Let Me Go, Set Me Free

set me free

The middle of the night is a lonely place, in my bed, alone, remembering him next to me, and then not.  His blue eyes laughing, sparkling, smiling. And then cold, like the blue of a glacier, floating in a cold ocean. Unfeeling, uncaring. Waiting for me to blindly crash into him and sink.  Missing him, why?

The hole he left in my heart….he filled it with ugliness.  Why in the world would I miss someone who used and abused me for his own pleasure?

I beg the archangels, cut these energetic cords with him. The cords that cross centuries, the cords that cross lifetimes.  I don’t want them anymore. I don’t want any in this lifetime.  I don’t want the old ones to pull me in and make me ache for what I don’t even know, or understand.

Cut them from my head, from my hands, from my heart.  Or pull them out, by the roots.  Send them back to him, or out into the universe.  There are times I don’t even know if I’m feeling my own emotions or his.  Cut them, protect me from them.  Let me know that the pain I feel is my own.  I don’t want to have to deal with his pain.  If I am.  My own pain is sufficient burden to carry.

Let me forget.  Forget the emotions which make me remember the lost dreams, the love I lavished on him. That make me remember the lies, the deception he lay in my path, to stumble across as I ran down it, my eyes blinded by my own tears, and fall flat on my face, broken, bruised and bleeding, with no hand to help me up but my own.

But to hold space, for him….because I can’t not love him, but I can’t be hurt anymore.  I can’t wake in the night any more and miss him.  I can’t continue to have emotions about him that defy the reality in which I live.

I have sat with these emotions long enough.  I beg the loving energy of the universe:  let me go, set me free.


Random Memories Wreaking Havoc

Warning:  This is pretty raw……

Today was difficult.  I had that random rogue wave memory hit me today, while I was working.  (See last blog)  I had to go to the ladies room to keep from crying at my desk.  I just don’t understand the mentality.

When he did the prison whore, he called me two days later and couldn’t wait to tell me.  He didn’t want the weight of it on him.  He said “I did something and it’s gonna hurt.”  But he still had to tell me.  He had to do the right thing.  That was February.

In May, he had me over to his house on a Sunday.  Not of course, Saturday night.  I had been there in April, a couple weeks before, the night his friend died. (I had been sitting at home, and was overcome with a feeling from him…I called and asked if he was ok.  He said “funny you should ask.   Gus died last night.”  I was there in a few hours.  He was sad….really sad. But Ok.)  I didn’t think anything of the fact that I hadn’t been with him the night before, now two weeks or so later.  He’d had the memorial service for his friend the day/night before. I got there late morning, I think.  We made love, we were sitting naked, he on his couch and me in one of his recliners, and he told me he was thinking maybe we didn’t need to see each other every weekend.  I remember saying, “I think I want to get dressed.”

He was most likely in her bed the night before, or maybe she had been there and left.  More likely he was at her house…which is why I was not at his house the night before.  I think Saturday that weekend he might have gone to the memorial get together for his friend who died.  I bet she went with him.  She knew the friend too.  I think they first connected when she commented on his picture on FB.  Maybe he even called her to tell her. Since she wasn’t really married……  Maybe he spent the night with her.  Maybe their first night together again.  Maybe not.  Maybe he came home and texted me about it. I can’t remember, it was 7 months ago.  But I’m sure he started seeing her then.  And then he had me over Sunday.

He just said he wanted to focus on himself, on his house, his yardwork, he’d been in a relationship for all his life, he wanted to see what it was like alone…..He still wanted to see me, just not as often for awhile.

Because he had her now.

(This is only a rough timeline.  I didn’t always write about it when I was with him, apparently.  I know I was the weekend of March 30.  I know that was not the last time I was at his house, so I think this is approximately right.)

But he didn’t respect me or his relationship with her enough to tell me the truth.  He could tell me the truth about Samantha the prison whore, but not Betty.  He couldn’t tell me the truth about her until I was ready to come down there and find her there. He disregarded everything either of us ever said to him about not wanting any part of a relationship like that.

All summer he tried to get me to be part of an intense physical relationship, but nothing else.  Because we had a great physical relationship.  When I began to realize that’s what he wanted, I told him to let me go.  Not to come see me if he didn’t want to stay.  A couple of times he spent the night, I don’t know how that worked with her, that I got him on a Saturday night.  Maybe they were fighting.  Maybe she went away.  Maybe he lied to her.  Who the hell knows?  But he gave me just enough to hold on.

