Category Archives: Anger

Some Personal Thoughts on Surrender and Non-Judgment

Posted on by learning to live like water

Making choices and decisions that are consistent with who we are striving to be is not always easy. Setting those boundaries is not so hard. Holding them can be hard. Not sliding into past behaviors can be hard. Not looking backward can be hard.

It’s important though, that we don’t beat ourselves up for any of it. Just acknowledging it is good, beause it makes you aware of your behavior and the nature of it, and where it comes from. I know for me, hypervigilance is something that I backslide into easily. I didn’t really realize or comprehend that I still do it, until I moved to Florida and my life left that hectic pace of full-time work and keeping a house and family. Now I am able to reflect on my actions more, and in a more relaxed atmosphere. Someone said to me the other day that hypervigilance is very defensive. I never thought of it like that, but I guess that is true. It’s like pre-emptive defense. Trying to figure out what’s going to happen so you don’t find yourself blindsided and face down in the dirt. I think anyone who has been in and gotten out of an abusive relationship probably suffers from hypervigilance. And a good bit of PTSD.

One reason I like the Veterans Art Center so much is that instead of drugging people, and telling them to “get over it”, they encourage vets to look at their experiences and create from them. Some of the art can be scary, as they exorcise the demons in their heads. With some artists, you can see the progression from the dark, battle images, to beauty as they are able to let go of some of the bad memories by putting them on the canvas.

That’s what writing did for me. Whether it was journaling, or blogging, or writing poetry, I’ve been able to put it on the page, and let go of the anger and fear and pain. Not saying I’m done yet, but compared to the early days when I left my marriage, and didn’t have a clue who I was. My son provided the motivation, to make a huge change, but how that was going to happen I hadn’t a clue. I basically had to surrender it to the universe.

Now, when faced with a dilemma I can’t solve, and when I recognize that I’m trying to control the outcome, I am much more able (though not all the time) to take a deep breath and allow things to unfold as they will, and accept them as they are. I guess I should add that trying to be non-judgmental is a huge part of healing. Non-judgmental of those who hurt me, and non-judgmental of myself, which is even harder. It has helped me to believe that most people are doing the best they can, from the state of their consciousness at the time. Looking backward without pain and anger can be hard, but when you can take that step across the threshold into creating a better future, it gets easier.

Which, getting back to the beginning of this post, surrender and non-judgement are really part and parcel of becoming the person I aspire to be. It’s a work in progress, for sure.

A lot of stuff rolling around my somewhat hung-over (from my writers group meeting yesterday) mind this morning. Not meaning to preach, lol, just working things out for myself.

Love and light…..

Pizza, and Other Tidbits

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m sure some of you have iPhones. The newer ones, and maybe even older ones, now will translate a voice mail into text. It can get pretty funny as all voice to text can, although I will say it’s surprisingly accurate at most times.

Anyway, I got an angry voice mail yesterday, from the nameless one. I have had a few voicemails from him in the last few days, all saying he just wanted to talk to me, he wasn’t angry, etc. Instead of calling him, which would only lead to an angry exchange, (because I was still angry, even if he wasn’t, at the audacious things he said and the lies) I sent him an email asking him to just let it go, and also told him and posted on here that I was seeing L last night. The voicemail that I received after that went from “please call me.” to calling me a “piece of shit” for ruining his relationship with B. (I did email him and ask him to consider that it was the lies he told both of us that did him in with her, particularly telling me that he was not “with” her, that they were just friends who had coffee together occasionally. Seriously, he’s out shopping for women, and I’m the cause of his demise? Hmmm. I think not. Narcissist….)

The iPhone however, didn’t comprehend “piece of shit” and changed it into his calling me a “pizza”. It really made me laugh. Pizza. Don’t think I’ve ever been called pizza before! LOL. Really took that anger and kind of made me laugh at it.

So ends the last act in that ridiculous drama. Pizza. With pepperoni, please….

My dinner with L was wonderful. He’s going to cook for me early next week. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. Respectful, and kind, and and funny, and a little shy, which is very endearing on a big, good-looking, football player type! Can’t wait to see him again.

