Category Archives: Retrospecition

That Ugly Power and Control Gene

Posted on by learning to live like water

I shared a post on FB of the cover of the latest New Yorker mag. It’s a very unflattering caricature of the Cheetoman, hitting golf balls at the White House, breaking windows. It’s pretty funny. Someone commented that he is such an “unqualified” public servant. I replied, “he’s not a public servant, he’s a public nuisance.” Seriously……he only serves himself. Jimmy Kimmel had a video up from his show where he shows how the tweeter-in-chief has a habit of moving things when he sits down. At dinner, at his desk, or coffee table, at a conference…what ever. I think my ex used to do that a lot, especially when he was trying to show that he was working. Control issues, both of them. Gotta re-arrange the table setting to show it’s never right.

Then I saw a video, on FB, of Cheetoman in a ceremony to sign a bill, with everyone there, and then he walked out of the room without signing it. He thanked everyone, said we’d see some immediate changes, and then left the room. Pence tried to get him to come back, and DJT told him to bring the bill with him. He’s starting to lose his shit, really. It’s wild, but kind of scary to see someone in that position who is seriously losinig it.

Every day, there is more stuff about this mans inability to deal with his job. After dealing with my ex last week so much, I can’t really watch him much because I swear, he even looks like my ex. Same facial expressions, when I know he was trying to fool everyone that he actually had a clue what was going on, but didn’t. I really hate to listen to him. So most of the videos I just watch and shut the sound off.

It’s scary really, when someone is so hell-bent on power and control that they will lose everything, like my ex did. But to see that same personality type….with their fingers on the nuclear codes….and randomly tweeting in the middle of the night, constantly disrespecting our allies. Crazy scary shit.

I learned a lot about power and control when I left my marriage. I had no idea what had happened to me until I was in an online community for abuser survivors. Then, I found Brene Brown, among others, but it was her TED talk on vulnerability that really broke it down for me. I wonder if the orange one’s father berated and belittled him his whole life, like my ex did my son. Like my father-in-law did to my ex. And all of tRumps wealth and running for a job for which he is clearly unqualified, to say the least, was to prove to his father he was worthy. And I bet he’s still not. This is just random musing on my part, but he sure fits the bill.

What I’ve learned is that these people never can change. They will go down with the ship. You can’t save someone hell bent for terror. I tried, I kept thinking that one day he’d snap out of it, one day he’d see what he was doing. but he just consistently became more deeply imbedded in it. My ex would rather have lost everything than admit being abusive. The stories he makes up now, I just have to pick my jaw up off the floor. I gave up a long time ago setting his record straight. It only creates an argument to tell him, for example, that he had 16 years with our son, not just 6 or 7. He made up this outlandish statement to try to explain why his son wouldn’t talk to him, rather than face that fact that he was horribly abusive to him. Just made up a story, that he can tell people, so he’s not at fault, so he doesn’t have to face the shame.  I am so glad I had my moment of realization that he was never going to be able to change, and was never going to allow my family to live a normal life, and moved on.  Because, look at the life I have now.  It was worth 4 years in court, to salvage the rest of my life.  It was even more worthwhile, to see how well my son is doing, because I gave him a chance to see a different way of living.  Not in fear but in love.

DJT too, just tries to cover one lie with another. He’s a bully, to hide his own fear rather than face it.

Well, it’s whatever. I guess I’m a little retrospective today. That power and control gene is a tough one.

I have a nice day planned. Going out to the “Frankie and Johnny” show tonight to hear my good friend sing. Might even put a dress on for it, lol. It’s a beautiful day today, 80° and sunny. I probably need to do some baking for my son in the next day or two. And maybe for our new writer’s group. That should be fun. Think I’ll take a nap this afternoon too. I was up in the middle of the night again last night, and finally took an Ambien. I guess I got some sleep. You know those nights when you wake up and you don’t think you’ve been asleep, but the clock shows the passage of hours….That was me. I don’t want to be falling asleep at the show tonight.

Love and light everyone.

Singing the Song for 2017

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s New Year’s Eve. Time to reflect, to look forward, to enjoy the moment.

Reflecting….. Last year was a year of huge change for me. Never before have I had so many big changes in my life. Losing my mother. Retiring from a lifetime of work. Moving to Florida, to a completely different way of life. Moving my son away from me to Colorado. Ending a love affair that stopped bringing me pleasure a long time ago, and only brought me pain. And even so, it was a struggle to let go. But let go I finally have, completely.

