Not Stressing, I’m NOT Stressing. Am I?

I was up at 4:45 this morning.  Transferring money around so I can pay for the dang hot water tank.  Then trying to get estimates on replacing it.  Then thinking about all the other crap I have to do in a relatively short time.

I also got, as part of the inspection, a pest control report that said I have carpenter ants and that they could treat them for $350.  I was like maybe some cans of Raid?  Geezus.  And I know the buyers will want a licensed company to do the work.  Maybe I can trade my snow blower and just let them do it.  Or the couches in my sons room.  Something.  Geezus, I don’t want to spend that kind of money.  The ants only appeared this year, like one or two a day I see.  $350?  Cripes.

But I’m not going to stress.  I am going to have to take a day or two off of work to get this crap done though.  I still have to go over my moving estimates and get that squared away.

I need to make a list, a long list, lol, so I don’t find myself at the end of the 6 weeks, trying to deal with something major.

But as I said to my bff this morning, not gonna get to worked up.  Life has thrown me much harder curves than this, and I am still here.  At the end of the day, or 2 months from now, I’ll be on the beach in Florida with a cold drink, and the hot water tank and the ants will be a memory.

Love and light.

Better Things Await

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First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

Sacred Sunrise

I woke at 5 am this morning, listening to the peacocks behind the house with their loud cawing. It was first I’d heard them, and I smiled, knowing “I’m in Florida now for sure.” Not that there are peacocks everywhere in Florida, but they seem to flourish in this old historic neighborhood.

I had plenty of time to get to the town dock for the sunrise. There were 5 or 6 of us this morning, and it didn’t disappoint. The sky was glowing pink when I left my house for the 3 minute walk to the dock. It was breathtaking. I got a couple of shots.

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Then as it came up over the horizon, due to the cloud cover it was a perfect, well-defined golden orb, not unlike a full moon.

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It felt like a sacred experience, for a few moments. I thought about how every incident in my life brought me to this place at this time. I’m grateful for it all. Even the last few days, as unpleasant as they were, gave me clarity, and definition. About what I want, what I want to attract into my life, and what I want to let go of and never experience again. A new day dawns, ripe and ready for all the good things in life to come a little closer to us all, if we allow it in.

I know that still, everyone does the best from the level of consciousness that they are in at the time. I have been frustrated and angry that my life, my history, my memories have been toyed with by someone else, for purely egoic reasons. And denied, to please the one with the big ego. It is dysfunction at it’s highest.  I allowed it to wrap around my level for a time, and bring it down.  I have let go, unwrapped it, cut the cords binding it, and rise again.

I still have to recognize that that’s where they are, and that I can’t expect more, nor stay angry about it. It’s done, it won’t happen again. I feel like I was a distraction to them, that they could agree on. Like Brene Brown calls it “common enemy bonding.” It’s not real, it’s not lasting. There are still lies that haven’t surfaced, but they just don’t matter now. Who cares? The issue with the lies is between them, I am removed from it, thankfully. I always say the truth will float to the top at some point. My life moves on, theirs does too, and how that story ends is anyone’s guess, and I’ll never know. Nor will I care. I don’t know that I’ve gotten to a state of forgiveness over it yet, it’s a little fresh, but I know I’ll get there. I work at that, it’s something I want to achieve, so I can go on without holding onto the anger and negative emotions of a past which really has no bearing on me or my life now.

I’m going to my high school friend’s today for a couple of nights. I’m so excited. We don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know we’ll have fun. I know even though we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, we will fall in like we were never apart. These girls know how to laugh, and love and have a great time, and bring in the goodness of life. WE’ve been friends since we were 13 or 14. It is going to be a welcome change, as it has been with my sister here.

It’s all been exactly what I needed. I’m looking out my sis’s window, at the bouganvilla cascading from an old intricately woven tree stump. And reminded how much beauty is in the world, and that that’s what I want to focus on now.

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Life is good. Really, it is. Love and light. And laughter.

Utter Clarity

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I had a good deal of peace when I came home last night.  It was short-lived, but I suppose that what ended my peace needed to happen.

I got a huge dose of clarity late last night, and made some decisions and changes in my beliefs about someone that needed to be made.  I am too angry this morning to write much about it, but I will say, that it has to do with this person not being able to own their story, and be accountable for their actions, and having to project onto me and blame me for a situation that was caused 100% by them.  1000%.  I was a player in this game, I was played, played well.  Again.

It won’t happen one more time.

That’s an episode of my life that is now, completely over. I see that anyone who escaped this person, no matter how hard it was, is lucky, because he’s not capable of anything but narcissistic using of people.  He steals from people, to fill the holes in his soul.  He won’t steal from me any more.  And I hope from no one else, because he’s a thief.  A cold-hearted self-absorbed thief in the night.  A wolf in sheep’s clothing. Despicable human being.

