Tag Archives: confusion

Ruminations on Reclusiveness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Am I becoming reclusive? I spend a lot of time alone. And I don’t mind. I consider calling a friend to come over or go do something, and so often I stop myself. Not wanting someone intruding on me. At least lately. I don’t understand this sudden change in me.

I’ve always been extroverted. Love having people around. Love deep conversation. Love my friends. It’s why I was not afraid to move somewhere far away where I knew only 2 people, an old friend and my sister. I knew that I had always made friends easily, and I have. But lately, I find myself keeping to myself.

Perhaps I have given too much of myself, maybe I feel spread thin. I don’t know. I miss my son. At times I really miss my old life. But I love my new life. It’s just that lately, I don’t want to take a walk with someone else. I want to walk by myself, along the waterfront, sorting out my thoughts and emotions. Trying to figure out what it is that I really want, that brings me joy, and passion.

Writing is the first answer. Not the only one, but the first one. It brings me so much peace, to put my thoughts in a form where I can see them. I cannot seem to work them out without putting them on the page. I was up again, last night in the middle of the night, writing away. Because thoughts were there that were screaming at me for release. Compelling thoughts. And things I don’t want to publish, I don’t want them to be public knowledge. I need to keep and honor some things only in my heart. We all do.

This morning I have to get some groceries. Coffee, cream, toilet paper, some salad makings. I had to force myself to be kind enough to ask my friend who has no car of her own if she wants to go with me. I’m glad I did. I have wished someone was here to just talk with, someone I knew well. I want to rest in the arms of a close friend. This friend I called, well, she is a good friend. She can become argumentative though, and I hope that doesn’t happen today because I am way too tired to deal with it.

What I really want is someone who could take a nap with me, just lay down and make me feel safe….a man, no doubt, but just to rest my weary head against someone who I knew would not hurt me. It has been decades since I had that peace. And even when I had it, it was temporary.

When I lived with my son, I was content enough, to have him around. He was there. He would listen to me if he realized I really needed to be heard. He could see and understand me without a whole lot of communication. He read my body language. It wasn’t like having a significant other, but it eased the fact that I didn’t have one, or that the man I’d chosen had let me down, again.

I don’t want to be a recluse. I want to be involved in life, with passion, with love. I don’t want to become isolated, yet that’s what I’ve been doing lately to some degree. I’ll show up where I’m expected, but I just want to be alone most of the time.

I guess, when I look at it from the more objective perspective of reading it on the page, that I am sitting with some things. I don’t really know what they are, or why they are affecting me this way. But like a teacher who used to facilitate my meditation group each week said, “You don’t have to excavate. You don’t have to dig up your past. You just have to honor that you feel the way you feel.”

I guess I’m honoring myself, by allowing myself to feel things that are uncomfortable right now, but are evasive in origin. I guess that I want to do this in private, until I don’t need to anymore. So, if my blogging is more sparse, that’s why. I’m not saying it will be, but it was yesterday. And then the things that came out were direct from my soul. Today, this comes from the same place. I am confused, but willing. Reticent, but full of words. I suppose at some point it will spill back out and the clouds will dissipate.

Love and light.

Self Regained, A Poem

Posted on by learning to live like water

whatyouseek

I was at that place today
You know the one.
You’ve been there too.

Daydreams collide
Fiction and fantasy
What was and what wasn’t
What could be and what can’t.
What is, and what isn’t.

Confusion and conflict wove
My head and my heart
Into a chaotic tapestry
Of love and pain, regret and hope.

Things I’d forgotten,
Or, tried to,
Danced rings around my psyche
Spiraling around me
Squeezing the breath out of me.

Days yet to come
Jousted for position
Among the dancers
Painting the pictures with the wind
On the surface of my soul.

I stayed there til it settled.
The spinning stopped,
The dancers grew tired,
The jousting painters dipped their brushes
Tentatively, beginning their work.

And I, in the center,
Of all that commotion
Regained myself.