All these changes were good. Every one of them. Even though I miss my son so much. I know he’s doing well, and happy, and making his own way. Thank God for cell phones, we talk every day. There are new people in my life, new friends, the budding of new relationships that bring a smile to my face.

I don’t deal with winter any more. That is such a blessing to me. I so hated being cold from the middle of October until the middle of April. Dressing in 4 or 5 layers, and still being cold. I hated dealing with snow, and the last few years we had mega amounts of snow up there, with only a few exceptional years. I hated driving in it, keeping the driveway clear and the walk ways, and being housebound.

Now…..when it gets cold here, it’s in the 50’s. And so far, for not more than 2 days, til the temperature creeps back up to the 70’s or 80’s. I can walk every day along the beach. I can see the ocean every day. The water here on the Gulf coast is warm, and calm, and soothing. Usually I am dressed in one layer, and more often than not, it’s shorts, or skorts (the skirts with shorts under them).

To be able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis is such a blessing. We are becoming so close. It has eased the pain of losing our mother last year. We joke all the time about how we channel her for each other. She and I have not lived close to one another since we moved out of the house around age 20. I’m going back there today, invited to her neighbor’s New Year’s Eve party which promises to be a blast, and it’s right across the street!. No driving with the drunks….

The future is looking bright. There is a possibility of a budding relationship. It is moving slowly, at a speed which, while sometimes frustrating for me, is a good thing really. I’m sitting back and let the universe drive the train. It’s fun to feel that way again, and actually have it reciprocated.

Financially I feel secure. Avalon, my home, my place of new beginnings, is coming along. All the big work is now completed. There are some jobs like tree-trimming, putting up a shed, landscaping that need to be done, but they will be done over the next few months.

Mostly, I have given up worry over things I cannot control. I have come to believe that the Universe has a grand design, which we cannot possibly understand in human terms, and that all will work out for the highest good of all. It’s not so much Pollyanna, it’s just that I agree with Marianne Williamson that the universe is self-organizing and self-correcting. It has been the way it’s worked for me, over and over again. I know that many people won’t agree with me, in fact, maybe most. It’s just the way it is from the perspective of my life. Not asking anyone else to believe it.

This year, I think I will try to do more giving back. There are a few things I’ve discovered here which I can get involved with that might make a difference in someone else’s life. I mean, I have such a happy life here. So free of drama and pain, so full of joy. I want to spread that around as much as I can.

Life is for living, for singing a joyful song. I’ve always known that, even though I’ve had a hard time singing so often. Through an abusive marriage, a failed love affair, a long period of terrible financial insecurity, I still always believed I could one day sing the song again.

I’m singing it now. It’s in my head, lol, I still don’t sing in front of people. But those close to me can hear the song. I guess this is why I trust that the universe is on it, organizing and correcting for the higher benefit of all. Because it’s taken me from terrible darkness, to the sunlight of Florida.

Love and light, everyone. Have a Happy New Year!

Really Settling In

Posted on by learning to live like water

Wow! Four nights of good sleep in a row, without any sleep aid. Last night was the best yet! 8 hours, with only one wake up for about a half hour. Awesome! So what is allowing me to sleep so well?

I think that I’ve let old things that caused me anxiety just go. I don’t wake up wondering about them any more, or even caring about them. New things, happy things, have come into my life, and when I wake up, I think of them and go back to sleep. I think I’m finally settling into my new life, and feeling comfortable here.  I am remembering that I named this house Avalon, a mystical place of new beginnings.  There was so much I wanted to let go of from my old life, and so much more I wanted to bring in with my new life.  It’s all happening.  I see that the journey from there to here was the way it was purposefully, bringing me to a much better, happier, fulfilling place.

For instance, tonight is open mic night. Both the friends I usually go with have been sick with bad colds, so I don’t know if either of them will go with me. But I am comfortable enough to go alone, because I know there will be people there that will be happy to include me. I have a circle of people here, and it’s a huge comfort to me, to have a base.

The big work on my house is mostly done now. I still have tree trimming and a shed to put up, but that’s not big stuff. No more workers in my house all day. I have to go curtain shopping for the windows now. The shades I bought will not work with the new windows, so I have to take them back and get something else. Right now my bedroom windows have tablecloths over them, and the living room has towels, lol. I’m going to re-install the blinds I had in the living room, they are fine for the living room. I had the same ones in my bedroom, but they let too much light in. I wanted the better shades I bought, but they won’t work. I think I’ll have to go for room darkening curtains. But that’s ok too. Whatever it takes.