I thought my cough was gone, since I didn’t cough all day yesterday. Until he got here, and kept making me laugh, deep belly laughs that made me cough….I was a little embarrassed! But it didn’t seem to put a damper on us, so that was good.

Early next week is a good time to see him again, because I will be very busy with the grand opening for the Veterans Art Center for the next few days. I think the actual event will be a lot of fun. I’m hoping that a lot of vets artwork is sold and that they make a lot of money, as well as the center raises a lot. It’s such a wonderful project. Today I’ll go over and help my bestie who’s the curator to get all the galleries organized. She said we’ve gotten in 100’s of pieces of amazing artwork for it.

And I have open mic tonight.  Won’t be home too much today!

Exciting things happening here. The shift I felt a week or so ago is well underway, and life is amazing. Love and light, everyone.

My Pot Boileth Over

Posted on by learning to live like water

Do you ever have so much to say, and know you should just keep your mouth shut, so you don’t start WWIII?? That’s me, right now. All day. I’ve been a simmering pot, which is on the verge of boiling over. So I’m here, letting off a little more steam, trying to keep the mess to a minimum as I deal with a whole bunch of crap.

I have so much I’d like to say about the lie and the liar who told it to me last night. Unwittingly, because the liar forgot that lie had already been told to me once, and tried to lie about it again. Like, really? Didn’t that happen oh, 18 months ago? No?????? Oh well, you said it did. You actually confirmed it on two separate occasions. And now, you have lied so much to so many people, you can’t remember that you already used that one on me. So which one was a lie? I think the 18 months ago… Not the one last night.

There is smoke fuming out of my nose. And my ears, and my mouth and my eyes. There is a volcano bubbling up and I’m gonna have to find some external method to stop it from bubbling over. Anger is slow to rise with me, then it sets on fire, then it subsides, all pretty quickly. Usually. In this case, it may take awhile.

Maybe because before the lie, earlier in the day, I’d been informed there was a shopping spree on, and I might get chosen for a test ride, mabye even purchased, like what a cool thing that would be!! Wouldn’t anyone love to think of themselves as a product on a shelf for someone else’s enjoyment? As if I was lucky enough to be in the running for the final choice? Yeah…..I was already pretty pissed off about that. Really really pissed off.

Some people are just depraved. Really. I turned a blind eye to it, made excuses for it, for way way too long. But really, how can I continue being deaf, dumb and blind to that kind of sickness when it creeps into my life over and over, in different disguises but the delivery person is always the same one? I can’t, I just can’t. I have to sweep it from my life, from my psyche for one last time. I have no words left to describe what I think of an individual who can actually do and think this kind of stuff, and actually justify it in their sick head. I think it will be easy this time, to keep the house of my psyche clean, as soon as my anger subsides. Writing this out helped.

Yep, Mercury is Still in Retrograde and the Crazies Are Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

Boy, it must be my day. Is Mercury still in regrograde? Let me go look. Yes, for 2 more days.

I got a message from a guy in whom I would never have any interest. Short, chubby, no hair, lol. Not that I’m really that shallow, but also his profile says conservative. Here’s his message:

“Sorry, but I don’t date liberals, even pretty ones like you.” ????? My response, “That’s fine with me, I don’t date conservatives of any type. I didn’t realize I’d given you the impression I was interested.” Because I had never talked to him or seen him before I got that arrogant message. When he got it he blocked me. WTF?  I mean, good, really.  Because then he can’t see my profile again.

Then, I get a flirt, which is just an automated thing saying I’m interested in you, from this extremely handsome, well built ex-military guy, who has two pics up and one is in full camo, with his automatic weapon at the ready. Again…not my type. But since he was not obnoxious I was not either. My response was: “Thanks for the flirt! Always a pleasure to receive from such a good-lookin’ man. But….I’m very liberal. And I think that would make a relationship hard. Then again, if you completed your profile, and I had a sense of who you were, who knows. Have a nice day!” Because the conservative part only showed up in his stats, there was no essay about himself. But I thought it was a thoughtful, kind, and real response.