Now I get why in early May he was excited to go to Florida with me in early June and suddenly did a 180° turn.  I knew something was up then, but I couldn’t figure it out.  I was angry about it though.  He’d found cheap tickets for us, we’d talked about what we’d do…etc. He was going to rent a car so we could fly into Tampa and then he’d have a car while I visited my mom.  And suddenly he wouldn’t go.  Broke my heart then.  And I got over it, because I fucking loved him.

Sometimes I’d agree, “if that’s the only way I can see you then ok….”  More and more often the answer became “…..Let me go if that’s what you want.  It’s not what I want.”  He wouldn’t do that either.   I’d say, “You wanting to find yourself and be alone is fine, but it doesn’t mean I’m sitting in the wings waiting for you whenever you get the urge.  If you want to be alone, then be alone.”

Of course, he wasn’t, alone. He had her.  But he wouldn’t say so.  He wanted us both, hanging around.  I could see him anytime from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning.  He could easily, apparently, go from her bed to mine, or mine to hers.

I remember the day of the eclipse, end of September, Sunday night of the weekend before he dropped his bomb.  We were texting…I was telling him that the reason our sex life was so good was because I loved him so much.  That I couldn’t even participate if I didn’t love him.  He suddenly seemed to hear me….he was going to come here and watch the eclipse.  He was getting ready to leave and fell down his stairs and couldn’t move.  He was laying on the floor on his back.  He had been half-thinking of spending the night because I can go into work late on Monday.

And then he couldn’t come.  I think that was true…He had been planning to leave when he called me me from the floor.  She wouldn’t have been around on a Sunday night, and never would have known if he came over and spent the night.

So we sat on our own decks and watched it, texting occasionally.  We both saw the same shooting star.  We texted all week from early in the morning til we went to bed.  During work. During lunch.   Close, intimate, sweet, sexy.

Right up til we went to bed Friday night.  I felt he heard and understood me for the first time in ages.  I felt close…he said he did too.  He texted me at 4 AM when he woke up “for no reason”.   Turns out for plenty of reason. At 10:30 he texted me that he was going to be with her.

Set up.  So set up.  So set up all summer for him to devastate me.  At the moment I loved him the most, he brought me down, he crushed me.

I’ve been pretty good lately.  It doesn’t hurt much anymore.  Angers me more than hurts.   But today, all these random memories from last spring have been just barging into my mind, not knocking at the door, not ringing the doorbell, not asking if they could come in. Slapping my face, ripping open scars, spitting in my face.

All that time.  He could tell me about the prison whore, who meant nothing to him.  But he couldn’t tell me about Betty, who he claims now, he loved.  He couldn’t even honor her by telling me the truth.  He couldn’t respect her wishes.   He couldn’t honor me or respect me and my wishes.  What did I do to deserve that?  I loved him so much, I was always there for him.  I asked very little of him.  Whatever he wanted.  We had fun together, we played, we flirted, but for me…it was always within the confines of just us.  It was just two people who cared for each other being intimate.

I want to get back to forgiveness.  I’m happier there, but tonight I’m hurting.  It won’t take so long, it won’t hurt as deep this time but it hurts.  He’ll read this, and he’ll hide away from me.  What does he care, he didn’t care for those 6 months.  He’s probably hiding from Betty too.  Why should he wonder if the women whose lives he ripped up for his own pleasure are ok?  He can’t do anything about it, but if it was me, I’d still want to know that they were not still laying on the ground bleeding.

I know he’s a sick man.  I mean, mentally ill, to do this to anyone.  I also know he’s not going to do anything about it.  He’s not going to face his demons, he’s going to let them have free rein.  He’s going to go to his grave believing that he was hurt by all this.  All this that he created, and he set up, and he caused with his lies and deception to feed his own ego.  Eventually, I’ll feel sorry for him. Eventually.

