Solitary Thoughts on Revenge, Truth, Happiness, and Love

 

your center

I was alone all day today, after my son went to work around noon. I was going to take a walk with a friend from my book club, but after I grocery shopped I was exhausted. I suppose because I only got about 4 hours sleep last night, and worked around the house changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning windows, until I went to the store. So, I didn’t go for the walk.

I had a text conversation with the new guy from a dating site, and it went nowhere. Boring, lol. Might have been a scammer, Idk. But when he asked what I wanted in a man, I said, “Hmmm, funny, interesting, creative, maybe slightly outside the box like me. Someone I feel a connection with.” And that was the last I heard from him, lol. Literally. Not, “well it’s been nice talking to you”, nothing. Just disappeared. I wasn’t interested at all, so didn’t follow it up. Boring. Self absorbed.

I had asked him why he was single. Was he divorced, or widowed? He said, “Didn’t you read that in my profile?” Well, if I did I forgot….. Geezus, I didn’t memorize it! So when he asked me what I wanted in a man, I said, in the middle of the description, “This is all in my profile too, lol.” Trying to make him look at himself. Apparently, he didn’t like me or me throwing his words back at him.

God I can’t put up with crap, at all, any more. Geezus. Be real.

When I said it, what I wanted in a man, I was actually describing all the things I loved about S. Too bad he balances it with all lies, deception, unhealthy living, not being able to stand in his story, not being able to own his actions. And casting blame all around him rather than look it in the eye and deal with it. Too bad he can’t recognize and accept love, given to him just because he was. Too bad he had to assign motive to it. Well, there was a motive, then. To help him to be happy. That was all. I already was, am. I loved him enough, just to want him to be.

I doubt that he is, happy. I doubt he has what he wants, and I doubt he even knows what that is. I don’t think it’s what he professed it to be, or his behavior would have been different. He had some pie in the sky thing that was going to make him happy, but it wouldn’t have. Sooner or later he would have fucked it up again. Because he couldn’t/can’t be happy on his own. He couldn’t/can’t love himself. Neither she nor I, nor both of us together at the same time, could love him enough for him to love himself. No matter if we both loved him with every fiber of our being. It would never have been enough.

It makes me hurt for him. But it doesn’t make me want to unblock him on my phone. I can’t do it again with him. Even if that’s not on the table, I have no way of knowing, and I am not going to take the chance.

I talked on the phone to Montana, my friend who lives up there, this afternoon for about an hour, maybe longer. That was nice. She had me google these Arched Cabins. They are pretty cool, I gotta say, and inexpensive. We talked about books, about dating, about our men or lack of, about our abusive ex’s, our kids. Covered a lot of ground, lol.

But then I was alone again. I have to stay busy when I’m alone, that’s when it would be easiest to crack the door open to S again. Just unblock him to see if he tried to reach me. Or just leave him a message. Or an email. Or a text, to see if he’d answer. Or carry on a conversation with him in my head that I will never have. It’s when I’m home, and alone, especially if I’m tired, that he starts creeping into my psyche again.

So, I vacuumed. I washed the floors. I made some buffalo wings. I cut up some fruit. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes on the couch.

Now I’m watching Wild, which was such a wonderful book, and the movie is very true to the book. I’ve seen her, Cheryl Strayed, many times, mostly on OWN. She is one amazing woman.

She undertook walking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail, the west coast equivalent of The Appalachian Trail on the east coast) because her life was a mess. She ruined her marriage cheating on her husband with anyone she met. She was a heroin addict for quite a while. So she walked this trail, by herself, about 2000 miles. She ended it a different person than she began.

I hope S can find his PCT, his journey out of the darkness. It’s my most sincere hope for him.

I know he thinks I posted the truth about our January together as revenge to him for saying he didn’t want me at his house. But it wasn’t revenge. It was for her, it was all for her, so she would know the truth he would never tell her. So she could decide, with all the facts in her hand, whether or not she really wanted to be with him or not. Maybe she did, maybe they reached some common ground. Maybe she walked away forever. Maybe she’s still stuck in limbo, loving a man who would screw her over because he has no center, no ability to make a good decision. No comprehension of right and wrong.  Loving a man who will always pick immediate gratification over the long term repercussions.  He’ll always deal with those if and when they show up.