Changes

Posted on by learning to live like water

changes

Feeling a little introspective this morning.  The confusion I wrote about a few days ago still exists.  At times it doesn’t bother me, at times I’m sick of it.  At times I want to just move away from it toward something simple.

Florida.  I did some ground work on social security when I was home with the snow Friday.  I had forgotten that if I collect while I’m working I will get less, much less.  It seems I have to rethink my plans.  I still will sell the house and move, but have to live off of my own money til at least next January.  And how much will that cost me?  I don’t really want to use that money.  So If I move, I will have to work there at least somewhat.  I’ll need to earn some extra money so as not to deplete my own saving/investments.  At least until January of next year.  But I’m thinking if I’m gonna wait til January, wait til April, when I will be of full retirement age, and the monthly amount I get will go up.

So here’s hoping that I can find a fairly mindless, easy job for 20 or 25 hours a week when I move.  Nothing that requires the big decisions. At my current job, we brought in someone for a month to just do filing.  That kind of job.  I could file for 20 hours a week, lol.

Medicare is its own nightmare to figure out.  I talked so someone about it, and I can probably save money by going on it, and buying the supplemental care, and it will be a better insurance policy.  But I need to talk to my boss about it too.  I’ll do that this week.  I need prescription drug coverage, since I’m diabetic.

This country makes it hard to retire, and collect the benefits I have worked for for 50 years.  It’s crazy.

My son and I are making our monthly trip to Sam’s Club today to stock the house.  I have to stop at Michael’s and get some jewelry supplies on the way.  I’ll be making jewelry I guess, during the Superbowl.  I think  it’s the first one I’ve been home alone for since I left my marriage.  Not that it’s a big deal, really.

My son will be at a Superbowl party somewhere. As he should be.

When I was married, we used to make a bunch of homemade finger food.  Good stuff, and it was just an excuse to eat and drink.  It was about as festive as my ex and I ever got.  He was a good cook, so I didn’t do it all by myself, which was nice.  But I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop though, when it involved drinking with him.  He might be in a good mood, and just pass out.  Or he might morph into the creature from the depths and we’d all end up in our separate rooms, terrified.

It does make me think, how I miss the days when my friends kids and my son were all in school and we all saw each other a lot.  I didn’t think that group would ever disband, but without our kids activities binding us, everyone is drifting apart, not nearly so tight as we were.  I miss those days.  I don’t have many single friends.  It never mattered before, but it seems now….as my core group of friends drifts apart, I wish I had a few more single friends to hang out with.

I did a lot of cooking yesterday.  Homemade hot and sour soup, buffalo chicken meatballs.  I guess I was just in the mood.  It’s good Superbowl food anyway.  Maybe it’s a habit.  Maybe I was hoping for a last minute invite somewhere.  It’s also good food to have in the fridge so I can have a real meal when I get home from work.

Changes.  Everything changes doesn’t it.  It’s the only thing we can count on.  Change will come, whether we want it or not. Good to learn how to accept that which is.

I guess it’s time for gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for.  When I think about it, I feel kind of like a whiny child, lol, wishing for things to be so different than they are.  I guess that’s what Florida is all about.  Recreating something closer to what I dream of.  And being grateful for the opportunity and the ability to do it.

Love and light.

 

 

Gettin’ It Done

Posted on by learning to live like water

gettin_it_done

Sunday Sunday.  Ok, I know the song is Monday Monday, but whatever, lol.  I sent to bed at 9:30, I slept til 7.  I was awake for about an hour  in the middle of the night, but that’s still a good night’s sleep.  Feeling way better, and less confused today.

I have been able to be productive today.  I got the house vacuumed, the floors mopped, the furniture dusted, well, some of it, lol.  I got my bedroom back to normal after having Maggie holed up there all last week.  And I just put a loaf of banana bread in the oven.  I still need to run to the store for bread.  I have not one piece of  bread, lol.  And I want to make a meatloaf for dinner, so I need bread.

Maggie is healing just fine, I am so grateful and happy.  I didn’t want her when I got her, but I got attached.  I was just done with pets, but now that she’s been here for 8 years…she’s a good little buddy.

