I realized last night, after I wrote my “angry, vicious” blog, that I don’t even know him any more.  That the man I fell in love with has disappeared.  That man knew who he was, and was the same no matter who he was talking to. He would never have tried to make someone believe he was something different than who he was.

But for her he’s morphed into this quiet kind of ordinary man.  Not the flirty, very sexual, fun man I know.  I can’t stand two faced people, who behave one way with one person and another way with someone else.  Trust me, the woman Jim knows, and A, is the same woman S knew.  I will speak my truth and let everyone know who I am, although now I will speak it more slowly now.  I would never have a relationship with one man where I was flirty and communicative, and spoke directly, and embraced my sexuality and have a silent, reserved relationship with someone else.  How do I know he’s like this with her?  Because they don’t talk all week.  There is no relationship except one day a week.  So he can be whoever he wants all week, and one day a week, he convinces himself he’s what she wants him to be. She will never know that he talked to me, with lust in his heart, all day yesterday.

Way too many games necessary to do that.  Way too much drama necessary.  Way too many lies that have to be kept secret.  So manipulative.

And no way to ever really connect with anyone.  It’s a good way to stay alone, if that’s what you want.

I don’t.  And I don’t like people who won’t speak their truth with me. Or, will speak it with me, but let me watch them pretend to be different with someone else.

So I guess, there was a reason I needed to talk to him yesterday.  I guess I needed more clarity that he really is able to shape-shift into someone that I never knew, for someone else.

Who has the real guy?  I am gonna say I do.  Because I know…about her, about how she and he really are, about how he changes his personality to be with her.  Because I know his secrets, because I never asked him to be someone else to be with me.  I was always the one who knew.  He didn’t have to manipulate me to win me. He once said, “There’s no challenge with you….”  No.  there’s not.  If you want a challenge, which is just a game, go fuck someone else. If you want a connection, I’m your girl.

I do not want a shape-shifting man.  If he thinks he’s not good enough as he is to tell me his truth, then he better find another woman, one who likes the games.  One who lives the same way, and reinvents themselves for every person they meet.

I said to him last night, Why don’t you become 3 men?  Maybe 10?  Why don’t you ask her if it’s ok if you’re with one person on Tuesday and her on the weekend?  Do you think she’d like that concept?  I said, do you think it would be ok with her that you talked about having sex with me yesterday all day?  Hmmmm, I doubt it.

So yeah, it was painful for me and stupid, but boy do I have clarity now.  For the first time in 18 months, he’s not someone I want.  It’s creepy to me, it’s so manipulative.

He tried to break up with me last January or February, before he screwed the prison whore.  He came to my house, we sat on my bed, he looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.  He held me why I cried, he comforted me.  He allowed me to feel that I had value in his life.,

This time, 8 months later,  I got a text, telling me he was going to be with her, and he was busy and didn’t want to talk about it.  And only talked about it when I told him I was coming to his house if he didn’t.

Who the hell was this new guy?  It’s taken me 3 weeks to gain clarity.  He’s a pussy-whipped weak man, who would devastate someone who has been a good friend to him, who he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, loved him completely.  Why?  Because she had no idea of the intensity of our relationship, if he told her he was coming up here to tell me face to face he would have had to explain.  Or lie.  LOL. Lying seems to be his current choice.  But the man who looked me in the eye last winter and said, he didn’t want to hurt me and he needed to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship, never would have.  That man could have the hard conversations.

Now he will say and do whatever he feels, and manipulate her into thinking he’s someone he’s not.  It’s creepy.  It’s creepy for me, that I loved, yes past tense, someone like this.  I run from people like this, I look them in the eye and tell them to leave me alone.  I want nothing to do with them.

There is always a lesson from the pain.  I needed to do this yesterday, to have absolute clarity.

Now I can go out to dinner with Jim tomorrow night with a much more free heart.  A much more healed heart, open heart.  Jim wants to take me to Point Judith (a fishing village in Rhode Island) to a place he loves to get lobsters, sometime.  I was a little unsure, because it would be spending most of the day together, it’s about 2 hours from here, but I’m not now. I look forward to the drive, to being with him for the day.  To the lobsters.  I know who he is, so far.  So far he has been willing to be vulnerable to me, I have not felt an inkling of manipulation on his part.  Nor have I manipulated him.  I told him about S.  He knows what he’s getting, he doesn’t know me well, but enough to trust me.

A….well, A and I had a nice conversation yesterday.  S said he hoped he and I could have a relationship like that.  Not while he’s willing to shape-shift to impress someone, and in the process  carelessly and yes, viciously, hurt the people that love him.  A is the same with me as always, and with everyone he knows.  I met his son, his step son, his friends, he included me in his life because everyone knows the same man, there is no pressure.  Jim is the same way.