I know she loved him. I know I loved him. Like I said before, it would never matter how much someone loved him. Until he can find his own light, and let it shine, no one can love him enough.

So I posted it for her. It had nothing to do with him. It was for her, I hoped she’d read it, and at least know the truth. I knew it would hurt. But not as much as finding out you’ve made a decision based on the lie that poured out of the mouth of someone you loved and wanted to trust. My mistake was thinking that love and trust went hand in hand. They should, but they don’t. Or didn’t, in this case.

He said all the right things to me during that short time. About changing, about living honestly. He confided many things to me that he had not before. I really had hope for him. Then the moment he was under pressure, he defaulted back to that underhanded man who can’t own his actions, who can’t stand in his story, who has to not be at fault for a situation he created.

And I knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn’t have him in my life, no matter how much I loved him and wanted his happiness. I knew that at the end of the day, there would never be anything but endless pain for me if he was in my life.

It was small, compared to the betrayal of last summer. But it was the confirmation I needed. I needed to see if his words were real, or contrived to keep me in his bed, while he pulled himself together and figured out how to get her back. I got my answer. She told me, he can’t stand to be alone.

I don’t know if he is alone now or not. I am, but I’m ok with it. I can make myself happy. I have a rich full life without a man. Friends that call, that will go out with me. Things to do, things for which I have passion. I feel like I have a place in the world that I’m comfortable with.

I wish him well. I hope he finds some happiness, true, real happiness within himself before he dies. I hope she is well. I hope her heart is healing, and isn’t broken again. She’s still showing up on my FB page, I like to think that’s because we are friends on another level.

I suppose, considering the connection that I have always believed S and I have, that he and I are friends on some other level too.

So this blog has stretched out, lol. I guess I had a lot on my mind. Hope everyone has a nice evening. Or whatever it is, wherever you are. Love and light.

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Just Bringing the Truth

truth

I wrote that blog last night about the hammer, and didn’t think about the fact that S might read it.  I don’t have any idea if he still reads my blogs.  I don’t know why he would, except to reassure himself on some sick level that I still think about him.  I would guess if he reads that one, he’ll get angry, and think it was all about revenge.  (My pendulum still says he does, though not every day.  It just seems illogical to me, that he would.  We have not spoken since I told him he was dead to me.  So why he would want to read it?  Maybe to reassure himself he is really not dead to me?  Who knows?)

Well, of course I think about him.  But I don’t think of him with any pangs of longing, it’s more like a bad habit I’m breaking now.  Kind like when the text alert goes off on my phone, I still first think of him, because we used to text so much.)  He is less and less on my mind.  What he did is more and more just another experience I lived through and learned from.

Neither of the experiences that I wrote about, he or my ex-husband, were about getting even.  Neither of the experiences was about revenge.  My ex was about getting what was mine, and being fair. I only brought the truth to light so I could survive.

S was about bringing the truth to light as well, so that everyone knew exactly what was going on, and so could make their own decision about whether or not they wanted to be part of it.  I feel that I did the right thing for myself, for her, and whether or not he wants to believe or accept it, for him.  A relationship based on a lie is nothing, except an ego boost for the narcissist, that he once again pulled the wool over someone’s eyes and got away with it.  While I normally stay out of other people’s business, I felt that since I was the third leg of his triangle, it was my business. He involved me where I didn’t want to be involved.  And when you pull one leg out of the triangle, it’s going to collapse, it’s a law of physics….

Both men were someone I loved, and men I hope the best for in the new year.  I am so happy to be moving away from all that drama.

I have a nice New Year’s Eve planned with a friend.  We’re going to try to get an early dinner somewhere, (because we have no reservations and probably can’t get any at this late date) and then hang out at my house and talk, drink wine, watch movies, lol.  I’m glad I won’t be alone, but if I was, I’d probably just write and write, lol.

