Haiku No. 173: Where Light Cannot Reach (8 Parts)

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You were ev’rything
To me. Sun, moon, heat, light and
Shadow. Also that.

Where light could not reach
You crept, with distorted truth
Filling the dark space.

Dazzling me, like light
I could not discern, at first.
I dreamed it was real.

You laughed, suffusing
Darkness disguised with strange glow
Sorrowful aching.

It’s taken me time
To eradicate your gloom
You’re strong in your fear.

But only light can
destroy the darkness, so go.
You can’t hurt me now.

You also can’t change
My belief in love’s power.
Still, I can see you.

Love needs no reason
to be unconditional.
Always, and all ways.

Busy, Staying in the Light

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Busy busy day.  I’m now on the couch watching Will Smith in “Focus”, back to blogging.  🙂

Washed all the downstairs windows and glass doors on the inside.  It was too cold to try to do the outside.  It’s going to snow tonight.  But they look nice, even without the outside glass having been cleaned.  Plus I did a couple loads of laundry, ran to the store for a few things. Oh, got my kitchen counters cleaned. One of the counters is part of an L wider that the rest, and kind of separates my kitchen from the eating area. It could fit bar stools if I used it that way, but it is where everything ends up.

I tried to price up a new door for my fireplace.  It looks like they are between $250 and $400.  However, I cannot figure out how what I’m buying. My fireplace door has a bunch of parts to it, I can’t tell what I’d be replacing, I can’t for the life of me figure out how the old one comes out and the new one goes in. I took a flashlight, looked up inside the fireplace at the back side of it, and all I got for my efforts was really dirty.

I will need some help with this. I think I’ll have to borrow my BFF’s husband to help me out with it.

I talked to a guy about enrolling for Medicare. I will need to do that in the next month, even if I choose to stay on my company’s insurance. So I’m meeting with him Wednesday night.

Busy busy. I’m beat tonight. Fell asleep on the couch already once before dinner.

Speaking of which, my son wanted tacos, and so made them for us. With very little intervention from me. I just cut up some onions and peppers. He did the rest. His dad was a really good cook, and I think my son takes to it naturally. Which is nice, for me occasionally.

It’s been a good productive day. There have been thoughts on the periphery, I can’t seem to stop them. I try not to pay too much attention to them though. It’s just energy, I think it’s slowing down. I think it got stirred by the medium Friday night. All the excitement about the house. I found I kind of wished I could share it, momentarily. Until the tunnel vision of one moment turns cinematic, and I see the whole big picture.

Nope. Keeping that door closed on my end. The momentary fun and relief would soon be overshadowed by the darkness he spreads over everyone and everything.. I’m too much in the light to go back there.

I think I’ll go soak my hands in lavender essential oil paraffin wax that I’ve been melting down all afternoon.

Love and light everyone.

 

 

 

 

Promise of the Sunrise

Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.

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I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.

You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.

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The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.

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Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.

When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.

Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.

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Just Bringing the Truth

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I wrote that blog last night about the hammer, and didn’t think about the fact that S might read it.  I don’t have any idea if he still reads my blogs.  I don’t know why he would, except to reassure himself on some sick level that I still think about him.  I would guess if he reads that one, he’ll get angry, and think it was all about revenge.  (My pendulum still says he does, though not every day.  It just seems illogical to me, that he would.  We have not spoken since I told him he was dead to me.  So why he would want to read it?  Maybe to reassure himself he is really not dead to me?  Who knows?)

Well, of course I think about him.  But I don’t think of him with any pangs of longing, it’s more like a bad habit I’m breaking now.  Kind like when the text alert goes off on my phone, I still first think of him, because we used to text so much.)  He is less and less on my mind.  What he did is more and more just another experience I lived through and learned from.

Neither of the experiences that I wrote about, he or my ex-husband, were about getting even.  Neither of the experiences was about revenge.  My ex was about getting what was mine, and being fair. I only brought the truth to light so I could survive.

S was about bringing the truth to light as well, so that everyone knew exactly what was going on, and so could make their own decision about whether or not they wanted to be part of it.  I feel that I did the right thing for myself, for her, and whether or not he wants to believe or accept it, for him.  A relationship based on a lie is nothing, except an ego boost for the narcissist, that he once again pulled the wool over someone’s eyes and got away with it.  While I normally stay out of other people’s business, I felt that since I was the third leg of his triangle, it was my business. He involved me where I didn’t want to be involved.  And when you pull one leg out of the triangle, it’s going to collapse, it’s a law of physics….

Both men were someone I loved, and men I hope the best for in the new year.  I am so happy to be moving away from all that drama.

I have a nice New Year’s Eve planned with a friend.  We’re going to try to get an early dinner somewhere, (because we have no reservations and probably can’t get any at this late date) and then hang out at my house and talk, drink wine, watch movies, lol.  I’m glad I won’t be alone, but if I was, I’d probably just write and write, lol.

Love and light everyone.  May 2016 be our year!

Change Is In The Morning Breeze

I’m running late today.  I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work.  I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.

Thinking about change this morning, starting anew.  Change is the only constant in life.  I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore.  The picture seems pretty complete.  I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached.  Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did.  I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did.  I hope  now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively.  I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him.  It’s still there.  Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.

I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive.  I am hopeful.  I am not needy.  I have a life, a good life.  Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with.  I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something.  Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house.  Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.

The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here.  We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground.  We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure.  We can only hope it lasts til March.

Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea.  Just accept and embrace it.  The universe knows what it’s doing.