I just got a message back from him. “I would NEVER get along with a very liberal person, would not be able to understand your thinking process….most liberals are hypocrites….not saying you are, but 95% are.” Ok, that was totally inappropriate as a response to my measured and real, but not unpleasant answer to him. In fact, he pissed me off, as most conservatives do. So here’s what I answered back: “Well, I think most conservatives are self serving power hungry egomaniacs out for themselves and don’t give a damn about the people who are really in need. Not saying you are, but most of the ones I’ve met are. Have a good life.” Maybe he’ll block me too. LOL.

So what is up with this? My profile says I’m liberal, so leave it the fuck alone of you hate liberals so much. Pretty simple, I just skip over them if they say conservative. These days it’s a big deal. Why would some dude just send me that first message, especially when it was the first contact ever? And why did the 2nd guy get so angry when I simply pointed out a difference between us that most likely could not be overcome?

This is what scares me. Really. That this country is so polarized that people take offense and feel the need to tell off anyone of a different mind than them. So much hate and anger, and it’s mostly from the people who won the election. Maybe it’s because the Cheeto man is proving every day how he manipulated their vote, how he’s not keeping a single campaign promise, how he’s out for their pockets…. Like the FB meme says, “Oh this is the face you make when you realize that Obama wasn’t coming for your guns, but Trump is coming after your Social Security and Medicare.”

I keep saying Trump is a sociopath, and I think a lot of his electorate is as well. They cannot stand to be wrong. They will lie, and then tell another to cover it up. Lying is pathological with them. I was married to one, I totally understand the personality type. I did nothing for 5 years but try to understand how I got myself into such a fix with him. And trust me, I get it now. But man,

I’m inclined to use Juan’s closing line, This too will pass, but I’m totally afraid it won’t. So I’ll stick to wishing everyone love and light.

Love and light, everyone….

A Little Obsessing as I Put the Chaos Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

I felt a little guilty over the vitriolic email I sent Scott, lacing into him for sharing our personal stuff with someone else, and for trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t write about.  I was so furious.  He can engender such anger in me, it frightens me that I can still get that mad at him.  It’s not who I want to be.  The truth was in there, but there was so much anger that it was difficult to decipher the actual message.

I’m not sure why he thinks if he takes from me, or now demeans and /or denies the  relationship that gave him much pleasure for 18 months, will somehow in her mind, undo the fact that he betrayed her.  He betrayed us both on a grand scale.  When he was with me in January, he blamed her.  And when she became so jealous that I was with him, he blamed me.

He did, to his credit, blame himself mostly.  But he tried to spread it around, so that we too were culpable in his mind, so that he didn’t have to bear the whole burden.  We were not.  My ex used to do that.  Every problem he had, he had to pretend I had it too.  I was conditioned for a long time to accept blame for something I didn’t do, just to keep the peace.  Taking years after my divorce to search my soul, I don’t and won’t do that anymore.  What Scott did to us, is all on Scott.  The fact that he ran to my bed when she left him….he can own that too.  I still loved  him, missed him, wanted him, but he ran to my bed, when he had the opportunity.  Not me to his.  I ended up there, but I didn’t initiate our reunion.  When he came to see me 12 hours after my mother died, I looked at him and said, “Do you want to sit on the couch and talk?  Or lay down and talk.”  He thought for a moment…And said, “lay down….”  Everything was easier for us there.  Talking, connecting, being.  I wasn’t going to undress, but he asked me to….I was distraught, over my mother, I just trusted him to do what would help me get through the day.  He had come, he said, to keep me company, to keep me from being alone.   I did as he requested, and soon, we were into our old rhythm, our old patterns.  It was all still there, after having been buried for 3 months.  The connection, the attraction, was just as strong as ever.

When she found out, to satisfy her jealous nature, he had to take from me, from us, from what we had.  She couldn’t allow it to just be over, and see if she and he had anything left.  She demands that he recreate himself in her image, the one that satisfies her huge ego, her possessiveness.  The one that wants him to have had no one ever but her in his life.