Not tonight.  Tonight, I’d like to know that he feels the depth of my pain.  Tonight I’d like to know he has even a modicum of remorse for the way he shattered me, and left me lying there in pieces.  Tonight I’d like to know that it all meant something to him, something more than great sex.  I wonder if he knows how much audacity he had to ask me to help him with Betty, after he ripped my heart out and chewed it up and spit it out in a bloody mess.  He wanted me to help him deal with the lies and deception of another woman, without any consideration as to what those lies and deception did to me.  As if I should just understand, because he didn’t love me, he loved her.  As if that somehow made my pain less intense.  You’d be hard pressed to make me believe he loved anyone but himself.  Playing two women all summer, lying to them both, deceiving them both.  That’s not love S.  That’s self gratification, like jerking off.  One was an old fuck, one was a new one.  But we were both just a fuck for you.  We both know it.

I know I’ll never get what I wish I’d gotten even a little of.  I’m left to dry my own tears, and put my own self back together, and start walking again, away from him, toward a new life.





Inconceivably, S called me at work. Twice. I let the first go to voice mail and he called back so I took it to keep him from continuing to call.

He wanted me to “help him out”. He is “fighting for his life”.  He apologizes to me for what he did to me. He knows he will pay 5 lifetimes for it. But I know he really has always loved BB.  She wants to know who I am.

I said “then give her my name and phone number I’ll  talk to her. ”

“You don’t have to break her heart.”


“Scott YOU broke her heart not me!!!!”

I had to hang up. I could not believe he had the balls to ask me not to tell her the truth.

I texted him and told him to go to her house after work because she would be getting a letter from me today.  I sent it yesterday with delivery confirmation. With my contact info, a link to my blog and full disclosure. I said let her see you sit through the difficult truth like s man. It may be a start for her toward forgiveness.

He said “she’ll never trust me again. I did this before with her former best friend. ”

Geezus.  And we should all believe that he loves her, right????

Then I said, “what’s the big deal. You’ve both been cheating on each other”.

He said, get this, “that’s another lie. She never cheated on me. She never got married. ”

Omg!!  What would be the purpose of that lie, when we first met. Even before we met????  I’m sure the kitchen was a lie too. Like I gave a flying fuck why he and his ex gf broke up. Ever. But especially in the beginning.

I said, I’m going to call her at her work and tell her about  the letter. And then I’m done.

Which I did. Poor woman. I introduced my self as Debbie, Scott’s other woman. And I apologized for the whole situation, and said had I known I would have been gone.” I told her Isent the letter, she would get it today. And I wanted to make sure she knew about it so Scott didn’t take it out of her mailbox.

Poor woman hung up.  I feel so bad for her.

I texted him the following text:

I’m out. Done. Deal with it yourself from here on out. I will talk to her but you are dead to me.

And that’s that. I will never speak to that man again. My head is spinning. It is inconceivable to me. Lies and lies and lies. More shit in my face. Later I will write a blog apologizing for all he nasty stuff I wrote about her.  He may come after me, fool that he is. As if his web of lies is my fault.
Done done done.  Gonna catch my breath and never look back.

It Wasn’t Revenge

He thinks it was revenge.  Revenge for breaking my heart.  Does he not know that a broken heart stems from love?  Does he not know me at all after all this time?

He said he will never forgive me. I said “why would I care if you forgave me?”

It us only important whether or not I could have forgiven myself for standing by, watching, an not doing anything to prevent any more heartache. 

It was for her.  It was because I saw someone getting the crap beat out of them every day, by a lie they were unaware of that was growing daily.  How do you stand by, when you see someone getting set up for the kill, against their own wishes, and do nothing?

It was for her Scott.  It wasn’t about you.

You devastate me, and then wouldn’t let me go.

As the weeks went on, I saw what you were doing to her.  You were still telling me you didn’t want a loving relationship. She obviously thought she was in one.  She had no idea, none, that daily you were laughing inside, as you tried to get me to see you Sundays, Wednesdays.  And if it wasn’t me, because it wasn’t, soon enough it would have been Samantha, or someone. Because you don’t know why you can’t have whoever you want whenever you want.

Your dream, to have a different woman every night of the week.  Your fantasy.

Her fantasy and mine, to have a man who loved them, and was faithful to them, and building something that bordered on miraculous.

It was for her.  I couldn’t stand by and watch you play with someone else the way you did with me.  I couldn’t watch as you set someone else up for a fatal blow at a time of your choosing.  You know I cannot remain silent, and watch someone get hurt. If you don’t know that about me, it’s because you didn’t pay any attention, you just took what you could from me.

I told you, if you want to be loved, then be lovable. Your actions are not separate from the person that you are, they are a physical manifestation of who you are.