S didn’t want me to know anyone. And now I see, it’s because he has a different personna for each person.  He wouldn’t know who to be if I was in the same room with say, his daughter, or one of his few friends.  Being a phony is a lot of pressure.  Which is why he has only a few friends, because no one knows the same man.

Wow.  I get it.  I may be slow, but I get it.  Onward, with men who know and like who they are, and don’t shape-shift trying to get everyone to like them.

Add on:  After doing my morning meditation, I realize he does the best he can, that the shape-shifting is a strategy he developed to deal with what has happened to him in  his life.  It doesn’t mean it’s right, but it does allow forgiveness, and release of my anger.  I let him go with love again, but this time, knowing what I am letting go with much more clarity.  I hope he can find a way, before he leaves this life, to be true to himself.

What the Fuck Is The Matter With Me?

So I did something really stupid, for me.  I texted with him today.  I thought I could handle it.  I was feeling detached, happy, like I could just play with him on the phone and be ok.

God, I’m stupid.  I won’t do it again.  By the end of the day, I realized I was so not over him.  That it KILLS me that he sleeps with her once a week….he swears he wasn’t seeing her before.  Should I believe that?  Idk.  I just don’t know.  It doesn’t matter does it?  I cannot stand it.  The thought of it makes me physically sick.

I told him I can’t.  He called me….he said again, what we have, I don’t have with her, it doesn’t involve anyone else.  I said, it didn’t, it does now, because there’s a 3rd person in the room. Not when he’s with her, she doesn’t even fucking know him.  She knows the person she makes him be to be acceptable.  So he doesn’t have a 3rd person in the room.  He has 2 rooms with 2 people.  As if he’s two men.  There is one room, one bed, one man, and two women.  One woman gets in the bed with him, and has a life with him.  The other one cries a lot. Eventually, she disappears.

I feel sick again now.  It’s back in my sacral chakra.  The one where we carry our creativity and our sexuality.  I am sick.  I hung up the phone and sobbed, my head in my hands for a good 15 minutes.  I am still crying.

What the fuck was I thinking?  Who was I kidding?  Geezus.  What the fuck, Deb?  Am I a glutton for punishment?

He didn’t like me saying I snuggled up with A when I went to say goodbye.  I saw him maybe 4 or 5 times after that.  It was the end of May.  I saw him about once a month for a few hours for the next 4 months, maybe he spent one night, one fucking night, even though we talked constantly.  Why would he even care?  Because he didn’t know?  Well, I didn’t know he was talking to Betty Boop.  I didn’t have any idea he wanted to be with her til he told me he was going to be, and he was too busy and didn’t want to talk about it.

He told me I can be vicious with my temper.  Ok, I own that.  I can be.  I use my anger to deal with intense pain.  He can be vicious for absolutely no reason, just because he can be.  He can shove me in the dirt and watch me gasp for air and tell me I’m a bitch because I need air. Because I didn’t see it coming.

Because I loved him so much, and I shouldn’t have, it was stupid of me, and worthy of being treated like a dog. After all, he told me he didn’t want a relationship….except it wasn’t true.  He did, does, want a relationship, with her, just not with me.

Stupid stupid stupid woman I am.

Please God, let the pain make me stronger. Strong enough to know that talking to him will only make me want him.  Strong enough to know better.

Wish I could just run the fuck away.  I wish I didn’t own my home, that I could just move out and run.  I wish my head would stop aching and my heart and my stomach.

I’ve still let go, I hadn’t changed that when I talked to him. But I thought I could just talk to him.  Nothing will ever make this ok.  I just have to get through it, and forget about it.  I wish I could hate him.

It’s myself, really, that I’m mad at.  I won’t ever do it again.  I won’t ever stay with someone who doesn’t want me the way I want him.  I won’t ever tell anyone I love them unless I know they love me too.  I won’t ever give my heart away to someone who doesn’t give me theirs.

I was an idiot.  I set myself up for complete and utter devastation and that’s what I got.  Even though I tried all summer, at least 4 times, to leave him, he sucked me back in.  But he’s not vicious.  No, not at all.  To suck me in for his own ego, and then discard me like yesterday’s trash for a trashy woman. And he didn’t need to be angry to be vicious.  He just needed to feed his ego and get what he wanted at all costs and with the least amount of effort.

Learn, Deb, learn.  And leave him alone.  And if you don’t like this, S, don’t effing read it. I’m the only one who knows who the fuck you are.  THIS is my vicious anger.  Masking my vicious pain.  OMG, I’m so effing vicious.  I wrote a blog, telling the truth.