Stream of Consciousness Saturday: Art


This is a Stream of Consciousness Saturday post.  The writing prompt this week is “Art”.  for more information on this fun writing prompt, see  Linda Hill has a great blog, and great ideas for writing prompts.  This is my second attempt at her SoCS.


A picture was painted this morning
By the artist-at-large
In this world.

It is a sensory work of art,
the green of the leaves on the trees,
The blue of the sky
the scent of lavender,
the cool, almost imperceptible breeze,
rustling the leaves,
gently caressing my body.
The rich cup of coffee in front of me.
The sound of birds singing,
Neighbors dogs barking
And oddly the sound of cars on the road in the far distance.

I try to recreate the painting
With my words.
I try to make the reader feel it,
Because it seems too fabulous not to share.

I suppose that is what art is, to me.
The sharing of our emotions in such a way
As to evoke a similar response
Or a response at all,
From someone else.

I love art that makes me feel.
I love a book, or a post, or a movie, or a painting,
Or a piece of jewelry or pottery or a poem
That can make me cry, or laugh hysterically.

I want to feel.
Feeling lets me know I’m alive.
Art lets me know I’m alive,
When it makes me feel.
Inspires me to feel.

I hope that I also do that
In some small way
With my art.
With my writing,
Or my jewelry.
I hope it inspires people to feel.
Mostly to feel good.
To broaden their perspective,
To lift their gaze.

Or, just leaves someone a little happier for having run across it.
Art, is, it seems,
A wonderful way to extend love in this world.

The Search for Excruciating Joy

joy is

The closer I get to retiring the less I want to go to work.  It’s hard when you are a relatively short timer.  This morning was particularly difficult.  Maybe because I was up for about an hour in the night last night.  And maybe because when I woke up I had a little vertigo, which happens from time to time. Maybe because I was alone all weekend, which was 3 days because of the snow Friday. Maybe because it’s going to snow for the next 4 days, on and off.

UGH. I am really a whiny baby this morning.

I am going to get my oil changed on the way to work this morning. It’s so overdue, I’ve never let it go this long. I just kept forgetting. Bad, bad. I need this car to last me.

On a positive note, I got a couple necklaces made yesterday, one of them a gift for my sis when I go to Florida. I got the tray cleaned off that I lay them out on, it was so full of single beads and chips and chain and clasps left over from other projects it was almost difficult to lay a new one out.

I guess my problem at the moment is that ordinary is not cutting it for me. I want joy, excruciating joy. The kind of joy that makes your skin sensitive, your head spin it is so intense. Joy. My life is good, it’s fine, but at the moment, so ordinary. So bland. I don’t want drama, God knows I’ve had enough of that. I just want joy.

So I was looking for a picture to put at the top of this blog. I searched “Joy”. All I could find was “choose joy” or “joy comes from within”. Or something along the lines that it’s not something you find, it’s something you decide to live.

I know this. I’ve always known this. I shake my head at how far from my center I am this morning. I see where my work lies. About to do a little resetting of my attitude.

Yeah, excruciating joy. That’s all.

Day One, 2016. Good Day.


Astrophyllite pendant

Quiet first day of 2016. I was alone all day, which was fine. I was tired from going to bed at 1 AM, and not sleeping that well. I made the pendant in the picture today. The stone is a natural stone called Astrophillite. I’d never seen the stone before, and really liked the irridescence embedded in the black stone.

I looked up the metaphysical properties, and found this:

Astrophyllite is a stone of self-knowledge and self-acceptance that is said to promote a feeling of well-being. Through this self-awareness and acceptance, it is said to be excellent for releasing unhealthy behavior patterns or bad habits. It is said to help one reach and align with the soul’s purpose.

Astrophyllite grounds and calms, as well as protecting. It can bring fidelity, honesty between partners by activating a soul-connection that allows the partners to “see into” the other’s soul. It is said to give the ability to make major change that moves forward your life journey in a positive way, something akin to the saying that when a door closes, a window opens somewhere. Astrophyllite is said to help with astral travels. (from

Geez. Too bad I didn’t have this stone over the summer. I just bought it a couple months ago. Coincidental? Well, I have it now.

