A Noisy Silence

noisy-silence

A noisy silence in my ears
A thousand songs of love and loss
Hope and despair
Joy and sorrow.

Ah, but life is for living
Not regretting.
The songs fill my heart
And I smile.

Who has not felt all those things?
They made me grow
Taught me who I am
Breathed contentment into my soul.

I don’t cry,
I remember.
None of it hurts,
It just was.

The good parts
Bring a twinkle to my eyes
But they too,
Just were.

Moments in time,
A continuous story
My story.
And sometimes, yours too.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Painting by Fred Michaels, Saatchi Art, Google Images

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An Evening Out

mangia

The evening air was sultry.
Sea breezes blew across our shoulders
from the bay
From beyond,
Giving us respite from the heat of the day.

Quiet music charmed the diners
As we sipped our tea
And carried on intimate conversations,
Or laughed together,
And met new people,
Under the lights strung through the trees
Like twinkling stars.

We clapped our hands
For the singers
Who got up and sang for free
For the joy of singing.
Only happiness and contentment
Filled the air.

Sometimes it’s not that way
Sometimes it’s more raucous
With singers belting out the blues
Or rock and roll,
And people dancing.

But not that night.
That night was just laid back
And perfect.
Evoking memories
Of hot summer nights
In another life
Long ago and far away
And intimate conversations
Under the stars
With people that I loved,
Still love.

There is a continuum,
From then to now.
The energy and the love survive all,
Love always, and all ways.

Flying Home

Sunset

I woke unsettled on my last morning here.  My plane leaves at 10:45.  I am usually unsettled when I travel, so I’m not surprised.  I think there’s something just non-sensical about flying from Sarasota FL to Chicago IL to Hartford CT in 7 hours in a large heavy metal container with 300 other people.  I don’t understand the physics of it, but I accept that they are.  Yet, I think somewhere deep inside, there is a primal scream, lol, saying “It’s not possible!!”

That being said, I have learned to sleep on a plane quite easily, or read, and I don’t get nervous.  I know there is a logical reason.

I once had to fly from Connecticut to Texas, to the funeral of my beautiful niece, who was killed in a car accident while visiting Australia.  She was 24.  Brilliant, valedictorian of her class, spiritual, funny, OMG, so funny.  And beautiful.  She was the star of our family, the 2nd of my younger sister’s 5 children. She was, without a doubt, an old soul.  We all knew it, her wisdom was far beyond her years.

I flew by myself to Chicago, where I met up with my older sister, brother-in-law and my mother, and we flew together to Dallas.  On the first leg, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so sad in my life.  My marriage was breaking up, I was broke, (my older sis paid my plane fare),  and now I had to face saying goodbye to one of the really most beautiful people I’d ever had in my life.  We had a special bond, she and I.  Everyone remarked on it.

So, I was looking out the window of the plane.  We  flew above clouds that whole trip, so it was blue sky above, and white clouds below.  Staring out the window, thinking, trying not to cry the whole time. Wondering why this had to happen, why we had to lose her when everything else was already falling apart.  Suddenly I saw the shadow of the plane, perfectly, on the clouds.  And then I realized the shadow had a rainbow aura all the way around it.  It followed us all the way to Chicago, for 1100 miles.

It was one of those signs.  I was suddenly not alone, and there was promise.  I think now, it was my niece’s way of comforting me, of helping me to get through that sad lonely flight.  It was a sign that she was ok, she was around.

I’ve had many times that I’ve felt her energy around me since.  Many unique experiences that have let me know she is close by.

I don’t know why I went here this morning, except I am flying to Chicago to get home, which makes no sense to me, but it’s no different than flying to Detroit, to get home on another trip.  So far out of the way, but it’s how they do things in that crazy business.

Today I’m flying back to my present life, while I’ve spent the last week beginning to prepare for the future in a big way.  I think I’ll be glad to be back to my routine.  I’ll be glad to see my son, my cat, sleep in my own bed.  I’m going to have to continue the work I’ve done down here in preparing for a move.

The realtor has not gotten back to me since Sunday, I’ve left voicemail, email, and texts with her.  She was getting back to me within minutes up until Sunday night when I had some questions about the way a contract needed to be written.  Not sure what’s up with that, but if I don’t hear from her today, I’ll call the listing agent on the house, and cut her out of the loop.  I’ll meet with my realtor at home next week, finish getting the house ready to put on the market, get the pictures taken, get it listed by the end of the month.

I do know if the house I like doesn’t become mine, it’s because the Universe has something better in mind for me. Just staying in the flow, taking one thing at a time as it presents itself.  Looking at the entire process at once can terrify me, it seems like such a huge undertaking for a single 65 year old woman.

My thoughts of S are far from where they were at the beach yesterday.  I’m not feeling badly about him at the moment, just not feeling much at all.  He still can get on my mind, but I think that the walk on the beach was very instrumental in the letting go process.  Not feeling an attachment at the moment, and that’s a good thing.  Making room for new things, letting go of those things which don’t bring me any happiness, or add to my life in any way except negatively.

