Tumbling

  1. Crashing waves.gif

I rode the wave
Into the shore,
Thinking it might be fun
To let it have it’s way with me.
I tumbled as it broke
With a violent effort
It tried to break me.

Over and over
I tumbled
Tangled in the chaotic froth,
Lifted to the surface,
Driven down again
To scrape the bottom.

Just as I thought it would own me,
The wave receded
It left me on the shore,
Breathless and dizzy
Naked and scared
Sand-scuffed and bruised.

Laying face down
Hair matted with grit
I breathed and
I rose.
I stepped back from the edge
And watched.

The wave kept coming back
Washing up on shore
Trying to convince me
It had changed it’s ways
That the ride would now be gentle
And pleasant,
As it tried to grab my ankles
To pull me under its spell again
And toy with my life.

But the power was mine now.
I could dance on the edge
Or run from the madness
Of the breaking wave.

There will be other victims
Who think it might be fun
To roll with the wave.
Until they get sick of being left
Face down in the dirt.

The wave will retreat.
It may regroup
Come charging back into the shore
In a mad show of power.
I’ll be gone.
I’ll be gone.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Advertisements

Baptism

baptism

Who knocks on my door?

The demons of the past,

Or the new ones

That I don’t know yet?

Is it love?

Am I so afraid of it now?

Fearful of being blinded by the light

And in my blindness

Cursed,

Laid waste to?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

How I long for that easy life again,

The one where everything made sense.

The one that flowed like water from my veins,

And heightened all my senses.

Now they are heightened in a different way.

Hyper-vigilance

Defensive.

Protective.

Fearful.

Come back to me,

Peaceful ocean.

Come back and render me speechless again.

Lift my face to the sun,

Let it’s warmth dry my salty tears.

Let me dance in the rhythmic waves,

Let the wind rearrange my hair.

Take my naked body and baptize me

Once again,

In the joyful sea of life.

Whatever Remains, Let It Go

IMG_1997.JPG

It was quiet by the ocean yesterday.  There were other people in the park, couples walking their dogs, or walking the walking paths, kids flying kits.  Not many on the beach though. maybe a half dozen.  I was alone, a few people were alone as well.

The park is an old estate, complete with a 40 room mansion, now used mostly for weddings.  I went to one there once, we were walking around the mansion, pretending we were actors in Downtown Abbey.  There are all kinds of formal gardens, and one has a statue of a Buddha in it.  Usually when I go, I offer something from the sea to the Buddha, a pretty stone or shell.  I did so yesterday too, and set it down with the intention of letting go.

I had done something others might feel was foolish before I went.  S used to talk a lot about when a relationship ends wanting closure.  I had been feeling that I wished it didn’t end so ugly, though I don’t know what other outcome there could have been, when there were so many lies and deceptions, all by him.

But I texted him, just saying I would be there, if he’d like to talk, and get some closure.  I didn’t have any expectation that he’d come, I didn’t really care if he came.  I have had a feeling that he’s a wreck, I thought it might be something he needed.  But there was no answer, which is answer enough in itself.  I won’t ask again.  It was for him, not for me.  And really, what closure would there be?  He probably blames me that he’s lost Betty, not himself.  I doubt very much that at this late date, he is ever going to own his story, this story, that he created to fail.

It makes me sad for him, but it’s his journey.  I wash my hands of it.  If he wants to reach me he knows how.  But since he didn’t respond to the text, I’m pretty sure he won’t try, at least not for a long time.

In the meantime, I am loving having a drama-free life.  I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on me.  There was constant never ending drama, even before the breakup.  There was him always wanting to see me for a few hours, me fighting it, me wanting him, me trying to understand what was going on.  I was spending so much time and energy on him.  And now, I have a lot of time and energy for myself, my son, my home, my friends, and who knows what else. It’s like breathing again.

A has been in constant communication with me from Santa Fe.  He was dating a woman who a couple weeks ago decided they would just be friends, which he was ok with.  Then asked him to her hot tub.  He was going to go.  Then he sent her by accident a picture of himself, meant for me.  It was just his normal good morning sweet Deb picture, but she took exception to it, though he says she knew about me, and also, that they were just friends.  Then yesterday she told him he wasn’t giving her enough attention or courting her properly….

He said, this is way too confusing.  Too much drama.  I’m afraid this is goodbye.

I kind of felt bad for him, but really…she sounds like she had mixed emotions, and was so inconsistent.  He was fine, but a little frustrated, confused by it.  I think I helped him understand it a little, and I was glad to be there for him.  He has talked me down so many times. He asked if my life was still drama-free, and I was happy to tell him yes.

I do miss S, from time to time.  But I always remember him before last spring, when she came back.  When I remember what transpired between last spring and now….it is easy to walk away from it, and put it all behind me.  I’m still looking, but I have the feeling that the man I’m looking for will be in Florida when I move there.

Just some introspective thoughts today.  Morning meditation:  Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.  Whatever remains, let it go.

Love and light.

PS  The picture at the top I took yesterday.  It is where I own a boat slip.  It reminds me to keep my perspective on what a small part of my journey the last 18 months really is.

 

 

Energy-Laden Random Thoughts

Feeling all over the place this morning.  Trying to put this stuff in some kind of random order, so I know where I am.

I went out with a friend last night.  First time I have been out in ages, maybe since S and I split up.  It was good for me.  We went to a little Italian restaurant and sat at the bar.  It’s in a small town on the Connecticut River. A band began to play at 9, and opened with Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic”, which is one of my favorite songs of all time.  Then they did Van Morrison’s “Caravan”.  Also love that.  Love Van Morrison.  Then they did 2 Neil Young songs, “Old Man” and “Heart of Gold”. Love him too.