It’s warm and pouring rain here today.  They have snow in the forecast for next weekend but I’m hoping they are wrong.  Because I don’t want any snow, and because I have a birthday party to go to that is about a half hour drive from here.  I would like to get through winter with no snow.  However that is pretty unlikely, lol.  It has never happened in my memory.

I am making plans to go to Florida in March for maybe a week.  I can’t wait.  I’m going to scout around the areas I’d like to live and check out the affordable neighborhoods.  And go to the beach.  As much as I can.  🙂

I am reading 2 books at the moment, one fiction, “All the Light We Cannot See” which is good but not what I expected.  And also “The Untethered Soul” by Marc Singer for my book club.  It seems to be a lot like The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which I read years ago and was life changing.  But it’s always good to get another take on it.

I have to pick our next book.  I think it might be The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown.  Or The Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.  Maybe we’ll take a vote.  I’ve read them both, but I can always re-read.  And I don’t think the others have read either of them.

I guess I’ll go and fold my laundry, while the bread bakes, before I go to the store.  I hope everyone is having a good day.

 

Trying to Find My Courage

Posted on by learning to live like water

courage vs comfort

I have so much to say this morning, and feel like I should just not say a lot of it, at least not right now.  Talking to Scott dredged up a lot of old stuff, that I’m hoping will settle back down where it was.  Not longing, but anger, disappointment, confusion.  My head is spinning, my emotions are a little raw again.  And I don’t want to write anything that can be taken wrong, that might cause pain to Betty, that will fuel a divide that is already huge.

He said that Betty told him I was still in love with him.  It sounded as though she said it not in a jealous way, but kind of as a revelation.  I told him, well that’s not news Scott.  I told you I will always love you, and I will.  But that doesn’t mean I can be with you, or accept your behavior, or would ever trust you.

He asked me what I wanted from him now.  I thought about it….but nothing.  I want nothing.  I want to move on, I want to fall in love with someone who can love me back as passionately as I can love.  I am happy that we talked, even though it came to no good end yesterday.  I hate cutting off communication with anyone, I don’t think that refusing to communicate ever eases anything. Not that I want to be communicating with him the way we used to, constantly.  It is just easier to know we can communicate, than thinking that  we can never talk.   Especially with this frigging connection that we have, or at least that I have with him.  Sometimes I feel compelled to let him know what I’m feeling, and it’s nice to know I can, especially when it has to do with his health.

I have to talk and write, to work things out.  I had to stay silent in my marriage for so many years, just to stay safe, just to keep the sleeping dogs sleeping.  If they woke they were vicious.  I refuse to do that ever again.  It almost killed me then, really. When I left that marriage I was diabetic, way overweight (I’ve lost about 40 lbs since then) and my heart was beating irregularly, pounding in my chest.  I prayed every night, literally, “Please God, don’t let me have a heart attack while I sleep.  I can’t leave my son with his father as his only parent.”  Thankfully, that prayer was answered night after night.  When I moved out, it stopped the very first night I was alone, and it’s never come back.

I started writing during that time.  I started writing down what I was living with because I just thought, “I have to write this down.  No one will ever believe this.”  I discovered the therapeutic benefits of writing it out.  My ex didn’t know I did this, though the journals weren’t hidden.  He went through my room a number of times, to see if I was hiding money, because once he found $85 I had squirreled away.  He had to see the journals when he rifled through my drawers and closets, but ignored them, because for whatever reason, he was not interested in my thoughts.  Until I brought them to court, and the judge showed an interest.  Whatever.  I wrote them for me, but they had a bigger benefit than I ever imagined they would.

I won’t go there again.  I’ve learned to have the hard conversations.  Scott asked what he could do now,now that he’s done all this damage.  And he apologized.  I thanked him for that, I told him it was a good first step for him to recognize and feel remorse for the damage he did.  But what could he do now?  He seemed genuine, as if he wanted to know.  I said, “next time you have a choice to tell a hard truth or a pretty lie, choose the hard truth.  Just choose the truth.  Practice it.”

