Spirits are rising
Joyous celebration fills
Kindred hearts with hope.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Amelia Island Plantation Blog, via Google Images
Spirits are rising
Joyous celebration fills
Kindred hearts with hope.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Amelia Island Plantation Blog, via Google Images
Joy not impeded,
A beautiful brilliant garden.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Google Images
A nice thing happened last night. I hadn’t heard from L all day, but I knew he was driving to meet his friends, and when he did would be all caught up in their doings, having fun, so didn’t expect to. On Sunday I had asked him to send me a picture of himself, a selfie, because he’d taken down all his pics on the dating site, so I didn’t have any. I jokingly said, “I don’t want to forget what you look like.” He replied that “you are so sweet! But I am not good about selfies.” So I said, “well, maybe one of your friends can take one and you can send it to me.”
Last night going to bed, I was just thinking about him, wondering where he was, because they had a few places on their itinerary, and hoping really, that he was having a great time. And I heard the text alert go off, and he sent me a pic his friend had taken of him at the finish line on the Daytona track. It’s from a distance, but I was able to zoom in enough to see him well. He said, “Does this qualify as a selfie?”
It was just so nice, not just the picture but the fact that at the end of the day, he remembered my request and cared enough to honor it. Wow. I may have a keeper here. He actually knows how, and seems to want to, build a relationship.
It’s still so new, too new to tell if it will go anywhere or not, but clearly, the foundation is being built one brick at a time. And not being torn down in between, nor is anything being withheld in some kind of power play. No game, at all.
It’s so refreshing. I have gotten so used to leaning into the discomfort of a relationship. Now I am leaning into the joy of it. Which is actually a little scary, lol. I am trained to expect the rug to get pulled out from under me, to wait for the other shoe to drop. But every day, I am less afraid of that, and more willing to believe in the possibilities.
Love and light….
The other day I mentioned that I had a lot of views on my blog. It went on for 3 days. Sunday 174, Monday 187, today 179. A total of 540 in 3 days, about double my average. It stopped last night late. I went to bed and had about 130 hits, and this morning 140 when I woke up. The rest of the day, the number per hour was normal, so I think whoever it was was done when they went to bed late last night.
People who read my blog regularly know who I think it was. One of two people. Maybe not. I could be wrong. However, if it’s a new reader who is reading all those blogs, they would normally at least “like” some of them, to let you know that’s why they were reading so many. My “likes” did not increase with the number of views, they were normal. The views per visitor went from a normal of about 2.5 to 3, up to 11 at one point.
So, I was a little creeped out at first. Wondering why suddenly there was such an interest in what I wrote. Felt like I was being stalked. But as it went on, I realized that someone, anyone, wanting to read my blogs need not creep me out. Someone was searching for answers. I was just recording my life, and my feelings. After all, it’s a public blog for public consumption. I mean, we’d all like to have our stats suddenly doubled every day, right? That’s why we publish our words, and don’t write them out and stick them in a drawer or file them in an anonymous folder on our computers.
I think we all read blogs to share others lives, to learn from others experiences. I know I do. Why would this be any different? Sometimes we all get stuck, can’t figure out what’s happening. We search, wherever we can, to find the answers. Someone had questions they thought perhaps my blogs could answer.
So, who knows, maybe the answers were given, maybe they were not. I’ll never know. It’s not important to me on a personal level. I write for myself. For no one else. I know sometimes it seems I did, do, but it has always been for me, a way to express myself, to release my concerns, my pain, or my joy to the universe. If a side effect was that my blogs affect others, it’s collateral effect. But never a main one. And generally, if a blog helps someone move in a positive direction, then I am happy to have played that role. When someone comments that they could relate, or learned something, or found a new way to look at a problem, through my words, it is a satisfying collateral effect.
I hope whoever read these many blogs got the answers they wanted, and can go on with their life. Or lives. I hope, if the answers they needed were contained in my blogs, that these answers got where they were needed, and that the end of an era is at hand in my life. And maybe theirs, if I’m right about who the reader(s) were.