I actually started this pendant the other day. I coiled the wire for the wavey feature on the right the other day,then put it all together today. The cube shaped clear stones are clear quartz crystal. Total time to make it was probably 5 or 6 hours. I’ll put it up on my Etsy store when I get more pics taken.

I really enjoy making jewelry, especially this type of wire wrapping. It uses a different part of my brain than writing, and it does me good to be creative in another way besides writing. I tend to get too much in my head sometimes, with writing. Especially when I’m alone all day. I start wanting answers to questions that will never be answered. I begin to feel people’s energy that would be better left alone.

It was coming on pretty strong today. So I sent Reiki to him fairly intensely for a half hour earlier today. I don’t know if he’s even open to it. If he’s not he won’t get it, but it will be there for him if he is. It helped me anyway. I turn the energy back around toward him with a loving intent, and it balanced me at the same time. All has been quiet since.

It’s a quiet evening now. I’m watching Coneheads on TV, it’s such funny movie. I remember when it first came out, my ex and I were on our boat, going down the Connecticut River with 1000 other boats. This had to be in the 80’s. Some guys came up the river, in the opposite direction in a candy red speedboat, flying up the river. When they went by us, we could see that they had coneheads on….OMG, we were laughing so hard…

Hope everyone had a good and peaceful first day of the year. Love and light.

A Day Alone

Went out with a friend last night, just for a couple glasses of wine.  It was nice, a lovely warm evening, felt like typical summer.  We sat outside, and talked and talked, lol.  It was good to get out, and not be left alone with my thoughts again.

The struggle was easier yesterday, I was in a place of acceptance, thanks to the gongs.  Sound healing is beginning to reach a standing in the scientific community.  Which well it should.  Everything vibrates, everything is vibration.  Gongs match the human vibration on a cellular level, and they seem to know where to go, what you need to deal with, and allow it to happen.  It can be painful as it comes up, not just emotionally, but sometimes physically.  I have had joint issues, etc, that were painful during the gongs, but so  much better after.  One night my carpal tunnel was killing me during the gong bath, but that night I slept with absolutely no pain, no sleeping pills, nothing.  And sometimes, it is emotional pain that comes up…and is allowed to heal, like Friday night.

So much healing is available.

Anyway, the gray skies have cleared to sunny, clear, but breezy.  A sailor’s dream.  I  think I’ll be home today, making jewelry.  Except to run out to the store, and get the bagels for my son that I forgot yesterday.  I looked at my checking account balance this morning, lol.  I need to get some new things on my jewelry site, and make some money….Probably sit on my deck, it’s my favorite place to do it.  I have so much stuff, that has been sitting idle, not made because of my issues with my hand.  But that’s now resolved, so I think I’ll get creative today and see what comes up.

I’ll be alone today, all day…my son is working, then has a date…he’ll be gone until late.  I hope that the voices in my head stay still, and let me be, lol.  It’s easier not to think about “things” when his chaotic energy is in the house.  Young, effusive, righteous, lol.  places to go, people to see, things to do…..

Love and light all, have a peaceful Sunday.

Lucky 7’S

S and I are over, as best I can tell, as I talked about in the last blog, The End of the Line.  But something is kind of bothering me, and that is this.  Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows why it ended.  I made it very clear how different we are, in relationship expectations, life style, etc.

I don’t think I ever explained, at least not well enough, why I loved, still love, this man so much. In all fairness to him, he deserves some good press.  He’s not a monster, he’s a very cool guy but what he wants is just way different from what I want. So here goes a list of why S is lovable.  At least, that’s my perception, even though he keeps telling me I shouldn’t assume I know what he wants.

1.  He made me laugh. All the time when we were together.  His sense of humor is quirky, off beat, and spontaneous.  For example, we were out for breakfast one morning.  He noticed the woman in the booth in front of us had her ear peeled  to every word we said, and kind of seemed like she was trying to figure out our relationship. One of the waitresses said something to me about my husband. He said immediately, loud enough for everyone to hear, “I’m not her husband!!  I’m just her lover!!!  Her husband is at home asleep!!”  The woman in front of us must have spit her coffee across the table she laughed so hard. As did I…

One morning he woke me up blasting the Black Eyed Peas, playing air guitar and dancing in his birthday suit.

