Caught in the Riptide

riptide

A….just always there for me.  I don’t know why, I just don’t have any idea why but he is.  It choked me up all day.

He got my message, and his response was….

“Good morning, my love.”

No chastising me.  No questions.  No anger.  Nothing, but unconditional love.

I wished he were here with me.  I wished we were snuggling, sharing a cup of coffee, talking, anything.  I do love him, really….but I can’t sustain that. And I don’t know why.  Before, it was because of Scott.  It’s not him, now.  But I think it might be repercussions of him.

Because I got so triggered this past weekend, and by A, the gentlest, most loving of souls….I have to say, I’m not relationship material yet.  I’m ok on the surface, but there’s still a lot of grief, loss, sadness, anger running like a riptide underneath, and at any moment, it might sweep me out to sea and risk drowning anyone who is with me.   And it’s A who has been by my side.

He hated Scott for me when I could not, lol.  He brought me around to feel sorry for him, when the depth of his depravity was uncovered, he was the first to say, “I just went from hate to pity.  He needs our prayers…”  Because S’s actions absolutely indicated a deep and terrible illness.  And even A, who has played 2nd fiddle to S for months, when I couldn’t let go….can see it, and offer up his compassion.

I love A, and I want him in my life.

But I’m not consistent.  This morning I was gonna try to Facetime him when I got home but tonight, I don’t feel it so much.  I really scared myself, realizing that I almost kicked him out of my life.  God, stupid.  This morning, I felt jealous of the woman in Santa Fe….and tonight, I am back to where I was.  I can’t be what he needs and deserves.  But I want him in my life, for sure.

I was still triggered today.  I imagined talking to S….what would we possibly have to say?  “Why did you do that?”  He won’t know, or won’t say.  He’d ask “Why did you tell her….”  Because she had to know.  It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right.  You were never gonna tell her the truth, I was going to remain a lie somewhere there.  I’m sick of being a lie, and a secret.  And you would have made me stay that way, and she would have never known the truth.  I fucking loved you, and I wanted to make sure she knew that.  That I didn’t just fuck you, that I LOVED you with every fiber of my being.  That you were trying to be with me just days before.  That I wasn’t what you wanted her to think I was. I was not going to be minimized by you and your narcissism.

You didn’t want to save her pain, you wanted to continue to manipulate her feelings, her love, her emotions.  Just like you did me, but I found out the truth.

So….what would he and I have to say?  Nothing.  Nothing, except I loved you, you tried to kill me.  I don’t know when my heart will ever open up again.  When I will trust someone again.  It was not that you were with her that hurt so much, it was the lies, the cruelty of every thing you did after 10:30 on October 3.  All the voice mails, all the texts, all the sexting, the phone calls, you tried to keep me hanging on while you were with her.  Cruel.  Why couldn’t you just let me go?  Why couldn’t you let me go when you came to the park back in May, and told me you wanted to be by yourself.  Why didn’t you just stick with it?  Instead of asking me to come over? Instead of calling me and telling me you should have come to Florida with me?  Instead of coming here and making sweet love with me?

It’s the loss, of finding out that who I thought you were and adored was some shell you put on for me.  I had to give you up, and then I had to GIVE YOU UP…because you didn’t even exist.  I fucking miss that man who doesn’t exist.  And I grieve for him.

What would I have to say?  Nothing, that could lead to anything but to bring back the pain.

So I almost pushed Addie away today, because the ghost man that I loved hurt me so much that what he did still, 3 1/2 months later,  can stab me in the back when I’m just out for a stroll.

I was drowning this weekend.  Today I managed to get to shore, but I’m tired, out of breath, and traumatized.  I need to do what A wants me to, to “rest in his love.”  And I will.   And S….I’m pretty sure he’ll be alone.  Which is the safest place for everyone else.

