Tiredness fills the cracks
Where the light’s supposed to be.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Image by Susan Kendal, via Google Images. Quote by Leonard Cohen
Tiredness fills the cracks
Where the light’s supposed to be.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Image by Susan Kendal, via Google Images. Quote by Leonard Cohen
You were ev’rything
To me. Sun, moon, heat, light and
Shadow. Also that.
Where light could not reach
You crept, with distorted truth
Filling the dark space.
Dazzling me, like light
I could not discern, at first.
I dreamed it was real.
You laughed, suffusing
Darkness disguised with strange glow
It’s taken me time
To eradicate your gloom
You’re strong in your fear.
But only light can
destroy the darkness, so go.
You can’t hurt me now.
You also can’t change
My belief in love’s power.
Still, I can see you.
Love needs no reason
to be unconditional.
Always, and all ways.
dance to melodies unheard
Glowing sea this night.
Busy busy day. I’m now on the couch watching Will Smith in “Focus”, back to blogging. 🙂
Washed all the downstairs windows and glass doors on the inside. It was too cold to try to do the outside. It’s going to snow tonight. But they look nice, even without the outside glass having been cleaned. Plus I did a couple loads of laundry, ran to the store for a few things. Oh, got my kitchen counters cleaned. One of the counters is part of an L wider that the rest, and kind of separates my kitchen from the eating area. It could fit bar stools if I used it that way, but it is where everything ends up.
I tried to price up a new door for my fireplace. It looks like they are between $250 and $400. However, I cannot figure out how what I’m buying. My fireplace door has a bunch of parts to it, I can’t tell what I’d be replacing, I can’t for the life of me figure out how the old one comes out and the new one goes in. I took a flashlight, looked up inside the fireplace at the back side of it, and all I got for my efforts was really dirty.
I will need some help with this. I think I’ll have to borrow my BFF’s husband to help me out with it.
I talked to a guy about enrolling for Medicare. I will need to do that in the next month, even if I choose to stay on my company’s insurance. So I’m meeting with him Wednesday night.
Busy busy. I’m beat tonight. Fell asleep on the couch already once before dinner.
Speaking of which, my son wanted tacos, and so made them for us. With very little intervention from me. I just cut up some onions and peppers. He did the rest. His dad was a really good cook, and I think my son takes to it naturally. Which is nice, for me occasionally.
It’s been a good productive day. There have been thoughts on the periphery, I can’t seem to stop them. I try not to pay too much attention to them though. It’s just energy, I think it’s slowing down. I think it got stirred by the medium Friday night. All the excitement about the house. I found I kind of wished I could share it, momentarily. Until the tunnel vision of one moment turns cinematic, and I see the whole big picture.
Nope. Keeping that door closed on my end. The momentary fun and relief would soon be overshadowed by the darkness he spreads over everyone and everything.. I’m too much in the light to go back there.
I think I’ll go soak my hands in lavender essential oil paraffin wax that I’ve been melting down all afternoon.
Love and light everyone.
Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.
I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.
You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.
The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.
Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.
When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.
Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.
I wrote that blog last night about the hammer, and didn’t think about the fact that S might read it. I don’t have any idea if he still reads my blogs. I don’t know why he would, except to reassure himself on some sick level that I still think about him. I would guess if he reads that one, he’ll get angry, and think it was all about revenge. (My pendulum still says he does, though not every day. It just seems illogical to me, that he would. We have not spoken since I told him he was dead to me. So why he would want to read it? Maybe to reassure himself he is really not dead to me? Who knows?)
Well, of course I think about him. But I don’t think of him with any pangs of longing, it’s more like a bad habit I’m breaking now. Kind like when the text alert goes off on my phone, I still first think of him, because we used to text so much.) He is less and less on my mind. What he did is more and more just another experience I lived through and learned from.
Neither of the experiences that I wrote about, he or my ex-husband, were about getting even. Neither of the experiences was about revenge. My ex was about getting what was mine, and being fair. I only brought the truth to light so I could survive.
