Straight From the Bottle

I’m about to drink wine straight from the bottle. Because I don’t have a glass that’s not packed. I feel like I need to sit back and relax.  (There’s only about 1 glass left in the bottle.)  I’ve been going full tilt since 8:30 am and it’s now 5:30. Vacuumed and mopped the basement floors, and cleaned the fridge in there. It was my sons fridge, he’s 24. That should be enough to explain how much fun that was. I did score 4 beers out of it, lol, but I don’t really like beer. Oh well. Someone will drink it.

My two besties came over this morning and cleaned out my pantry and freezer. Their husbands cleaned out the garage. By cleaned out, I mean that they took all the food that was edible out of the pantry, and all the stuff from the garage that I couldn’t sell or give away.   Snow blower, weed wacker, space heaters, gas cans, all sorts of stuff.  Then the husbands helped me disconnect the TV, and put it in the box it has to go in for moving. Also the mirror which is attached to my dresser.

Then I packed more stuff. Like my printer, jewelry box, jewelry that doesn’t fit in my jewelry box, DVD player, hand soap dispensers and toothbrush holder. Cleaned two bathrooms.

Done for today. Done. Especially after talking to my sister for an hour, and my son for a half hour. I’m pretty spent.

I don’t have TV to watch tonight either. I can watch it on my computer though. So many people are asking to come by and say goodbye one more time. It’s really heartwarming. Because I don’t have time to go see everyone, but they are all willing to come here. I am grateful. Doing all this stuff alone has proven to be very hard.

The one person I really kind of hoped would say goodbye has remained silent. I’m not surprised, he couldn’t do the right thing on his best day. And neither could his girlfriend. Match made in heaven. Or maybe the other place. I’m over it, just think it would have been nice to leave things on a more positive note. He’s never been able to do things that are uplifting to anyone but himself anyway.

On the other hand, Addie, whose heart I broke over the silent one a few times, has been in touch, and still makes mefeel his   unconditional love.   I am so hsppy to hear from him. And happy that his girlfriend is secure enough and mature enough not to try to stop him.  Blessed to have that sweet man in my life, takes the sting out of the other one.

Well, onward. Not much left to do here. Thankfully. Wind it up and get my butt down to the land of sand, salt and palm trees. I’m ready.

Love and light.

Advertisements

Haiku No. 133: Days Like This

Dark rum, diet coke
Diabetic dream, no carbs.
Squeeze a half lime in.

Now I want olives.
Stuffed with garlic, or bleu cheese
So I need some wine.

Van Morrison sings
There will be days like this one
It’s been a good day.

I just had one rum and coke. And a half glass of wine with the olives. 🙂

By Deborah E. Dayen

Pictures from Google Images

 

How I Spent the Day

I did say I had some cooking to do, didn’t I? So, I went into the kitchen at about 3:30. I decided it might be a good idea to get the house cooled down, since I was about to turn on the oven. I shut all the windows and flipped the switch to on, and turned the temp inside down a few degrees.

Let me say that I have been lax as a mom lately. All that stupid drama, but I’ve reset my focus on things that are important to me. Like making balanced good meals. I was a good cook at one time. I feel like I’ve forgotten more than I remember. I intend to change that, and get my screwed up priorities straightened out.

Then, I turned the oven on. Got out a box of Snickerdoodle cookie mix and made some for my son. His favorite cookie. Last night I had made one of my favorite snacks for the party. You take a toothpick and put on a piece of mozzarella cheese, a leaf of basil, and a grape tomato. Then you drizzle it with balsamic vinegar dressing. My son got none of those, except one. He tasted them and said, “Those are FIRE, Mom.” Meaning, they are really good. So I had some tomatoes left, some mozzarella left, and a bit more basil in my herb garden. So I put some more of those together.

Then I took a rack of spareribs and put them in the oven at really low with a little bit of water, after rubbing them with some BBQ rub. They need to cook like that for about 3 hours. But they will be goooooood. If you like ribs.

Then, I remembered that I had to make a dish to take to my friend Susan’s house Wednesday night. Her son is getting married. It is a quick and quiet wedding. The bride is not pregnant, but they met on FB, he is in the service. He is on leave from Japan and dying to marry this girl. So despite the fact that they have only spent one week together in real life, no one could talk them out of it. I think it will be a kind of weird wedding, not a lot of people. But Susan is one of my best friends, and her son and my son were very close for many years. I love him dearly, though am terribly worried about this.