 

 

 

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Dealing with Grief and Loss from a Relationship

I went to the gong meditation tonight.  I picked up my cousin who goes with me, who is going through some family stuff, and she was talking about grief.  I don’t like to talk too much about S anymore, because I don’t feel like I’m grieving him, but she was talking about it generically.  She said, it’s just grief, Deb, it’s a loss.  That’s all, it’s just grief that we have to work through.

During the meditation, what she said was rolling around my head, and my heart.  The gongs and crystal bowls facilitated a very deep meditation.  I thought how can I be grieving HIM, I mean….after what he did to me, how could I grieve him?  Because in all honesty, I don’t think I do any more.  I don’t have that visceral pain that I had for the first 30 or 45 days when I thought of him. The pain that would wake me in the middle of the night sobbing into my pillow. The pain that came out in anguished poems, that made me keep texting him, talking to him, even though I knew he was with her, because I knew he’d egg me on, tell me he missed me, tell me to come see him.    I had no doubt if I’d allowed it, we would have been naked in bed together in no time.  I missed him with ever fiber of my being, and it hurt.

But after 4 or 6 weeks, I had somehow moved out of that pain, it no longer seared my heart to think about him, or him with her even worse.  I did what I had to do to heal myself, and began to move on.  When the depth of the lies and betrayal became known, I just wanted to get away from it all.  And did….have not talked to him since, and I know for a fact I don’t want that in my life.

But every once in awhile I still get an ache, and I can’t imagine why.  But my cousin explained it without trying.  There is loss, there was a part of my life that was full, it was rich for awhile, and now there’s nothing there.  It’s like a hole in my heart that he used to fill, and now he doesn’t, but neither does anything else.

Grief. Loss.  This is what takes the longer time to heal.  The pain and betrayal we can rationalize, we can know it was wrong, that it hurt, we can learn a lesson and go on.  The general grief and loss, the hole that is left empty when you lose someone you loved, I guess has to be filled with something else.  A passion for someone or something else.

I pour it out in my writing, I have been working hard at work, mindfully, to keep my mind busy. I have been talking to friends, reading, trying to fill the space, taking care of my house, trying to love and appreciate the people who are in my life.  But I think it’s a slow go.  That’s the wound that’s hard to heal, it just has to fill with the light, and the light will shrink it til it’s gone, I guess.  But it’s a process.  It will just take time.

So I’ll keep going to the gongs and searching for the light to fill that hole.  Tonight I continued with the Breathe in Love, Breath out Scott.  I also did the Ho’onopono (I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you) to myself, for the hole in my heart put there by choices I made.  I started thinking about all the people I know that have real issues to deal with and started saying it for them.

The gongs crescendo, the tsunami of sound, and I was crying, releasing the tears that I refuse to cry anymore. They weren’t for him, they were for me.

It’s just loss now.  It’s grief and loss for something I had that now I don’t.  I know Scott thinks it’s my fault I feel it, because I insisted he tell her.  But the loss happened long ago, it started over the summer during the weight of lies I was sitting in, it happened the day he told me he was going to be with her, it happened every day that he tried to engage me, after I knew about her and I had to say no.  Then it was covered up with anger, when I found out the depth of his betrayal and deception, and covered up by disgust, when I realized he did it to two of us, juggling our hearts in some cruel game.

But the anger is gone, the pain is gone.  Now there’s just loss to deal with, and to grieve.  I’ll let it come, and I’ll grieve, and I’ll fill my heart with loving people who need it, and want it.  That hole will be filled with gold one day, golden light.

Ho’oponopono, A Prayer of Healing

Ho’oponopono is a practice I learned about during my Reiki training.  It is much like Reiki, in that it’s energy is healing and can work at long distances, or short ones.  I have said it for people I hadn’t heard from who I knew were ailing, and the result was that I heard from them. It changed the dynamic, and some type of healing takes place.

Healing can come from unexpected places.  Anytime you want to connect with someone and you and they are suffering, in anyway, say this, thinking of them.  It can heal you both, and heal all kinds of things.