Who you are, right now, is not lovable, because you used two women for your own purposes, oblivious to the pain you would cause.  I told you to stop acting wounded.  You have no idea what a wound is.  You didn’t love either one of us.  You are incapable of loving someone.  You are only capable of stealing from them, to bolster the empty hole that is your heart.  Stealing their pure love, their energy, their lives, so that you can believe you are valuable because these two women love you.

I have told you 100 times, I saw your soul.  Maybe 1000.  You know it was true, you know I knew things about you I shouldn’t have known because you didn’t tell me.  I told you your value is within.  Find it.  Take this time and find it.  Stop leaching off of me and her.

It doesn’t matter what happened to you when you were a child.  It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday.

It matters what you choose to do today.

Try loving yourself, enough to acknowledge who you have been, and to try to be the person you want to be.  The person you think you are when one of us took you to our bed and adored you.

We deserved to be adored back.

It was for her.  It was never about you.  You and only you are responsible for your life.

Total Destruction

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.”
– Cassandra Clare, “Clockwork Prince”

Yesterday at work, my good friend who was on vacation last week asked to see a picture of the Boop.  So I found it on FB and showed her.  I happened to see that her place of work had a FB page, and I idly clicked on it, with no intent.  At least no conscious intent.  Probably a directive of the universe.  I do think I have been trying to fill the holes in the story of the end of my relationship with S, because it just didn’t fit together with what I knew

The company FB page had pictures of it’s company party from last summer.  August 9. There were two pictures of S there with the Boop.

When, as far as I knew, he was still with me, or by himself.  I may have even seen him that Saturday, overnight, before he went.  I saw him in August, once or twice, but would have to look back at my blogs to see when.

I was furious.  My belief that he was with her all summer, and it was why I rarely saw him, was confirmed.  He lied to me on such a grand scale, it’s beyond anything I could conceive of a human being doing.  I began to text him furiously, and finally said, you better get your ass over to her house and tell her before I do.

This was not meant to hurt either of them.  It was meant to let her know who she was dealing with, instead of living in the lie that he had told her,  that she was the only one for 6 months.  It was to make him finally accountable.  And mostly, because if someone could have called me and told me what was going on all summer, I would have been glad to know, and walked away from him.  All he had to do was to let me go when I wanted to and he’d be home free.

He left me a voice mail while I was at work.  He asked why I was doing this.  I texted him back.  “Because you deserve it.  Because I can only take so much and you have reached the limit.”

When I got to the car after work, I called him screaming at him, “You better be on your way to her house, because I’m calling her when I get home.  Who do you think you are, to be fucking two women and not letting either of them know the other exists???”

When I got home, I called him and asked if he was going.  It was about 6:45.    He answered dully that he was.  I wasn’t sure if I should call her or not.  I knew it would be easier for her to hear it from him than me.  But I didn’t, don’t trust that he actually did it.  I have her phone number, I still almost called her.  Her number is still on the dial pad of my phone.

He texted me back at 7:02 and told me she ended it with  him, and ranted at me.  Looking at that time table, I don’t believe he did it.  I think she is still in the dark.  It seems that conversation would have taken longer.  In fact, I am sure he did not.  He was going to tell her at 6:45, and telling me it was over by text at 7:02.  He continued to send me hateful texts for the next 20 minutes.  More than one word texts.  I was answering them. He lives a half hour away from her.  It is not possible that he typed and read my texts while driving that half hour in the dark.

More lies.  Unbelievable.

So, anyway….

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so angry.  I was not hurt, I have lived through so many lies, such deception, such betrayal, with him, I am numb to any more pain.

But I hate a liar, more than anything in this world.  That he was lying to her I hated.  That he lied to me all summer, knowing how I felt, and knowing what he was doing, pulling me back to him, when all the time he was seeing her was just deception and betrayal that I couldn’t stomach.  Literally.

Why should he get out of the betrayal of me and her unscathed?  I mean, just the day before he wanted to know if there was anything we could maybe do to repair our relationship because he  “missed me a lot. Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”  I am just so sick of getting bullshitted by him.  I am so sick of thinking I’ve heard it all and having  another handful of shit thrown in my face.

I stopped responding to his juvenile texts and voicemails.  I won’t.  But I may proceed with another idea I have because I don’t believe a word he says to me, and don’t believe he talked to her.  I think he was acting and still trying to keep her in the dark.

