Considering the Possibilities

Last night I went to bed exhausted at about 10:20. I was a little sad, because Tom did not call yesterday. He had only said this weekend, but I thought I had detected some urgency in his message and thought I’d hear from him yesterday. Instead, I saw him online, but he didn’t call or even message me. My sadness was exacerbated by my exhaustion.

As I went to bed, I thought…..here I am setting myself up for more drama. More games. More stuff I don’t want in my life. I’m feeling the old push / pull thing that was part of my last relationship. There’s no need. I thought about the other guy Tim, who was excited to get my number, and committed to calling me tonight. How honest, and forthright he is, how he also makes me feel important, without any game. How he doesn’t have the need to tug at my heartstrings. And also how attracted I am to him, as well. Then there is a local guy I met at the artwalk, named Larry. My sister and my friend both told me he was obviously interested in me. I was oblivious. He’s a park ranger of some of the coastal parks nearby and also a photographer. We met at a gallery which shows his photography. My friend knows him from a charitable project she’s working on, which he’s involved in. She’s been trying to get me involved, and I think I may do that now. It’s a great project, and the added benefit of maybe working with or getting to know Larry makes it very appealing.

I thought, why have I kind of started to tie myself to a man who when he’s there, is really there, but when he’s not, he’s really not. Do I love the game on some level? No. I don’t think I do. But I think I’m a little gullible. Too much Pollyanna.

I slept solidly for 6 hours. I wish I’d slept for 10. My sleep has really become disrupted this week.

This morning during my meditation, I performed self reiki. I think I’m out of balance. Really out of balance. I worked this morning on restoring that balance. In Eat Pray Love, Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life. I agree. But, I’m not in love, yet. I’m only in possibilities.

There is no need to be so intense about any of this. There is no need to feel I can’t meet both Tim and Tom, and maybe get to know Larry. I’ve never been a player, and I don’t think I am now either. Until there’s some kind of connection with commitment I will continue to meet people and enjoy meeting them, getting to know them. When the next level occurs, then I’ll make that step.

I am surprised at myself, when I stand back, how much I want to have a significant other. I don’t want a husband, but yes, I’d be so happy just to feel my energy balanced out with male energy. I love to be in love, but I see this morning I’m pushing it with Tom, and that he’s probably not right for me. I think he likes the game. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t have had to push to get him to call me, and meet me, if he’s being honest in his messages. I’m sick of pushing. I’m sick of things not flowing. They flow with Tim, just a nice flow. And I am quite physically attracted to him. I love that he takes his grandson out manatee watching. He has a creative outlet. I also really like the way he tells me about himself, is willing to be vulnerable. We are a good match. Tom writes sweeter messages, but doesn’t follow through. I love words so much, I want to believe him. But his actions are telling me no, don’t. Not yet.

It’s all good, because I am confident that all the old stuff is behind me. I’ve really been alone a long time now, 10 years….. Even when I was with S, I wasn’t really with him. I was really alone. So I don’t really count that as being with somebody. I loved him, yes. But was I ever with him, no. And now, in hindsight that’s definitely 20/20, I know there’s no going back to that place where I spent the last at least 2 ½ years. I came down here for a fresh start…new beginning….to leave all that was in my old life in the past. My ex, my contentious divorce, my aloneness for 6 or 7 years, the roller-coaster and crash and burn that was my relationship with S. Every day, it’s farther behind me, and the future looks brighter.

But I have felt some of that old stress in trying to build a relationship with Tom. And stress is not what I want. Starting last night, I am backed off. I’ll talk to him, if and when he calls. I’ll meet him if and when he wants to. But I will also talk to Tim, I will also get to know Larry, and anyone else who crosses my path and whose company I find I enjoy. Until, that next level arises at the direction of the universe, not at the desire of my mind.

Here I am obsessing about this again, and I’m sorry. It’s boring I’m sure. But it’s really how I work these things out. Seeing much more clearly this morning. And hopeful that I’ll be able to get a nap in today, and alleviate this exhaustion I’m feeling.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Love and light to everyone.

Advertisements

One Last Gong Bath Tonight

gong bath

Last night I sent a friend in Scotland Reiki. I only sent it for about 15 minutes, because I was so tired from getting up at 4:30 am yesterday that I started to fall asleep. (Sorry, Ogden, lol) But it did me good, which is the cool thing about giving reiki, you get it too, as it passes through you. I got the first 8 hours of sleep that I have gotten in about a week. I hope it helped him too.

I did my meditation this morning, as usual. Trying to prepare myself emotionally for this long trip I begin tomorrow. I realized at some point during the meditation that I can probably finish everything I need to finish to leave tomorrow, and still have time to go to the gong bath tonight. That would be the best thing for me.

I have been holding so much emotion in my sacral and solar plexus chakras. Every morning I wake up and have that nervous feeling in my stomach. I work with it throughout the day, but still, it’s there. And from time to time it overwhelms me, to drive such a long distance and then leave my son there. It’s just a mom thing I guess. I spent so many years trying to protect him from his fathers wrath and biting tongue, and then so much time freeing him, and then the last 8 years trying to help him heal. Making him believe that he is worthy of love and belonging just because he exists in this world, and just because he is my son, and I think that I’ve been successful on that count.

It’s just hard. We are so close. I am so happy and proud of him, that he’s set this new life up all on his own. I’ve tried to help, of course, financially a little, contributing to new tires and car alignment, and I’ll help him set up his place in CO, but he’s done all the work himself to find a place to live, and to get a decent job.

But anyway, I think the gong bath will help me to release a lot of the angst I have over the whole thing.

