Haiku No. 133: Days Like This

Dark rum, diet coke
Diabetic dream, no carbs.
Squeeze a half lime in.

Now I want olives.
Stuffed with garlic, or bleu cheese
So I need some wine.

Van Morrison sings
There will be days like this one
It’s been a good day.

I just had one rum and coke. And a half glass of wine with the olives. 🙂

By Deborah E. Dayen

Pictures from Google Images

 

Mellowing Out

tree

My tree is all decorated,and the house, except the outside lights. I still have to deal with that white extension cord for the lighted garland on the mantle, but you get the idea.  It was a nice day.  My son “supervised” while he watched football, but he was good company. He listened to me tell him stories about the different ornaments.  Some his cousins made, some from his first Christmas.  Some of them from his grandmother, from when I was a child.  It was enjoyable, close, relaxed, happy.

Just when I finished my cousin called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, which I did. She lives on a lake in the next town, we walked a couple of miles and talked and talked.  That too was nice.  Family.  It was a family day.  I was telling her how sick I have gotten of myself, and all the drama, and how nice it was to spend 4 days just with my son, and talking to old friends.  I realized talking to my bff from high school yesterday that I really don’t want to tell anyone else the story.  I am so sick of it, lol.

A number of people have expressed surprise that Betty has not contacted me.  I know I would have, but she probably got all she needed from the blogs.  And she’s only been aware of what was going on for less than 2 weeks.  S always said she didn’t have much to say anyway, so I’m not surprised.  The whole thing had the feel of some stupid high school drama anyway, and I’m glad really, not to have to discuss it with her, though I would have if she felt the need.

I sent A a picture of the tree.  He won’t have one, living in his RV, working on his house.  I know he wishes he was here today, helping me decorate it.  Then I told him I was about to make a plate of left-overs, lol. His response, “God, woman, you are making my mouth water….”

A had been very sweet lately, even though he’s trying to find someone who wants a relationship with him.  He asked me for a pic of me in my bathrobe and jammies this morning, my hair only combed slightly, lol.  He said, “please, that’s when you are the most beautiful, when you wake up.”  He’s seen me wake up twice.  Once at his house, once at mine.  I’m so grateful to have  him in my life.  I can love him a lot from a distance.

I wondered idly at some point today if S remembered last Thanksgiving weekend, when he was complaining he didn’t get any leftovers from his ex-wife, and I showed up on Saturday with enough for he and I to have a meal, and for him to have a couple more.  I remember that as a nice weekend, even though I can’t remember what we did.  Maybe went to the beach, I think he took me to a produce stand near one of the beaches. Doesn’t matter.   I didn’t think about it long, it was just a passing thought. Didn’t make me happy or sad, it was just a memory.

It was a happy, calm, relaxing day.  In fact, the last 4 days have been. I didn’t need an Ambien to sleep last night either. Mellowing out.  Life is good.

Left-Over Thoughts From the Epiphany Yesterday

I’ve finally come down off the adrenaline of last night’s epiphany about who and what I’ve been dealing with.  It’s a shock to the system, when you finally see someone clearly that you’ve been making up stories about because you loved them.  I’m assimilating, the message is working it’s way through my chakras, I’m fairly balanced and calm tonight.

I told my son a little bit about the plans that he had for me, and my son was like “Say WHAT??????”  LOL.  He never liked the guy, but even he was amazed at the audacity, the sheer egocentricity of the things he espouses.  You just gotta just say, ” Wow, I dodged a real bullet…”  She’s welcome to him.  Ewwww.  Of course, he won’t make the offer to her, lol.  Or even let her know it was on the table.  LOL.  Idiocy.  Just idiocy.  At least I had a good idea of who I was lavishing affection on .  She has no idea, but that’s her own stupidity.  I’m sure she likes the games as well as he does.

Texted with both Jim and A today, A for only a short time.  Jim throughout the day.  It will be a fun to go out on a Friday night!  I think it will give us, particularly me, a much better read on our connection.  Jim seems to feel a good connection, but I’m a long way from that.  I really don’t get his sense of humor, but I think he’s trying too hard to be funny. Although, he just called and made me laugh while we talked.  Maybe it’s just the texting thing, sometimes it’s hard to follow, but I want to try to lighten him up a bit.  I know I have been holding back, and I will continue to do that, so I don’t get myself into another dysfunctional relationship.  But I won’t be holding back because I’m in love anymore with someone else.  With clarity, that romantic love just dissipated.  Gone.  And it’s easier to ignore the connection we have, when I look at him through clear eyes.