Well….he did.  He had me, and try as she might, and as much as she can get him to deny me, she can’t take from me what was real.  Nor can he.  It is over, but it was what it was, and it was something lovely, caring, passionate…..  No matter how the two of them try to re-write the story for their own selfish motives, it remains in the universe as it was.

I suppose a lot of her insecurity comes from the fact that he was still married to his second wife when he started seeing her, 15 or 16 years ago.  He told me that went on for about 5 years.  Eventually, his wife knew, and he and his wife stayed together still for a time, a couple years I think he said, for convenience sake, for their kids.   But for Betty, knowing he was willing to cheat on his wife, and then wanted to still live with his wife while he was supposedly with her?  She has or had to be very insecure, knowing what he was capable of.  And obviously, he is still capable of it. All that time, and he was living with his now ex-wife.  That is so f’d up, I can’t even begin to fathom it, nor do I want to.

I’m ok with it all.  Every minute it is all part of my past, and I am evolving into a new, wiser, smarter woman.  I don’t think he can anger me like that again, because I see it for what it is.  I see that the past week was a just more of the same dysfunction that has become his norm since she reappeared in his life, something that her extreme jealousy and possessiveness require of him.  I don’t have any idea if they are together, my intuition says not, but who knows, I’ve been wrong before. I think if they are not, he is still trying to do what she requires to accept him.  He mistakes her jealousy and possessiveness for love, they are the opposite of love, they are fear.  She mistakes his denial of me as more for her.  She thinks that the less he cares for me, the more he cares for her.

I used to say to him, I don’t want what you had with her.  I want my own account with you, filled with our specialness, our memories, our intimacies.  What you had with her has nothing to do with what we have together. Keep what you had with her, lets see what we can build that’s ours.

To me, that’s love.  And we had it…the fact that he now denies it, doesn’t make it less so.

So, here I am, winding it up again, and hoping I don’t have to do this again.  Trying to take the chaos of last week, the negativity and the raw emotion,  and put it back in order, find the places where it fits, put it away, and move on.

I would have liked to remain friends with him…and at first that’s what we did.  But then, it wasn’t enough for her, and soon he was denying me and us again, and he devastated us on even the level of friendship.  It’s too bad….that he can’t have even a friend who loves him.

I’ll be closing on my Florida house soon, I’ll be putting the one here on Zillow soon.  I’ll be spending pretty much 100% of my time on that.  I don’t have time to deal with this childish, adolescent dysfunction any longer.  Soon I’ll be 1500 miles away, in a new life, making new friends, living my dream, and I have no doubt that all the dreams I have had are going to manifest.

I wish no ill on either of them.  They are good enough, without my help, at dragging themselves down. My energy is on my future life, on ending this one correctly.

I’ll always love the man he was when I fell in love with him.  And will always think of that man fondly.

But now….the past is past, and the future is looking bright.  Onward….forward motion.

Love and light.

 

 

Wednesday

Posted on by learning to live like water

God, I was so angry for a good part of the day over him showing her my writing.  Talk about a delayed reaction. I guess if I tried to react all at once from the BS that came from both sides of that equation all at once, I’d be pulling my hair out.   I wrote a scathing blog and saved it in draft.  Right now, I don’t think I’ll publish it, because…to what end?  They’re both low-life fuck-ups, and I just want them out of my life.  I vented it, it’s all I needed to do. I just wish stuff like this would stop popping up.  I will be so glad to be leaving these two in the cold and dark.

I don’t even know if they’re together.   Don’t care.  They are both blocked, on the phone, on email, on FB, and will remain that way.  I can’t stop him from leaving me a voice mail, but I don’t have to listen to it, or respond.  So far he hasn’t tried.

I’m meeting Alec for lunch tomorrow.  He is a retired CPA who ran his own practice with 25 employees and did a lot of forensic accounting for family court.  He called me tonight, to say hi, and to tell me he’d looked up my divorce records, he hoped I didn’t mind.  He said, “Boy you REALLY went through a lot.  You really did .”  I said, “yes, I always take the cake for the ugliest divorce among anyone I know who’s been through it.”  He hemmed and hawed a moment, and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”  He knows my atty, has worked with her a lot and likes her.