I had boiled a dozen eggs yesterday. Today I fried a bunch of bacon nice and crisp and crunched it up into little pieces, mixed it with the hard boiled yolks, and made deviled eggs.

I’m all done cooking now, for the time being. I will put some corn on the cob on when my son gets home. But for now, I am sitting on the deck, once again, with a glass of wine and a bunch of stuffed olives. Yum. And writing again. Like an obsessed woman, lol.

I actually did a couple other good things today. I got a couple more pieces up on my Etsy site, www.sundogsdesigns.etsy.com. I posted some stuff on my Living Like Water FB page. I read. I chatted with a friend. I napped. But all in all, I had a good, relaxing but fairly productive day. Here are a couple pics of the necklaces I put up on Etsy today.

Love and light, all.

No Rumbling Tonight.

I am almost out of wine, not a good situation on a Friday night,  I think I have enough to get me by tonight.

I missed S for less than a second.  I missed A more, because I would have been safe with A.  I’m a little sick of living on the edge.   Which I always was.  Sometimes with my toes hanging off, leaning back on my heels to stay out of the abyss.

A pulls me back.  Keeps me attached.  Keeps me on solid ground.  S pushes me over the edge and can’t understand why I’m screaming. So I stopped giving him the opportunity.

Every day things come up that I’d like to be able to tell him, that I know he’d get, and maybe no one else would.  But I don’t, I won’t.  It just opens the door to all the emotions I have to heal from. I talk to A.  It’s not the same connection, but whatever it is, it’s a loving connection, where he puts me first.

I chose not to tell A about the dream.  He doesn’t need to know, he just needs to know I’ve worked through a lot of stuff.  While I think he’d get it on some level, he might get upset with the energetic connection, communication, I had (have? possibly..) with S. Even though I told him to leave, the overall idea might be upsetting to him.  Because it was definitely something. And I’m not at all surprised, that we communicated that way, though it was distressing.  I called the psychic today, left a message.  I’m anxious to see her  I hope she can see me next week, but I have no idea how she schedules.

I still don’t know how I feel about A.  Tonight I miss him, but I’m also feeling that’s just because I’m lonely and he’s so present with me.  I know he’d make me feel good, important, beautiful.  I’ll just let it be tonight.  I’m too tired to try to do any serious investigating.  No serious rumbling tonight.

Peace out.  Love and light.

Who Will Walk Through The Fire With Me?

I went to a friends house for dinner and a bottle of wine.  We were gonna go out but changed our minds.  It was really nice to just sit with two people who love each other, and love me, as a close close friend.  My friend and I went off to gab girl talk.  She’s a psychiatric nurse,and had some insight on my week’s struggles.  We are close, been friends for years.  Our kids met in the 5th grade, about 15 years ago, we have been friends since.  She’s one of the members of my book club.

We somehow got onto sexuality, probably in discussing my recently ended relationship.  I told her I dived into sex too early, with S, and it was nice to have someone I could consider a partner in it.  So, it was part of the attachment problem for me, because they go hand in hand for me, sex and attachment.  I guess S enjoyed it…he told me a few times it was the best he ever had.   And trust me, he had had many sexual partners. He did tell me I was overconfident, lol, but was laughing when he said it.  So…my friend wanted to know what I did to make it the best, lol.  I said, I loved him.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she loves her husband very much and they are best friends.  She would just like  him  to feel that way, like it was the best.  I was able to talk to her, about being with S, without pain.

So I am good tonight.  I know I won’t get blindsided by my past tonight.  I can’t imagine it would be important enough for S to make a trip up here, to convince me he didn’t do anything wrong, so I am pretty sure I’m in the clear. It’s nice to feel good, in control of my life, and not scattered, not 1000 threads of my life scattered in different directions, trying to grasp something to hold onto.

I’ve been reading Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.  It’s about being able to get up, strongly, when you are knocked out for the count by someone.  Because as she says, if you’re gonna be vulnerable, which is a strength, because it’s the birthplace of creativity, joy, love, and worthiness, and belonging, then you are gonna get knocked down.  And it’s all about our ability to rise from the floor, strong.