He actually said to me “I was trying to atone. ”  I laughed, out loud.  ATONE??? By telling me two days ago you may have made a mistake? OMG, he is delusional.  Or has no command of the English language.  ATONE?

At least he made me laugh.

Hey S, atoning would have been to come clean with both of us, and apologize and try to change into a person that someone wanted to have around.  Someone who could be accountable, own their own story, apologize when they fuck up, and not do it again.  It does not mean that you keep building layer upon layer of lies and deception.

I mean really.  Why would he even say that?  It is so far from anything he has done, ever.

He threatened me that he would send my intimate pics to people I work with, or my family.  I said, go ahead.  They will just know what a loser you are, what an asshole.  You think most people don’t do that for fun when they are in an intense relationship.  No one cares.  I haven’t done anything that I’m ashamed of.  I was reminded when he sent me a pic of BB in the jacuzzi, her breasts exposed, trying to make me jealous.  I deleted it and told him off for sending it.

He texted me that he was surprised I had not posted a victory blog last night.  Victory????  Seriously, that’s how he sees it?  As if I won something?  OMG, does he really not know what I have LOST?  Does he think that I am happy to find out what he did?  He thinks I am out for vengeance.   He’s just a stupid stupid man, who can’t be accountable for anything he does.  He made his bed and he’s finding out that he used bullshit for sheets and is not happy with it. Now that all the pieces fit together for me, I am totally able to let go, cut the cords, and walk, no, run, away.   I have the answers I needed to make a clean break.

If I never speak to him again it will be too soon.  If I never hear his name.  He wished me a slow death all alone last night.  I laughed, because he, like my ex, has crafted a life in which he will be alone, and that’s how he’ll die.  I have family, friends, and a new lover will be in my life.  My life is blessed.

Like I said the other day there would be no good ending to this.  I knew it then, and it’s what came to pass.

Won’t be writing much about him any more.  I am out of love, out of interest, I am walking away at light speed.  The thought of him, and how much I loved him makes me sick to my stomach.  For anyone to treat someone’s love as anything but a gift is unconscionable.  Funny, that’s what the Supreme Court called my ex 9 times in their decision.  S makes my ex look like an amateur.  I want this chapter of my life relegated to “stupid mistakes I made that I learned a great lesson from.”

Total destruction is all he leaves in his wake.






I realized last night, after I wrote my “angry, vicious” blog, that I don’t even know him any more.  That the man I fell in love with has disappeared.  That man knew who he was, and was the same no matter who he was talking to. He would never have tried to make someone believe he was something different than who he was.

But for her he’s morphed into this quiet kind of ordinary man.  Not the flirty, very sexual, fun man I know.  I can’t stand two faced people, who behave one way with one person and another way with someone else.  Trust me, the woman Jim knows, and A, is the same woman S knew.  I will speak my truth and let everyone know who I am, although now I will speak it more slowly now.  I would never have a relationship with one man where I was flirty and communicative, and spoke directly, and embraced my sexuality and have a silent, reserved relationship with someone else.  How do I know he’s like this with her?  Because they don’t talk all week.  There is no relationship except one day a week.  So he can be whoever he wants all week, and one day a week, he convinces himself he’s what she wants him to be. She will never know that he talked to me, with lust in his heart, all day yesterday.

Way too many games necessary to do that.  Way too much drama necessary.  Way too many lies that have to be kept secret.  So manipulative.

And no way to ever really connect with anyone.  It’s a good way to stay alone, if that’s what you want.

I don’t.  And I don’t like people who won’t speak their truth with me. Or, will speak it with me, but let me watch them pretend to be different with someone else.

So I guess, there was a reason I needed to talk to him yesterday.  I guess I needed more clarity that he really is able to shape-shift into someone that I never knew, for someone else.

Who has the real guy?  I am gonna say I do.  Because I know…about her, about how she and he really are, about how he changes his personality to be with her.  Because I know his secrets, because I never asked him to be someone else to be with me.  I was always the one who knew.  He didn’t have to manipulate me to win me. He once said, “There’s no challenge with you….”  No.  there’s not.  If you want a challenge, which is just a game, go fuck someone else. If you want a connection, I’m your girl.