My life has been full of drama for almost 2 years. I am so sick of the drama. I’m sick to death of the games that have been played to keep the drama going. It’s addicting, really, that adrenaline rush of drama. Many of you know that. But then at some point, when you are free of it, life becomes so beautiful, without the stress of drama, and the games people play with others lives. That’s where I’m at. I have a rich, full, beautiful life. I have put an end to any drama, and the games, in my life.
Maybe my words in those 540 blogs that were read helped someone else to do that, to end the drama in their lives. I hope that is the result. Even if I’m totally wrong about who read them, I hope that whoever did read them found what they needed to find.
I hope this blog is an end to all of this. I’m moving on, I’ve tried to make that clear. I have no ill will toward anyone, and I really hope that my stats doubling for 3 days gave someone some information, some answers that they needed. And I want to thank them, for making my blog look good statistically, lol.
Peace out, love and light.
In the morning, I generally meditate for 15-20 minutes. I use guided meditations, they just seem to help me keep my mind clear of the noise, or at least, bring me back to mindfulness when I stray. I have noticed that I am often leaning toward the sounds, either from my computer or my phone. I can’t remember the name for this, EET? Electronic Energy Transfer? Maybe.
I remember when I was attuned for my level 3 Reiki. The teacher had me sitting in a chair and was playing a crystal bowl in front of me, and another in back of me. This is possible, because the circular sound continues, even after your stop playing the bowl, so she’d move from one to the other. I was in a pretty deep meditative state, and I remember finding myself leaning forward and then back, kind of in a circle with the sound, as she moved from one to the other, and each became dominant in turn. My eyes were closed, I was not paying attention to her movements. But I remember leaning into the energy.
Same thing with my meditation out of an electronic source. However….the crystal bowl is simply vibration, created from a human effort on pure crystal. The electronic energy is a man-made phenomena, and I wonder if it is good for me, actually. Whenever I went to a gong bath, they asked us to shut our phones off, so that the phones would not be searching for an electronic vibration.
I guess it’s ok because I always feel more centered and grounded after it. But certainly not as I did back in the days when I used to get to the gong baths regularly, or a meditation group, where a person led us. I think I need to find that again.
It’s always a better, deeper meditation if I can sit outside. I haven’t been able to ngo outside in the early morning lately, because it’s been cold in Florida the last few days. Hopefully I’ll be able to get outside again by the end of the week. Nature always allows me to get to a deep space that calms and frees me.
I am beginning to let go of the hypervigilance that has been a part of my life for so long. I had to be hypervigilant in my marriage, to stay safe, and keep my son safe. I needed to stay a step ahead of his father, if I could. And with S, I was also hypervigilant, constantly trying to discern what was truth and what was a lie.
None of it matters now. I met a man who I don’t think is capable of a lie, any more than I am. And I have no need to be hypervigilant of those who are in my past any more. It’s a very peaceful, wonderful feeling. Not to be searching for that which can hurt you, because none of it can.
Still, I find it interesting how the energy vibrations can physically move me. I have found myself at times in the last few weeks, moved to hypervigilance unconsciously. Not realizing it until I was there. And then having to make my way back to my happy place. It became a habit.
I do trust my gut. I do think that if I find myself somehow becoming hypervigilant that there is probably an energy extending toward me, causing it. But I believe now, I can just send it back. It’s a vibration, temporary, and will dissipate, once I recognize it. Because I’m a reiki practitioner, I am very aware of the ability of energy to cover miles, 1000’s of miles, instantaneously. Because with some people I’m an empath, that energy can get amplified. But I’m beginning to understand. I don’t need to get caught up in it, or stressed out over it. Just recognize it, honor it, and let it go.
Life continues to be rich and full here. I am excited to spend time with Tim again, next weekend. I’m very excited to see my girlfriends from high school. I am so happy that my life has turned out this way. The lessons learned have not been in vain.
Love and light, all.
My sis and I went to the artwalk last night and had dinner in town. It was lovely, though the artwalk was somewhat subdued. Not as many vendors, or people. I suppose part of that was because it’s right after the holidays, so people weren’t doing Christmas shopping. And because the forecast was for rain, which we sorely need. It started raining after we had dinner and met up with one of my friends. So we came back to my house, and hung out for awhile.