She teaches looking at a problem in 3 acts…the definition of the issue, the action in which the issue is addressed, and the final resolution, where all things come together, to make you stronger, smarter, and learn a lesson. She says we forget the second act.  We want to brush over our struggles, our battles to work ourselves out of pain, heartache, anger., whatever the emotion is that you are struggling with.  But really that struggle is where it’s at.  That’s where we learn, where we become strong.

So, I am slugging it out with heartache, the second act, but tonight I’m winning.  I am seeing clearly here.  I am not a pile of mush, I am actually happy tonight.  I had dinner with people I love and who love me.  I had texted with my dear friend A.  My girlfriend asked me if I am not leading him on, but no.  A is a good good friend.  I can tell him everything and anything.  He knows exactly how I felt about S.  We have talked about our own chemistry, our own relationship, nothing held back. There are no secrets.  We flirt on occasionally, in the morning, when I’m getting ready for work and we are texting.  He tells me he loves me, still.  I have said it to him.  Because he’s willing to walk through the fire with me, to make sure I’m not alone.  How could I not love him?  I am really blessed.

I see, now, that S would never walk through the fire with me, or for me.  He would have not even held out his hand to me.  It’s whatever, I don’t care tonight. The passion I have had for him is waning. I’m grateful there are people in my life that would walk through the fire with me, for me.  I would have done it for S, I would do it for A.  And my family of friends here.

There is no reason to be morose.  My life is rich and full, and I am blessed.

Losing Pain and Gaining Clarity

Image result for clarity

I had a glass of wine again tonight.  Not because I had a headache though.  I was just in the mood. I did work another 10 hour day, well, 9 actually, since I was gone for an hour to physical therapy for my hand.  I’ve been at work from 8:30 til 7 all week, and no closer to catching up, lo.

Difference is, I am not freaked out by it.  I am gonna do what I can do and be content.

I can’t stress how much not having constant pain has changed my attitude.  I am happy, again, like even when I’m working my ass off.  One of the guys at work took one of his grandfather’s old bowling trophies and made me this welcome back gift.

 
Every one laughs when they see it, and I tell them, every time I look at it, I remember that I’m a champion!

But seriously, to be able to sleep through the night, to turn the ignition on in my car with one hand and no pain, and to shift it the same way into drive….  To turn a door knob, drive with 2 hands…  I lived with that pain way too long.  And it was gone the second I came out of the anesthesia.  My muscles are stiff, but loosening up daily.  It’s awesome.

My heart is open, really open, for good things to happen, for good things to come into my life.  I have some adventures waiting, maybe someone to share them with.  Not yet, but the possibilities are endless.  I have no regrets about loving the men, well, there’s only been one man, since I left my marriage.  But I’m free of that pain too, and it’s all good.

Last weekend was the full moon.  Some people get emotional, depressed, by the force the gravity of the moon asserts on our small beings.  It seems that it gave me clarity this month.  Much needed clarity.

Love and light everyone.

Compromise, or Self Accountability?

Damn, I needed a glass of wine tonight.

First a little update. A bought the house. I got 2 or 3 group texts, with pictures…waxing poetic about Santa Fe. He got to Santa Fe on the weekend. Previously he spent less than a week there last winter. And in 3 days, he decided to change his mind completely about his lifestyle, and put a contract on a house, which he couldn’t even have had inspected yet. WTF? I kept thinking something is really wrong with him. Then later today, probably because he had no response from me about the house, I got a private text. I have NO idea how it got through, but he asked if I had the surgery. I deleted it without reading, or even opening, so it would show on is phone as “undelivered”. That really threw me, I mean, how does he get a text through when I have both his numbers blocked, and it’s coming from a blocked number? And made me more concerned about his motivation to do what he’s doing. I mean, that would be severely delusional, if I had anything to do with his decision. But then, I was married to a man who still thinks his 23 year old son could be a professional soccer goalie. People are quite capable of spinning great yarns and believing them. So yeah, that gave me a little headache.

The wine tasted good. I’m only having one glass, even though I’d like more, lol. But it’s a week night, yada yada.

But then.