I do not want a shape-shifting man.  If he thinks he’s not good enough as he is to tell me his truth, then he better find another woman, one who likes the games.  One who lives the same way, and reinvents themselves for every person they meet.

I said to him last night, Why don’t you become 3 men?  Maybe 10?  Why don’t you ask her if it’s ok if you’re with one person on Tuesday and her on the weekend?  Do you think she’d like that concept?  I said, do you think it would be ok with her that you talked about having sex with me yesterday all day?  Hmmmm, I doubt it.

So yeah, it was painful for me and stupid, but boy do I have clarity now.  For the first time in 18 months, he’s not someone I want.  It’s creepy to me, it’s so manipulative.

He tried to break up with me last January or February, before he screwed the prison whore.  He came to my house, we sat on my bed, he looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.  He held me why I cried, he comforted me.  He allowed me to feel that I had value in his life.,

This time, 8 months later,  I got a text, telling me he was going to be with her, and he was busy and didn’t want to talk about it.  And only talked about it when I told him I was coming to his house if he didn’t.

Who the hell was this new guy?  It’s taken me 3 weeks to gain clarity.  He’s a pussy-whipped weak man, who would devastate someone who has been a good friend to him, who he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, loved him completely.  Why?  Because she had no idea of the intensity of our relationship, if he told her he was coming up here to tell me face to face he would have had to explain.  Or lie.  LOL. Lying seems to be his current choice.  But the man who looked me in the eye last winter and said, he didn’t want to hurt me and he needed to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship, never would have.  That man could have the hard conversations.

Now he will say and do whatever he feels, and manipulate her into thinking he’s someone he’s not.  It’s creepy.  It’s creepy for me, that I loved, yes past tense, someone like this.  I run from people like this, I look them in the eye and tell them to leave me alone.  I want nothing to do with them.

There is always a lesson from the pain.  I needed to do this yesterday, to have absolute clarity.

Now I can go out to dinner with Jim tomorrow night with a much more free heart.  A much more healed heart, open heart.  Jim wants to take me to Point Judith (a fishing village in Rhode Island) to a place he loves to get lobsters, sometime.  I was a little unsure, because it would be spending most of the day together, it’s about 2 hours from here, but I’m not now. I look forward to the drive, to being with him for the day.  To the lobsters.  I know who he is, so far.  So far he has been willing to be vulnerable to me, I have not felt an inkling of manipulation on his part.  Nor have I manipulated him.  I told him about S.  He knows what he’s getting, he doesn’t know me well, but enough to trust me.

A….well, A and I had a nice conversation yesterday.  S said he hoped he and I could have a relationship like that.  Not while he’s willing to shape-shift to impress someone, and in the process  carelessly and yes, viciously, hurt the people that love him.  A is the same with me as always, and with everyone he knows.  I met his son, his step son, his friends, he included me in his life because everyone knows the same man, there is no pressure.  Jim is the same way.

S didn’t want me to know anyone. And now I see, it’s because he has a different personna for each person.  He wouldn’t know who to be if I was in the same room with say, his daughter, or one of his few friends.  Being a phony is a lot of pressure.  Which is why he has only a few friends, because no one knows the same man.

Wow.  I get it.  I may be slow, but I get it.  Onward, with men who know and like who they are, and don’t shape-shift trying to get everyone to like them.

Add on:  After doing my morning meditation, I realize he does the best he can, that the shape-shifting is a strategy he developed to deal with what has happened to him in  his life.  It doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does allow forgiveness, and release of my anger.  I let him go with love again, but this time, knowing what I am letting go with much more clarity.  I hope he can find a way, before he leaves this life, to be true to himself.


As the morning wears on, I am asking myself why I am even grieving the loss of this relationship?  I mean, seriously?  This man in unscrupulous, he told me he was bad, but by all that is holy, I never believed anyone could do this to anyone else.  It’s monstrous.  What is there to grieve?  Betty Boop did me a HUGE favor, showing up on the scene, needing to use him for something else.  HUGE.

Thank you Betty Boop.

For two days of pain, I will save a lifetime of any more pain from this man.  There will be no more chances to “take another little piece of my heart, now baby.”  Imagine if this had gone on, if she had wanted to stay married to her “revenge” husband, and he had visited me in Florida?  What terror might he have visited on me then?  And between now and then?