It did kind of creep me out that he looked it up.  I guess he found out I told him the truth.  I hadn’t expected to hear from him tonight.  But it was nice, to have someone just want to hear my voice.  And acknowledge what I went through.  I suppose, being the left-brained analytical type, that he wanted to see if I was just sour grapes or real.  He found out I was real.  He found out I can stand in my story.  He found out just how hard I got knocked down, and sees that I got back up.

And he doesn’t know about Scott, yet.  Not sure I’ll tell him.

I don’t feel a really close connection though. I’m so frigging right-brained.  I’m afraid he’s gonna be like Addison and fall crazy in love.  I hope not.  I just want a friend.  No romantic entanglements.

I took my son out to eat tonight.  Vietnamese.  He loves Pho, the soup.  It’s a really nice place, one of our favorites.  It was good to catch up with him.

I’m falling asleep.  I better wrap it up and go to bed.

Love and light.

Reminiscing

Posted on by learning to live like water

memories

I’ve been talking to a friend, who is on a path exactly like the one I was on with Scott in January.  Together not as long, but long enough to be crazy in love, and then having it ended cruelly, by him.  Then after months of no contact, seeing him again, and having him start up as if it never stopped, and then, once again walking away with no notice.

I’m just so glad my experience can help her.  She knows that I made it through, that it triggered in me at the time, all the same emotions triggered in her.  My story went on for a few weeks.  Those weeks gave me clarity on who S was when he chose to deny me because our relationship hurt B.  And because I had gone into it with no expectation, no desire for a long term relationship, it was easy to let go, and be done.  If he hadn’t then denied me to B, and if B hadn’t made it clear to me that he was lying to her about me, yet again, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved again.  Add to that her arrogance in thinking that she knew what I was wanting, or that she knew what he felt.  Assuming that our relationship deteriorated into something ugly.  Our relationship was fine, it’s just that there was a third person involved and I didn’t know it, HER. That’s why it deteriorated, because he was a liar and a cheat, to both she and I. Does she think he told her the truth?  Or that he does now?  That’s a laugh, really.  He can’t discern the truth from the crap he makes up, he never has been able to.  He fails the trust test, every single time.  Maybe it’s a game they play together, who knows?  Who cares?  It’s not one I want to play though, that’s for sure.

Anyway, talking to my friend, trying to help her clear her head, kind of made me remember how it felt.  I am so grateful not to have any of those emotions now.  I am so glad to be past that, to leave that relationship behind me.  It entices me not at all any more.

I have been thinking I don’t even know if I ever want another relationship.  Men have been the bane of my existence.  One was a control freak extraordinaire, unbelievably abusive.  The other was deceptive, a liar and a cheat extraordinaire.  The ex, the first one, inspired more anger and frustration, than I can even express.  The second, more pain than I can express.

Not sure I want to risk round 3.  But maybe there’s someone special out there, someone who just wants to love, like I do.  Who just wants to enjoy life, and enjoy me, and let me enjoy him.  I will be careful, before I give anyone that much trust, that’s for sure.  These narcissists, and sociopaths are so good at the game, at fooling us who have no ill intent, who don’t need it for an ego boost, but just want the pleasure of someone’s company and attention.  Who just want a relationship that evolves us into a better person, and adds to our life, instead of filling it with darkness.

I guess that’s why Florida looks so good to me. It is full of light, and happy people, really.  I didn’t run into anyone who didn’t have a smile, and a positive attitude. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the ocean, lol.

I’m going to the light, that’s for sure.  Away from the darkness that drives people down, and consumes them with false promises and false projections of who they are.  It’s easy to even fool yourself in the darkness.  Give me light any day.

Love and light, everyone.

 

Sacred Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 5 am this morning, listening to the peacocks behind the house with their loud cawing. It was first I’d heard them, and I smiled, knowing “I’m in Florida now for sure.” Not that there are peacocks everywhere in Florida, but they seem to flourish in this old historic neighborhood.