Not to mention all the people I’ve been saying goodbye to. There will be a ton more when I get back from CO too. I love this place I live, except in winter, lol, it is beautiful. But it’s the people who are in my life on a regular basis that will be in my heart.

So gonging I will go. I sent my friend Linda an email telling her I was now intending to come. Just once more to lay on the floor and let the tsunami pf the vibrations of all Peter and Linda’s gongs carry me where I need to go.

Working through it this morning.

Love and light…..

Note:  the picture at the top is not the gong bath I go to, but is very similar.  (Pic is from Google Images.)  We also have 8 gongs and all kinds of other vibrational instruments.  And most of us lay on the floor, it’s my preferred position.

Note To Self: Don’t Be Stupid

stupid

My son called me on the way home.  I was actually almost home, about 2 miles away.  He said, “Brian and his girlfriend are here and we’re making hot dogs in the kitchen.  I just wanted to warn you.”  Which, translated, just means it’s a little chaotic in the kitchen. 

When I got home I realized he meant BRIAN, who is a chef at Bobby Flay’s restaurant!  Making hot dogs in my kitchen.  Brought his own utensils!  He made his own relish, he split the dogs, grilled the buns, put in the relish, put cheese and bacon on top, and OMG, they were so good.  It was fun to watch him work, lol.  Chopping, cooking, putting together….I told him,”I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow and tell them that one of the chefs from Bobby Flays was making hot dogs in my kitchen!” My son told him he could open his own restaurant.  LOL. 

And they cleaned up the kitchen!  And ran the dishwasher!  (O.o)

They have been friends for a long time.  My son took his girlfriend there once, and Brian comped him so much food. Son said he paid about $100, but he had to bring home the other two entrees, and 4 desserts….crazy good food. 

So that was fun. 

The rest of my day was….Monday.  I had a really unsettled feeling in my solar plexus all morning.  I went to lunch, to the cove, since it was almost 50 and sunny.  I ate my lunch, and read my book club book, The Gifts of Imperfection.  I idly wondered about my solar plexus.  Was it me?

Was I upset over something?  Was there something I wasn’t addressing?  Was I worried over something? 

Or, was I feeling someone else’s angst.  S’s….  Idk.  I kind of thought, he’s so mad at me for my “Don’t Look Back” blog.   But I couldn’t tell. Then I wondered if he was really depressed.  I wondered how things were with her, was she talking to him, if not that’s why he was depressed, blaming me, I wondered about his chest x-ray and if he got bad news…I started wondering too much, he was creeping back into my psyche.  I was allowing it.  Even though I think it was his energy I was feeling, I was allowing it.

I put on meditation music on Pandora.  I closed my eyes, and sat in stillness for awhile.  10, 15 minutes. I remembered how when we didn’t talk for 2 months, and I’d get this, I’d send him reiki.  By now I only had about 10 minutes left, but that’s what I did.  I focused on his heart chakra and his solar plexus, there wasn’t much time left.

I headed back for work, and I felt like crying.  I was so overwhelmingly sad.  I don’t know why.  Just felt so much sadness, it might have been from him, it might have been from deep within me.  I don’t know anymore.  I got back to work, and as the afternoon wore on, I felt better and better because when you give reiki, you also get it, because it passes through you.  Reiki usually works this way, gradually.  Not an immediate change, but you just start feeling happier, more balanced.

When I got back to work, and had a minute, I actually drafted an email to her. I worry as much about her well-being as his, if not more.  I wanted to tell her, how I spent most of the 3 weeks I was seeing him, talking him down, trying to give him hope that she would talk to him, and that, finally, the last morning,  he decided he was not going to throw in the towel, that I’d talked him into believing there might be a chance for the two of them.  I wanted to tell her that I loved him enough to only want his happiness.  That we had comforted each other, and that was all.   

But I didn’t send it.  I realized that nothing I could say would not add to her hurt over that.  That I sounded like I was justifying myself, and I shouldn’t.  I loved the guy.  That’s why I was with him.  The fact that he needed help, that we talked about her, was secondary, really, to me.  I really and truly only wanted to see him be happy for once in his miserable life.

And then, he betrayed me again, by saying he really hadn’t wanted me, and I had to work through it again. And now…..I love him still, but the answer to him, if it were ever to be asked, would be perpetually no.  Because my heart is not safe with him on any level.  Not even as just friends.  When things go wrong for him, he will betray anyone, no matter what they have done for  him, or how much they love him.  So, first time, shame on him.  2nd time, shame on me.  Third time?  That’s just stupid.

I can’t, won’t interfere between them.  I can’t tell her what he said, I can’t tell him what she said.  I don’t want to be in the middle.  Anything I said to her would insert me squarely in the middle.  Even if they stopped me….there my energy would have been.  It did me good to write the letter.  And then to delete it. 

I am fine now.  Not unsettled.  Not worrying over him.  Not worrying about her.  Feeling free of them both tonight.  And I’m sure they are happier that way.  I’m glad the reiki worked, at least for me. I don’t know, won’t ever know, if I was even feeling his energy and if I was, if the reiki helped him.  I don’t know anything about him, right now, if he’s healthy, happy, sad, angry, depressed, or none of the above, or all of them.  And it’s better that way.  As I said in the letter to her I wrote and deleted, anything I know about him only cords me energetically to a man who never loved me.  The less I know, the easier it is to continue letting go, walk away, move on. I think of him with sadness, he is such an unhappy man. I rarely saw him happy, in all the months I was with him. Except in bed, lol. He was pretty happy there.

So….interesting day. Worked through some stuff, in a way that is consistent with who I am. Got a lot done at work, made some calls that I needed to get made. And, I came home to gourmet hot dogs! LOL.