I’d like to tell him to journal his day, to look back and observe his behavior, to see where he was selfish, and where he stood up for something.  But that’s my method, it’s not his.  Even though, I’ve read bits of things he’s written and he’s very talented.

All of this pain, every bit of it, could have been avoided by the truth.  Well, ok, I still would have been hurt and sad to lose him, but I wouldn’t have had all the other emotions around it.  I would have gotten past it, through it.  All of Betty’s pain, and his current pain, would be non-existent.  I acknowledge that the pain I would have had, I could have just looked at myself, and taken responsibility for it, because I dismissed 100 red flags because I didn’t want them to be true.  I loved being in love, I loved him beyond reason, and refused to accept anything that said to me, “NO, not now, Deb, not this time.  Don’t do it. Stop…..”  Because I thought he just wanted to be alone, and work things out, I thought too, that someday he’d not want to be alone.  If I’d known he was in love with Betty, I would have let go.  Quickly.  It’s the one boundary I will not cross.  It’s the only one I ever set.

Yes I’m a little fixated, as was said in a comment to me on my apology blog.  I need complete understanding to let go of things, or as much as I can get.  And really, I had it, I will have it again, I will gain clarity again, once all this stuff that was dredged up settles back down.  I have been moving away from it, in small, but steady steps.

I am looking forward to my lunch date today.  We’re going to a new Mexican restaurant.  It will be fun to meet this man that I’ve been talking to all week.  I have no expectation though.  It has been nice, so far.  Sometimes meeting in person makes it better, sometimes you find out there’s no connection.  But it’s a brave thing to do, to put myself out there again.  It’s a step in the right direction, toward where I want to go.  Brene Brown says that making yourself vulnerable is the most courageous thing you can do.  I think she’s right.

Love and light.

Adder:  My date is off.  It’s fine.  He had a what appears to be a valid reason, and said maybe we can meet after work one day next week.  But I knew when Scott’s energy got thrown back into my life that this date might not happen, it’s just the way it is.  I was not focused on meeting a new man, I’ve been, obviously, focused on still working my way out of this old relationship.  That’s the way the energy ripples out.  I have some work to do still, and until I get it done, nothing will work out the way I dream about.

 

Tough Day Ahead

Posted on by learning to live like water

tough dayAs I expected, I heard from S last night, I would guess it wasn’t long after Betty Boop was gone home.  Nothing was accomplished, I had told him he was unblocked in case he had anything to say to me.  Apparently he did not, last night, though he says he has plenty to say, but chose not to say it.  Of course, I was in bed, I was exhausted having slept very little the night before.  I had no expectations from him.  I just left the lines of communication open.

Why?  I don’t really know.  In hindsight, I don’t know that it was even a healthy thing to do.  He burned the bridge, when he played me.  I don’t know that hearing from him will dull the burn still blistering on my skin.  I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after about 5 hours of sleep.  Nauseous and crying, and wondering how he could do that to me, again.  Then I thought of A’s calm steady love of me, and how he gently, and carefully, and sweetly talked me down yesterday.  How he offered me the unconditional love that S spurned.  It was calming, to know that A will always be there for me.  Even as just a friend, he is a male friend who loves me, and understands how I love people.  I am so grateful that he is still in my life.

Maybe if I talk to S, I will get a clearer picture of who he is, and how he could do what he did to me, making it easier to let him go.  But maybe not.  I have a feeling he still wants me in the periphery of his life, to be able to text and talk to me, and to spend his time with Betty Boop.  That’s not going to happen.  No matter what, I cannot go back to where I was.  He made his choice, spraying out as much pain as possible in his wake. I don’t want to be with a man who can do that.

I bought Brene Brown’s new book “Rising Strong” last night, after watching her on SuperSoulSunday,  I think it is exactly what I need to hear to heal from this devastation, to find my way back to wanting to live.  She says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, creativity,…but if you’re going to be vulnerable, you are going to fall down.”  This book is about getting back up….and exactly what I need right now, help in getting back up.