It’s still raining this morning. Rain, and t-storms, and though it was 70 when I got up, it is going to drop into the 50s today. We haven’t had rain in over 2 months, it is so welcome. It almost seems weird! Get so used to sunshine every day!
Last night I got a message from Tommy, the one who won’t make plans. Except that he was making them. He says he’s going to call me this weekend, today I think. And then we’ll make plans to get together. I am very excited about it. He’s the first man who has really sparked me. He seems equally sparked. I am a little worried because the firefighter, Tim is also supposed to call me Sunday. If it goes with Tommy the way I kind of think it will, I won’t want to see Tim….even though I really like him. I’m a one-man kind of woman.
It will be nice to get the show on or off the road with Tommy. It’s weird how my pendulums said we would not meet this week but will by the end of next. It seems that’s true.
My sis and I want to go down to the art district in St. Pete before she leaves. Then we may go to a little Italian market I know she’d love. We might run up to Home Depot or Lowes, because I need to get something to put up in my guest room for people to hang their clothes on. She’s so funny, she gets here, and within minutes is coming up with ideas of things I need, and what might make this or that work better. I love her for it, she has such an artists view.
We were talking last night over dinner about what a perfect place this little town is for me. How it’s so exotic, artsy, so many good galleries, restaurants, and it’s such a small town, and no one even knows it’s here. It’s exactly the community that I need to be in. I saw the keyboard player at his booth selling his paintings last night. He gave me a big hug, and then told me he’s playing on Sunday at that same restaurant. I do like him…but really, I need to see where this is going with Tom. He’s really so far ahead of any of the other men I have talked to as far as an overall attraction. Anyway, I probably won’t go to the restaurant this weekend and see G play. Just would be too much like playing someone.
Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve become much more measured in what I tell a man about myself. While my heart will always be on my sleeve, I am only slowly telling my story. One thing I like about Tom is that he seems to do the same, but also can put his heart on his sleeve. Last night he asked me to google Stay a Little Longer by the Brothers Osborne, because it reminded him of me. And what it did, for me, was to let me know he’s in about the same place as me. I can’t tell you how nice it is to do this with no head games going on.
I love too, that he would love to go to open mic with me, and actually perform there.
Well that’s it for a rainy Saturday morning. Lots of good things happening. Amazing how it all comes together when you get the toxic stuff out of your life.
Love and light.
I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in days, slept 8 hours and that’s a real feat for me. I suppose the 3 glasses of wine I had while sitting outside with my sister and one of her friends in the evening really helped me to relax. It’s so awesome, to be celebrating TG here. I know, that’s very redundant. I’ve been talking about it for weeks, I think. But each day, I am grateful again as the feeling washes over me.
I made it to the town dock for sunrise this morning. It did not disappoint. Oddly, no one else was there. Perhaps because it’s a holiday, everyone is busy with cooking and planning and getting things ready. It’s slightly warmer here than where I live. And I only life about 30 miles north as the crow flies. But the temps this morning were in the low 60’s instead of high 50’s and it’s supposed to get to the low 80’s. These are some pictures.
I was kind of grateful that no one else was there this morning. It allowed me to do a bit of meditation. To kind of slide into the spirit of the day, the spirit of gratitude. I read these words by Anne Lamott a few days ago on her FB page, and I so loved them. This is a copy and paste of the short post. I think it’s fitting for today. My heart is full of gratitude that my life has turned out the way it has, so far.
” We pray to be mindful of the needs of others. We savor these moments out of time, when we are conscious of love’s presence, of Someone’s great abiding generosity to our dear and motley family, these holy moments of gratitude. And that is grace.”
I hope everyone has a wonderful day, with family and friends. Love and light to all.
This is a Stream of Consciousness Saturday post. The writing prompt this week is “Art”. for more information on this fun writing prompt, see https://lindaghill.com/2016/07/29/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-3016/. Linda Hill has a great blog, and great ideas for writing prompts. This is my second attempt at her SoCS.
A picture was painted this morning
By the artist-at-large
In this world.
It is a sensory work of art,
the green of the leaves on the trees,
The blue of the sky
the scent of lavender,
the cool, almost imperceptible breeze,
rustling the leaves,
gently caressing my body.
The rich cup of coffee in front of me.
