A Little Obsessing as I Put the Chaos Away

I felt a little guilty over the vitriolic email I sent Scott, lacing into him for sharing our personal stuff with someone else, and for trying to tell me what I should or shouldn’t write about.  I was so furious.  He can engender such anger in me, it frightens me that I can still get that mad at him.  It’s not who I want to be.  The truth was in there, but there was so much anger that it was difficult to decipher the actual message.

I’m not sure why he thinks if he takes from me, or now demeans and /or denies the  relationship that gave him much pleasure for 18 months, will somehow in her mind, undo the fact that he betrayed her.  He betrayed us both on a grand scale.  When he was with me in January, he blamed her.  And when she became so jealous that I was with him, he blamed me.

He did, to his credit, blame himself mostly.  But he tried to spread it around, so that we too were culpable in his mind, so that he didn’t have to bear the whole burden.  We were not.  My ex used to do that.  Every problem he had, he had to pretend I had it too.  I was conditioned for a long time to accept blame for something I didn’t do, just to keep the peace.  Taking years after my divorce to search my soul, I don’t and won’t do that anymore.  What Scott did to us, is all on Scott.  The fact that he ran to my bed when she left him….he can own that too.  I still loved  him, missed him, wanted him, but he ran to my bed, when he had the opportunity.  Not me to his.  I ended up there, but I didn’t initiate our reunion.  When he came to see me 12 hours after my mother died, I looked at him and said, “Do you want to sit on the couch and talk?  Or lay down and talk.”  He thought for a moment…And said, “lay down….”  Everything was easier for us there.  Talking, connecting, being.  I wasn’t going to undress, but he asked me to….I was distraught, over my mother, I just trusted him to do what would help me get through the day.  He had come, he said, to keep me company, to keep me from being alone.   I did as he requested, and soon, we were into our old rhythm, our old patterns.  It was all still there, after having been buried for 3 months.  The connection, the attraction, was just as strong as ever.

When she found out, to satisfy her jealous nature, he had to take from me, from us, from what we had.  She couldn’t allow it to just be over, and see if she and he had anything left.  She demands that he recreate himself in her image, the one that satisfies her huge ego, her possessiveness.  The one that wants him to have had no one ever but her in his life.

Well….he did.  He had me, and try as she might, and as much as she can get him to deny me, she can’t take from me what was real.  Nor can he.  It is over, but it was what it was, and it was something lovely, caring, passionate…..  No matter how the two of them try to re-write the story for their own selfish motives, it remains in the universe as it was.

I suppose a lot of her insecurity comes from the fact that he was still married to his second wife when he started seeing her, 15 or 16 years ago.  He told me that went on for about 5 years.  Eventually, his wife knew, and he and his wife stayed together still for a time, a couple years I think he said, for convenience sake, for their kids.   But for Betty, knowing he was willing to cheat on his wife, and then wanted to still live with his wife while he was supposedly with her?  She has or had to be very insecure, knowing what he was capable of.  And obviously, he is still capable of it. All that time, and he was living with his now ex-wife.  That is so f’d up, I can’t even begin to fathom it, nor do I want to.

I’m ok with it all.  Every minute it is all part of my past, and I am evolving into a new, wiser, smarter woman.  I don’t think he can anger me like that again, because I see it for what it is.  I see that the past week was a just more of the same dysfunction that has become his norm since she reappeared in his life, something that her extreme jealousy and possessiveness require of him.  I don’t have any idea if they are together, my intuition says not, but who knows, I’ve been wrong before. I think if they are not, he is still trying to do what she requires to accept him.  He mistakes her jealousy and possessiveness for love, they are the opposite of love, they are fear.  She mistakes his denial of me as more for her.  She thinks that the less he cares for me, the more he cares for her.

I used to say to him, I don’t want what you had with her.  I want my own account with you, filled with our specialness, our memories, our intimacies.  What you had with her has nothing to do with what we have together. Keep what you had with her, lets see what we can build that’s ours.

To me, that’s love.  And we had it…the fact that he now denies it, doesn’t make it less so.

So, here I am, winding it up again, and hoping I don’t have to do this again.  Trying to take the chaos of last week, the negativity and the raw emotion,  and put it back in order, find the places where it fits, put it away, and move on.

I would have liked to remain friends with him…and at first that’s what we did.  But then, it wasn’t enough for her, and soon he was denying me and us again, and he devastated us on even the level of friendship.  It’s too bad….that he can’t have even a friend who loves him.

I’ll be closing on my Florida house soon, I’ll be putting the one here on Zillow soon.  I’ll be spending pretty much 100% of my time on that.  I don’t have time to deal with this childish, adolescent dysfunction any longer.  Soon I’ll be 1500 miles away, in a new life, making new friends, living my dream, and I have no doubt that all the dreams I have had are going to manifest.

I wish no ill on either of them.  They are good enough, without my help, at dragging themselves down. My energy is on my future life, on ending this one correctly.

I’ll always love the man he was when I fell in love with him.  And will always think of that man fondly.

But now….the past is past, and the future is looking bright.  Onward….forward motion.

Love and light.

 

 

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