Love and light everyone.  May 2016 be our year!

The Tale of the Pendulum

Crystal_pendulums

I have a couple of crystal pendulums. For those who don’t know what they are, they are a pointed crystal, attached to a chain usually.  You hold the end of the chain in your dominant hand, and place it about 2 or 3 inches above the open palm of your non-dominant hand.  You can ask it questions and it will move one direction for yes, and a different one for no.

I have two of these.  When you get them they should be cleansed of anyone else’s energy that has handled them, which can be done with white sage smoke.  Or putting them outside under the full moon, but then you usually have to wait, lol.  Salt is also cleansing.

The crystal gets a vibration from your higher self, which is connecting to the universe, and thus, higher energy.  It will answer yes and no questions.  It’s not, obviously, fool-proof.  But it is uncanny how often in my life it’s given me the right answer.  I also use it doing Reiki, just to verify that energy is flowing.

The first time you use it after it’s cleansed, you ask it to show you yes and then no.  It can be a different for each person, and each crystal, although both of mine swing back and forth in a straight line for yes, and in a clockwise circle for no.

I try to clear my head before I use one by getting into a meditative state, trying not to influence the answer I get.   I also try to get a few feet away from any electronics.

Usually if I ask it a question, it goes very still at first.  One of my pendulums is a clear faceted quartz pendulum, and I can see it suddenly start vibrating at a very fast rate, which is only visible because of the way the light reflects in the facets.  Then it will suddenly start swinging or circling.

Sometimes it hangs really still for a long time, as if it can’t find the vibe.  I then try to visualize the person’s face I’m asking about, and where they are at the time, even their address.  Usually by the time I open my eyes again, it is swinging one way or the other.

When I got the vibe yesterday about S not being well,  I waited and asked it when I got home. I wanted to get away from the influence of the day’s crazy energy. The answer was that he was not well, which just verified what my gut was screaming at me.  I looked at the email I had drafted.  It gave up nothing, except to tell him what I felt.  It also told him I hoped he was well and able to deal with all that had happened.  And all that is true.  But I wanted nor needed any response from him.  He knows I am usually right when I have these strong connections.  But honestly with his health history I felt, really, that I should at least tell him.  So I sent it late last night.  There has been no answer.  Which is fine.  I don’t need one.

Before anyone gets all up in arms that I would contact him, understand that I am way over the heartbreak.  Even if I miss him, I know that what I miss isn’t who he is now, and it doesn’t upset me.  His making me laugh is really just a good memory.  I have an ability to talk to anyone, at any time.  I can put him in his proper place in my life.  I don’t regret the way I loved him, I don’t love him that way now.  He’s a wreck, really.  He often told me he was still grieving the end of his relationship with Betty, but he blamed her, not  himself.  He stopped talking about her about 8 or 9 months into our relationship.  Especially when I came back from Florida in March, he said he was open to a relationship, he said everything I had dreamed of hearing.  Then a few weeks later she showed up…. but he wouldn’t let me go.

At any rate, I’m over it.  I can talk to him, if he felt the need, but I don’t need to talk to him.  I just felt that he should know what I felt about his health.  Because I can’t help it that I have this connection to him, whatever it is.  It doesn’t really feel like I’m tied to him, or corded.  Just that I had information that might be good for him to know.  That’s it.  He has it now, and I can let it go.

I had to learn how to do this with my ex.  Four years in court, and a son to deal with.  I am able to put whats behind me, behind me.

The pendulum also tells me that she won’t ever forgive him, or take him back.  It could be wrong.  The pendulum isn’t fool proof.  Maybe it’s just reading the energy as it is now.  It’s been less than a full month since she found out that the whole time he was with her, he was with me too.  I’ve had almost 3 times that long to absorb the loss, although I only found out when she did that he was also with her the last six months that he was with me.

I hope the pendulum and I are wrong about his health.  As for Betty, I was just curious.  I don’t really care.  But I do think he’s cashed in all his trust chips with us both.