This day is going to be tough.  I have to work til 7 tonight and I was awake at 4 am, and am still so stressed, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.  It will be good though, to get back to a regular schedule, and not to be alone all day.  I know the people who love me will check in with me.  I’ll make it through the day, and hopefully be a little better tonight than I am this morning.

Love and light everyone.

Confusion Reigns

Posted on by learning to live like water

You may have noticed this about me.

From day to day…I can’t seem to figure out

exactly what I want.

I wish I could stop the merry-go-round

And figure out where I want to get off.

And who’s going to be there when I do

And who’s going to be on the opposite side.

I don’t know if it’s love or fear

That keeps me on this horse,

with flowers in it’s mane

And it’s tail flying like the wind.

I only know when I’m on one side

The other appears to be what I want

Until I get there,

And realize what I wanted was back over there.

Round and round I go.

I think,

If I could just hold onto your hand…

I could stop and get off this ride.

Surrendering to the Wind

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

My little boat is ill equipped for this wind. 

Confused seas, 

First on my beam

Then following  behind me

Threatening. 

A header sea, 

Challenges my heart. 

Wind from the north, blustery

Then comes around

Southerly, balmy. 

I feel safe momentarily. 

Then it goes cold and damp

As it foretells an eastern gale. 

Seas are raucous, 

They laugh as I hold my stomach, 

Staving off waves of nausea. 

Home port seems so far, 

Because I cannot maintain speed in any direction. 

Longing for the comfort of an easy berth

Safely laying in my slip. 

But first, I need a steady wind. 

I cannot move, yet, 

floundering this way then that. 

Just when the wind seems steady, 

a gust blows me backwards. 

And so, I am hove to, 

I take down the sails 

And let the wind and sea 

Direct my journey. 

Hands off the wheel,

I surrender to the powers greater

Than mine. 

And my little boat. 

A Time of Transformation.

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

The sun comes up so much later in just the last 2 weeks.  I’m outside before it, again.  There is a wee, crescent moon, a single star hidden behind the leaves of the tress and the eastern horizon is lighting up pink, fading to gray blue in a cloudless sky.  It is cool, but not cold, about 68 degrees.  No blanket needed this morning, the cool air fees lovely on my bare arms.

I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach, and food is still difficult though I am able to eat without feeling like I’m going to get sick.  I think now, it is not so much pain, but is so much regret, and confusion, and inability to comprehend what this whole past weekend was about.

First, the snake. I knew that the metaphysical meaning of a snake showing up in your life meant change.  I just looked it up for a closer look, at the meaning, it’s been a long time.  Here is what I found.

“Transmutation is the key word here. The shedding of old skin and emotions and transforming them into something bigger and better. If Snake winds itself into your life know that change is in the wind and that you are at the center of it all as the catalyst. Make sure that your intentions are clear and that you have clear a clear sense of the direction that you need to strike out in. Snake is letting you know that these changes are safe and that there is no need to fear them.”

And another site.

“The snake animal meaning is powerfully connected to life force and primal energy. In many cultures, it is revered as a powerful totem representing the source of life. When the snake spirit animal appears in your life, it likely means that healing opportunities, change, important transitions, and increased energy are manifesting.”

So, believing that there are no coincidences, I should probably look at the snakes appearance in my life in the very middle of all the weekend chaos, as a sign, that there is huge change coming, and not to be afraid of it.  That, combined with the message from the Secret Scrolls that I  published a couple days ago, which both said the same thing.  I need to lose the fear of change.

I sat last night, after I published my last blog on wanting to know the truth, and rolled around the events of the day and the weekend.  I am not meaning to be obsessed.  This is a habit I got into when I was married to a man who delighted in being devious, and loved to gaslight me, and just see if he could create a situation that would make me believe all the wrong things.  He did it for the pure joy of knowing he could control my mind and emotions.  So, I learned to read the signs, to be hypervigilant, to do my best to stay one step ahead of him.