When I was moving furniture yesterday away from the windows, the mirror on my dresser, big heavy mirror, fell off. Apparently the movers had stripped the holes where the screws went. So now I will need help getting it back up. I’m sure my handyman will help me with that. Thank God the mirror did not break. But it so aggravated me that the movers just left it like that.

I’m going to get going early this morning. To take back the shades, to look for curtains and a few other errands. I want to take a good long walk on the beach today. Tomorrow it’s going to get cold. Well, cold for here, lol. High of 60. By Sunday it will be back to 80, happily.

Lots of good things happening. I still pinch myself every day, I’m so amazed that I have this wonderful life here. Just so blessed, so lucky. When my sister and I were shopping, we were waiting in line to pay. She remarked that it was 3 PM. I said, “Oh good, we will have time to get into the hot tub for awhile and have a glass of wine before we go down to sunset.” Then I looked at her, hearing myself, and said, “It’s a rough life isn’t it? LOL.” She said “Thank you for reminding me…..” We both know how lucky we are.

Love and light, everyone.

A Noisy Silence

Posted on by learning to live like water

noisy-silence

A noisy silence in my ears
A thousand songs of love and loss
Hope and despair
Joy and sorrow.

Ah, but life is for living
Not regretting.
The songs fill my heart
And I smile.

Who has not felt all those things?
They made me grow
Taught me who I am
Breathed contentment into my soul.

I don’t cry,
I remember.
None of it hurts,
It just was.

The good parts
Bring a twinkle to my eyes
But they too,
Just were.

Moments in time,
A continuous story
My story.
And sometimes, yours too.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Painting by Fred Michaels, Saatchi Art, Google Images

Exorcising The Ghosts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.

It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.

I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..

IMG_2247

I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.

I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.

We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.

Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”

I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S.  I really didn’t want to either.  I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.

God that was a hard  beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.

Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.

I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.

I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.

I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.

And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.

I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.

The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.

By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.

I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.

I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one.  His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.

Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.

But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.

I made it.

Snapshots in Time

Posted on by learning to live like water

Snapshots-in-Time-Title

I have been pretty ambivalent lately in how I feel about him. I obviously missed him resulting in the blog about why we can’t be friends. I am also obviously a little distraught over my kitty. And I also fight a battle to be true to the person I want to be, which fights what I think is justice, resulting in the blog about compassion.

And I read a blog by a self-described narcissist who thought he was powerful, and made no apologies for being a user of people, which pissed me off, but moreso disgusted me.

Lots of conflicting emotions.

Scott used to complain so much about what I wrote in my blog. If he was acting like an asshole, I’ve always said so. And when he wasn’t I would say that too. I told him every blog is a snapshot in time, it’s what I feel at that moment, and it’s how I work through it.

I rue the day I EVER gave him the link to it. Worst decision ever…..

But he has it. And I feel he still reads them. Maybe not every day. I think sometimes, when he has curiosity or needs some attention, he still reads him. I have no way to verify that, it’s just something I “feel”. Which has often been a valid indicator. I do have my pendulums, but I still can’t be sure I’m getting real answers from them. They can also be a snapshot of the emotions that are being felt at the time.

So, I think I’ve figured it out at the moment. I don’t think there will be one definitive emotion. I don’t think I will ever say “I’m so done with him, I’ll never mention him again.” Or, “I will never miss him, look at what a jerk he was to me.” Or “I wish I’d hear from him” and leave it at that.

I think the emotions will come and go. I can see the pattern, but I can also see that the general trend is to keep him in the past, and let it go. It seems most days I’m doing that. It’s easier when I’m with other people, who remind me who I am and what I deserve from a man. And also remind me what a complete fuck-up fucktard he was, not only to me but to Betty.

It took years for my emotions to settle out to a consistent level after I left my ex.  Hopefully, it won’t take so long this time.

So…the blog continues to be a snap-shot in time. Like snap-chat except the blogs stay, they last. And good thing. It never hurts to have a whole lot of repetitive emotions on the printed page to remind you when you are frigging dying to reach out. And you know it would come to no good end, it would not do anything but re-open wounds that you’ve been working night and day at healing. And, anyway, the couple of times I”ve reached out, unable to quell the desire to talk to him, he has not responded. As if I’ve not been rejected enough.

