Some Fundamental Truths Introspection

This morning my FB feed was, thankfully, not all about the antics of our tweeter-in-chief. I am so sick of reading about him, even though I think it’s important that we know what he’s been doing because it will affect all our lives. It’s just nice to have a reprieve from it, and especially on a quiet Sunday morning, to be able to sit and watch a couple of cool, human interest and/or funny videos and read some good articles.

One of my favorites today was from the Huffington Post, titled “10 Fundamental Truths That Will Change Your Life.” Just a list, with a short discussion of each, of things like “You’re living the life you created. (#4), Fear is the #1 source of regret. (#5), Live your life in the moment. (#7), Your self-worth must come from within. (#8), and Change is inevitable – Embrace it. (#10). Not to say that #’s 1, 2, 3, 6, and 9 weren’t just as important. These just stood out to me at the moment. Another day, another list, lol.

I have always said I dislike regrets, I dislike wishing my past was different than it was. Instead of regrets I say they were mistakes, lessons to be learned. Lessons that were not coincidental, but were part of my life’s journey to evolve my soul. Some were difficult, some were easy. But with all of them, it was, is, important to learn the lesson and then to Let It Go. As they said in the Huffington Post article, “No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.” Learn the lesson that has presented itself. Then…put it in the past. And live in the moment. The present moment.

Am I safe? Do I have food to eat? Do I know if any of the terrible things I might think are really true? And if I don’t, was/is there any reason to obsess over them? Not meaning to preach here, just kind of relate a journey which took me from an abusive marriage to a new life in a place that I love, and a close relationship with my family, and friends. 10 years ago, I left that marriage. It was the beginning of creating a new life for myself. I accept that I also had an equal hand in creating the old, fearful and sad one that I lived in for so many years. But do I regret that life? No. I learned some of my most important lessons ever there. And, of course, without it would not have my son. Sometimes I reget that it took me so long to learn the lesson, but….it is what it is. I took as long as I needed, and now at the age of almost 66, I see the benefits of the lessons.

I’m so grateful that others have gone before me on this journey and have shared their wisdom. So greatful for the great teachers of these essential wisdoms who have been put in my path, holding a candle or a floodlight, or sometimes just taking me by the hand and guiding me….whichever was needed for me to see, and comprehend.

I guess that if I were to add a #11, it would be, “Every day find something to be grateful for. Even if it’s just your breath.” Gratitude is probably one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. Even to the point of being grateful for all our hardships, for the lessons we learned from them. Sometimes when I can’t get to sleep, I just start listing in my head all the things I’m grateful for. My son, my family, my friends. The bed that I sleep in, the food in my fridge, the moonlight outside my window, the air that I breathe. I’ve often fallen asleep making that list. It just brings a sense of calm and order, and peace.

Guess I’m doing some introspection this morning, caused by that article. If you want to read the article, here’s the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-fundamental-truths-that-will-change-your-life_us_58dc0459e4b07f61a2bb8ae0?

Love and light, everyone.

When Is An Apology Real?

I just got home from a long day trying to prepare the art center for the grand opening tomorrow. Hanging more art, and cataloging all of it, organizing the spreadsheets so that the we can know which gallery each piece of art hangs in. I am just amazed at the scope of this project, how much participation they have received, the volumes of art that is on display. I felt guilty leaving tonight, but my feet and ankles were just done after 8 or 9 hours of continuously being on them. So I went home, and hopefully will be of more use to them tomorrow than I could be if I stayed later tonight.

Most of the work I did today was fairly mindless, really, though. So I had a lot of time to think. I heard from the nameless one again….I know, I know. Ridiculous. I just kept thinking about how he keeps behaving in ways for which he has to apologize.  Why he can’t change his behavior, but he can’t. An apology which says, “I agree with everything you said” doesn’t mean a whole lot when you’ve heard it so many times. The behavior stays the same….I’ve begged him to leave me alone, and maybe he will now. I also actually feel genuine compassion for B. My anger with him had nothing to do with her, because I knew what he was up to.  He just managed to piss me off royally just by his arrogance, and his narcissism, and I just am so sick of it.  I was sick of it in December.  Didn’t talk to him for a couple months, but then the damn smoke alarm thing, geezus.   However, B didn’t know, apparently (even though I’d mentioned it before in my blog)…and he was telling her something else, from what I gather. I don’t know exactly what he was telling her, and I don’t want to know=. I was told he was not with her, but I guess she believed he was trying to turn over a new leaf. While he was not, while he was continuing with the same behavior he did 18 months ago, and it’s been pretty much on-going since I moved.  The only saving grace was that I am now 1500 miles away, and none of our conversations could be acted on.