Why would any sane person want anything to do with this guy?  You’d have to be as sociopathic as him, and I have no doubt she is, with her history.  She played him one up, she used him better than he used her.  Two complete losers in my book.

God, I got off easy.  With only a little loss of my dignity, and self esteem.  Thank God, he wanted to be on his own this summer, and didn’t use the summer to suck me in deeper.  Thank God.  Everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?

I am disgusted with myself (but I’ll get over it) for ever giving him the time of day, for ever lavishing the love on him that I did.  For ever thinking he was capable of being a decent human being.  But you know…all I did was love him.  I did nothing evil, or mean, or hurtful to him.

Although, I’m sure when he reads this, he will say I’m crucifying him.  Because he only sees what he feels, he is incapable of seeing what another feels, or of seeing and being accountable for the damage he does to innocent people.

Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll get angry enough at me to stop reading my blog.  I wish he would.  Go on about his business with Betty Boop, I’m sure there is an urgent need for him there.  A new car, a divorce that needs paying for.  Of course, first she’ll have to schmooze him, but I give her credit, on being able to do what she did on his birthday in January of last year when he was diagnosed with cancer, after she got a new kitchen out of him.  Well played Betty Boop.  I’m sure he deserved it.  And he’s right back in for more.  You sure are good at it, girl.

When clarity comes, it comes like a hurricane force wind.   So happy to be free.




I blocked him. Finally. No contact is definitely the path I need to follow. I realized on the way to work today that nothing he could say would make me feel any better about the way he broke me, willfully, with premeditation.  Like a monster.  And that anything he had to say would most likely make it worse. 

So I told him that in a text and told him he is blocked . He knows he can leave a voice mail. And I haven’t blocked email, yet.  

But as I have said since the beginning of this nightmare Saturday, there is no way back from this. I would NEVER expose myself to this kind of damage again. EVER. 

It is a huge relief, to have finally come out of the fog of so much pain. I’m not over it yet, the treachery is just so broad. But I made a huge step this morning in letting go, so that I can fully heal. 

Sigh….finally I can get on with the business of healing all my broken pieces. 

Coming Full Circle

My first tears fell last night.  The anger gave way to the cause of it and I broke down sobbing last night.  I woke up doing the same this morning.  Thank God I have the sleeping pills from my carpal tunnel, they afford me 5 or 6 hours of sleep.

I miss him so much, if I think about it for a second, my heart just squeezes and all that pain just pours down my face, just wracking my body.

This morning, I unblocked him and sent him this pathetic text.

“I miss you so much I can’t breathe.  I can’t stop crying.  I’m a mess.  I tried so hard to love you so well and it didn’t matter even one teeny bit.  I unblocked you in case you have a pang of conscience about walking so briskly away from the woman that loved you.”

Because, this ex gf, Betty Boop, I don’t believe she loves him.  I believe she needs something from him, and is using his love for her to get it. I don’t think anyone who leaves a 12 year relationship, runs off an marries a man she doesn’t know, and walks out on the marriage 18 months later, has a clue about herself.  I don’t know her. I don’t need to know her, her actions tell me who she is.and my intuition.

Maybe S likes being so much smarter than her.  Maybe it feeds his ego, to have some sexy dumb woman think he’s smart.  It feeds his ego enough that he doesn’t mind being used by her to take care of all her financial needs.

Damn the connection I have with him.  If I am right they were together last night, and this morning.  I know he’ll go read the text in private, I know he won’t have read any of my blogs until he’s alone.  Maybe he’ll stop reading them altogether.  After all, I suppose he doesn’t really need to know what I’m thinking now.  He’s got her to occupy his mind.  Maybe he’s spending all of the long holiday weekend with her.  Something he would never do with me.

I need to let go.  I forgot how painful this roller coaster is.  Last night I was pretty high, I was not caring, until I got home.  This morning, I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t talk to him. I know it would be so much better if I could just cut off communication, but I just can’t, quite yet.

I still know that I’ll be ok.  I know I’ll get through this.  I know there is someone out there who will love me and what I have to offer.  It is just so hard to think of him with her.  That’s where I get stuck.  I need to do a lot of work around that one thing.  I just can’t stand him being with someone else.

He used to tell me that they never talked during the week.  Sometimes a quick, “are we on for the weekend” message.  I thought that so strange.  He and I talked all the time, texting during the day at work, in the evening, sometimes talking on the phone.  Seems so strange that he loved someone so much that he never talked to.  Just seems…a cold way to have a relationship.