Today, out running errands, by myself…(dangerous, to be driving around alone with your thoughts sometimes) I thought about how I was pretty sure they had plans for retirement, which my discovery of his lying cheating ass most likely put an end to. Suddenly it was important for him to get his house all cleaned up, and rooms painted, and fixed up. I think so he could sell it, or she could sell hers, and they could move in together. All of a sudden he was looking into Social Security, and getting the facts. Meeting with them. Telling me all about what you had to do and didn’t. And oddly getting mad at me when I already knew a lot of what he was telling me, but I’m close to that age, and I plan to start collecting it this spring.

So now…since I have a copy of the note she left him with the key to his house, saying it was all over, for him not to try to contact her, (and that was before she got my letter telling her the extent of his deception as well as a link to this blog), I would guess those plans are off for both of them. Wondering what he’ll do. Keep working? Since he had no plan before her, and probably doesn’t have one now. I have a feeling she can’t afford to retire unless she is with someone. That’s not something I know, but he told me a few times that she had terrible credit, had gotten into credit card debt, etc…..

And I know he wants to blame me for disrupting all of this. But I know at the end of the day he knows it was his own stupidity. He could have told me the truth for starters, back last spring. He could have kept his FB page hidden. He could have let me go any of the times I tried to break up with him because I wasn’t seeing him. Or the couple of times he told me he needs to be alone, and figure himself out. Usually followed within minutes or a day or two, with an offer to get together. I never took it seriously. But I did always tell him go ahead, I support that. I also told him do it, but that doesn’t mean I’m waiting in the corner for you when you decide you want to see me. If you want to be alone, be it…. And of course, he didn’t, because he made it up. He wanted to be with her, and with me. So he couldn’t go off an be alone.

Or he could have been honest with himself, and admitted that he only wanted to fuck two women, and didn’t really give a shit about either of them. I want to think he was more sincere about caring about her, but really….he denied us both to each other in exactly the same way. I just found out the truth. I don’t think she was looking for him to be lying so didn’t look for it But his choice to lead me on and build me up to a frenzy right up to the moment he told me about her, caused me to keep looking for answers. He knows I don’t “let things be” no matter how many times he asked me to.

So, I have a bunch of snapshots in the last 48 hours. Missing him, seeing him with compassion, being angry with him. And thinking about the bigger picture and how it affected him and her.

I don’t regret for a second that I made sure she knows. If he’d gotten a pass on it, it would have been a get out of jail free card, he would have done it again and again to her. (Which his history proves, his history with her and with me.) She might have gotten married to the SOB, to find her sheets soiled by another woman at any time. I wonder, often, if he had other women besides us two. If he went to see Samantha the prison whore after work some days. Or someone else. He has an insatiable need to prove himself sexually. And he can’t let anyone go, whose willing to give it to him. No matter what it will cost him if he’s found out.

He has neuropathy from being diabetic. After chemo, he wasn’t for a full year because of the weight he lost. But this summer his numbers went really bad, a fact I knew before he went to the dr and found out, because of that energetic connection we have. When all the real shit came down, I told him, it won’t matter soon, because your dick won’t be working all that much longer. I can be cruel too…..

At his age, it’s really disgusting. Honest to God. He’s gonna be 67 next month.

So today, I’m back to disgusted by the whole episode, and anxious to have it relegated to a corner of my past. Yes, I loved him. I loved him so friggin much it is ridiculous. Ridiculous considering who the man turned out to be. More ridiculous that I can say I still love him, but not in that needy, lustful way.

Snapshots…that’s all these are. Just snapshots of my emotions as I continue to work my way through this so I can have a free heart for the right guy.

The Biggest Fool

Posted on by learning to live like water

Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room.   I am ok alone, I always have been.

When I was married, I loved being alone.  At least for the last 10 years.  To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.

My ex is in a bed of his own making.  Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40.  But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number.  One number in his phone number.  And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake.  I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure.  I’d want to get away.  But he never did what one might expect.  I’ve known him for 46 years.  I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore.  I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.

It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was.  I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way.  Just seems so incongruous.  I guess there was always a hint of it,  but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest.  He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.

But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months.  Daily, hourly with me, lies.  He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle.  I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t.  He knew for sure that I didn’t.  He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how?  How did you do that?

He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous.  Only if I loved someone else.  But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me.  And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight.  I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back.  I said, we won’t have sex if he does.  S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.”  So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell.  He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be.  At least, that’s the guy he showed me.

I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her.  Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone.  But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night.  He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room.  We’d be texting and sexting as normal….

Damn, he was good.  Gutsy.  But in the end, I’m free of him.  I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans.  Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone.   Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her.  He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol.  I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans.  He would say are you still mad about that?  “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after.  “It was stupid.  We could have had so much fun.  My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare.  We’d have had it alone.  Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….”  And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story.  I never did.  But I sure didn’t think he was with her….