I had plenty of time to get to the town dock for the sunrise. There were 5 or 6 of us this morning, and it didn’t disappoint. The sky was glowing pink when I left my house for the 3 minute walk to the dock. It was breathtaking. I got a couple of shots.

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Then as it came up over the horizon, due to the cloud cover it was a perfect, well-defined golden orb, not unlike a full moon.

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It felt like a sacred experience, for a few moments. I thought about how every incident in my life brought me to this place at this time. I’m grateful for it all. Even the last few days, as unpleasant as they were, gave me clarity, and definition. About what I want, what I want to attract into my life, and what I want to let go of and never experience again. A new day dawns, ripe and ready for all the good things in life to come a little closer to us all, if we allow it in.

I know that still, everyone does the best from the level of consciousness that they are in at the time. I have been frustrated and angry that my life, my history, my memories have been toyed with by someone else, for purely egoic reasons. And denied, to please the one with the big ego. It is dysfunction at it’s highest.  I allowed it to wrap around my level for a time, and bring it down.  I have let go, unwrapped it, cut the cords binding it, and rise again.

I still have to recognize that that’s where they are, and that I can’t expect more, nor stay angry about it. It’s done, it won’t happen again. I feel like I was a distraction to them, that they could agree on. Like Brene Brown calls it “common enemy bonding.” It’s not real, it’s not lasting. There are still lies that haven’t surfaced, but they just don’t matter now. Who cares? The issue with the lies is between them, I am removed from it, thankfully. I always say the truth will float to the top at some point. My life moves on, theirs does too, and how that story ends is anyone’s guess, and I’ll never know. Nor will I care. I don’t know that I’ve gotten to a state of forgiveness over it yet, it’s a little fresh, but I know I’ll get there. I work at that, it’s something I want to achieve, so I can go on without holding onto the anger and negative emotions of a past which really has no bearing on me or my life now.

I’m going to my high school friend’s today for a couple of nights. I’m so excited. We don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know we’ll have fun. I know even though we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, we will fall in like we were never apart. These girls know how to laugh, and love and have a great time, and bring in the goodness of life. WE’ve been friends since we were 13 or 14. It is going to be a welcome change, as it has been with my sister here.

It’s all been exactly what I needed. I’m looking out my sis’s window, at the bouganvilla cascading from an old intricately woven tree stump. And reminded how much beauty is in the world, and that that’s what I want to focus on now.

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Life is good. Really, it is. Love and light. And laughter.

WWYD? (What would you do?)

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

What would you do

What would you do?

If someone you used to love, told their ex-not-quite-current girlfriend (I don’t know what her status is at the moment.) that the only reason they asked you over for the weekend was for the sex?  Because she found out and was hurt, and he couldn’t stand up and own that what happened, happened because he wanted it to?

What if you found out this, in a round about way, from the ex-not-quite-current girlfriend, who was just trying to make sense of what happened to her?

What if, this ex-lover denied and betrayed you to her over and over, and had done the same to you, with her, up until recently?  And what if, that whole weekend you’d been trying to help  him, while your heart broke, to find a way back to her, because that’s what would make him happy.

What would you do?

Well, I wrote them both an email.  I told the story from my perspective.  I told her I was not angry at her, it was just a lie that she believed.  I was angry at him, for minimalizing and marginalizing our relationship.   I made it clear what I believed to be the truth and why.

I am a lover of the truth. I need it out on the table, I need to see it all, I need to allow people to draw their own conclusions from what IS, not what one person wants it to be to assuage their guilt.

What happens now, is what happens.  Probably nothing.  I hope she’ll forgive him for caring for someone when she was out of the picture, and even when she was in it.  Emotions don’t die, but he chose her, and I have to live with that, and can, and I am. I believe he still cares, and feels bad that he’s done it to me again, but didn’t see another way to heal the rift with her, than telling yet another tale

But that’s the problem for me. I mean I’m the loser here.  But I won’t live with him lying about who I was to him, and who he was to me, for a short time. I won’t be turned into some bimbo who fucked a man who didn’t give a shit about her.  For God’s sake.  I don’t regret a minute of of any of the time I ever spent with him, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I ever did with him.  I’m sorry it hurt her, and I’m sure she probably feels the same about me now, because she’s a kind person.