Well, if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants.  I could never want it.  I loved our conversations.  Intimate, flirty, downright sexual, intellectual, spiritual, debates at times  One reason I loved him was his ability to discuss intelligently a huge wide rage of subjects and interject his pretty expansive and varied life experiences to them.  I miss his stories.  I miss how he made me laugh.  I thought he liked it too.  I know he liked what I did for him in bed.

And she shows up, and he just takes her back, and tosses me to the side.  It’s killing me today.  Just killing me.  So much rejection, so suddenly.

I just had a glimmer though, a small one.  I thought how a week ago, he called me dumb because I misunderstood his two word communications when he was in NJ.  How angry it made me.  How unnecessary it was for him to talk to me like that.  I knew it was because he was in a bad mood from his sisters, and taking it out on me.  When I stood up to it, it got worse.  He was swearing at me, because I misunderstood him.  He had forgotten his phone charger altogether, and was trying to save the battery.  He’s always had one in the car, I’m pretty sure, and I just assumed that since he was driving he was able to charge the phone. that he only hadn’t been able to charge it when he was in his sisters house.  I told him he was the stupid one for forgetting the charger, and that he was also an asshole for calling me dumb and everything else he called me.  And later that evening, when I knew he was home and wasn’t contacting me, I sent him an email, telling him that I missed the man I thought he was, but the one that showed up that day, I didn’t want within 100 miles of me.

So the question I’m asking, that’s given me a little glimmer, is….If he were to decide he didn’t want to be with her, and wanted to be with me, do I really want that back in my life?  Because that’s our two week cycle.  I still don’t want to that man, that calls me names, and flashes his anger like a weapon, within 100 miles of me.  I only want the funny one, the one who makes me laugh, the one who tells great stories, and the one who is so physically passionate, though selfish. I can’t have one without the other. And I really don’t want the other.

That answer makes it easier to deal with the fact that he’s with her right now.  Tears have finally stopped.  If I remove Betty Boop from the equation, it is all the same.  He and I can’t work for more that 2 weeks without a blow up.  That book needed to be closed.

God, I have come full circle with this blog.

Writing is so therapeutic.  I couldn’t do this if I couldn’t write and work this stuff out.  I didn’t expect this to go here, but here I am.  My circle may look like the one in the picture, full of twists and turns. It may be convoluted, but I ended up back where I was before Betty Boop showed up.

Going to Clean House

Image result for Getting over a broken heart

I was going to do house cleaning anyway, it’s the first day I have been able to since my surgery.  But I am going to empty it of any vestige of him, there will be nothing around to remind me of him.  Except…you know the furniture.  The places we spent time together, the deck, the family room, the bedroom, the kitchen.  Those memories will have to just fade away.

I have some white sage smudge sticks.  I will set one up in every room we spent time in, and clean the energy.  It will help me to forget him.  It will help my anger.  It will help my hurt.  Thank God I have some knowledge of how to deal with energy.

I will ask a friend to send me reiki.  She helped me after the prison whore, when I thought I was gonna die.  She will help me again this time.  I can do self-reiki too.

I can get productive.  I can make plans with friends for tonight.  Hopefully for tomorrow.  and Monday.  But I’m gonna get my house spotless, clean out my garage, if my hand can take it. Gonna sit out on the deck and try to get into a deep meditation, on releasing the past.  Releasing the pain.

I texted with S a little this morning,  I wanted to know how long…he has only talked to her, and for 3 days.  But he stopped answering me, I was a bit to caustic I guess.  But in the same way I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear my anger and my pain.  And the truth.  He disappeared.  I don’t care.

That was cool to write.   I DON’T CARE.  It just came out of me with real ease.  Without any thought.  I don’t care.

At least not right now.

I’m so glad my son is gone for the weekend.  I’m so glad he will never have to know about this.  He hates S for the amount he’s hurt me.  Just seriously can’t stand him.  My son has seen me get so hurt in his lifetime, he can’t understand why I would continue to see someone who continues to hurt me, and use me for his own benefit.  And the kid is right.  I’m just glad he’s gone.  I won’t ever tell him, S has not been around in weeks, so he will just leave it be and be glad he isn’t around now.

I’m going to be fine.