S was about bringing the truth to light as well, so that everyone knew exactly what was going on, and so could make their own decision about whether or not they wanted to be part of it. I feel that I did the right thing for myself, for her, and whether or not he wants to believe or accept it, for him. A relationship based on a lie is nothing, except an ego boost for the narcissist, that he once again pulled the wool over someone’s eyes and got away with it. While I normally stay out of other people’s business, I felt that since I was the third leg of his triangle, it was my business. He involved me where I didn’t want to be involved. And when you pull one leg out of the triangle, it’s going to collapse, it’s a law of physics….
Both men were someone I loved, and men I hope the best for in the new year. I am so happy to be moving away from all that drama.
I have a nice New Year’s Eve planned with a friend. We’re going to try to get an early dinner somewhere, (because we have no reservations and probably can’t get any at this late date) and then hang out at my house and talk, drink wine, watch movies, lol. I’m glad I won’t be alone, but if I was, I’d probably just write and write, lol.
Love and light everyone. May 2016 be our year!
I’m running late today. I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work. I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.
Thinking about change this morning, starting anew. Change is the only constant in life. I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore. The picture seems pretty complete. I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached. Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did. I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did. I hope now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively. I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him. It’s still there. Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.
I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive. I am hopeful. I am not needy. I have a life, a good life. Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with. I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something. Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house. Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.
The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here. We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground. We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure. We can only hope it lasts til March.
Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea. Just accept and embrace it. The universe knows what it’s doing.
A few days distance from the lies, and the waves of my emotions are returning to a place I am more comfortable with. Gentle swells on the ocean, rhythmic rising and falling. My head has stopped spinning and the heavy weight of so many lies and such deceit has been passed from me to the universe, where it will be righted, and atoned.
I have so often espoused unconditional love in my blog. Last night, I suddenly felt a wave of deep sorrow, not for myself or Betty, but for S. I just cannot imagine living a life in which I thought I had to lie and deceive to keep people in my life. I have this same feeling about my ex, I cannot imagine feeling so unworthy of love and belonging that I felt the only way to keep people in my life was to control and abuse them.
That being said, I know it is the journey of both men to discover that they too have a center in their soul which is an expression of God. I cannot help them. If they don’t want to find it, they will not. Free will….lets them choose.
If only they knew the joy that lay in letting that light shine.
I know my ex, when he was young, was trying to let it shine. He tried to do the right thing. I have to say, he was faithful to me and never lay with another woman. But he was unfaithful to me, in his lies and dishonor and disrespect, his anger, his self-centeredness.
I still feel that when I met S, and he was just out of chemo, he was grateful to be alive. He was trying to live his life in gratitude. While he didn’t disabuse me of the notion that Betty had done him horribly wrong, he didn’t talk much about it, and only said occasionally he didn’t know how he could have been so wrong about someone. He added no other lies to his repertoire that I know of during that time. There was the prison whore, but he did come to me, look me in the eye and tell me he knew he wanted to be with other women. The fact was that he couldn’t take my sorrow and my sadness. I think he was shocked to see the depth of the love I had for him. He told me he would rethink it, and we continued on. But the desire was in his heart, and he did the prison whore a couple of weeks later, and told me. Then he came to me, and told me about it from where he stood, and I understood him, and I forgave him.
The point is, he was trying to be honest then. That’s when I fell madly in love with him.
And a month later, when Betty came back into his life, the lies began. Based on the man I knew and loved, why would I have even suspected? Maybe he just reverted, maybe the pull to his younger self was too strong, the energetic ties there too strong for his newly found honesty and gratitude to survive. There was so much history there to remind him, at the deepest level, of who he used to be, and he succumbed.
I think he liked the drama. He loved living on the edge. Once he told me about being rescued off a ship by helicopter. I asked if he was afraid. He said no, that he felt the most alive when he was living on the edge. Every time he was with one of us, and we hadn’t figured out that the other existed, he felt had walked on the edge and survived.
Sadly, I think the only time he felt loved was when someone was crying over him. And maybe when one of us took him to our bed and adored him.
The only time he felt alive was when he was risking it all.
Therein lies his work, if he chooses to do it.
