Considering the Possibilities

Last night I went to bed exhausted at about 10:20. I was a little sad, because Tom did not call yesterday. He had only said this weekend, but I thought I had detected some urgency in his message and thought I’d hear from him yesterday. Instead, I saw him online, but he didn’t call or even message me. My sadness was exacerbated by my exhaustion.

As I went to bed, I thought… I am setting myself up for more drama. More games. More stuff I don’t want in my life. I’m feeling the old push / pull thing that was part of my last relationship. There’s no need. I thought about the other guy Tim, who was excited to get my number, and committed to calling me tonight. How honest, and forthright he is, how he also makes me feel important, without any game. How he doesn’t have the need to tug at my heartstrings. And also how attracted I am to him, as well. Then there is a local guy I met at the artwalk, named Larry. My sister and my friend both told me he was obviously interested in me. I was oblivious. He’s a park ranger of some of the coastal parks nearby and also a photographer. We met at a gallery which shows his photography. My friend knows him from a charitable project she’s working on, which he’s involved in. She’s been trying to get me involved, and I think I may do that now. It’s a great project, and the added benefit of maybe working with or getting to know Larry makes it very appealing.

I thought, why have I kind of started to tie myself to a man who when he’s there, is really there, but when he’s not, he’s really not. Do I love the game on some level? No. I don’t think I do. But I think I’m a little gullible. Too much Pollyanna.

I slept solidly for 6 hours. I wish I’d slept for 10. My sleep has really become disrupted this week.

This morning during my meditation, I performed self reiki. I think I’m out of balance. Really out of balance. I worked this morning on restoring that balance. In Eat Pray Love, Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life. I agree. But, I’m not in love, yet. I’m only in possibilities.

There is no need to be so intense about any of this. There is no need to feel I can’t meet both Tim and Tom, and maybe get to know Larry. I’ve never been a player, and I don’t think I am now either. Until there’s some kind of connection with commitment I will continue to meet people and enjoy meeting them, getting to know them. When the next level occurs, then I’ll make that step.

I am surprised at myself, when I stand back, how much I want to have a significant other. I don’t want a husband, but yes, I’d be so happy just to feel my energy balanced out with male energy. I love to be in love, but I see this morning I’m pushing it with Tom, and that he’s probably not right for me. I think he likes the game. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t have had to push to get him to call me, and meet me, if he’s being honest in his messages. I’m sick of pushing. I’m sick of things not flowing. They flow with Tim, just a nice flow. And I am quite physically attracted to him. I love that he takes his grandson out manatee watching. He has a creative outlet. I also really like the way he tells me about himself, is willing to be vulnerable. We are a good match. Tom writes sweeter messages, but doesn’t follow through. I love words so much, I want to believe him. But his actions are telling me no, don’t. Not yet.

It’s all good, because I am confident that all the old stuff is behind me. I’ve really been alone a long time now, 10 years….. Even when I was with S, I wasn’t really with him. I was really alone. So I don’t really count that as being with somebody. I loved him, yes. But was I ever with him, no. And now, in hindsight that’s definitely 20/20, I know there’s no going back to that place where I spent the last at least 2 ½ years. I came down here for a fresh start…new beginning….to leave all that was in my old life in the past. My ex, my contentious divorce, my aloneness for 6 or 7 years, the roller-coaster and crash and burn that was my relationship with S. Every day, it’s farther behind me, and the future looks brighter.

But I have felt some of that old stress in trying to build a relationship with Tom. And stress is not what I want. Starting last night, I am backed off. I’ll talk to him, if and when he calls. I’ll meet him if and when he wants to. But I will also talk to Tim, I will also get to know Larry, and anyone else who crosses my path and whose company I find I enjoy. Until, that next level arises at the direction of the universe, not at the desire of my mind.

Here I am obsessing about this again, and I’m sorry. It’s boring I’m sure. But it’s really how I work these things out. Seeing much more clearly this morning. And hopeful that I’ll be able to get a nap in today, and alleviate this exhaustion I’m feeling.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Love and light to everyone.

A Little More Stable Today

The “S” energy stabilized today, for the most part.  Thankfully.   There was some sadness, kind of being a little depressed, but that might have just been me, because I didn’t sleep much, I’m tired, I had a lot to do.  It wasn’t strong, I didn’t investigate.  Just let it be and let it go.  It seems to be all gone.  The Reiki also probably was working on me that I sent him last night.  The cool thing about giving Reiki is that you get it when you give it, as it passes through you.  I hope it helped him, if he needed it.

Actually feeling myself today as the day wore on.  Like seeing reality, and being happy taking care of my house, and making a nice meal for my son and I.  Got my kitchen really cleaned today, cleaned out the fridge of all the uneaten Thanksgiving leftovers.  Got my floors done, my own bedroom cleaned and sheets changed.  I’m really tired, but I think I’ll sleep tonight without the Ambien.  I ended up taking one at 1:30 last night, trying to shake off the worries that weren’t even mine.

I finally talked to my bff about the group she’s putting together to help seniors.  It’s called “Sisters for Seniors”.  She’s looking for people who are willing to visit seniors once a week or so, that are living at home, but don’t see people often, and can’t really get out on their own.  Mostly, for the human connection.  I can offer a couple of hours on a weekend.  During the week is hard, because I work such long days.  But we’ll see.  She’s just getting it started, so she doesn’t have a list of people yet.  I think I’ll look for other opportunities to give back over the Christmas vacation too.  I need to be doing something outside of myself.

Not sure about going to the shore tomorrow, even though it will be a beautiful day.  I guess I’ll see how I feel in the morning, and then decide.  It might be a good day to find seaglass on the beach, since not a lot of people will have been walking the beach this time of year picking it up.  I have a dish of seaglass, but I also like to use it for jewelry.  I have a piece of purple glass, which I wire-wrapped a long time ago.  Found it on Cuttyhunk Island.  Anyway, now that I know how to wire-wrap better, I may redo it.

I may stay home and put up my outside Christmas lights, and take a walk with a friend.  I could use the exercise.  But then….the salt air….idk.  I’ll see.  Nice choices to have.