It’s over now, I want to let it go.  I want to keep the memories I have, unflawed by his lies, his spinning of the truth into something other than it was.  I just want to be perceived as someone who loved him, and someone he cared for.  And then I want to find someone who can love me the way I can love.

He’ll never be able to love anyone that way.  But I know there are other people, men, who can.  He was good practice for me.  I learned what I want, and what I don’t, in a man.

I want someone who I can trust.  Someone whose light doesn’t come on once in a while and shine so brightly that it hurts your eyes because they are so accustomed to the darkness.  I want someone whose light illuminates my path, and whose path I can illuminate, and we can keep each other from falling into the pitfalls because we have so much light.

So, what would you do?  Did I over-react? Or was it appropriate and necessary?  I’d love your thoughts.

 

Some Tough Memories

Posted on by learning to live like water

bad memoris

I’m afraid my last blog brought up a bunch of memories I’d forgotten, or pushed down, last night.  One in particular, was of my son, not long before I left my marriage.  I walked into his room and he had his shirt off, and was bruised all down his left side.  I gasped and asked him what happened.  He said “oh it was at hockey mom.” and went on to make up some story, which I can’t remember, all I can remember is the mass of purple bruises on his chest.  But I believed him, even though he’d never had any thing like that in all his years of playing.  And it didn’t really make sense, when I thought about it later, a hockey player is well padded from head to toe.  But apparently ignorance was bliss at the time, I was planning my escape, I just accepted it.

A couple years later, when he moved in with me, we were talking about his dad, and how he never talked to him, and maybe he should try forgiving him.  I said something to him about his father never hitting him.  He just looked at me.  Then he said quietly, “Mom, remember when you walked in my room and saw those bruises on my chest?”  Of course I did.  He said, “Dad did that.  He didn’t like the way I practiced, so on the way home he was hitting me with his right hand/arm all the way home while he was driving.”

My ex was a big very strong man.  He had arms the size of some people’s thighs.

I thought I would die.  I wanted to crawl in a hole for not figuring that out.  And it was apparently not the only time his father did something like that.  He swore my son to secrecy, somehow.  Threatened him if I ever found out.  Because he knew if I found out I would have had him arrested.  No doubt.

The night before I started my job, my first job outside our family business in 30 years, he started a huge fight with me, I’m sure because he was losing control of me.  He flipped a salad out of my hands so it flew all over the kitchen.  Then he started walking toward me, drunk.  I had my phone in my hand, and I said, “Go ahead, hit me.  I’d really like to see you in jail tonight.”  And he stopped and turned around and walked away.  Because he knew I meant it.  So he knew without a doubt, if I knew he’d hit our son I’d have called the police too.

But the guilt I felt over what he did to my son, on top of all the berating and belittling, trying to break his spirit, stayed with me for so long, and it easily still comes back.  It’s hardest to forgive yourself.  And last night I had to somehow get through that all over again.

I am so grateful and blessed that my son is such a good kid today.  I am so glad that I finally realized I had to get out of there, even though I had to leave him with his father for a time, I got through it, we got through it.  We have dealt together with what our lives were back then, I made him talk about it.

So many people feel like I should make him somehow talk to his father.  I just can’t, no one can understand what that was like for my son, and the fact is, he has a great life now, sans father.  I don’t know that his father could add anything but more chaos to his life.  I leave it up to him to deal with as he sees fit.  He tells me he’s not angry at his father, nor hates him, he just doesn’t want what  his father brings to his life.

So, it was hard to get to sleep last night, remembering this.  Related to that abuse, I guess, in my head, was S’s ease of betrayal of me recently.  Wondering if I’d ever find an honest true loving man.  It all seemed to fall in the same pot of abuse.

This morning, I still believe he’s out there.  I still believe I’ll find him.  The pull to Florida and a new life is strong.

Feeling blessed, that my son is a strong, healthy, wonderful kid.  And that I have a wonderful life now, with all good things in my future.

Love and light, all.