My sis and I drove down at the last minute last night to see the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico.  There apparently wasn’t one, lol.  There were clouds all through the horizon, covering the sun on it’s way west.  But still I got the picture above, which was kind of mystically cool, as it was hazy, and tinted light pink anyway.  I think the ocean is just good subject matter, lol.  It is such a metaphor for our emotions. I hope you all enjoy it.

Life is good.  I’ll be back tonight, from the comfort of my family room at home.

Love and light, all.

The Biggest Fool

Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room.   I am ok alone, I always have been.

When I was married, I loved being alone.  At least for the last 10 years.  To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.

My ex is in a bed of his own making.  Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40.  But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number.  One number in his phone number.  And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake.  I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure.  I’d want to get away.  But he never did what one might expect.  I’ve known him for 46 years.  I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore.  I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.

It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was.  I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way.  Just seems so incongruous.  I guess there was always a hint of it,  but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest.  He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.

But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months.  Daily, hourly with me, lies.  He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle.  I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t.  He knew for sure that I didn’t.  He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how?  How did you do that?

He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous.  Only if I loved someone else.  But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me.  And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight.  I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back.  I said, we won’t have sex if he does.  S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.”  So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell.  He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be.  At least, that’s the guy he showed me.

I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her.  Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone.  But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night.  He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room.  We’d be texting and sexting as normal….

Damn, he was good.  Gutsy.  But in the end, I’m free of him.  I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans.  Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone.   Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her.  He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol.  I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans.  He would say are you still mad about that?  “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after.  “It was stupid.  We could have had so much fun.  My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare.  We’d have had it alone.  Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….”  And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story.  I never did.  But I sure didn’t think he was with her….

She and I will be ok.  B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will.   I think I can too.  I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have.  Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.

Oh well.  Don’t know why I’m going here tonight.  Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why.   It’s simple.  He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her.  I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.

Peace out.  Love and light to all.

 

The Prayer, My Prayer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbviXG_56ss

There was a time in my life, about 4 years from 2007 to 2011, when I was just spending every moment trying to hold my own in court against my abusive crazy ex.  My son came to live with me in 2009, but I still had nothing, except my paycheck and some child support, to support us until the Supreme Court decision in 2011.  After 30 years of marriage he held every asset we owned and the court would not order him to release any of it to me, except for attorney’s funds. My car was falling apart, I was building up a good chunk of credit card debt.  I was scared a lot, but had to keep pushing on, for my son and I. I don’t remember ever feeling safe, or that my son was. It was without a doubt, the hardest 4 years of my 64.

I would listen to this song, and sing along with it, the words

Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.

And then I’d cry, and pray.

In the end it all turned out ok.  My prayer was answered.  But whenever I hear this, I can remember…..

Lucky 7’S

S and I are over, as best I can tell, as I talked about in the last blog, The End of the Line.  But something is kind of bothering me, and that is this.  Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows why it ended.  I made it very clear how different we are, in relationship expectations, life style, etc.

I don’t think I ever explained, at least not well enough, why I loved, still love, this man so much. In all fairness to him, he deserves some good press.  He’s not a monster, he’s a very cool guy but what he wants is just way different from what I want. So here goes a list of why S is lovable.  At least, that’s my perception, even though he keeps telling me I shouldn’t assume I know what he wants.

1.  He made me laugh. All the time when we were together.  His sense of humor is quirky, off beat, and spontaneous.  For example, we were out for breakfast one morning.  He noticed the woman in the booth in front of us had her ear peeled  to every word we said, and kind of seemed like she was trying to figure out our relationship. One of the waitresses said something to me about my husband. He said immediately, loud enough for everyone to hear, “I’m not her husband!!  I’m just her lover!!!  Her husband is at home asleep!!”  The woman in front of us must have spit her coffee across the table she laughed so hard. As did I…

One morning he woke me up blasting the Black Eyed Peas, playing air guitar and dancing in his birthday suit.

Most of his humor is just running commentary which comes from his unique and unusual way of looking at the world. It’s never mean. Sometimes it takes me a minute, so it also makes me think. Which is good (or dangerous, according to S.)

2.  He is a wonderful story teller. This is something I really love, and cannot do, unless writing it. And  my God, does he have the stories. I have never known anyone who has lived in so many diverse places, and communities, nor had so many varied, unusual, amazing and often funny experiences. I loved to sit on my deck or in his recliner and listen to his stories. Yet, he is one of the most low-keyed quiet men I’ve ever known.

3. He’s smart. Really smart. He takes his time figuring out how to solve a problem. Pragmatic. Doesn’t get all aggravated (at least not for awhile, lol). He uses his intuition a lot in problem solving. It’s a wonderful thing to see.  He’s very creative. My experience with other men and problems they had to solve was, I’ll just say, different.

4. He reads, a lot. He loaned me a book which I absolutely love. My ex did not read. It was wonderful to be able to discuss books with a man.

5. He took me on the best day trips. He understood my love of the ocean and anything water (and shared it) and took me to some really beautiful hidden away places. And others not so hidden away where he had stories to tell.

6. I love his blue eyes (as anyone who reads my blog knows) and his thick curly salt and pepper hair.

7.  I loved making love to him. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Lucky 7.  Makes me wish things had turned out different. But it wasn’t meant to be. I have some great memories, I hope he feels the same.

And no, I will not give anyone his phone number….