In replaying everything last night, I still know that the conversation I had with S was not the truth.  That it was far from the truth. And that it’s design was to lead me into some chaotic path, back to him, without him having to own up to whatever it was he had planned, designed, and carried out.

Maybe it was like I said, they were together, it didn’t work out, and he was backtracking, to undo the damage he had done. Maybe the entire scenario was a fabrication, right from the start, maybe he never talked to  her at all, but made this up because he knows how jealous I am, to reassure himself that I still wanted him, and to get me to stop with ending the relationship.  I had been publishing all week prior to the appearance of Betty Boop, that I was done with the screwy relationship, that caused way more pain than pleasure for me.  Nothing adds up to him receiving a call  from her, telling me she’s back in his life, I should be happy for him, and it’s all he ever wanted, and then telling me they have just talked for a week.  I believe either they got together, hence me not hearing from him all weekend, and suffering all weekend, because he just didn’t give a damn, he was so caught up in the possibility that she was “back in his life”, or he made the whole thing up to keep me from breaking  up with him.

I have the voicemails still, that he left telling me he wished I’d be happy for him.  But I don’t want to listen to them again.  In my memory, they seem genuine, his voice seems as if he’s not acting.  But then again, he’s good at taking on roles,

The point this morning is, it doesn’t matter to me right now exactly what happened.  I know I don’t have the truth, and what the truth is doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that I was lied to.  And that is only equal with the fact that he knew how much pain I was in all weekend, and did nothing at all to ease it.

He is incapable of loving, but even more important he cannot empathize, he has no ability to understand another person’s pain, and he cannot stand to be accountable for the consequences of his actions.  Childish, immature, and so far from the man I thought he was, and so far from the man I want.

Back to the snake, I know the ball in the pit of my stomach is the transformation which has begun.  My transformation, out of this relationship, to open the door in a real way to a better, happier life.  It is letting go of something I held dear for a long time, and had dreams around, but every minute the fog is burning off my psyche and I see the truth a little bit better.  As it comes into focus, I will heal.

This morning, even though I can look at what happened and still feel enormous anger at S, I have to feel sorry for him too, that he felt compelled to make up a story to me, rather than tell the truth.  That he has so little confidence in who he is, that he can’t be real, even with me, who never asked him for anything except love which was the one thing I could not have. I hope he does what he’s been telling me he needs to do for 6 months, and that is to go and find  himself.  Find what he wants, find what he needs to be, and do with the years remaining on this earth.  He has so much potential, but he sets himself up for failure in his belief that he is not worthy of love and belonging.  I thought I could help him learn to believe that he has value because he exists, for no other reason.  But I can’t, couldn’t.  He needs to find that out for himself, to love himself.  He needs to learn to silence his ego, and allow his spirit to lead the way.  Then there is a possibility he will be able to love another person and not cause them both endless pain.

The sun is up now.  It promises to be a hot late summer day.  This time of year, I always think, is this the last hot day until next summer?  Will I feel the waves of warm moist heat on my skin again for many months? Every warm day in September is a blessing.  It is a good time for change, for transformation.  The autumn here is known for it’s beauty, the hills and mountains heavily wooded, covered with red, and gold, and orange, and still some green.  It can be breathtaking.

I would like to have my breath taken away by something beautiful for a change.

Note:  the picture at the top is from my deck as I wrote this blog.

Coming Full Circle

Posted on by learning to live like water

My first tears fell last night.  The anger gave way to the cause of it and I broke down sobbing last night.  I woke up doing the same this morning.  Thank God I have the sleeping pills from my carpal tunnel, they afford me 5 or 6 hours of sleep.

I miss him so much, if I think about it for a second, my heart just squeezes and all that pain just pours down my face, just wracking my body.

This morning, I unblocked him and sent him this pathetic text.

“I miss you so much I can’t breathe.  I can’t stop crying.  I’m a mess.  I tried so hard to love you so well and it didn’t matter even one teeny bit.  I unblocked you in case you have a pang of conscience about walking so briskly away from the woman that loved you.”