Always sorry after the fact, after he behaves in ways that destroy people.  As long as he feels good in the moment, the hell with the broader ramifications.

End of rant. Done, just done.  Cut the cords, walk away.  There are 50,000 ways to leave, just choose one.  I’m gone.

(B, if you want or need to know the story message me.) 

 

 

The Biggest Fool

Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room.   I am ok alone, I always have been.

When I was married, I loved being alone.  At least for the last 10 years.  To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.

My ex is in a bed of his own making.  Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40.  But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number.  One number in his phone number.  And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake.  I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure.  I’d want to get away.  But he never did what one might expect.  I’ve known him for 46 years.  I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore.  I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.

It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was.  I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way.  Just seems so incongruous.  I guess there was always a hint of it,  but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest.  He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.

But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months.  Daily, hourly with me, lies.  He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle.  I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t.  He knew for sure that I didn’t.  He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how?  How did you do that?

He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous.  Only if I loved someone else.  But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me.  And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight.  I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back.  I said, we won’t have sex if he does.  S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.”  So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell.  He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be.  At least, that’s the guy he showed me.

I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her.  Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone.  But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night.  He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room.  We’d be texting and sexting as normal….

Damn, he was good.  Gutsy.  But in the end, I’m free of him.  I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans.  Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone.   Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her.  He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol.  I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans.  He would say are you still mad about that?  “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after.  “It was stupid.  We could have had so much fun.  My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare.  We’d have had it alone.  Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….”  And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story.  I never did.  But I sure didn’t think he was with her….

She and I will be ok.  B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will.   I think I can too.  I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have.  Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.

Oh well.  Don’t know why I’m going here tonight.  Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why.   It’s simple.  He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her.  I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.

Peace out.  Love and light to all.

 

WTF Was I Thinking Yesterday??

I have been asking myself all day, “What were you thinking yesterday?”

Thank God, thank God, that he did not answer my text.  THAT was the universe watching out for me.  Knowing that my heart can be soft, too soft for my own good.  Geezus.  It’s closed up tight again in his direction.  Open in all others.

I have all of his texts from back in September before I knew about her at all, through the week prior, to the weekend he told me he was going to be with her, to the most recent after finding out he’d been with her all summer.  And all the ones in between breaking up and finding this out.

We texted a LOT.  Like every day, morning, noon and night.  Even when I wasn’t seeing him, most days we were still communicating.  He was still trying to convince me to be in his life, while she was in it.  I didn’t do it, thank God, I kept that small dignity.  I kept that small amount of self-respect.

But re-reading those texts today….The sheer volume of bold-faced, -look-you-in-the-eye lies that he was capable of just pissed me off again.  I mean, seriously.  I can’t even imagine the lies he told her. The realizations she had to face.   I think because I had let go of the anger, and felt sorry for him.  Even A feels sorry for him, even A says, “he needs our prayers.  I just went from hating him to pitying him.”  And S has caused a lot of pain for A with those lies.

He’s right, S is to be pitied.  That he continued right up til she got my letter to lie, to me, to her.  When someone lies that much, they have no self-respect, no self-love.  They don’t believe they are worth the breath it takes to keep them alive. (Which is probably why he smokes when he has COPD.)

So, tonight on the way home, I was still in re-anger at his ability to look me in the eye and lie. And then I thought about my blog this morning, and half way home just did a “driving” meditation. Breathe in love.  Breathe out Scott.

So, ok, I am not angry.  He is his own worst enemy.  I pity him.  But yesterday, I might have invited him back into my life.  OMG.  I am so glad he didn’t answer, and I got a reprieve from the universe.  To invite that madness back in, with no evidence that he learned ANYTHING, except that he underestimated me.  And that’s a maybe.  He’s still probably trying to figure out why he couldn’t get away with it.

The truth always outs.  I didn’t go researching, I didn’t try to figure it out.  I just knew that a lie will show up, because it’s an anomaly in the universe.  The universe thrives on truth and love and a lie is like rotten apple, the universe will just throw it out and right it.

So, maybe he blocked me and didn’t get it.  Maybe he got it and ignored it.  Whatever it was, GOOD.  I can’t imagine Betty will ever forgive him.  I at least got to absorb it in pieces, she had to face it all at once, in a tsunami of undeniable truth.  I have a feeling they were making plans to retire together.  That’s why the urgent need for him to finish the work on his house, so he could sell it, probably move in with her.  (He told me she had terrible credit, that’s why he’d had to buy a car for her, and she was going to pay him back.  I guess when he screwed her best friend he got the car back… because it’s the one he drove.Of course, that could have been a lie too.) So, I think she had a lot at stake here besides a boyfriend.