Most of his humor is just running commentary which comes from his unique and unusual way of looking at the world. It’s never mean. Sometimes it takes me a minute, so it also makes me think. Which is good (or dangerous, according to S.)

2.  He is a wonderful story teller. This is something I really love, and cannot do, unless writing it. And  my God, does he have the stories. I have never known anyone who has lived in so many diverse places, and communities, nor had so many varied, unusual, amazing and often funny experiences. I loved to sit on my deck or in his recliner and listen to his stories. Yet, he is one of the most low-keyed quiet men I’ve ever known.

3. He’s smart. Really smart. He takes his time figuring out how to solve a problem. Pragmatic. Doesn’t get all aggravated (at least not for awhile, lol). He uses his intuition a lot in problem solving. It’s a wonderful thing to see.  He’s very creative. My experience with other men and problems they had to solve was, I’ll just say, different.

4. He reads, a lot. He loaned me a book which I absolutely love. My ex did not read. It was wonderful to be able to discuss books with a man.

5. He took me on the best day trips. He understood my love of the ocean and anything water (and shared it) and took me to some really beautiful hidden away places. And others not so hidden away where he had stories to tell.

6. I love his blue eyes (as anyone who reads my blog knows) and his thick curly salt and pepper hair.

7.  I loved making love to him. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Lucky 7.  Makes me wish things had turned out different. But it wasn’t meant to be. I have some great memories, I hope he feels the same.

And no, I will not give anyone his phone number….

Re-creation (Or, Yes, Mercury is in Retrograde)

Every so often things come apart.

They just weren’t put together to hold.

So you pick up the pieces,

You discard that which didn’t hold together.

You reshape the design of the whole,

To include only those things you want to keep.

It’s a little scary.

But it’s also comforting,

When the things you wanted to hold together

Seem to now fit together better.

And amazingly, the new design seems to be one

That can grow, and stretch

Maybe this time without breaking.

On Vulnerability and Love

The morning was gray, and quiet. I sat on my deck, having coffee, reading blogs, reading email. Doing some pensive introspection. About myself. About S. About vulnerability.

I have been a champion of vulnerability. I have watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability maybe a dozen times. She speaks to what I have always known, but did not form into a cohesive thought until I saw her speak.

I have never been afraid to be vulnerable. Not with my friends, not with strangers, not with the men in my life. Not in my blogs, or my book, or with my son. I do believe that you don’t give someone all your secrets, until they have proven the right to hear them.  I give it out a little at a time, but I give it.  I will initiate it.  I am not afraid of it.

I believe it is the only way to have a real, fulfilling, human experience. I believe, as Brene does, that it is the birthplace of creativity, of joy. It is the ying of the yang. You can’t know joy if you don’t risk something. You can’t be creative if you are afraid of failure. You can’t expect someone to open up to you their deepest darkest secrets if you won’t share in kind.

Vulnerability means that you take a risk, you put yourself out there. Not knowing what the outcome will be, if you think that there might be a reward that makes it worthwhile. There is no risk-free existence. You can’t imagine that just because you love someone they will always love you back. You can’t believe that everything will always stay the same. Change happens. And when it happens, and you hurt from it, instead of closing your heart, you have to thank God you are able to love so passionately, so fully. Because it means you are alive. If you hurt….it is the ying to the yang. There is no great reward without great suffering.

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru, who when given the option of love vs. suffering, chose suffering, because it was then that he would grow. Learn about himself.

So, we wish those who cause us to suffer, love and light. We let them go on their way, in their life, and hope that they find joy. We find ourselves better prepared to go on with LIFE, and LIVING, because we have a deeper understanding of what brings us joy, and peace.