You know, we get one good shot at this life.  He actually got two, the second when some philanthropic organization paid $208,000 so that he could get an experimental drug that cured him of liver cancer….I mean, that cancer is usually just a death sentence.  And he wastes that 2nd chance playing games with people, play acting out who he is with everyone and full of self satisfaction when they believe the lie, instead of trying to make his life worth the effort of those who gave him the 2nd chance.  Instead of showing gratitude for his few more years on the earth by trying to love people, and do his best to lift them, as he was lifted.  He is still only interested in getting what he wants, whether it’s right or wrong, whether it makes him a better person, or drives him into a hole, whether it allows him to be connected to the human race, the one great consciousness, or causes him to be separate and alone.  Thoughtless.  Careless.  Ungrateful. Self-absorbed.  But mostly, sad, just sad.

A few left-over thoughts is all.  I’m moving Onward…..

Love and light.

Losing Pain and Gaining Clarity

Image result for clarity

I had a glass of wine again tonight.  Not because I had a headache though.  I was just in the mood. I did work another 10 hour day, well, 9 actually, since I was gone for an hour to physical therapy for my hand.  I’ve been at work from 8:30 til 7 all week, and no closer to catching up, lo.

Difference is, I am not freaked out by it.  I am gonna do what I can do and be content.

I can’t stress how much not having constant pain has changed my attitude.  I am happy, again, like even when I’m working my ass off.  One of the guys at work took one of his grandfather’s old bowling trophies and made me this welcome back gift.

 
Every one laughs when they see it, and I tell them, every time I look at it, I remember that I’m a champion!

But seriously, to be able to sleep through the night, to turn the ignition on in my car with one hand and no pain, and to shift it the same way into drive….  To turn a door knob, drive with 2 hands…  I lived with that pain way too long.  And it was gone the second I came out of the anesthesia.  My muscles are stiff, but loosening up daily.  It’s awesome.

My heart is open, really open, for good things to happen, for good things to come into my life.  I have some adventures waiting, maybe someone to share them with.  Not yet, but the possibilities are endless.  I have no regrets about loving the men, well, there’s only been one man, since I left my marriage.  But I’m free of that pain too, and it’s all good.

Last weekend was the full moon.  Some people get emotional, depressed, by the force the gravity of the moon asserts on our small beings.  It seems that it gave me clarity this month.  Much needed clarity.

Love and light everyone.

Contented

I’ve not been writing much this week.  I’ve been working late every single night, come home exhausted. I need to get caught up from vacation before I disappear again next week from the surgery.  That will only be a few days, but I need to at least have my head above water before that happens.

I took my son out for dinner tonight.  No biggie, just went for Viet Namese food, he loves Pho.  He started his new job today, and I worked so much this week I didn’t feel a bit like cooking.  I was thinking how when I move to Florida and he moves to CO, how I will miss going out with him spur of the moment like that.  Catching up over a bowl of Pho, and a glass of wine.

When I think of how he’s grown, how he’s matured from the frightened 16 yr old who literally went to school from his father’s house and came home to mine 7 years ago with the clothes on his back.  I had to take him shopping for a few shirts and jeans to wear to school.  He was so confused, so unsure of himself.  That fire just burned in him to be free.  We had so much work to do, and he just wanted to walk away from it all…as would most kids, and not deal with it. But he got a good therapist, and I made him talk to me. We had some tough days, he and I, but I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he’s become.  I will  miss him when I move.  But I’m also happy he’s ready to fly on his own and make his own life.

Busy weekend.  Getting new carpet tomorrow for my family room.  Which meant that when we got home tonight we had to disconnect and move the TV since the carpet people will move furniture out of the room but not electronics.  I’ll get the rest of the small stuff out before they come tomorrow.  I’m very excited though, haven’t done anything major in a few years, so it will  be nice.

My best friend’s daughter is going to college this weekend, and my friend is having such a hard time letting  go.  Not that she is a helicopter mom, just that they are best friends, it’s her youngest. Her husband (who fixed my AC this week) made me and a couple other of her best friends promise to keep her busy so she wouldn’t have too much time to think about it.  So we’re going to a farmer’s market on Nathan Hale’s homestead on Sunday (if it doesn’t rain).  It’s a huge fair maybe 100 vendors.  It will be fun.

Then I have to clean the house for book club on Tuesday, make some food for it, and also make sure I have food that I can eat next weekend after surgery.  Food I can deal with cooking and eating with one hand.  That should be interesting.  Maybe I’ll just lose some weight, lol.

Life overall had been good lately.  No issues, no problems.  Too much work, but that’s why I’m planning my retirement.  Not enough summer, but there never is, lol.  Just feeling, you know, content.  It’s a lovely place to be.

Easy Peasy

Today was a good day.  It was beautiful.  I got to go to the cove for lunch.  I stayed pretty grounded all day.  I am getting caught up at work.  I texted with A for quite awhile.  He’s been without cell service for a few days, but has it where he is today.  That was nice.

