred to me, he thinks that it was about my temper, about me being angry. He doesn’t understand the concept of hurt, I guess. It was pain, on my part. Not anger. It was me crying out in pain. It was a broken, yet again, heart.
I guess he can’t imagine the depth of the feeling I had, and have for him. I need to let it go.
But now I have no idea how he is. Is he in the hospital? Is he still in pain? Is he having surgery? Is he scared? Does he want me there now? Now, that he’s pushed me away? I can’t ask, I can’t know. I need to move on.
It was never mine to deal with, I was never included, I was never in the loop. He always preferred to be alone. I need to move on.
I’ll continue to ask the universe to take care of him. I’ll continue to send him love and light and healing energy. My soul and his, I know are connected in ways I can’t explain and sometimes wish weren’t, because it makes the letting go so hard, when I know the cord which connects us in that way is strong.
But I need to let go and move on, and not change who he is by asking to be brought into his life.
Sweet juice of the grape,
Mask my sorrow,
Hide my pain.
Keep it from cutting a hole in my heart.
I will bleed, if it is on the surface.
I will writhe in pain on my floor.
Sweet juice of the grape,
Drown the voices in my head
and the ones on the phone.
Keep me from racing to him,
begging him to take me just one more time.
Into that place from which I find such great joy
And then such great sorrow.
Sweet juice of the grape
Be my friend.
Be my solace.
Help me find a place
Where his blue eyes will not torment me.
Where his smile will not lure me.
Where I won’t find false comfort in his hands.
Empty my mind of all the memories
Empty my mind of the dreams
Empty my heart, empty my eyes,
Empty all of it, sweet juice of the grape,
Let me forget, for just one night
How I loved him.
How I love him still.