The sun comes up so much later in just the last 2 weeks. I’m outside before it, again. There is a wee, crescent moon, a single star hidden behind the leaves of the tress and the eastern horizon is lighting up pink, fading to gray blue in a cloudless sky. It is cool, but not cold, about 68 degrees. No blanket needed this morning, the cool air fees lovely on my bare arms.
I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach, and food is still difficult though I am able to eat without feeling like I’m going to get sick. I think now, it is not so much pain, but is so much regret, and confusion, and inability to comprehend what this whole past weekend was about.
First, the snake. I knew that the metaphysical meaning of a snake showing up in your life meant change. I just looked it up for a closer look, at the meaning, it’s been a long time. Here is what I found.
“Transmutation is the key word here. The shedding of old skin and emotions and transforming them into something bigger and better. If Snake winds itself into your life know that change is in the wind and that you are at the center of it all as the catalyst. Make sure that your intentions are clear and that you have clear a clear sense of the direction that you need to strike out in. Snake is letting you know that these changes are safe and that there is no need to fear them.”
And another site.
“The snake animal meaning is powerfully connected to life force and primal energy. In many cultures, it is revered as a powerful totem representing the source of life. When the snake spirit animal appears in your life, it likely means that healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy are manifesting.”
So, believing that there are no coincidences, I should probably look at the snakes appearance in my life in the very middle of all the weekend chaos, as a sign, that there is huge change coming, and not to be afraid of it. That, combined with the message from the Secret Scrolls that I published a couple days ago, which both said the same thing. I need to lose the fear of change.
I sat last night, after I published my last blog on wanting to know the truth, and rolled around the events of the day and the weekend. I am not meaning to be obsessed. This is a habit I got into when I was married to a man who delighted in being devious, and loved to gaslight me, and just see if he could create a situation that would make me believe all the wrong things. He did it for the pure joy of knowing he could control my mind and emotions. So, I learned to read the signs, to be hypervigilant, to do my best to stay one step ahead of him.
In replaying everything last night, I still know that the conversation I had with S was not the truth. That it was far from the truth. And that it’s design was to lead me into some chaotic path, back to him, without him having to own up to whatever it was he had planned, designed, and carried out.
Maybe it was like I said, they were together, it didn’t work out, and he was backtracking, to undo the damage he had done. Maybe the entire scenario was a fabrication, right from the start, maybe he never talked to her at all, but made this up because he knows how jealous I am, to reassure himself that I still wanted him, and to get me to stop with ending the relationship. I had been publishing all week prior to the appearance of Betty Boop, that I was done with the screwy relationship, that caused way more pain than pleasure for me. Nothing adds up to him receiving a call from her, telling me she’s back in his life, I should be happy for him, and it’s all he ever wanted, and then telling me they have just talked for a week. I believe either they got together, hence me not hearing from him all weekend, and suffering all weekend, because he just didn’t give a damn, he was so caught up in the possibility that she was “back in his life”, or he made the whole thing up to keep me from breaking up with him.
I have the voicemails still, that he left telling me he wished I’d be happy for him. But I don’t want to listen to them again. In my memory, they seem genuine, his voice seems as if he’s not acting. But then again, he’s good at taking on roles,
The point this morning is, it doesn’t matter to me right now exactly what happened. I know I don’t have the truth, and what the truth is doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I was lied to. And that is only equal with the fact that he knew how much pain I was in all weekend, and did nothing at all to ease it.
He is incapable of loving, but even more important he cannot empathize, he has no ability to understand another person’s pain, and he cannot stand to be accountable for the consequences of his actions. Childish, immature, and so far from the man I thought he was, and so far from the man I want.
Back to the snake, I know the ball in the pit of my stomach is the transformation which has begun. My transformation, out of this relationship, to open the door in a real way to a better, happier life. It is letting go of something I held dear for a long time, and had dreams around, but every minute the fog is burning off my psyche and I see the truth a little bit better. As it comes into focus, I will heal.
This morning, even though I can look at what happened and still feel enormous anger at S, I have to feel sorry for him too, that he felt compelled to make up a story to me, rather than tell the truth. That he has so little confidence in who he is, that he can’t be real, even with me, who never asked him for anything except love which was the one thing I could not have. I hope he does what he’s been telling me he needs to do for 6 months, and that is to go and find himself. Find what he wants, find what he needs to be, and do with the years remaining on this earth. He has so much potential, but he sets himself up for failure in his belief that he is not worthy of love and belonging. I thought I could help him learn to believe that he has value because he exists, for no other reason. But I can’t, couldn’t. He needs to find that out for himself, to love himself. He needs to learn to silence his ego, and allow his spirit to lead the way. Then there is a possibility he will be able to love another person and not cause them both endless pain.
The sun is up now. It promises to be a hot late summer day. This time of year, I always think, is this the last hot day until next summer? Will I feel the waves of warm moist heat on my skin again for many months? Every warm day in September is a blessing. It is a good time for change, for transformation. The autumn here is known for it’s beauty, the hills and mountains heavily wooded, covered with red, and gold, and orange, and still some green. It can be breathtaking.
I would like to have my breath taken away by something beautiful for a change.
Note: the picture at the top is from my deck as I wrote this blog.