Consciously, with Love and Gratitude

I made a decision today, this afternoon, to consciously let go of the pain and heartbreak.  In order or me to be true to myself, I have to stick with my values, the idea that is the basis of who I am, my center.  It is a belief in the power and the importance of unconditional love.  I will let S go, with love and gratitude.  I will not become bitter, I will not be angry, I will not berate him, I will  not judge him.  I will love him, always.  But I will move on, and wish him peace.

A few months ago, he wrote a poem, called “Night and Day”.  It was about us, and how different we were, how we could never occupy the same space.  I posted it, but then took it down, because I wanted to keep it for myself.  It was sad, but real.  I hung on anyway.  But he was right, all along.  Our relationship was the beautiful dawn, and dusk, when the sun and the moon complement each other and set the sky ablaze.

I loved loving him.  It is really none of my business if he loved me or not, though I suspect he did in his own way.  He hated vulnerability, and could not put himself out there the way I could.  Our life experiences were opposite of each other.  But I love the man, his humor, his quirky way of seeing things, his intelligent off-beat brain.  I loved going to the beach with him, though it was always in winter, when it was cold.  We would have endless stretched of beach to ourselves, and took advantage of that when we could. There were many months that went by when we never had a bad moment.  Those are what I take away.

I have always put myself out there.  I’ll risk the pain of rejection, and really, in all my years this is the first time I’ve experienced it, because I’d rather risk that, than risk having regrets for not speaking up, not offering myself completely.  So, there are really no regrets here.  If he has any, I don’t know, it’s none of my business.  I have gone back to the light, he has receded into the darkness that he loves.  He feels safe there I think.  I get that.  I only feel safe when I can see, or when I love.  I never was any good at hiding.

I’m going to try to make this my last post about him.  I am going to try to write more about other things that are important to me, that drive me.  There may be a new man in my life, I don’t know yet where it’s going to go.  But I want to give it my energy, instead of hanging onto a relationship that was never going to work.

I sent him an email today, I said what I needed to say as lovingly as I could, and said goodbye.  I am glad he was in my life.  And now, I am determined to find joy in the divergent path.  In my mind, the relationship really ended last spring.  Alternately, we each tried to hang on to the parts of it we liked but they were never the same thing.

Day and night.  Night and day.  Can’t have one without the other.  Peace, S.  Love always, all ways.

9 responses to “Consciously, with Love and Gratitude

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