She and I will be ok.  B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will.   I think I can too.  I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have.  Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.

Oh well.  Don’t know why I’m going here tonight.  Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why.   It’s simple.  He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her.  I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.

Peace out.  Love and light to all.

 

Just Some Observations

Posted on by learning to live like water

 I wrote a blog about S and I, about how we would get together after work. But I’ve deleted it, just now. Decided it was too personal. 

I went to bed last night, and just thought about how it was, and how he could be that way with me, and then leave and go to her bed the next day…and never tell either of us.  What kind of mentality allows someone to do that?

How could it not be special?  He said, after I found out, “My relationship with you is nothing like my relationship with her.”  How could he separate his emotions like that? How could he be two different people? How could he not feel extreme guilt when he was with either of us?

Well, we always pay.  What we bury, or ignore, or deny, our bodies deal with.  No wonder his diabetes is back.  No wonder he had those terrible headaches last summer.  Maybe the headaches were a lie too, just an excuse he made up so I wouldn’t press him to see him on Saturday night.  Nothing is for sure anymore.

I told him, back when I would talk to him, to see his pulmonologist.  I didn’t think the health issue I was feeling was his diabetes.  I thought it had to do with his breathing.  Probably because when I’ve done reiki on him, his heart and throat chakras were so blocked.

It’s all just an observation now.  I look at what happened without emotion now.  It’s not really even a pleasant memory anymore, just a memory, like a dream that suddenly goes bad.

You wake up, and say, it was just a dream.  An hour later, you’ve forgotten it.

I’ll find someone else to sit on the deck with me and stargaze.  I’m letting go, with every word I write.  7 weeks out, I think I’m doing pretty well.

Just Some Retrospective Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I texted with A till 11:30 last night. He is good for my soul, he loves me so purely. It was soothing after this crazy week.  I told him about the new treachery of the week. How it didn’t cause new heartbreak, but that the sheer volume of the lies and betrayal just  overloaded my ability to cope with it.

He asked if my heart was closed. Yes, until I can figure out how I let this happen to me.

He asked me to open my heart to him. He said just practice on me, lol. No commitment.

I laughed a little. I don’t want a relationship. I want to discover why I have made such bad choices in men, why I so easily believed all the lies when they are now so obviously lies I should have seen 100 miles away. I need to do some soul searching, I need to clear my head.

I told him that the whole thing has made me feel nauseous, like, dirty. Like I was raped all summer repeatedly. I feel dirty. How could I have not known?  To be having intimate incredible sex with someone who was also having it with someone else.  It’s just so disgusting to me.

Lies. Just a bed of lies.

A is such a good kind man, and so stuck on a woman who can’t love him. But at least I have not led him on. He knows the truth.

I gotta admit S never told me he loved me. He told me he didn’t want to be in love. Although once when we were talking about it he said “I said I didn’t want to be. I didn’t say that I wasn’t”.  Another time when he was leaving I told him I loved him and he replied “in my own way I love you too Deb.”  So I guess he kind of did. Enough to keep me there. 

He often said he cared a lot for me, “you know there’s a lot more than sex going on here.”  It seemed so. We spent a lot of time laughing, talking, sharing. All day, every day. An ongoing convo. I was part of his every day life, moment to moment.

I cannot imagine leading A on. I cannot conceive of lying to him to make him think I cared more than I do.  He has always known where I stand. I don’t try to keep him in my life. He stays in it out of choice.

Well, I guess we are seeing the end result of lying as a way of life.

I keep thinking about how S kept telling me to read the Art of War. The first rule was to avoid war at all costs.  Yet.., he set up a scenario that was bound to end up blowing apart two women’s hearts, to start a war. He says he is not unscathed. I have to laugh at that.  It was not his heart that was betrayed so callously, so cruelly, so carelessly.

And kept trying to get me to play the ancient game of “Go”.  He loved it, because it was all about saving face. I hated the idea. Saving face?  Geezus.  Own your story, make amends, grow, change, become a better man.  Save face when you have betrayed people who love you?  What kind of false comfort is that?  I’d have to ask him which face he wanted to save, he has so many.

I’m feeling very detached from it all this morning.  At least, way more than yesterday.  I’m starting to rise strong again.  I’m making pretty good progress, I think. But from time to time I need to reflect, and see at what points I could have made other choices that would have prevented all this pain.

And I don’t need to save face, lol.  I need to stand in my truth and own my story.  And that, I can do.  Every time.