Oh, I’m running on, just trying to think my way through the tangled web of lies, that somehow caught my leg and pulled me in. I just feel for her, to be blindsided yet again. But I’m so happy to be out of that triangle, and game that he plays. I feel bad for him, to not be able to change such self destructive behavior.

And I’m so happy to be having such a cool guy as L make me dinner next week. Such a big difference.

So tomorrow will be busy, and fun. Gonna get some dinner and rest. Love and light, everyone.

Pizza, and Other Tidbits

I’m sure some of you have iPhones. The newer ones, and maybe even older ones, now will translate a voice mail into text. It can get pretty funny as all voice to text can, although I will say it’s surprisingly accurate at most times.

Anyway, I got an angry voice mail yesterday, from the nameless one. I have had a few voicemails from him in the last few days, all saying he just wanted to talk to me, he wasn’t angry, etc. Instead of calling him, which would only lead to an angry exchange, (because I was still angry, even if he wasn’t, at the audacious things he said and the lies) I sent him an email asking him to just let it go, and also told him and posted on here that I was seeing L last night. The voicemail that I received after that went from “please call me.” to calling me a “piece of shit” for ruining his relationship with B. (I did email him and ask him to consider that it was the lies he told both of us that did him in with her, particularly telling me that he was not “with” her, that they were just friends who had coffee together occasionally. Seriously, he’s out shopping for women, and I’m the cause of his demise? Hmmm. I think not. Narcissist….)

The iPhone however, didn’t comprehend “piece of shit” and changed it into his calling me a “pizza”. It really made me laugh. Pizza. Don’t think I’ve ever been called pizza before! LOL. Really took that anger and kind of made me laugh at it.

So ends the last act in that ridiculous drama. Pizza. With pepperoni, please….

My dinner with L was wonderful. He’s going to cook for me early next week. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. Respectful, and kind, and and funny, and a little shy, which is very endearing on a big, good-looking, football player type! Can’t wait to see him again.

I thought my cough was gone, since I didn’t cough all day yesterday. Until he got here, and kept making me laugh, deep belly laughs that made me cough….I was a little embarrassed! But it didn’t seem to put a damper on us, so that was good.

Early next week is a good time to see him again, because I will be very busy with the grand opening for the Veterans Art Center for the next few days. I think the actual event will be a lot of fun. I’m hoping that a lot of vets artwork is sold and that they make a lot of money, as well as the center raises a lot. It’s such a wonderful project. Today I’ll go over and help my bestie who’s the curator to get all the galleries organized. She said we’ve gotten in 100’s of pieces of amazing artwork for it.

And I have open mic tonight.  Won’t be home too much today!

Exciting things happening here. The shift I felt a week or so ago is well underway, and life is amazing. Love and light, everyone.

Considering the Possibilities

Last night I went to bed exhausted at about 10:20. I was a little sad, because Tom did not call yesterday. He had only said this weekend, but I thought I had detected some urgency in his message and thought I’d hear from him yesterday. Instead, I saw him online, but he didn’t call or even message me. My sadness was exacerbated by my exhaustion.

As I went to bed, I thought…..here I am setting myself up for more drama. More games. More stuff I don’t want in my life. I’m feeling the old push / pull thing that was part of my last relationship. There’s no need. I thought about the other guy Tim, who was excited to get my number, and committed to calling me tonight. How honest, and forthright he is, how he also makes me feel important, without any game. How he doesn’t have the need to tug at my heartstrings. And also how attracted I am to him, as well. Then there is a local guy I met at the artwalk, named Larry. My sister and my friend both told me he was obviously interested in me. I was oblivious. He’s a park ranger of some of the coastal parks nearby and also a photographer. We met at a gallery which shows his photography. My friend knows him from a charitable project she’s working on, which he’s involved in. She’s been trying to get me involved, and I think I may do that now. It’s a great project, and the added benefit of maybe working with or getting to know Larry makes it very appealing.

I thought, why have I kind of started to tie myself to a man who when he’s there, is really there, but when he’s not, he’s really not. Do I love the game on some level? No. I don’t think I do. But I think I’m a little gullible. Too much Pollyanna.

I slept solidly for 6 hours. I wish I’d slept for 10. My sleep has really become disrupted this week.

This morning during my meditation, I performed self reiki. I think I’m out of balance. Really out of balance. I worked this morning on restoring that balance. In Eat Pray Love, Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life. I agree. But, I’m not in love, yet. I’m only in possibilities.

There is no need to be so intense about any of this. There is no need to feel I can’t meet both Tim and Tom, and maybe get to know Larry. I’ve never been a player, and I don’t think I am now either. Until there’s some kind of connection with commitment I will continue to meet people and enjoy meeting them, getting to know them. When the next level occurs, then I’ll make that step.