What do I do about my belief that the love never dies, that my love for him was unconditional? It is, it was, it will always be. But that doesn’t mean that I accept his behavior. It doesn’t mean I would ever subject myself to the possibility of that kind of pain again.
But I look at him, and still see that child’s soul, just wanting to be loved for simply existing, but never receiving it. Never having his own soul’s beauty validated. He became what he believed he was, he lived up to the expectations of other damaged people.
I hope he will go within, if he remains alone. Or even if he doesn’t. I hope he will try to learn to love himself, and let that light, that I glimpsed for a few lovely months, shine. I hope he will own his own story and see the incredible lessons he can learn from it. It’s not too late for him, even at age 66 he can redeem himself. He can still evolve.
I’m just much more comfortable with love than hate. I am more comfortable hoping for the best in his future, than dwelling on the ugly in his past. Who more than S, needs unconditional love? He is in my prayers.
Not that I want his future to include me. My path has gone far from him, but he will always be a big part of who I am. I learned so much from this experience. Hard lessons, and some happy ones. The one I am happiest about is that I am capable of loving someone so intensely. That I am not afraid to be seen, regardless of what the outcome will be. Obviously, the outcome here was not one I wanted. But I trust that there is a reason for that, for my higher good, and everyone else’s. I trust that I needed to learn these lessons to be ready for the outcome I want. I have faith that it will manifest one day with someone more closely aligned to my vibration.
The hard lessons, well, we all know what they are. I’ve talked about them enough.
Looking for balance this morning, I guess. I know this much is true….The love never dies. It has become like water, transformed into a cloud, and will rain down somewhere else soon.
I made a decision today, this afternoon, to consciously let go of the pain and heartbreak. In order or me to be true to myself, I have to stick with my values, the idea that is the basis of who I am, my center. It is a belief in the power and the importance of unconditional love. I will let S go, with love and gratitude. I will not become bitter, I will not be angry, I will not berate him, I will not judge him. I will love him, always. But I will move on, and wish him peace.
A few months ago, he wrote a poem, called “Night and Day”. It was about us, and how different we were, how we could never occupy the same space. I posted it, but then took it down, because I wanted to keep it for myself. It was sad, but real. I hung on anyway. But he was right, all along. Our relationship was the beautiful dawn, and dusk, when the sun and the moon complement each other and set the sky ablaze.
I loved loving him. It is really none of my business if he loved me or not, though I suspect he did in his own way. He hated vulnerability, and could not put himself out there the way I could. Our life experiences were opposite of each other. But I love the man, his humor, his quirky way of seeing things, his intelligent off-beat brain. I loved going to the beach with him, though it was always in winter, when it was cold. We would have endless stretched of beach to ourselves, and took advantage of that when we could. There were many months that went by when we never had a bad moment. Those are what I take away.
I have always put myself out there. I’ll risk the pain of rejection, and really, in all my years this is the first time I’ve experienced it, because I’d rather risk that, than risk having regrets for not speaking up, not offering myself completely. So, there are really no regrets here. If he has any, I don’t know, it’s none of my business. I have gone back to the light, he has receded into the darkness that he loves. He feels safe there I think. I get that. I only feel safe when I can see, or when I love. I never was any good at hiding.
I’m going to try to make this my last post about him. I am going to try to write more about other things that are important to me, that drive me. There may be a new man in my life, I don’t know yet where it’s going to go. But I want to give it my energy, instead of hanging onto a relationship that was never going to work.
I sent him an email today, I said what I needed to say as lovingly as I could, and said goodbye. I am glad he was in my life. And now, I am determined to find joy in the divergent path. In my mind, the relationship really ended last spring. Alternately, we each tried to hang on to the parts of it we liked but they were never the same thing.
Day and night. Night and day. Can’t have one without the other. Peace, S. Love always, all ways.
You thought that you were hidden
That the darkness kept you invisible.
But you didn’t know
The light from your eyes
Pierced through the shadows and the darkness
And illuminated the path to your soul
For those that cared to see it.
One woman, this woman,
Saw your sadness of keeping hidden
And followed the light beam
To where you had lived so silently,
To take your hand
And walk with you
Into the light.