Because, this ex gf, Betty Boop, I don’t believe she loves him.  I believe she needs something from him, and is using his love for her to get it. I don’t think anyone who leaves a 12 year relationship, runs off an marries a man she doesn’t know, and walks out on the marriage 18 months later, has a clue about herself.  I don’t know her. I don’t need to know her, her actions tell me who she is.and my intuition.

Maybe S likes being so much smarter than her.  Maybe it feeds his ego, to have some sexy dumb woman think he’s smart.  It feeds his ego enough that he doesn’t mind being used by her to take care of all her financial needs.

Damn the connection I have with him.  If I am right they were together last night, and this morning.  I know he’ll go read the text in private, I know he won’t have read any of my blogs until he’s alone.  Maybe he’ll stop reading them altogether.  After all, I suppose he doesn’t really need to know what I’m thinking now.  He’s got her to occupy his mind.  Maybe he’s spending all of the long holiday weekend with her.  Something he would never do with me.

I need to let go.  I forgot how painful this roller coaster is.  Last night I was pretty high, I was not caring, until I got home.  This morning, I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t talk to him. I know it would be so much better if I could just cut off communication, but I just can’t, quite yet.

I still know that I’ll be ok.  I know I’ll get through this.  I know there is someone out there who will love me and what I have to offer.  It is just so hard to think of him with her.  That’s where I get stuck.  I need to do a lot of work around that one thing.  I just can’t stand him being with someone else.

He used to tell me that they never talked during the week.  Sometimes a quick, “are we on for the weekend” message.  I thought that so strange.  He and I talked all the time, texting during the day at work, in the evening, sometimes talking on the phone.  Seems so strange that he loved someone so much that he never talked to.  Just seems…a cold way to have a relationship.

Well, if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants.  I could never want it.  I loved our conversations.  Intimate, flirty, downright sexual, intellectual, spiritual, debates at times  One reason I loved him was his ability to discuss intelligently a huge wide rage of subjects and interject his pretty expansive and varied life experiences to them.  I miss his stories.  I miss how he made me laugh.  I thought he liked it too.  I know he liked what I did for him in bed.

And she shows up, and he just takes her back, and tosses me to the side.  It’s killing me today.  Just killing me.  So much rejection, so suddenly.

I just had a glimmer though, a small one.  I thought how a week ago, he called me dumb because I misunderstood his two word communications when he was in NJ.  How angry it made me.  How unnecessary it was for him to talk to me like that.  I knew it was because he was in a bad mood from his sisters, and taking it out on me.  When I stood up to it, it got worse.  He was swearing at me, because I misunderstood him.  He had forgotten his phone charger altogether, and was trying to save the battery.  He’s always had one in the car, I’m pretty sure, and I just assumed that since he was driving he was able to charge the phone. that he only hadn’t been able to charge it when he was in his sisters house.  I told him he was the stupid one for forgetting the charger, and that he was also an asshole for calling me dumb and everything else he called me.  And later that evening, when I knew he was home and wasn’t contacting me, I sent him an email, telling him that I missed the man I thought he was, but the one that showed up that day, I didn’t want within 100 miles of me.

So the question I’m asking, that’s given me a little glimmer, is….If he were to decide he didn’t want to be with her, and wanted to be with me, do I really want that back in my life?  Because that’s our two week cycle.  I still don’t want to that man, that calls me names, and flashes his anger like a weapon, within 100 miles of me.  I only want the funny one, the one who makes me laugh, the one who tells great stories, and the one who is so physically passionate, though selfish. I can’t have one without the other. And I really don’t want the other.

That answer makes it easier to deal with the fact that he’s with her right now.  Tears have finally stopped.  If I remove Betty Boop from the equation, it is all the same.  He and I can’t work for more that 2 weeks without a blow up.  That book needed to be closed.

God, I have come full circle with this blog.

Writing is so therapeutic.  I couldn’t do this if I couldn’t write and work this stuff out.  I didn’t expect this to go here, but here I am.  My circle may look like the one in the picture, full of twists and turns. It may be convoluted, but I ended up back where I was before Betty Boop showed up.