At one point I asked him where he was.  Then I apologized, kind of, for asking, saying, I just wondered.  Feeling like I was asking too personal a question.  Trained by S, “what are you, writing a book?”  Always with the secrets, never wanting to share much more than what he had to.  (This automatic reaction that I had asked to personal a question only comes from S.  I never asked my ex, because either I already knew, or if I didn’t know, I knew he’d lie to me.  Just to lie.)

A answered me and sent a pic.  And then said, “It’s really nice that you ask.  It means a lot to me that you are following my adventures.”

A girl could get attached to someone like that.

Seems it should be just that easy.  Ask a question, get an answer.  No games, no pulling back, no pushing forward.  Give and take.

That’s what I’m searching for.  Easy.  Passionate. Loving.

There is a kid at work, he’s 28 maybe.  Just a bit older than my son.  He’s an electronics engineer.  Before he came to work there, right out of college, he’d never been on a plane.  Now he’s been to China, Korea…  He’s the greatest kid.  Whenever I need him to do something, he always says, “Oh that’s EASY.  Easy Peasy.”

That’s what I want.  Easy Peasy.

Clarity

Fog_Lake_II_by_BBs_Brushes

What a lovely weekend.

First of all, it didn’t snow! And it wasn’t frigid! I spent Saturday with a friend at a rock and mineral show, looking for things to make jewelry with. Then I spent the evening with my new guy, perusing a used book store, having the best Italian dinner that I’ve had in years, watching a movie. We ran errands together today.

I didn’t think I’d want to spend time with him today, like there might be too much togetherness, but it turned out I was happy to spend more time with him. He makes me feel special, beautiful, cared for. Like no other man in my life has ever done.

I was in his bedroom, there are still pics of he and his wife. He asked me if that bothered me. She only died 8 months ago. I said no, because I feel like she and I are friends, because she came to me in my dream with him. I feel like she’s ok with me being there.

I have buffalo chicken meatballs in the oven, first time I’ve tried to make them. Hope they come out ok.

The confusion of yesterday morning is gone today. Not confused at all. Which is lovely. But I got an email from S today. So I’ll deal with it, sometime. Or I won’t. I don’t know….Like having a case of the hives. If I itch it, it gets worse. If I don’t, it lays dormant and you think it’s gone til you scratch your arm, and the welt shows up again.

My new guy knows about the old guy. I have kept him in the loop, he asks me, “How does what he did make you feel now?” His concern is how I am feeling, not jealousy that it still hurts me. And amazingly, his care and concern, the way he allows me to discuss it with him, brings me closer to him, and farther from the hurt. In the same way, I understand that he still loves his wife. And I’m happy that he does.

So not surprisingly, I was not really happy to see an email from S. He still tugs at my heartstrings. But not in the same way that he was. I am not missing him. I only know he doesn’t understand, and I don’t want to hurt him, bu I don’t want to hurt me either. Yesterday, in an email, he told me I could help him heal, but I won’t. I told him I won’t because the cost is too high for me. I think it’s still too high for me. And I think he needs to find his own center, and make peace with what he did and who he has been, and change going forward. Maybe the next woman that loves him, will be loved in return.

In the meantime, my new guy, I will call him A, and I know there is an end which will come when he moves. It will be sad. But honestly, to have a man, until then, who accepts me completely, who cares for me, who craves me, who is kind, and loving, and sweet…..will help me know what I do want in a man. I will experience it first hand, instead of dreaming about it. And I’ll never ever settle for less again.

A Comfy Cozy Blanket of Snow

It’s snowing again. I live in New England, Connecticut to be exact. And it’s snowed a lot this winter, like well in excess of 4 ft. And been cold. And most of us, even those who usually like a little snow…are sick of dealing with it. But I’m glad this one is on a weekend. I was out with a friend, drove home in it. It wasn’t too bad. But when I got home, I sat down with a glass of wine, found a movie on TV, booted up the computer, and made some popcorn.

It seems a little weird, but I’m one of the people who bitches the most loudly about how much I hate winter. Right now…I feel all comfy cozy, happy, relaxed, relieved to be home. Happy to be happy.

All the stuff with the old relationship is somehow unimportant today. That’s a huge relief. Really. I’m very ready to be done with it and moving on.

I’m about to make myself some spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I will have another glass of wine with it. I will worry slightly about my son driving home from work in this, but it’s not going to be that bad, I’m sure he will be ok. Maybe I’ll watch last week’s episode of Downton Abbey or State of Affairs, or something else. I look forward to getting into a bed with clean sheets, reading a little.

Glad to have the drama over with. Glad to be moving on. Relieved to know I won’t be getting middle-of-the-night texts telling me he hates me or is sorry or whatever. Glad for the silence. The sanity. Not missing the mind-fuck.

Sleep will be nice. I will wake up fresh, and free and happy and grateful for the constant warmth and love of friends and family. Life is good.