I am surprised at myself, when I stand back, how much I want to have a significant other. I don’t want a husband, but yes, I’d be so happy just to feel my energy balanced out with male energy. I love to be in love, but I see this morning I’m pushing it with Tom, and that he’s probably not right for me. I think he likes the game. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t have had to push to get him to call me, and meet me, if he’s being honest in his messages. I’m sick of pushing. I’m sick of things not flowing. They flow with Tim, just a nice flow. And I am quite physically attracted to him. I love that he takes his grandson out manatee watching. He has a creative outlet. I also really like the way he tells me about himself, is willing to be vulnerable. We are a good match. Tom writes sweeter messages, but doesn’t follow through. I love words so much, I want to believe him. But his actions are telling me no, don’t. Not yet.

It’s all good, because I am confident that all the old stuff is behind me. I’ve really been alone a long time now, 10 years….. Even when I was with S, I wasn’t really with him. I was really alone. So I don’t really count that as being with somebody. I loved him, yes. But was I ever with him, no. And now, in hindsight that’s definitely 20/20, I know there’s no going back to that place where I spent the last at least 2 ½ years. I came down here for a fresh start…new beginning….to leave all that was in my old life in the past. My ex, my contentious divorce, my aloneness for 6 or 7 years, the roller-coaster and crash and burn that was my relationship with S. Every day, it’s farther behind me, and the future looks brighter.

But I have felt some of that old stress in trying to build a relationship with Tom. And stress is not what I want. Starting last night, I am backed off. I’ll talk to him, if and when he calls. I’ll meet him if and when he wants to. But I will also talk to Tim, I will also get to know Larry, and anyone else who crosses my path and whose company I find I enjoy. Until, that next level arises at the direction of the universe, not at the desire of my mind.

Here I am obsessing about this again, and I’m sorry. It’s boring I’m sure. But it’s really how I work these things out. Seeing much more clearly this morning. And hopeful that I’ll be able to get a nap in today, and alleviate this exhaustion I’m feeling.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Love and light to everyone.

A Rainy Saturday Morning

My sis and I went to the artwalk last night and had dinner in town. It was lovely, though the artwalk was somewhat subdued. Not as many vendors, or people. I suppose part of that was because it’s right after the holidays, so people weren’t doing Christmas shopping. And because the forecast was for rain, which we sorely need. It started raining after we had dinner and met up with one of my friends. So we came back to my house, and hung out for awhile.

It’s still raining this morning. Rain, and t-storms, and though it was 70 when I got up, it is going to drop into the 50s today. We haven’t had rain in over 2 months, it is so welcome. It almost seems weird! Get so used to sunshine every day!

Last night I got a message from Tommy, the one who won’t make plans. Except that he was making them. He says he’s going to call me this weekend, today I think. And then we’ll make plans to get together. I am very excited about it. He’s the first man who has really sparked me. He seems equally sparked.­ I am a little worried because the firefighter, Tim is also supposed to call me Sunday. If it goes with Tommy the way I kind of think it will, I won’t want to see Tim….even though I really like him. I’m a one-man kind of woman.

It will be nice to get the show on or off the road with Tommy. It’s weird how my pendulums said we would not meet this week but will by the end of next. It seems that’s true.

My sis and I want to go down to the art district in St. Pete before she leaves. Then we may go to a little Italian market I know she’d love. We might run up to Home Depot or Lowes, because I need to get something to put up in my guest room for people to hang their clothes on. She’s so funny, she gets here, and within minutes is coming up with ideas of things I need, and what might make this or that work better. I love her for it, she has such an artists view.

We were talking last night over dinner about what a perfect place this little town is for me. How it’s so exotic, artsy, so many good galleries, restaurants, and it’s such a small town, and no one even knows it’s here. It’s exactly the community that I need to be in. I saw the keyboard player at his booth selling his paintings last night. He gave me a big hug, and then told me he’s playing on Sunday at that same restaurant. I do like him…but really, I need to see where this is going with Tom. He’s really so far ahead of any of the other men I have talked to as far as an overall attraction. Anyway, I probably won’t go to the restaurant this weekend and see G play. Just would be too much like playing someone.

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve become much more measured in what I tell a man about myself. While my heart will always be on my sleeve, I am only slowly telling my story. One thing I like about Tom is that he seems to do the same, but also can put his heart on his sleeve. Last night he asked me to google Stay a Little Longer by the Brothers Osborne, because it reminded him of me. And what it did, for me, was to let me know he’s in about the same place as me. I can’t tell you how nice it is to do this with no head games going on.

I love too, that he would love to go to open mic with me, and actually perform there.