He screwed me over, but I’m very independent, and didn’t need him for anything.  I just wanted him, but I can want someone else.  Just think this may have fouled their plans for retirement.  Well….he didn’t want it that bad, or he would have let me go last spring.  He played it to the hilt, to the moment he knew she was going to get my letter.

As for me…I can forgive.  Right now.  I’m not even mad anymore.  But forget?  Invite that lunacy back into my life?  No fucking way.  LOL.  Yes, I feel strongly about it.

Thank you Universe, for cutting me some slack, and doing what was for my highest good.  Blessed, just blessed.

Tying Up The Loose Ends

I slept 7 hours last night, the first time all week I’ve gotten a decent night’s sleep.  I was at peace finally.  The truth is on the table and now can be dealt with by the universe and the people involved.  I can go on with my life and know I did the right thing.

I always told S when he was breaking up with me, which happened in 18 months a few times, that it would hurt, but I was strong and would get over it.  I always knew I would.  He said, “You aren’t strong.  You crumble like a little girl.”  He was the one who crumbled, when I said ok, go….he never could.  He could never walk away.  He still can’t.

Although I did crumble. But I could also put myself back together.  I knew what to do, how to do it.  I guess my ex gave me practiced.  When I found out about Betty, I didn’t think I’d be able to put myself back together.  I have never hurt so much in my life.  It was his cruelty in the way he told me, not that he wanted to be with her.  It was his callous disregard for the way I loved him. But  just over 6 weeks later, I have myself almost back together.

I bet that S has changed his mind about whether or not I am strong now.

My biggest problem going forward will be sensing his feelings, sensing what is going on with him.  I still have no explanation as to why I do this, but there have always been people with whom I can do this.

The first time was when my ex and I were about 30.  We lived on a lake, and our neighbor kid who was about 20,used to go water skiing with us a lot, often we’d have him over to eat after.  One day we came home from a trip, and he came over.  He was in the living room talking to my ex, I was in the kitchen.  I began shaking, literally.  I sensed some really dark horrible energy, and I wasn’t into energy work at all.  I called him into the kitchen, and told him, “I don’t know what’s happening, but you need to get him out of the house, NOW. ”  My ex didn’t argue, he just did it.

Six months later, the kid went down the street, and killed an old woman and stole her car.

It still creeps me out.

I tend to listen to these messages, and will continue.  If I determine they are warnings to me, I will act.  Otherwise, I’ll let them go.  A psychic told me that S was sucking my energy dry, that I didn’t have to do anything about the vibe I got from him, I got them because I am an empath. And that I needed to turn the energy in on myself.

This will be my aim going forward.  To do what is right for me, and to let go the vibes I get from S.  And anyone else they come from.  I told her I thought I knew him in a past life, she said that could well be true.

I was so relieved to hear that I was not expected to deal with the crazy info that I would get at random times.

I have a gong bath tonight, perfect timing.  I am so grateful to wake up to no drama today, the drama is all over in his corner, and it’s what he loves.  He feels most loved when someone is crying over him.  Lord knows he did it enough with me, and while I was crying he would make me laugh, hard, endearing himself to me.

He told that every woman in his life has hurt him.  I thought, I won’t join that club. I loved him so much, beyond reason, without limit.  As it turns out, I’m sure in his mind I hurt him.  Badly.  I don’t expect he will ever take ownership of this story.

If he was smart, he would take this whole episode as a gift, as the gift of ruin, as rock bottom emotionally, and begin to transform into someone he could be proud of, that could love himself, and others with his whole heart.  He would direct this energy inward, and do some real soul-searching to figure out why he finds it so necessary to manipulate people.  It was, really, an act of love, to make him accountable for his actions, even though he will never see it that way.

I don’t think he will ever get that.

If he’s smart, he will use this time to do what he told me he wanted to do all summer when he made up this story so he could be with Betty every weekend.  Be alone, learn to be alone.  Learn who he is, and change what he doesn’t like.  Discover his passions, figure out what he wants for the rest of his life.  I hope he does this.

But it’s not my problem anymore.  I’m running to the light.  I’m tying up the loose ends of my emotions around this, and connecting all the dots, and every minute I feel better and more distant from all the chaos of the last few months.

I can look at S, as someone I loved, I can feel the same detached sorrow for him as I do for my ex.  A detached sorrow, that he feels so unlovable, that he has to lie and manipulate people into his life. He has done it so much that he just lies as a way of life, just like my ex.  As far as me….he had me at hello.  He just couldn’t believe it.  I bet it was that way that way for Betty too.

Onward….onward.