It’s been AGES since I listened to live music. They were pretty good too, and funny between songs.  They could have used a sax on the Van Morrison stuff but it was still great.  I was sitting in my bar stool, singing along, kind of seat dancing to it.  I laughed when they played Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down” because the first time I saw a psychic, I was battling with S over his offers of a “nice afternoon”, aka a physical relationship.  And the spirits and guides that showed up, the psychic said, came in singing that song.  She, the psychic, had never met me before, and only knew my first name.  She said, “they’re singing Stand your ground, don’t back down.”  My friends kept looking at me while she was telling me this, we had just discussed this on the way to the psychic in the car.

So here I was listening to this music, first “Into the Mystic” which S always said was his favorite Van Morrison song, and Neil Young.  One night S and I watched a 2 hour special on Neil Young.  I remember laying in his bed one afternoon listening to a Neil Young CD, such a pleasant afternoon.  And then “I Won’t Back Down” which made me laugh.  Lots of his energy hanging around me.

It was around all day yesterday, I was feeling his energy.  Strongly in the morning, not so much in the afternoon.  Then last night at about 1:30 I was wide awake and had some very strong feelings from him.  I fought with myself not to do what I would have done 2 or 3 months ago and sent him a text asking if he was ok, or wanted to talk.  It felt panicky.  But I didn’t.  I knew that doing that would end up in the wrong place, would be taken wrong.  And just because I feel it, doesn’t mean he wanted to talk to me.  If he did, or does, want to talk to me,  he knows how to reach me.  I let him deal with it himself, and finally got to sleep by sending him reiki to calm him down energetically.  Of course, he didn’t ask, but if he doesn’t want the reiki energy he won’t get it.  It will just hang outside his aura.  It can never hurt….  I felt everything calming finally, maybe it just calmed me.  But anyway, I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep finally.

Thinking  of going to the shore this weekend.  We are having exceptional weather for December.  Sunny, not too cold. I need to put up a notice at the yacht club to try to sell my boat slip, and I haven’t been to the water for a long long time.  It would do me a lot of good.  Maybe take a sandwich over to the park where S and I had our first date.  It’s a beautiful place.  I don’t think it would trigger anything bad, but would bring some peace.  Maybe tomorrow, it’s going to be close to 60°, which is crazy here in December.

So it’s all good.  I’ll get a lot of stuff done around the house today, make a nice dinner for my son and I.  Maybe catch up with some friends.  Just a nice quiet life.

 

The Day After Christmas (or Post-holiday ruminations)

It’s the day after Christmas. I am off of work til January 5, which is a nice long break for me. But I am feeling unsettled this morning. Kind of like, wow, what do I do now?

The weeks before Christmas are full of decorating the house, buying gifts, mailing gifts. And baking baking baking,lol. Dozens of cookies, a couple of cakes. Trying to spend time with the people I love too.

So this morning….I’m making a list of what I want to get done. First, I want to get to the gym, lol. And begin to work off some of those baked goods, lol. I have errands for the house I want to get done. I need to clean the house too! I mean, you know, the get in the corners, get that space behind the toilet that I always let go. I need to get a new lens for my kitchen light, I need to start to figure out how to replace the glass in my fireplace door that exploded last year. I need to order fuel oil, I need to try and figure out how to read my fuel oil gauge, I need to get two new tires for my car.

But….I don’t want to just stay busy. I am feeling a need to be creative.

I want to write. I want to work on the book I have not picked up in months. I’m in the editing stage, and not really enjoying that as much as writing. But I want to actually finish this someday. So it is something I need to get through. Maybe it will be one of those “your struggles make you strong” kind of things. But here I am, instead of editing, writing this blog.

I want to make some jewelry. I have so many many stones to wrap, so many things that are sitting in my bead cases waiting to be made.

I want to get to the ocean. Crazy, I’m sure some people think. It’s winter. But the sea is beautiful now. The beaches are empty, and the air is clear. The horizons are void of activity of boats, save the occasional commercial fisherman, or barge. No one plies the waters to Block Island or Montauk for pleasure in December. No, the only activity is the sea itself, teeming with life below the surface. The waves, the perpetual motion, on the surface. The surf pounding the shore in its beautiful rhythmic song.

The winter sea

The winter sea

The sea breeze grazes my cheek, it tosses my hair, bringing me to life with it’s scent. It is vast, and beautiful, and reminds me I am a teeny part of some grand design, and I am blessed, and calmed.

Sometimes I am lucky and get to go with someone who loves it as I do. It is a place we share, that is made even grander by the sharing. We scour the beach together, he finds me a pine cone, I find him a shell, he brings me nugget of quartz, smoothed and rounded by years of rolling in the sand, perfect for a pendant. Sometimes we find a lovely peace of sea glass, the more rounded and soft the edges, the longer it has been kept by the ocean, which now gives it up for our pleasure.

When we look to the sea, I think our dreams are similar, not the same. I look, toward what I call “The Places of My Dreams.” The beautiful islands, coves, beaches, harbors, that dot the New England Coast. One of the places of my dreams I know what it is like to make a crossing that might be hours long, on a blue blue sea on a blue blue day. His dreams, I don’t know. But he spent years living out there, out of sight of land, in the company of few men, and lots of water, and fish. He understands it better than I…he reads it better than I. But our love for it is probably equal.

So, this morning, I am unsettled. I don’t know where to begin, but begin I must. I think I may want to take a small break from HAVING to do things, run errands, clean house…..let me have a day to myself, to remember who I am, to do the things I love to do, not what I have to do. See if I can figure out what I want to accomplish in the New Year. And perhaps, come a little closer to being the person I want to be.

Writing is so cathartic for me. I think, that after I go to the gym, I will take the advice of my man- friend-lover and “Let it be”.  I’ll let the day unfold the way it will. And let love lead the way.  Do a little more learning to live like water.