The sound of birds singing,
Neighbors dogs barking
And oddly the sound of cars on the road in the far distance.
I try to recreate the painting
With my words.
I try to make the reader feel it,
Because it seems too fabulous not to share.
I suppose that is what art is, to me.
The sharing of our emotions in such a way
As to evoke a similar response
Or a response at all,
From someone else.
I love art that makes me feel.
I love a book, or a post, or a movie, or a painting,
Or a piece of jewelry or pottery or a poem
That can make me cry, or laugh hysterically.
I want to feel.
Feeling lets me know I’m alive.
Art lets me know I’m alive,
When it makes me feel.
Inspires me to feel.
I hope that I also do that
In some small way
With my art.
With my writing,
Or my jewelry.
I hope it inspires people to feel.
Mostly to feel good.
To broaden their perspective,
To lift their gaze.
Or, just leaves someone a little happier for having run across it.
Art, is, it seems,
A wonderful way to extend love in this world.
I’ve been talking to a friend, who is on a path exactly like the one I was on with Scott in January. Together not as long, but long enough to be crazy in love, and then having it ended cruelly, by him. Then after months of no contact, seeing him again, and having him start up as if it never stopped, and then, once again walking away with no notice.
I’m just so glad my experience can help her. She knows that I made it through, that it triggered in me at the time, all the same emotions triggered in her. My story went on for a few weeks. Those weeks gave me clarity on who S was when he chose to deny me because our relationship hurt B. And because I had gone into it with no expectation, no desire for a long term relationship, it was easy to let go, and be done. If he hadn’t then denied me to B, and if B hadn’t made it clear to me that he was lying to her about me, yet again, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved again. Add to that her arrogance in thinking that she knew what I was wanting, or that she knew what he felt. Assuming that our relationship deteriorated into something ugly. Our relationship was fine, it’s just that there was a third person involved and I didn’t know it, HER. That’s why it deteriorated, because he was a liar and a cheat, to both she and I. Does she think he told her the truth? Or that he does now? That’s a laugh, really. He can’t discern the truth from the crap he makes up, he never has been able to. He fails the trust test, every single time. Maybe it’s a game they play together, who knows? Who cares? It’s not one I want to play though, that’s for sure.
Anyway, talking to my friend, trying to help her clear her head, kind of made me remember how it felt. I am so grateful not to have any of those emotions now. I am so glad to be past that, to leave that relationship behind me. It entices me not at all any more.
I have been thinking I don’t even know if I ever want another relationship. Men have been the bane of my existence. One was a control freak extraordinaire, unbelievably abusive. The other was deceptive, a liar and a cheat extraordinaire. The ex, the first one, inspired more anger and frustration, than I can even express. The second, more pain than I can express.
Not sure I want to risk round 3. But maybe there’s someone special out there, someone who just wants to love, like I do. Who just wants to enjoy life, and enjoy me, and let me enjoy him. I will be careful, before I give anyone that much trust, that’s for sure. These narcissists, and sociopaths are so good at the game, at fooling us who have no ill intent, who don’t need it for an ego boost, but just want the pleasure of someone’s company and attention. Who just want a relationship that evolves us into a better person, and adds to our life, instead of filling it with darkness.
I guess that’s why Florida looks so good to me. It is full of light, and happy people, really. I didn’t run into anyone who didn’t have a smile, and a positive attitude. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the ocean, lol.
I’m going to the light, that’s for sure. Away from the darkness that drives people down, and consumes them with false promises and false projections of who they are. It’s easy to even fool yourself in the darkness. Give me light any day.
Love and light, everyone.
First day back at work. I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today. Like, yeah, sure. While I’m reading my 1000 emails. It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer! LOL I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.
I am not telling the people at work about the house. There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.
My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing. So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them. Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.
I can’t even believe they would do this for me. I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway. It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of. This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into. It’s crazy. Just crazy. I am so friggin blessed. Just blessed.
My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out. He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out. The universe will make it work, I’m sure.
I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move. For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk. I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life. Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis! To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.
I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life. My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly. But you know what? I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned. They were without a doubt my best teachers.
Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me. I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire. They were part of my life, past tense.
Better things await. I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet. And that’s how I feel now. I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.