One of my favorite quotes is from Khalil Gibran. It states:

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

I have a friend who was devastated by an ex. This persons heart is closed now, for the most part. They do not want to love again, to risk giving of themselves because the pain is so great. I see cracks in the wall occasionally. But the person quickly fills them in, and retreats behind the wall again.

To me, it is like being dead before you are dead. So love didn’t work out that time, or the time before. Maybe it worked for awhile, a long while, and then it changed. Change is part of life. Loving to me is living. I cant’ separate the love of a person, from love of myself, my family, of every living thing. To stop one is to diminish all. Because they are all connected.

This being said….if we love someone to the best of our ability, and they choose not to return it for whatever reason, it’s not healthy for us to continue to dream that they will. There is a time to let go, and acknowledge that this is not the one for you. It comes with self awareness. Let go with joy, wishing all blessings and happiness to that person. And then risk being vulnerability again.

Never forget that once you decide what you want, the universe will conspire to make that happen. Thoughts become things, so think the thoughts about what you want. Not about what you don’t.

And live. LIVE.

Islands in my Dreams, A Little Tease from the Universe

I was on a dating site last night. I don’t know how else to meet men my age. There are scammers, and crazies, but every once in a while there is someone real. I think I was on the site, just to take my mind off of the ugly way in which the relationship with S ended. And end it did. I am relieved, glad, happy not to hear from him again. Glad to feel free to move on, with no left over emotions, no regrets, but with real recognition that it was a toxic relationship for me.

But I digress.

I was on the quickmatch thing, where you see a person’s pictures and profile, and click yes or no. Generally, this site gives me a few that are geographically acceptable and a lot that are over 100 miles away. A little too far to say, catch a movie at the last minute. I don’t understand why they show me those profiles, when my parameters are set to 50 miles from my home. (As a friend says, they are GUD – geographically undesirable, lol.) This site also rates their compatibility by percentage, based on your and their answers to what could be 100’s of questions.

But whatever. Last night I was just kind of future tripping, sitting in front of the TV, while it snowed yet again here in CT. It was just fun, reading profiles, checking out answers, etc. Just getting back into the dating mood.

Then, like a joke, it showed me two men back to back, that were perfect. 94% and 98% compatibility. Both were creative types, grounded, laid back, happy. And why shouldn’t they be. 94% lived in Vineyard Haven on Martha’s Vineyard. It’s one of my favorite places.

I should interject here, that I used to cruise the New England coast with my ex in our 41′ boat. The Vineyard was a regular destination each summer. It’s just beautiful. I have a print of Menemsha, a fishing village on the Vineyard, on my family room wall, beside one of New London Harbor which is my home port.

Needless to say, I stopped on that profile. Now…the Vineyard is a good 4 hours from here, by car and ferry. Absolutely not a possibility for a relationship in reality. But I did a bit of daydreaming about this man and being on the Vineyard with him. One of my best friends husbands grew up on the Vineyard, (he is also a close friend) and one year we met them up there, and they drove us around the island, to Gay Head, Menemsha, other beautiful spots.

He was definitely my type. Nice looking, laid back, creative, a warm smile. Looked quite capable of loving a woman. I sent him a message and told him I wished the Vineyard was closer, and that I was sure he was going to make some woman quite happy.

Then I sadly clicked no….

The next match popped up and it was the 98% match.  Another creative laid back type, and he lived in Siasconset, on Nantucket. If there is anywhere I love more than the Vineyard, it’s Nantucket. At first I was like, WTF, dating site?? Why are you teasing me with these profiles, so perfect and so far away. But I did a little remembering and daydreaming again.

Nantucket was another place we visited fairly regularly in the boat. The village of Nantucket is quaint, with cobblestone streets and gas lamps. One year when we went we rented a jeep and drove all over the island, to the villages of Madaket, Surfside, Miacomet and Siasconset, which is better known as ‘Sconset. Sconset is where Ahab’s wife lived, in Sena Jeter Naslund’s book “Ahab’s Wife”, my all-time favorite book. Probably my favorite because a lot of it takes place there. ‘Sconset looks east, to the vast Atlantic. It’s like another world. I sent 98% a message similar to the one I sent 94%, how lucky he was to live there, and I hoped he found a wonderful woman to share his life with.