I was thinking about my relationships with S, and A. Before A’s text. And how I compromised myself, both times. With A…I accepted his love for me, misdirected and perhaps ill motivated as it might have been. I accepted it without loving him back, because he made me feel good. It was a lush feeling, for awhile, to have someone adore me. To hold me, before he left and tell me he loved me “so much”. To hug me and say, “Thank God you came back to me.” I had just gone to say goodbye…he was leaving forever….I didn’t say I was back, he told himself that story. I didn’t disabuse him of that notion. I felt he was leaving, I’d probably not see him again, let him leave happy. Which is probably why I worry about his motivation in buying a house so impulsively. I mean…it’s not my worry really, he’s a grown man, but how can it be a good decision based on so little information.

But I compromised myself with him. I didn’t tell him the truth, at least not all the time. When it got too much, I did. I never told him that I loved him, I never led him on, but I accepted love from someone who I didn’t love back, and that feels wrong. Like I should have been more honest, I shouldn’t have been so self absorbed in enjoying the huge ego boost I got from it. Just feels wrong. Like I used him, even though that wasn’t my intention. I tried to love him but I couldn’t. I knew I could love S, so I went back to S.

I knew I did love S. I adored him. And he broke my heart so many times. Finally I got smart and headed him off at the pass, but not before I cried a river, a fucking ocean, over that man. Wondering what was wrong with me, that he could so easily dismiss me. So the compromise there was, that I allowed myself to love a man, with everything I had, who didn’t love me back. He would tell me he missed me, but he only missed sex. He said once he missed making me laugh. But he also told me he didn’t want to be in love, or a relationship, that he wanted to see other women. So I guess the lauging and the sex wasn’t that big a deal. I gotta give him honesty. He only led me on once.

After he fucked the prison whore, which I have lots of blogs about last winter, as I tried to work through that. He knew I had begun to see A, and just didn’t want someone else to have me. I thought he wanted me. He told me everything, almost, that I ever wanted to hear, he did everything I’d dreamed about. It took me about 30 seconds to cast A aside and be with S.

And then once S knew I was with him, not A….all those things disappeared, never to be seen again. And we went back to our non-relationship status and it hurt more than ever.

Because I compromised myself. I gave myself willingly, because I wanted to love him. And I didn’t care that he didn’t love me. I let myself do that….treated myself like a tramp, like shit, because I wanted to love him. He treated me…ok, unless he was having a bad day, but he never was dishonest with me, except that one time, to keep me from being with A. I shouldn’t have allowed that either.

So here I am, compromised. By two men, on opposite ends of the spectrum. One, I let him love me, and I didn’t, couldn’t, love him back, but let him lavish it on me, just to make myself feel valuable. The other, I loved, with nothing in return. I let myself be used. Used honestly. It was only my fault.

So the question is…..should I be feeling bad about any of this? Am I responsible for the fact that A loved me, unrequited? No more than S is responsible that I loved him, unrequited. We can only control our own emotions. We can only set our own standards for ourselves.

A loved me, (I am not sure that’s even past tense at the moment), but I’m not responsible for his emotions. I never led him on, I just enjoyed his company. Until recently, when he was wanting a bigger camper “in case” I wanted to come see him, and then suddenly a house. And the way his conversation went far more intimate than I was comfortable with.

S…didn’t. I knew it. He’s not responsible for my emotions. I guess I kept thinking that he would love me someday, that some day he’d want me the way I wanted him. But it was my stupid dream, his was to be free. Over time, I began to detach. We saw each other rarely, we talked a lot, but there was nothing growing there, except separation. I accepted that over the summer, and little by little let the dream go. When he lost his temper with me over nothing this past weekend, it was not hard at all to close the book, and decide not to turn the page. I hadn’t seen him in a month. While I thought I missed him, I was actually in the process of detaching. This was the first time it has not hurt. Maybe there are no tears left to cry, but at any rate, I’m not and that’s a good thing.

(Let me just note here, that I have not been blogging about S and I for some time now.  The things in this blog are all things I have published before, so I don’t feel like I am breaking any trust by talking about them.  I cannot write this blog without mentioning them.  I am not going into any detail about why I closed the book on that relationship, now or ever.  If I did, I would be breaking the trust.)

Going forward….I don’t want to compromise. I will choose, yes choose, to love only someone who is capable of loving me back. I will not stay with someone just because he loves me. I will have balance, or be alone. It’s only myself that I have to not let down. No one else. Maybe I’ll be alone, but that would be preferable to not liking the person I have become. I’m alone right now, and you know what? It feels fine.