Well that’s it for a rainy Saturday morning. Lots of good things happening. Amazing how it all comes together when you get the toxic stuff out of your life.

Love and light.

4 AM Introspection

Awake at 4 Am, out of bed at 5. Not really a whole lot on my mind, except reflection of where I’ve been, and where I’m headed.

I thought a lot about the two men I’ve loved, my ex and S. I clearly saw how I fell in love with them, and why and how both relationships turned out to be so unhealthy for me. I thought about the article on Metta Buddhism, about how you can’t, just can’t, care for anothers happiness at the expense of your own. Any more than you should care for your own happiness at the expense of someone else.

So many of us were brought up to be pleasers, wanting to make everyone happy. Which is ok, as long as you include yourself in that equation. But when a relationship is making someone else happy,or even just filling a need of the other person, but bringing you a lot of discomfort….it’s time to let it go. I stayed in my marriage WAY too long, in the end it brought me only discomfort.  In trying to be the woman he wanted me to be, I lost myself.  It took me years to remember who I was.  Even now, that’s all that talking to him does, so thankfully, I don’t do it often. And S….yeah, I should have let that relationship go long before I knew the truth. It started bringing discomfort to me within the first year, even before his ex came back into the picture and he began the grand betrayal of both of us.  It was always a push-pull game, and I’m really not much of a player. I don’t understand the rules. Nor do I want to.  Again, I filled some egoic need of his, but he was careful not to allow himself to give too much to me.

Both relationships were a matter of me thinking that I could please them enough eventually, and they’d love me the way I loved them. In retrospect, with time and distance, I don’t think either man is capable of that kind of love, mostly because neither one of them loves themselves.

It was just an observation this morning. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.

I get “Notes from the Universe” in my email every day Monday through Friday. (www.tut.com) They are written by Mike Dooley, who some of you might recognize from his work with the Law of Attraction. Everyone gets the same note. This was today’s note, which seemed to speak to the observations I was making in the dark, under my comforter.

Just do it, Debbie.

Everything you need to know, you know, and everything you need to have, you have. Everything!

Time and Space is a primitive school. There are bigger challenges “out there,” bigger adventures, and lots more friends, but you gotta do what you gotta do, here and now. You gotta live the truths you’ve discovered, apply the principles, and never again think, “Why isn’t it working?” “It’s hard,” “I don’t know,” because such thoughts are like hitting the replay button for whatever you’ve just been through.

Look ahead with your dreams in mind and give thanks, because you know exactly what to do.

Tallyho,
The Universe

I read this, thinking, I know this. I KNOW this. So…gonna try to do this more now. Not forgetting the lessons of the past, but incorporating them into my vision of the future. I hate covering the same ground twice, so I need to stop putting myself in a position where I’m doing that, going forward.

I guess some needed introspection was why I woke up at 4 AM, clear-headed and rested. I guess I needed to put this stuff in it’s place in my psyche

Love and light to everyone.


A Final (for now) Word on Lies

I lay awake last night remembering so many lies I’ve been told. From about 2:30 til 4, the parade of them was constant. From my ex, from S. I wanted to turn them off, stop remembering. I kept asking myself, “Why are you dredging this up now? Again?”

I suppose because I saw the post from Liz Gilbert and it so touched me. But it also, apparently, triggered me.

Finally, I remembered to begin my gratitude list. And repeated over and over the list of things I’m grateful for, until I finally fell asleep again.

Odd thing is, that some of the things for which I’m most grateful had to do with the men who so betrayed me. I’m grateful for my son, always first, most. And the man who couldn’t, can’t, stop lying gave him to me. I’m grateful to know I can love so much, so passionately, still, and the man who broke my heart into a million pieces gave me that.

So…..there’s always a place for forgiveness, because in all the loss, there was gain. And the things I gained, I would not give back for anything.

‘Tis they who pay the price for their lies and deceit and betrayal. Not me. My life goes on, richer, and fuller than ever before. Their lives…..well, I expect they will remain closed to the things they are closed to. That their default setting of lies to people will continue to keep them alone. Even if they think they are not alone, the lies about the lies about the lies continue to dig a deep hole in their soul.

I fell asleep with only love in my heart for all the people in my life. To waste a life telling lies, manipulating people, never knowing the joy of love unimpeded by ego, is sad. It’s not my life, it’s theirs and their choices.

I guess the hours awake thinking of it helped me to reconcile it. As a wise woman once said to me, “I guess it was something you needed to be awake for.” I apparently needed to dredge up a little more, and deal with it. Since there are no coincidences, there’s a reason I had to see that post just before I went to bed. I had more work to do, I did it. I’m better for it.

Love and light, all.