I don’t know why I sent the messages, but it was lovely to have a small daydream about some of my favorite places on earth. I call them “places of my dreams”. I hunger to go back there some day. To be out in the middle of the ocean, on solid ground, and breathe the salt air, feel the sea breezes. God, I miss it.

Sigh. Back in reality, here in CT, sitting comfortably cozy while another snowstorm makes it’s mark, I was happy. Just to be reminded that there is beauty out there, waiting for me.

The universe was teasing me, for sure. Teasing me into remembering all the possibilities, as ugly memories fade away into oblivion. I am grateful.

The Day After Christmas (or Post-holiday ruminations)

It’s the day after Christmas. I am off of work til January 5, which is a nice long break for me. But I am feeling unsettled this morning. Kind of like, wow, what do I do now?

The weeks before Christmas are full of decorating the house, buying gifts, mailing gifts. And baking baking baking,lol. Dozens of cookies, a couple of cakes. Trying to spend time with the people I love too.

So this morning….I’m making a list of what I want to get done. First, I want to get to the gym, lol. And begin to work off some of those baked goods, lol. I have errands for the house I want to get done. I need to clean the house too! I mean, you know, the get in the corners, get that space behind the toilet that I always let go. I need to get a new lens for my kitchen light, I need to start to figure out how to replace the glass in my fireplace door that exploded last year. I need to order fuel oil, I need to try and figure out how to read my fuel oil gauge, I need to get two new tires for my car.

But….I don’t want to just stay busy. I am feeling a need to be creative.

I want to write. I want to work on the book I have not picked up in months. I’m in the editing stage, and not really enjoying that as much as writing. But I want to actually finish this someday. So it is something I need to get through. Maybe it will be one of those “your struggles make you strong” kind of things. But here I am, instead of editing, writing this blog.

I want to make some jewelry. I have so many many stones to wrap, so many things that are sitting in my bead cases waiting to be made.

I want to get to the ocean. Crazy, I’m sure some people think. It’s winter. But the sea is beautiful now. The beaches are empty, and the air is clear. The horizons are void of activity of boats, save the occasional commercial fisherman, or barge. No one plies the waters to Block Island or Montauk for pleasure in December. No, the only activity is the sea itself, teeming with life below the surface. The waves, the perpetual motion, on the surface. The surf pounding the shore in its beautiful rhythmic song.

The winter sea

The winter sea

The sea breeze grazes my cheek, it tosses my hair, bringing me to life with it’s scent. It is vast, and beautiful, and reminds me I am a teeny part of some grand design, and I am blessed, and calmed.

Sometimes I am lucky and get to go with someone who loves it as I do. It is a place we share, that is made even grander by the sharing. We scour the beach together, he finds me a pine cone, I find him a shell, he brings me nugget of quartz, smoothed and rounded by years of rolling in the sand, perfect for a pendant. Sometimes we find a lovely peace of sea glass, the more rounded and soft the edges, the longer it has been kept by the ocean, which now gives it up for our pleasure.

When we look to the sea, I think our dreams are similar, not the same. I look, toward what I call “The Places of My Dreams.” The beautiful islands, coves, beaches, harbors, that dot the New England Coast. One of the places of my dreams I know what it is like to make a crossing that might be hours long, on a blue blue sea on a blue blue day. His dreams, I don’t know. But he spent years living out there, out of sight of land, in the company of few men, and lots of water, and fish. He understands it better than I…he reads it better than I. But our love for it is probably equal.

So, this morning, I am unsettled. I don’t know where to begin, but begin I must. I think I may want to take a small break from HAVING to do things, run errands, clean house…..let me have a day to myself, to remember who I am, to do the things I love to do, not what I have to do. See if I can figure out what I want to accomplish in the New Year. And perhaps, come a little closer to being the person I want to be.

Writing is so cathartic for me. I think, that after I go to the gym, I will take the advice of my man- friend-lover and “Let it be”.  I’ll let the day unfold the way it will. And let love lead the way.  Do a little more learning to live like water.